Heartbroken and need some advice

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Background: I just had my 2 year anniversary with my girl a few weeks ago and everything was great. She had moved cross country almost a year ago to be with me and continue our relationship. She has had feelings of homesickness and missing her friends and family, which is completely normal, but she was fine other than that. The corona shut downs surely didn't help with the transition or making new friends in the new area but she seemed ok overall.

She went on a road-trip with her sister and friends a month ago and ever since it had went downhill. A week after she came back we went out for our anniversary and had a great time. A few days after our anniversary we went out to a party with my friends and their girls. She had girl talk with my buddies girls and when we eventually went home she started crying saying she "needed to go home. She's not happy. She misses her friends and family." After hours of discussion I talk her through it and she then seems ok. Until this process then repeated another 2x. She woke up one day and said she had to leave to clear her mind and that she "doesn't know what she wants." She packed up some stuff and went to go live with some family about an hour away. This all occurred over a period of 4 days and I was completely blindsided by it.

I've been devastated ever since. I hardly have eaten because I constantly feel sick and anxious and I've barley left my room. I told her I wouldn't bother her because she said she needed to "clear her mind" away from me so she could figure out what she wants. The only time we've talked has been when she texts me (which has been rare) and it was only small talk for the most part. I've tried to reason with her and ask her why this came out of nowhere and eventually I told her I was going to buy a house this spring and propose to her. She responded by saying she "doesn't know if she wants to marry me or not" and she doesn't want to move into a new place because then her being in the area we moved to will become more permanent.

Since this has happened I've felt a mixture of depression, anger, and betrayal. I honestly don't know if I would even take her back at this point. What happens if we're married and/or have kids in the future and she pulls this shit again? I've completely lost my trust in her at this point. I've been with her and lived with her for so long that she also was my best friend. Losing your long term girlfriend and best friend is a double gut punch and has really put me in a bad place. We're technically not broken up but I can see the writing on the wall for what it is.

If anyone can help me out with some wisdom or advice please do because I'm at a very low point in my life right now.

 

[andy dufresne]

Next her. You're letting her take control and drive the ship. That never ends well in a relationship. You lead, she follows.

Every breakup I've ever had, the next one has been better, hotter, younger and nicer. Yours will be also.

Spend this time improving yourself.

Sorry I keep editing this but one last thing. Cut her completely off....and I mean totally. It's a true alpha shit test. If she wants you back she'll crawl back to you on her hands and knees. If she doesn't then she isn't worth it at all.

 

[Muscovite]

I know exactly how you're feeling. It's happened to me more than once in my younger days.

Time will heal it. It will get easier.

Assume she's not coming back and plan your life without her.

Try not to let other people control your emotions. Working on you is the only way forward.

Whatever you do, don't beg her to come back.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Next her. You're letting her take control and drive the ship. That never ends well in a relationship. You lead, she follows.

Every breakup I've ever had, the next one has been better, hotter, younger and nicer. Yours will be also.

Spend this time improving yourself.

Sorry I keep editing this but one last thing. Cut her completely off....and I mean totally. It's a true alpha shit test. If she wants you back she'll crawl back to you on her hands and knees. If she doesn't then she isn't worth it at all.

Yea, I figured as much.

There's relationships where both parties can see it's going downhill for a while then break it off but this shit came out of nowhere which is why it hurts so bad. It will take a long time for my heart to heal or even be able to go on a date with another woman though.

I've only responded to her when she had hit me up first. I haven't ghosted her out of respect for our relationship but now that I think about it she completely disrespected me first by her recent actions so why should I show her courtesy? I'm all for being the better person but in this instance I figure it is justified to continue to not contact her or respond.

As I said in the original post I'm not entirely sure I would even take her back at this point for the reasons I originally stated.

Thank you for your response.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

I know exactly how you're feeling. It's happened to me more than once in my younger days.

Time will heal it. It will get easier.

Assume she's not coming back and plan your life without her.

Try not to let other people control your emotions. Working on you is the only way forward.

Whatever you do, don't beg her to come back.

Thanks man I appreciate it.

I can't do anything to change it so I might as well embrace the suck.

She still has a lot of her stuff still at my place so I'll call her this weekend and tell her she needs to get her shit out of here.

It's really hard doing anything now but I'll force myself to at least workout and read because dwelling on it hasn't made me feel any better.

 

[Enhanced Eddie]

It sounds like she met another guy on that road trip to be honest. Why else would she suddenly be unsure about her feelings for you? Homesickness is one thing, fading certainty about her love is another altogether... and it came sudden. Hence, probably another guy.

I think you can get her back if you play your cards right... I used to work as a dating coach and I've had many clients where the GF was suddenly being withdrawn and we were able to turn all of those around... every single one. The question is, do you really want to with this girl. It sounds like she's hiding something and it's probably another guy she met on the road trip.

The most logical course of action is also quite drastic and kinda dicey - hire a private eye, or keylog her, and find out what's really going on. Then if she doesn't have anyone else, you can make some moves to make her chase after you (we can discuss this after). More likely you find out there's someone else in her DM's.

The bottom line is when a girl withdraws, withdraw more than she does... don't propose. In old school PUA parlance, you were rewarding an IOD with an IOI (the biggest IOI of all... a ring!). That is bad compliance momentum.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

It sounds like she met another guy on that road trip to be honest. Why else would she suddenly be unsure about her feelings for you? Homesickness is one thing, fading certainty about her love is another altogether... and it came sudden. Hence, probably another guy.

I think you can get her back if you play your cards right... I used to work as a dating coach and I've had many clients where the GF was suddenly being withdrawn and we were able to turn all of those around... every single one. The question is, do you really want to with this girl. It sounds like she's hiding something and it's probably another guy she met on the road trip.

The most logical course of action is also quite drastic and kinda dicey - hire a private eye, or keylog her, and find out what's really going on. Then if she doesn't have anyone else, you can make some moves to make her chase after you (we can discuss this after). More likely you find out there's someone else in her DM's.

The bottom line is when a girl withdraws, withdraw more than she does... don't propose. In old school PUA parlance, you were rewarding an IOD with an IOI (the biggest IOI of all... a ring!). That is bad compliance momentum.

I suspected that at first but I'm almost certain that there is no other guy. But then again does anybody every really know completely?

I would say it is just due to homesickness and her fading certainty of her love. She says she does love me but is not sure whether we're a good fit for marriage. I didn't propose out of desperation. I just told her what I was planning on doing in the near future and how her actions completely caught me by surprise.

Thanks for the input.

 

[Enhanced Eddie]

If there's no other guy, then her feelings have changed for other reasons. Read this book... very important book:

The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship - Kindle edition by Delis, Dean C.. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship - Kindle edition by Delis, Dean C.. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship.

www.amazon.com

 

[Enhanced Eddie]

If there's no other guy, then her feelings have changed for other reasons. Read this book... very important book:

The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship - Kindle edition by Delis, Dean C.. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship - Kindle edition by Delis, Dean C.. Download it once and read it on your Kindle device, PC, phones or tablets. Use features like bookmarks, note taking and highlighting while reading The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship.

www.amazon.com

 

[TooFineAPoint]

Could also be that on her roadtrip she "felt like herself again". That is a common term women use when they are temporarily absolved of any responsibility regarding schedules or really any consideration of others. Much like people confuse poverty with an "authentic" state of being, I find that many young women get in the habit of considering doing whatever they want whenever they want as the "true" way to live.

This type of feeling is very common after short trips.

Of course, if she lived on her own, eventually other responsibilities would catch up to her and the feeling could eventually fade away for a time or at least if it was still there the blame would be spread onto several external factors.

But when there is a boyfriend, especially if you live together, suddenly she can easily attribute you as the cause of all her "inauthentic" daily tasks, chores, responsibilities. You must be "holding her back" or "controlling" her in some way. Negative girl talk often devolves into the narrative that most or all men are either controlling, abusive, or can't handle [her] authentic self.

She likely still loves you. But she also wants you to make her feel "authentic and free and spontaneous and alive" all or nearly all of the time (which is of course impossible when you share a life as responsible adults).

You are right to view this as a huge red flag, because it is likely to pop up over and over again in the future. Sometimes the degree to which it occurs and the level of anxiety the woman manifests is manageable, most times not.

Of course, all this is assuming the worst of her. I've been in unfulfilling relationships where it was just not bad enough to not call it quits, but then I get three days to myself and at the end I realize how I would rather cut off my own leg than go back to the relationship... and all I did on the time off was read a bit more, maybe crush a few drinks, and generally enjoy some quiet time. On the other hand, I have been in fulfilling relationships where I still appreciated and needed time on my own away from the home, but I came back recharged and ready to keep building the relationship. Doesn't sound like she is in that headspace for sure.

 

[Vienna]

OP: It sucks man, it really does. We’ve all been there. You seem to hold deep feelings for her and it will take time and effort to feel better.

Now here’s a recipe that’s never failed to mend a heartbreak.

- Invert what’s happened, in your mind. It’s OK to think ”I have lost this girl”, but it’s better to think ”I have gained a lot of time and energy to improve my life”. As Roosh wrote in an article a while ago, every loss is a gain and every gain a loss.
- Lift. Run. Move your body. A depressed mind and body seeks rest. A mending mind and body seeks to move.
- Friends and family. Surround yourself with people you like and who give you energy (depending on the current covid-situation you’re in of course).
- Read.
- Go out into nature. Being surrounded by trees or standing above a stunning vista does wonders to ease your emotional burdens, and is a shortcut to two very important feelings: hope and joy.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Could also be that on her roadtrip she "felt like herself again". That is a common term women use when they are temporarily absolved of any responsibility regarding schedules or really any consideration of others. Much like people confuse poverty with an "authentic" state of being, I find that many young women get in the habit of considering doing whatever they want whenever they want as the "true" way to live.

This type of feeling is very common after short trips.

Of course, if she lived on her own, eventually other responsibilities would catch up to her and the feeling could eventually fade away for a time or at least if it was still there the blame would be spread onto several external factors.

But when there is a boyfriend, especially if you live together, suddenly she can easily attribute you as the cause of all her "inauthentic" daily tasks, chores, responsibilities. You must be "holding her back" or "controlling" her in some way. Negative girl talk often devolves into the narrative that most or all men are either controlling, abusive, or can't handle [her] authentic self.

She likely still loves you. But she also wants you to make her feel "authentic and free and spontaneous and alive" all or nearly all of the time (which is of course impossible when you share a life as responsible adults).

You are right to view this as a huge red flag, because it is likely to pop up over and over again in the future. Sometimes the degree to which it occurs and the level of anxiety the woman manifests is manageable, most times not.

Of course, all this is assuming the worst of her. I've been in unfulfilling relationships where it was just not bad enough to not call it quits, but then I get three days to myself and at the end I realize how I would rather cut off my own leg than go back to the relationship... and all I did on the time off was read a bit more, maybe crush a few drinks, and generally enjoy some quiet time. On the other hand, I have been in fulfilling relationships where I still appreciated and needed time on my own away from the home, but I came back recharged and ready to keep building the relationship. Doesn't sound like she is in that headspace for sure.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. This explains perfectly what I think she's been feeling and thinking.

"She likely still loves you. But she also wants you to make her feel "authentic and free and spontaneous and alive" all or nearly all of the time (which is of course impossible when you share a life as responsible adults)." This struck another chord with me. This is exactly what she complains about and is her biggest gripe. She constantly needs new stimulus. She needs to travel, see new places, do activities, etc.. or she gets bored and goes nuts. I have no problem with just going to work, hitting the gym, and chilling during the week and then doing some fun activities on the weekend. She (like most girls now) need constant stimulus and it is really draining and irritating to have to deal with that.

It's always been the later example in your last paragraph. It's been the case for both of us that whenever we're apart we can't wait to get back to see each other again. I don't know why this changed on her last trip. Coronavirus shutting everything down where I live has really put strain on our relationship as well as everyone else's too probably.

She is also an emotional girl and most likely has no idea what she wants in life. It's sad because I really vibe with her. I probably have only gotten into 5 or 6 fights with her in 2 years and they were all resolved within a day. We had tons of opportunity to fight too (drove on multiple road trips with each other and lived together). She is very fragile though and will remember a fight we had a year ago and bring it up and get re-upset about it even after getting over it though.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

OP: It sucks man, it really does. We’ve all been there. You seem to hold deep feelings for her and it will take time and effort to feel better.

Now here’s a recipe that’s never failed to mend a heartbreak.

- Invert what’s happened, in your mind. It’s OK to think ”I have lost this girl”, but it’s better to think ”I have gained a lot of time and energy to improve my life”. As Roosh wrote in an article a while ago, every loss is a gain and every gain a loss.
- Lift. Run. Move your body. A depressed mind and body seeks rest. A mending mind and body seeks to move.
- Friends and family. Surround yourself with people you like and who give you energy (depending on the current covid-situation you’re in of course).
- Read.
- Go out into nature. Being surrounded by trees or standing above a stunning vista does wonders to ease your emotional burdens, and is a shortcut to two very important feelings: hope and joy.

Thanks man. I really appreciate the advice from you and others in this thread so far. This biggest thing I haven't done so far is anything to be honest. I've just been a massive pussy since this happened and haven't done much of anything. I need to change that.

 

[Kona]

How old are you my brother?

Aloha!

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

How old are you my brother?

Aloha!

29, she is 28

 

[Kona]

There's no other dude, so don't worry about that.

Don't tell her you're all depressed and eating barley. Stay away from the booze. Get out there and live your best life. Go to the gym, invest in weed stocks, buy the house. A wiseman once said "if you build it, they will come" so do that.

If she comes back, ok. If not another one will. If she's your best friend let her know that's still there so don't say any mean shit.

Aloha!

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

There's no other dude, so don't worry about that.

Don't tell her you're all depressed and eating barley. Stay away from the booze. Get out there and live your best life. Go to the gym, invest in weed stocks, buy the house. A wiseman once said "if you build it, they will come" so do that.

If she comes back, ok. If not another one will. If she's your best friend let her know that's still there so don't say any mean shit.

Aloha!

Thanks Kona. Will do.

 

[JohnQThomas]

Background: I just had my 2 year anniversary with my girl a few weeks ago and everything was great. She had moved cross country almost a year ago to be with me and continue our relationship. She has had feelings of homesickness and missing her friends and family, which is completely normal, but she was fine other than that. The corona shut downs surely didn't help with the transition or making new friends in the new area but she seemed ok overall.

She went on a road-trip with her sister and friends a month ago and ever since it had went downhill. A week after she came back we went out for our anniversary and had a great time. A few days after our anniversary we went out to a party with my friends and their girls. She had girl talk with my buddies girls and when we eventually went home she started crying saying she "needed to go home. She's not happy. She misses her friends and family." After hours of discussion I talk her through it and she then seems ok. Until this process then repeated another 2x. She woke up one day and said she had to leave to clear her mind and that she "doesn't know what she wants." She packed up some stuff and went to go live with some family about an hour away. This all occurred over a period of 4 days and I was completely blindsided by it.

I've been devastated ever since. I hardly have eaten because I constantly feel sick and anxious and I've barley left my room. I told her I wouldn't bother her because she said she needed to "clear her mind" away from me so she could figure out what she wants. The only time we've talked has been when she texts me (which has been rare) and it was only small talk for the most part. I've tried to reason with her and ask her why this came out of nowhere and eventually I told her I was going to buy a house this spring and propose to her. She responded by saying she "doesn't know if she wants to marry me or not" and she doesn't want to move into a new place because then her being in the area we moved to will become more permanent.

Since this has happened I've felt a mixture of depression, anger, and betrayal. I honestly don't know if I would even take her back at this point. What happens if we're married and/or have kids in the future and she pulls this shit again? I've completely lost my trust in her at this point. I've been with her and lived with her for so long that she also was my best friend. Losing your long term girlfriend and best friend is a double gut punch and has really put me in a bad place. We're technically not broken up but I can see the writing on the wall for what it is.

If anyone can help me out with some wisdom or advice please do because I'm at a very low point in my life right now.

 

[debeguiled]

Who hasn't been there? Blindsided by a female who failed to communicate and made it your fault? No instant cure for the pain. Best we can do is commiserate. Or maybe listen to Tfap. Sounded pretty wise, his post.

 

[PUA_Rachacha]

OP must be young and still too much into his ego.

When you get older, you don't have time for this drama. If she's not into you, no need to grovel; you'll be losing all leverage you have in the relationship. Just move on, cut off all contact as others have suggested. If she comes back, have a very serious sit down and ask her what is going on. Ask her if there's another guy, and that's it's ok to admit it, you won't be mad. If she says yes, then bounce immediately, since the relationship is toast. If she says no, and you find out she has a sidepiece, bounce immediately.

Your life should be so good now that your girl is icing on the cake, not the main course.