Healthier Ways Of Moving On From Ex

MaceTyrell

Pelican
Questor70 - you’re spot on. I want to go the professional help path. I’m starting to think that the way she is wired in my brain is similar to the way a more “typical” addict has wired a more typical addition (drugs, alcohol) in theirs.

“I was just bothered by the circumstances around the breakup and the way her words and actions made me feel lower than dirt.”

That was the initial feeling. It’s evolved into more of a “I am bothered by what happened in the relationship that led to the circumstances around the breakup and what led to her saying things that made me, and still makes me, feel lower than dirt.”

Additionally, I acknowledge that I’m at fault. It’s an acknowledgement that occasionally makes me feel better. I wasn’t faithful, something she never found out about. It’s silly for me to miss a girl I wasn’t faithful to.

Aside from that, my life has atrophied in a way since she left me. Atrophied in ways aside from her leaving.

After typing it all out, I realize that my life pretty much sucks at the moment. I might be looking back on thoughts of being with her as a time of more “seeming” stability. However when I think of some alternate reality where we are still together, there are a whole host of other variables not particular to the relationship that also differ. Perhaps it’s more that I want back the life I had when she was around as opposed to her.
 

Dilated

Woodpecker
The shame in all of this lies in women’s unique inability to have a rational, constructive post-mortem discussion at the end of a breakup.

Case in point- my first relationship after getting divorced went from looking great to absolutely falling apart in the blink of an eye. As you can guess, she went from hot to ice cold with no warning and for no discernible reason.

I would love to have a candid discussion about what went wrong and perhaps how I could have conducted myself differently. But, as we know you can’t have these conversations with women. They will absolutely eviscerate you.

So, we are left with wondering. And angst.

I don’t have an answer for a quick fix other than to improve yourself (eat clean, work out, limit social media) and identify qualities in women that are congruent with yours.
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
questor70 said:
You want to talk about settling...I refuse to stay in a relationship that doesn't have passion. It's non-negotiable. If that puts a shelf-life on things, so be it.

Passion in its original meaning means suffering, because it's referring to the passion of Jesus Christ. That alone should tell you something about what you want to have in an LTR.

The cold truth is that for a successful family an arranged marriage is the best option.
 

griffinmill

Kingfisher
Dilated said:
The shame in all of this lies in women’s unique inability to have a rational, constructive post-mortem discussion at the end of a breakup.

Case in point- my first relationship after getting divorced went from looking great to absolutely falling apart in the blink of an eye. As you can guess, she went from hot to ice cold with no warning and for no discernible reason.

I would love to have a candid discussion about what went wrong and perhaps how I could have conducted myself differently. But, as we know you can’t have these conversations with women. They will absolutely eviscerate you.

So, we are left with wondering. And angst.

I don’t have an answer for a quick fix other than to improve yourself (eat clean, work out, limit social media) and identify qualities in women that are congruent with yours.

Most of the time it's attraction that starts to dip - or a million other factors, but either way you won't get a definitive answer from a girl because most of the time even they are not cognisant of why they're feeling what they're feeling. You're only option is to move on abruptly and don't bother feeding their ego with any attempts at "closure".
 

Cman

Pigeon
Hi guys, I'm in the same boat here.

6 months on, after my ex dumped me and I still get a bit sad. I have seen some girls, one who was definitely better than my ex but it didn't work out (I couldn't get her to commit emotionally). HOWEVER, meeting this other girl and seeing her for a couple of months has made it incredibly easier for me. My only regret was not taking more photos of her, so it would be easier to use her as a distraction.

In every case, these set backs have always made me stronger, and I hope this happens for everyone else in the forum too!
 
"I would love to have a candid discussion about what went wrong and perhaps how I could have conducted myself differently. But, as we know you can’t have these conversations with women. They will absolutely eviscerate you."

Yes this is what's eating me up inside, she went from living me to cold and distant
I just want to know where i went wrong
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
griffinmill said:
Most of the time it's attraction that starts to dip - or a million other factors, but either way you won't get a definitive answer from a girl because most of the time even they are not cognisant of why they're feeling what they're feeling. You're only option is to move on abruptly and don't bother feeding their ego with any attempts at "closure".

Imagine women could actually talk straight about things. Game would be reduced to:

1. You like me?
2. I like you.
3. Great, lets bang! :mrgreen:

The female confusion about their own feelings isn't limited to relationship sunset phase. Currently I'm dealing with a girl infatuated with me, who didn't realize it until recently someone spilled the beans right in front of her and me.

Her reaction was hilarious and told me, that she wasn't even consciously aware of being attracted to me - while bombarding with IOIs for weeks, when being around my person. Everybody except her must have noticed (social circle, sitcom-style). While I handled the nuclear hit on my frame pretty well, I wasn't really ready to escalate her to the next stage, because I'm still dealing with emotional baggage related to this thread's topic.

Though I recently made great progress in getting my feelings under control. Cold showers help a lot with that.
 
Problem is you never ask her where you went wrong, my gf lost interest but I could never know why and she never gave a proper answer
Learnt from this forum never to ask
 

Nolimitz

Pigeon
I can relate.

I was with a girl in 2017 for about 6 months. I was hesitant to jump in a relationship with her, but couldn’t help myself.

Our first meet was at a park and I quickly felt a spark of attraction I had not felt before. Not lust, but genuine attraction.

In the early half of the relationship I did everything right on accident (wasn’t red pilled) and she confessed her love for me.

I soon fell into my beta ways and killed her attraction.

She didn’t have a car during our time together because of a dui (I know) so I gave her rides to work.

I took her out and spent as much time as I could with her. I quickly became infatuated.

Long story short the week she got her car back she dumped me. Coldy. Told me she was hanging with a male coworker for his birthday that night. Tore me apart.

I think the more someone hurts you, the more likely they’ll stain your psyche. “Rejection breeds obsession.”

It is over two years since that happened. She still crosses my mind. I have felt best when I’m busy and focused on my own goals.

Sleeping with other women...don’t think that’s the answer. I think investing in yourself is.

I went for about a year and a half with revenge fantasies. “She’ll be sorry once I do X”, I’ve let go of that.

The best revenge is to live good.
 

questor70

Ostrich
MaceTyrell said:
I want to go the professional help path.

Just do that and stop expecting some magic bullet of advice to come from this forum. You've already been given countless concepts that could have been used to shake you out of the doldrums and we could offer more but in the end your ability to function again is going to have to come from within.
 

Donfitz007

Kingfisher
I got over my last ex by hoping the best for her. I hoped and prayed she found somebody amazing so my pain would mean something. My current break up is so painful because I took her from a “nerd to a prom queen”...she started to notice attention, started to feel confident, she wanted to test the waters once i got her in shape to swim.. It hurts because this feels like a spit in the face.

I slipped up once and she went all in. With all that said, I still feel the nest way to recover is to just forgive. These post are right. We don’t miss the woman, we miss the praise, we miss the good times, we miss those blurry memories. A woman’s love is as confused as they are.
 

setian

Chicken
If it only has ever taken me months rather than years to get over a chick, I wonder what that says about me: (1) that I don't get so emotionally attached, (2) that I'm able to justify or rationalize away the emotional attachment more easily, (3) I never got with a girl who was really so special that if I lost her, pining after her for years would've been justified, or (4) the one time I did fall deeply in love, I was able to go on the rebound afterwards, and get into a long-distance relationship where for the next year I was fantasizing about how wonderful the new chick was going to be, till we got together in person and I was able to became aware of her flaws by living with her.

I don't really agree by the way with the idea that it's only justified to mourn her for x months for every year you were together; the time you were together might be a rough guide for indicating how special she was based on how many years she was committed to you, and how many memories you built up together, and how much of a loss it is (because of shared kids, sacrificed time that you could've spent with other chicks, etc.), but you can also have a really short and intense relationship where because she seems so special you let your guard down and allow yourself to fall in love; and then if you need to fall out of love, you have to go through a process, perhaps a multi-stage process, that takes as long as it takes to deprogram yourself from what was, essentially, a cult-like experience of being brainwashed (by yourself, by the girl, and maybe even those around you) to believe this girl was all that.

I was tenacious about seeking out resources to understand what had happened, which helped me with the deprogramming. I even got in touch with one of the chicks' exes to compare notes, which helped me see that others had experienced the same stuff with her and it wasn't just me. (I had been led to believe I was the cause of all my problems with that chick, but then I found out she had treated several others the same way.) He and I became friends. We had similar personalities; actually part of what she liked about me was that I reminded her of him.
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
setian said:
If it only has ever taken me months rather than years to get over a chick, I wonder what that says about me: (1) that I don't get so emotionally attached, (2) that I'm able to justify or rationalize away the emotional attachment more easily, (3) I never got with a girl who was really so special that if I lost her, pining after her for years would've been justified, or (4) the one time I did fall deeply in love, I was able to go on the rebound afterwards, and get into a long-distance relationship where for the next year I was fantasizing about how wonderful the new chick was going to be, till we got together in person and I was able to became aware of her flaws by living with her.

I don't really agree by the way with the idea that it's only justified to mourn her for x months for every year you were together; the time you were together might be a rough guide for indicating how special she was based on how many years she was committed to you, and how many memories you built up together, and how much of a loss it is (because of shared kids, sacrificed time that you could've spent with other chicks, etc.), but you can also have a really short and intense relationship where because she seems so special you let your guard down and allow yourself to fall in love; and then if you need to fall out of love, you have to go through a process, perhaps a multi-stage process, that takes as long as it takes to deprogram yourself from what was, essentially, a cult-like experience of being brainwashed (by yourself, by the girl, and maybe even those around you) to believe this girl was all that.

I was tenacious about seeking out resources to understand what had happened, which helped me with the deprogramming. I even got in touch with one of the chicks' exes to compare notes, which helped me see that others had experienced the same stuff with her and it wasn't just me. (I had been led to believe I was the cause of all my problems with that chick, but then I found out she had treated several others the same way.) He and I became friends. We had similar personalities; actually part of what she liked about me was that I reminded her of him.

Different people have different experiences with term "love" or "infatuation" what is the more correct term for what we're talking about here.

For myself the term "allow yourself to fall in love" is a completely alien concept. For me it hits me like a brick, sometimes even on first sight. All the other stuff one has under control of course. When being more mature you're not idealizing a girl like a teenager anymore. If it's your third proper infatuation, you already know this can't be "the one", because it's already the "third one". You see through it. You still feel the same emotions, but your judgement doesn't get affected as much anymore.

In my personal experience it also doesn't suddenly stop after x months, instead slowly fades until it reaches a level below bothering, while still lingering around. But while the actual time frame seems to be impenetrable, you can make the journey a really bad or a very bearable experience depending on how you act on it. Avoid bad advice like "do x and it goes away" (which doesn't work) and instead look for "how to keep sane under infatuation".
 

Donfitz007

Kingfisher
So I think this break up put me into a severe depression. I have all the symptoms of low testosterone but I only noticed them after this break up. The main problem for me is sleep. Literally all my friends sleep to escape the pain, I’m the opposite. Those minutes it takes me to fall asleep is when everything hits me and if I am lucky enough to actually fall asleep then boom I have a nightmare.

For me and I think other men on here what we want is a woman to pour their heart out to us, to tell us how bad they fucked up, to lay all the pride aside and let us know that they love us and beg for us to come back. Not even the pitiful begging, a simple “please come back” is enough.

For those who care about my story, I decided to be like roosh and give the whole relationship thing a try. A month or so in (I’ve known girl way longer than a month and we saw each other literally every day for 3 months) we had an argument and I let my pride get the best of me, around the same time she met this guy. They went on a date, and they had sex at her spot. He’s apparently really bad off and asked could he live with her. Couple days later I noticed a difference in her and asked what was up, she told me she wanted to have sex with other people. I wanted to talk it over so I asked could I come over, she said no and that’s when I found out everything.

I’ve fought for her these last couple of weeks, tried ghosting her, tried making her a plate, tried winning her over. Nothing takes away the pain. Cause she’s still just going to go back home to this dude.

And I feel pathetic. Cause I came a long way since my last break up just to give it another try and fail even harder.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Bump.

OP, how are you doing?

If it helps, I’m dealing with a similar breakup as well. We split a year ago and I still think about her.

I know in my rational brain that what I did was right, but my monkey body still craves her. The only logical conclusion is to just keep going.
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
wwtl said:
griffinmill said:
But besides that, there was something chemical I felt when with her. My body reacted to this girl in a way I've never experienced before, and never probably will again. I've been on many first dates, but my first date with her (a simple walk in the park) pulsated with a weird kind of energy and, as corny as it may sound, a light went off.

As older guy who did catch his third one-itis in life, I can say from experience, that it can happen again and there is nothing so special about it, it just feels so for the moment. I think the chemistry thing is about matching biologically for procreation, which is its only purpose, it doesn't care about functioning relationships afterwards.

One thing is for sure though: You always catch it with the wrong girls, and it will never work. It is as if some cave man program surfaces and doesn't care about what actual LTR building requires - if there is actually a match in values, interests and behavior - if you can actually get along with each other.

In my example the relationship with the first one lasted less than a year and ended in heartbreak, the second one was one-sided anyway and quickly ended in heartbreak as well after some dating. And the current one is as incompatible socially as it gets - including a huge age gap. I can already see a few weeks in, that it won't work, so I will not even try winning her over.

The joke is, once you collected enough of these "special girls", you brain starts confusing them, because it has only one single spot reserved "in your heart". But it makes dealing with it easier, because you see through it and don't believe the rose-tinted glasses anymore like the first time.

I don't know what one can do for prevention or cure. So far I had to sit trough it each time until it faded, there never has been actionable advice accelerating the process.

Here I am roughly three months later. I wrote this ^ when I just had a crush, which suddenly turned into one-itis proper a few weeks later. Of course, as predicted by my mostly sane mind back then it did go nowhere.

Some conclusions:

1) It completely fucks up my game. All the stuff which runs naturally on its own and becomes even better with a little crush is out of the window once one-itis proper hits.

2) It left me worse than I started. Being an older single without an active dating life wasn't too great, but this 'accident' screwed me up royally. My overall performance did take huge hit, especially in sports.

3) It turns me away from socializing, especially with girls.

The latter I identified as disastrous, that's why I decided to force myself to keep going with the new leads I picked up this year, especially in the business department. It's going to be an arduous drag, but that's my life.
 

Aizen

Kingfisher
Men are romantic by nature. This means that we tend to romanticize past and future events, especially when women are involved. This is simultaneously one of our greatest motivators as well as one of our greatest weaknesses. It all depends how you channel these visions.

Similar to OP, I have been with two or three women that sparked a certain something in me, and I almost always took it for granted at the time. Months to years after I've dropped her, I second guess whether I had made the right decision back then, and catch myself fantasizing about our past relationship. I can't see any "cure" for this form of reminiscence, as a man's heart works in mysterious ways - no matter how hard we try to ascribe a "science" to it. Just be happy you were able to feel this way at all, most guys can only dream of having such a connection with a lovely lady. Armed with this newfound wisdom, if/when you ever feel that similar with a new female, do think carefully about your next move.
 

DamienCasanova

Ostrich
Gold Member
Take your pain and turn it into art, You need to take that energy and transform it into something positive. Paint a picture, draw or sketch, write a song, play some instruments, write a story, go join an acting/comedy troupe, plant a garden, build things around your house, carve wood, whatever it is.... That energy never dies, it just needs to be transformed.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Women hurt more by breakups but recover more fully

Summary:
Women experience more emotional pain following a breakup, but they also more fully recover, according to new research. Researchers asked participants to rate emotional and physical pain of a breakup and found that women tend to be more negatively affected by breakups, reporting higher levels of both physical and emotional pain. While breakups hit women the hardest, they tend to recover more fully. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover.

Source: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150806151406.htm
 
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