Healthier Ways Of Moving On From Ex

Brebelle3

Sparrow
15 year relationship with my 2nd ex-wife. Had 2 stepchildren through her (yes I know that is a red flag) and loved them very much.

I accused her of having an affair on me while we were in Knoxville, TN. We were there, because I was a club volleyball coach and my stepdaughter was a player. She left me in Knoxville, I had to catch a last minute flight back to where I live, only to come home to all of my belongings in the street.

Here's what I did.

I worked out every day, every damn day. I went from 210 to 170, less than 15% body fat and now in the best shape of my life.

I began meditating first thing in the morning, every damn day.

I went into the woods and camped for days at a time without any cell signal.

I worked as much as I could, volunteering for extra days.

I learned how to dress better, walk better, make eye contact better.

I stopped drinking, I only ate natural organic foods.

I forgave my Dad for leaving me when I was very young.

It's been over one year now and I still miss them, but I am better off today at 44 then I have ever been.

Take care of YOU!
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
griffinmill said:
But besides that, there was something chemical I felt when with her. My body reacted to this girl in a way I've never experienced before, and never probably will again. I've been on many first dates, but my first date with her (a simple walk in the park) pulsated with a weird kind of energy and, as corny as it may sound, a light went off.

As older guy who did catch his third one-itis in life, I can say from experience, that it can happen again and there is nothing so special about it, it just feels so for the moment. I think the chemistry thing is about matching biologically for procreation, which is its only purpose, it doesn't care about functioning relationships afterwards.

One thing is for sure though: You always catch it with the wrong girls, and it will never work. It is as if some cave man program surfaces and doesn't care about what actual LTR building requires - if there is actually a match in values, interests and behavior - if you can actually get along with each other.

In my example the relationship with the first one lasted less than a year and ended in heartbreak, the second one was one-sided anyway and quickly ended in heartbreak as well after some dating. And the current one is as incompatible socially as it gets - including a huge age gap. I can already see a few weeks in, that it won't work, so I will not even try winning her over.

The joke is, once you collected enough of these "special girls", you brain starts confusing them, because it has only one single spot reserved "in your heart". But it makes dealing with it easier, because you see through it and don't believe the rose-tinted glasses anymore like the first time.

I don't know what one can do for prevention or cure. So far I had to sit trough it each time until it faded, there never has been actionable advice accelerating the process.
 

Dilated

Woodpecker
Hear hear, Brebelle. Very similar situation to me. Came home one day to find the condo cleaned out. $20,000 gone from checking account. No notice. Just a note on the counter. Served divorce papers 3 days later by courier.

I got into the best shape of my life at 38 primarily by eating clean. I tried to get back into the dating game too quickly and it was nauseating. I was disillusioned with the whole process and it showed- I projected that and things didn’t go well. We get antsy to find the next one ASAP but I think taking a pause is a good thing.
 

Alpone

Woodpecker
I used to get oneitis with girls I dated and then take long breaks from the game to "get over" her and let myself "heal" because I thought dating was too "difficult" and I couldn't take the "pain" of a "rejection".

I put all those words in quotes because those are the concepts and feelings I chose to hold on to and tell myself. They weren't necessarily based on reality, though. I was undisciplined and let any thought and emotion run wild just because it happened to show up.

I realized I was being a faggot. I was projecting qualities onto women that didn't exist, depending on them for my well being and self-worth, and thinking way too much about the past and things I could not change. I wanted the girl to complete me before I realized I was already complete.

Only the present and the future matter. I had to train myself to stop thinking certain thoughts that did nothing to help my present and future. I also had to choose to stop feeling certain emotions about people who were no longer in my life.

I learned to be ice cold towards memories and ghosts.

This frees up energy and attention so you can be more present to people who are in your life right now. It also frees up energy so you can think about the future more clearly.

Thinking about the past obsessively is poisonous. Letting things that happened X years ago dictate your emotions right now is also poisonous. Once you let it go, it's like a window opening up. Banging new girls can help keep you in the present, but if your thoughts are on a continuous loop about your ex, it won't help. You'll need to train yourself how to think and feel differently.

Reading Eckhart Tolle's "Power of Now" really helped me with this.
 

questor70

Ostrich
This thread is golden. Here's the deal, Mace. I've hung out here long enough that I remember when you first started talking about this breakup. A lot of this advice in some shape or form has been dished up to you before and it's not working. I say this with all due respect but at some point you may need to seek professional help.

I don't know if this maps to your experience, but what debeguiled talked about as far as a sense of injustice, that's what kept me stewing as long as I did. It wasn't the breakup itself anymore. It wasn't me missing the relationship. I was just bothered by the circumstances around the breakup and the way her words and actions made me feel lower than dirt. There was another (married) man involved in such a way that she left a sure thing with me for a longshot gamble. Justice was served because that longshot didn't pan out--just the way I warned her it wouldn't. But I had to basically cyberstalk her until I got that final vindication which I'm rather ashamed about in retrospect.

Men by nature give women the power to judge a man's worth. It's that tendency to use women's reactions as a litmus test of your worth as a human being that makes you so vulnerable. And women have very little consideration for this when they reach for a petty insult or cut you off in classic Briffault's Law style.

Back then I didn't have any red-pill knowledge. I didn't know what Briffault's Law was or hypergamy, although during that process I did start exploring things like Ladder Theory.

If I knew everything then that I did now, my recovery would have been quicker. That's why I'm having trouble understanding why you're still struggling so much.
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
questor70 said:
That's why I'm having trouble understanding why you're still struggling so much.

Emotional damage is a highly individual thing based on your history and life experiences. In some cases nothing helps except waiting it out.

Obviously avoiding "regular" plates because you got one-itis clearly isn't the right strategy. What I learned from experience is that LTR/marriage material should be qualified from that pool and not from the "special chemistry" one, even when 19th century romanticism suggests otherwise.

I still have no idea how to avoid falling for women occasionally. Thankfully it doesn't happen that often, only once per decade so far.
 

sch

Sparrow
The healthiest way I found is to forgive and only wish best for her.

Every time you think something negative about her -- STOP IT, and teach yourself to think positively about her.
Wish her to find somebody suitable for her and move on.
 

Eddie Winslow

Kingfisher
Gold Member
From your OP it sounds like you still view yourself to this day as a helpless victim, and cannot forgive. This is causing you to wallow in self-pity and anger, and preventing you from moving forward.

Even if you were the 100% victim with absolutely zero fault in the matter (very unlikely), you MUST stop thinking of yourself as the victim. Acknowledge there is a good chance this doesn't even cross her mind, and stop wishing the worst for her. Find comfort in the fact that at this moment, although it may be awkward to cut shitty people and scary to add new ones, you have 100% control over the friends and women you have in your life.

I don't think there is any other way besides forgiveness.
 

questor70

Ostrich
Think of it not so much as forgiveness as an emotional cost-benefit assessment.

Any time spent thinking about an ex keeps giving her (or the phantom of her) power to keep damaging your life. (The same is true of ruminating over any past-trauma, btw.)

The whole purpose of being with women is for it to provide a net gain of positive life experience. Once she stops doing that, then she no longer has any value. So it's about trying to instill a bit of Briffault's Law in a male psyche.

You know how it feels when you go on a fancy vacation? It seems to be over so quickly. Time flies while you're having fun. I've come to expect all relations with women to offer only short episodes of joy where the planets are aligned and to completely disregard any of their empty promises. Enjoy the ride while it lasts and when it's over, it's her loss, not mine.
 

Atlanta Man

Ostrich
Gold Member
I got a beautiful new girl from Russia, to replace the old one from Russia-She is even from the same town in Russia. We only just got intimate a few days ago. She is hot and we are in a push pull phase. She has a perfect face and a petite frame of 90-100 pounds (all ass). I like her but I cannot do a serious relationship now. This last year she has been the hottest thing in my bed a Miami 8-an easy 9 in my Atlanta hometown. I just don't have the emotional energy I need to make it work, but I like her, I really do.
 

Atlanta Man

Ostrich
Gold Member
I met her through her friend who was my classmate in Spanish. They are both from Russia, but they did not meet until they got to Miami. He friend is hot as hell too, I hooked her up with my homeboy. There are a lot of Russian people in Miami, they are everywhere.
 
Thing I think about sometimes is I have a guy friend and he was dating a 10 for 3 years. He's only been with 4-5 girls lifetime and he has poor game, makes below average income and is average looking. He's Serbian and so is his girlfriend. Must be devastating though to get lucky that early and then it not working out.

Similarly I had a friend who got an A-list acting job and was never able to replicate that success as it was as much about luck as anything. It put him into a deep depression.

For me my sweet spot is 8.5 and I'll get a 9 now and then. I've gotten tastes of 10s but locking one down seems a bit of a pipe dream now (they have exponentially more options and therefore power). It's unfortunate though because settling seems very, unsettling.
 
Glad I came across this thread

Recently ended it with my LTR, Ever since she had been "busy" with her job she had been getting really distant and apathetic. For what ever reason she had lost interest in me and we drifted apart. This was the girl i planned to marry and It still hurts. I tried going on dates with other girls but the chemistry just isn't there. Casual sex won't fill the void in my heart.

As beta as this sounds, you really just can't get over love that easly.
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
Georgepithyou said:
This was the girl i planned to marry and It still hurts. I tried going on dates with other girls but the chemistry just isn't there.

You don't want to marry "chemistry". Chemistry leads to "adventure", which at some point ends. A carefully selected companion with common values, who submits to you, might lead to marriage.
 
The chemistry phase is beautiful and toxic. Designed to induce pregnancy, over committal and enough rose tint for the both of you to believe nothing else matters.

It lasts between 8 to 12 months.
 

questor70

Ostrich
You want to talk about settling...I refuse to stay in a relationship that doesn't have passion. It's non-negotiable. If that puts a shelf-life on things, so be it.
 

Brebelle3

Sparrow
I decided to take one year off from women after my ex-wife and I split. Today marks the one year anniversary since the last time I have been with a woman. This is the longest time without a woman in my life since I lost my virginity at 16.

I didn't want to rebound or get into any relationships where I wasn't thinking clearly. Sure I interact with them and I am an attractive man who could date women, but I needed to focus on bettering me first. Also, it gave me the necessary time to really contemplate what it was that I wanted and needed in a woman. Going out and sleeping with random girls would not have given me the clarity I sought.

I personally believe it would be difficult for me to find the type of woman I want here in the US and have made the decision to travel in hopes of finding a better life and maybe finding a mate. I'm 44, so even though I am in great shape,handsome, and have saved an adequate amount of cash, a quality girl here and at the age I seek seems to pose quite a challenge.

I also have begun to think more in line with where Roosh finds himself. I've realized that there is so much more to this world than a woman.

Happiest I've ever been.

Maybe I'm just getting old!
 

memcpy

Kingfisher
I recommned getting this book for getting over an ex :

NLP: New Technology: The New Technology
by Nlp Comprehensive (Author), Steve Andreas (Editor), Charles Faulkner


Chances are that when you fantasize about an ex you are doing so in vivid color, with sights, sounds, and feelings.

So of course when you have fond memories in full 3D color it's going to hurt and tear the wound open again.

What this book teaches is, that when you want to forget or minimize the impact of a memory, you simply need to imagine it in grey colorless black and white no color.

Now imagine that scene with your ex, getting smaller and smaller about the size of a postage stamp. Thats one of the exercises in the book.

One of the more interesting exercises involves imagining a scene ( some fond memory of your ex for example) and playing clown music or something over top of it while you also imagine it in black and white like those old movies.

When you do these exercises and apply them to an ex, its hard not to laugh. I've used this for other types of embarrassing memories and it does help take the "sting" out.
 
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