Fuglies with no options marry Christ


The year is 2381. Jesus has finally made good on his promise to return to us. He is accompanied by a pack of raptors, led by a resurrected Donald Trump riding a motorcycle.

Jesus- Ye, blessed are those who believed in me yet never saw me. Ya'll some real ones for that. Woe unto those who disobeyed me and lived lives of sin. Now is the time for the final judgement.

Satan - You have abandoned your creations for too long! They are under my influence now. Behold, my mighty athiest army got my back

Satan points to the NWO globalist army, who have been ruling the world with an iron foot. They point their thousands of nuclear weapons at team Jesus. Demons come up from the ground, outnumbering the raptors by like 100 to 1. An army of Prius's encircles Trumps motorcycle. Shit does not look good.

Jesus - Nice army bruh, but I'm about to go Little Dark on yo ass. See, I brought my super secret weapon.

Out from the shadows step 1000 virgin landwhales. "Jesus", the heaviest of them says, "we have saved our virginity for you for this day. Lo, penetrate our masses with your holy penis, that we may strengthen your super powers."

Jesus, being part god, part son of god, and part holy ghost while also being all powerful, all knowing, and omnipresent, then proceeds to take the landwhales virginities all at the same time. His power becomes exponentially more all powerful than it already was. So all powerful in fact, that his muscles rip his shirt wide open.

The demons and the Prius's flee, while Jesus stops the nuclear missles matrix style. Satan steps up to Jesus's face.

Satan - So you have destroyed my army, but you are not all powerful enough to destroy me, or you would have done it centuries ago!

Jesus - Behold, my penis is still wet with the blood of a thousand virgins. So your kinda fucked mate.

Jesus finesses a double crossover, and banishes Satan to the shadow realm as he hits a fadeaway jumper as the buzzer goes off.

Jesus - Ye, I would not have defeated the armies of darkness were it not for my loyal hoes who dedicated themselves to me their entire lives. You are the most blessed amoung all of my creations, and will eat nothing but the finest cupcakes for all eternity.

. . . ..

And then Betsy woke up, her stomach feeling as empty as her eharmony mailbox. Yep, she told herself. Today I dedicate my virginity to Jesus.

Handsome Creepy Eel

Gold Member
I've never seen or heard of a man, woman, child, troglodyte or anything else "marrying Jesus". This sounds like some insane new-age SJW fantasy, not an "ancient Christian tradition".


Don't worry chaps, with the amount of homos in the Church of England - and with churches being forced to marry queers, it won't be long before we see the gay version of this.