Healthier Ways Of Moving On From Ex

MaceTyrell

Pelican
With the upcoming forum change, perhaps this is a chance to have a healthier conversation about how to move on from an ex.

2.5 years out of my last LTR. 20 notches since.

Still not over it.

The advice of "just smash other women" hasn't helped. The advice of going "no contact" hasn't helped. Frustrating that after all this time, at times by myself late at night I still find myself slipping into rage thinking of how it went down, how cold she was when she did it and how quickly she seemed to lose her love for me, if she even had any authentic love at all.
 
Oh boy... I’m in a similar situation. It’s something that feels different, everyone tells you that time heals all wounds and what have you, but personally it’s been a year and it’s still fresh. It’s not that I dwell on her or what have you, but when I’m reminded of the wound it hasn’t closed yet. It’s really just as painful, just as emotionally impactful to process, as it was months and months ago.

The only thing I can do is a sort of mental judo. When I break down in tears late at night, or in the early morning after torturous dreams, I have to remind myself of what she was really like - and she was pretty trashy. When I’m in a rage, I have to remind myself of the things that I did, how I did her wrong. While this judo doesn’t change the depth of feeling, it does stall it and dissipate it. Further still - it refines.

It lets me see what I did wrong. It reaffirms truths of reality.

As far as questions like, “how cold she was when she did it and how quickly she seemed to lose her love for me, if she even had any authentic love at all.” I’ve wrestled with those as well. It’s impossible to know, but, what I’ve come to is that women have evolved to easily fracture their personalities - they’re insane, so to speak, functionally schizophrenic. Men can do the same thing, but it’s more conscious. It’s a function of how our brains and neural nets are physically wired.

Further still, I know that this forum generally throws the idea of soulmates out the window, though I feel that this is patently wrong. Does everyone have a soulmate? Not really, no. And neither does a soulmate imply that happily ever after. Simply, there are energetic frequencies that our own need to encounter, and reflect off of or harmonize with or disrupt or be disrupted by or any other matter of pseudo-scientific terms.

I hope this helps. I know that platitudes do not. “Everything happens for a reason” yes, yet not always for a good reason. A lot of the time, life is just a horrible tragedy.
 

griffinmill

Kingfisher
I broke up with a girl at the begining of last year, someone who I was hoping to settle down with and start a family. These were foolish ideas I had because I was approaching middle-age and she ticked many of the right boxes.

But besides that, there was something chemical I felt when with her. My body reacted to this girl in a way I've never experienced before, and never probably will again. I've been on many first dates, but my first date with her (a simple walk in the park) pulsated with a weird kind of energy and, as corny as it may sound, a light went off.

Unfortunately her behaviour in the relationship became such that I realised a long-term relationship with her would have been unsustainable. I pulled away emotionally and she eventually broke up with me. I went out with her for only four months.

Over a year later I still think about her every day. I fantasise about her, think about what could have been, and thinking about our first date in the park (which happened nearly two years ago now) is enough to make me wince with regret.

I've banged around 20 chicks since then, some even younger than her, some objectively even better looking, and nicer people, but nothing will take away the gnawing sentimentality I feel for that girl who I dated barely for a season and who ended it with me in the coldest possible way on the phone one Tuesday evening.

Some girls will always hold a special place in your heart, despite how they may have treated you. It's down to an intoxicating "chemistry" that's difficult to define - or replace.

As Woody Allen says, the heart wants what it wants.
 

MaceTyrell

Pelican
ThriceLazarus said:
.

The only thing I can do is a sort of mental judo. When I break down in tears late at night, or in the early morning after torturous dreams, I have to remind myself of what she was really like - and she was pretty trashy. When I’m in a rage, I have to remind myself of the things that I did, how I did her wrong. While this judo doesn’t change the depth of feeling, it does stall it and dissipate it. Further still - it refines.

It lets me see what I did wrong. It reaffirms truths of reality.

I have been doing something similar. It does help. I'm tired of having to keep doing this though.
 

wi30

Ostrich
Gold Member
The girl in your head isn't the girl you dated. You probably miss the 'idea' of your ex, not your ex. I went through that a bit when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend after college.

After a couple months and dating a couple other girls, it actually helped to look at her social media. She cut her hair shorter, I remembered that her ass was a little too flat, and her new boyfriend looked like a tool. She was stuck in a small town and I had moved across the country to a city with a ton of opportunity.

Quit living in the past. There's a reason it didn't work out, whether it was your fault, hers, or both. Figure out what you did wrong so you don't make the same mistake in the future.

2.5 years is a long time. You should have so much going on in your life that you forget what she even looked like. Get over it. The girls you are currently dating are probably hotter, nicer, and more compatible with you anyway.
 

Batman_

Kingfisher
MaceTyrell said:
With the upcoming forum change, perhaps this is a chance to have a healthier conversation about how to move on from an ex.

2.5 years out of my last LTR. 20 notches since.

Still not over it.

The advice of "just smash other women" hasn't helped. The advice of going "no contact" hasn't helped. Frustrating that after all this time, at times by myself late at night I still find myself slipping into rage thinking of how it went down, how cold she was when she did it and how quickly she seemed to lose her love for me, if she even had any authentic love at all.

You might not ever get over it 100%. The most important thing I can tell you is to NOT constantly revisit and retell old memories. Every time you do so you are literally rewriting and reencoding them in your brain, and by adding little details here and there the memories become very warped. This is why old memories tend to become so unreliable over time - especially if you constantly tell those stories to people.

Let the memories be as they are and they will fade away, and you will be able to trust that the few details that remain will be accurate. Though it can still take considerable time.

Just try to keep the whole spectrum of the memories in your mind, the good and the bad, because again our memory is often subject to further inaccuracies by the fact that we only remember the good and not the bad.



griffinmill said:
I broke up with a girl at the begining of last year, someone who I was hoping to settle down with and start a family. These were foolish ideas I had because I was approaching middle-age and she ticked many of the right boxes.

But besides that, there was something chemical I felt when with her. My body reacted to this girl in a way I've never experienced before, and never probably will again. I've been on many first dates, but my first date with her (a simple walk in the park) pulsated with a weird kind of energy and, as corny as it may sound, a light went off.

Unfortunately her behaviour in the relationship became such that I realised a long-term relationship with her would have been unsustainable. I pulled away emotionally and she eventually broke up with me. I went out with her for only four months.

Over a year later I still think about her every day. I fantasise about her, think about what could have been, and thinking about our first date in the park (which happened nearly two years ago now) is enough to make me wince with regret.

I've banged around 20 chicks since then, some even younger than her, some objectively even better looking, and nicer people, but nothing will take away the gnawing sentimentality I feel for that girl who I dated barely for a season and who ended it with me in the coldest possible way on the phone one Tuesday evening.

Some girls will always hold a special place in your heart, despite how they may have treated you. It's down to an intoxicating "chemistry" that's difficult to define - or replace.

As Woody Allen says, the heart wants what it wants.

Obviously the notion of "soulmate" is pretty much horseshit, but it is true that some woman really tap into something. I'm not sure what it is exactly but I have experienced what you are describing. Banging more chicks doesn't really help much.

It's a sad truth that sometimes people are lucky enough to meet someone like this but never bring it to fruition. I've only met a few woman like this in my life, the rest of them seemed so shallow and meaningless in comparison.

These sort of relationships are further complicated by the fact that negative experiences can impact you just as much as positive ones, especially when paired together. In my case, there were such extreme ups and downs that my life had never felt so rich with emotions and significance, beforehand or henceforth. I remember that I felt like I had "come online" for the first time and it actually seemed to trivialize almost everything that had occurred prior to that period.



wi30 said:
The girl in your head isn't the girl you dated. You probably miss the 'idea' of your ex, not your ex. I went through that a bit when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend after college.

After a couple months and dating a couple other girls, it actually helped to look at her social media. She cut her hair shorter, I remembered that her ass was a little too flat, and her new boyfriend looked like a tool. She was stuck in a small town and I had moved across the country to a city with a ton of opportunity.

Quit living in the past. There's a reason it didn't work out, whether it was your fault, hers, or both. Figure out what you did wrong so you don't make the same mistake in the future.

2.5 years is a long time. You should have so much going on in your life that you forget what she even looked like. Get over it. The girls you are currently dating are probably hotter, nicer, and more compatible with you anyway.

This is a very common response as well as the "go fuck 10 other women" and "go work on yourself etc" advice. The reality is that sometimes these experiences are life changing for some people and it does not have such a simple solution. Sometimes it may even take therapy.

People here should know better than to idealize women from previous relationships. It's not oneitis, or living in the past; it can sometimes require further analysis than just insisting on "getting over it", I think.

I dated a girl for 6 months almost 6 years ago and I still think about her sometimes. The first couple of years were hard. Granted, every year the memories and feelings fades away more and more and now very little remains except some wistful sentiments here and there. But I have no doubt in my mind that the impact of that relationship will stick with me for the rest of my life.
 

debeguiled

Peacock
Gold Member
Men have a sense of justice. She did you an injustice. Turning cold like that means that now you are looking back and wondering if the whole thing was a lie. You gave your heart honestly and freely and now you are wondering if she was just messing with you.

On some levels, it is good that you will never get over it.

It means that your sense of justice is intact.

It would be nice if the pain left though, I get that.

I have one relationship I never really got over in the sense that I will never give my heart to anyone like that ever again.

It is a tough lesson to have to learn.

I've been in therapy for two years and still haven't brought that subject up.

Maybe this year I will.

I'll let you know if that helps.

The other thing is that you may just be a sensitive person, sensitive in the sense that you feel things deeply, not sensitive in the SJW sense.

We never talk about this in the manosphere.

But some people are just sensitive like that, men included, and sensitive people are going to suffer more because they feel more.

That could be it. Your problem could be that you are deep.

A lot of great artists had the same problem.

Personally, I have never liked the 'bang a lot of new ones' advice. Wouldn't work for me either.

For me, there is value in feeling things deeply, more than that bitch did, anyway, despite the suffering that comes along with it.

Sorry I don't have any practical advice, but this is a problem for the ages for some men and there is no easy answer.

I hope you find wisdom from it.
 
Realising my ex had changed because of the new influence and that I was in love with the old version of her, and that no matter how physically attracted I might be to her I’m not attracted as a person

Sounds like a woman’s outlook tbh, but it helps. Also writing a list of what I didn’t like her changes the frame of only having positives memories to the actual reality.

Change the frame up. Get on your life’s purpose, don’t make any woman it. Suddenly you’re demonstrating value and an attractive lifestyle
 

tomzestatlu

Kingfisher
I think, that there´s a lot of us. I banged 20 girls in 5 months after break up.
Now it has been more than a year and sometimes it is okay and sometimes it´s tough. That´s usually when you are not vibing at all. I have met some struggles recently and as bonus, I started to have intense dreams about her.

Sometime´s it´s hard, that how it is. As you can see, there´s plenty of us. Keep going and keep fighting.
 

Dr. Howard

Peacock
Gold Member
wi30 said:
The girl in your head isn't the girl you dated. You probably miss the 'idea' of your ex, not your ex. I went through that a bit when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend after college.

....

re currently dating are probably hotter, nicer, and more compatible with you anyway.

So true, you edit your memories based on your mood. When I got divorced, I remember when things were great I could tell you all about what a terrible wife my ex was, then when things were bad I would think to myself...maybe she wasn't so bad after all.

My advice is to accept the 'stuff' that comes up but don't dwell on it. Like if you find yourself thinking about her, just kind of listen to your thoughts and let them run themselves out. Don't get into "what if" or "I can't believe" or you will just fester with those thoughts forever. Don't go through old pictures or social media when in these moods.

Last, its a helpful learning experience in learning about disappointment. You won't make it through life without being betrayed or let down a few times. You have to be willing to recognize it and move on to the next task/challenge. If you don't, you become like Uncle Rico...you life and dwell on this fixed event in time while the world continues to advance 1 day at a time around you. Next thing you know, you've wasted years just stewing about what went wrong instead of rebuilding.
 

Graft

Kingfisher
Gold Member
I remember going through a rough breakup the same time as Mace Tyrell. It was insane how badly we were agonizing over these broads.

Let me ask a question: are you not over the woman? Or the breakup?


MaceTyrell said:
Frustrating that after all this time, at times by myself late at night I still find myself slipping into rage thinking of how it went down, how cold she was when she did it and how quickly she seemed to lose her love for me, if she even had any authentic love at all.

I think I know the answer.

It's like finding a Craigslist ad for a Cadillac, the caddy costs $50,000. You pay for the car, certified check, and the owner drives away and disappears. You were scammed.

That's how you feel about your ex. That's certainly how I feel about my ex. She came in my life, promised me the world, penetrated my inner circle (family, best friends, my heart), and suddenly disappeared. She had promised me a Cadillac, took my $50,000, and ran. Blocked my number and disappeared.

It was easier for me to soothe the pain by watching her grow old and fat, consistently failing to lock a man down (evidenced by repeated appearances on dating apps.) . Knowing that her value has been permanently diminished, that her last glimmer of beauty is fading, is like watching your scammer finally do a 20 year bid.

I'm still not over the pain and betrayal. How do you get over it?

You have to get that Bentley.

If you start pulling in millions a year, dropping $300k cash for that new Mulsanne, straight from the dealer, are you really going to worry about that used Cadillac and some low level huckster who has to scam $50k?

To put it in perspective, if you find a woman who is hotter, but more importantly, more loyal, caring, feminine, and younger to boot, you've essentially won the game of romance, unless you think your ex is the greatest woman in the world. I sure as hell don't. I'm embarrassed I gave her a shot.

Do I think that I'll find the Bentley in America? Probably not, but if my cryptocurrencies take off, I'll be on the first plane out of here to a land far away to get that Bentley.
 

Enhanced Eddie

Pelican
Gold Member
You have to find a girl that you like more than you liked her. If you sleep with 20 other women that don't hold a candle to your ex, it's only going to make you more depressed. The day you meet a girl that lights up your world, it's over.
 
I would say threee things without reading the other replies:

1) You absolutely must write down all the major aspects of your life on a piece of paper - nutrition, exercise, friends, family, money, career etc - you must start tracking these things and be moving forward with the rest of your life. The further you progress with your life, the more you'll change as a person, and the more you'll distance yourself from your 'old self'. It can take years to do this though. Dating is included in that list - you should be meeting new women and at the very least talking to them and taking an interest in their conversation.
If you don't progress in your life, you'll stay stuck where you are mentally and physically, and that's extremely unhealthy.

2) I promise you with my life, that I could find at least one major flaw with this girl, and more likely several flaws.
There is no one perfect in this world.
Make a list of those flaws or the things she did which you would call bad behavior.
Now, ask yourself this question: "Would a high value, healthy man who values himself, give importance to a girl who treats men in the way your ex did?"
Turn it around on yourself - ask yourself deeply how your value system must currently be wrong if you are giving importance to this girl still.
Don't beat yourself up about it though man.
All of us have probably hurt women unintentionally in the past, and women have done brutal stuff to us.
You just have to see it for what it was - a learning experience, and allow yourself to forgive and move on.
That's life.
I promise you - I had a girl very similar to the girl you are describing, and I haven't ever forgot it - but the way I see it now and process it now is drastically different. But, it took years of rewiring the beliefs and thoughts around it in my brain to get to this point.
Women are human dude - and they are 99% of the time just big silly children who go on their emotions and do what they think is best for them and the people around them. Some of them are even messed up emotionally or mentally and do illogical things.
Don't take it personally.

3) Have things to be hopeful for and to look forward to.
You have to start thinking about things you're hopeful for in the future that you are working towards.
It could be meeting new women, making money, getting a certain type of job, travelling etc.
When you are looking forward, you aren't dwelling on the past, and you're giving yourself a far better chance to create experiences to replace the old bad ones.

But, overall, you have to get up everyday and override the emotions you're feeling and just make progress in life and you'll gradually move on.
It's as simple but as hard as that.
Over time (can be years), the number of really bad days and/or nights should decrease.
 
I fell for a girl I daygamed. Stunning. Funny. Intriguing. I've banged a lot of women but rarely fall. I did with her in 3 months. She ended it, out of the blue. Said she had issues trusting me and I couldnt swing it round. It's strange how it stings the way it does, given how in essence, I hardly knew the girl and fell for her despite all the logistic and technical/practical issues needed to make it work long term. Takes the wind out of your sails. It's hard to game or get in positive state when you have residual feelings still washing around.
 

MaceTyrell

Pelican
Had an extended dream last night and she was in it briefly. Didn't even interact with her. Just noticed her from afar.

I'm tired of having this person live rent free in my mind.
 

Atlanta Man

Ostrich
Gold Member
The only real bonafide way I ever got over a bad relationship was time, distance, and a new better relationship with a younger more positive woman- ultimately the new relationship ended, nothing is forever....

Also I do my crying in the shower, easier to clean up that way.
 
The best way to get over an ex is to find a more attractive and more compliant new girl.

20 new girls won't do anything if they're not more attractive + compliant as the last. If you pay close attention most guys who get oneitis it's because it was the combo of hottest / compliant girl they've gotten before.

So it's going to be a challenge because you have to outdo your past best self. Can and should be motivating though :)
 
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