Heartbroken and need some advice

[JohnQThomas]

Background: I just had my 2 year anniversary with my girl a few weeks ago and everything was great. She had moved cross country almost a year ago to be with me and continue our relationship. She has had feelings of homesickness and missing her friends and family, which is completely normal, but she was fine other than that. The corona shut downs surely didn't help with the transition or making new friends in the new area but she seemed ok overall.

She went on a road-trip with her sister and friends a month ago and ever since it had went downhill. A week after she came back we went out for our anniversary and had a great time. A few days after our anniversary we went out to a party with my friends and their girls. She had girl talk with my buddies girls and when we eventually went home she started crying saying she "needed to go home. She's not happy. She misses her friends and family." After hours of discussion I talk her through it and she then seems ok. Until this process then repeated another 2x. She woke up one day and said she had to leave to clear her mind and that she "doesn't know what she wants." She packed up some stuff and went to go live with some family about an hour away. This all occurred over a period of 4 days and I was completely blindsided by it.

I've been devastated ever since. I hardly have eaten because I constantly feel sick and anxious and I've barley left my room. I told her I wouldn't bother her because she said she needed to "clear her mind" away from me so she could figure out what she wants. The only time we've talked has been when she texts me (which has been rare) and it was only small talk for the most part. I've tried to reason with her and ask her why this came out of nowhere and eventually I told her I was going to buy a house this spring and propose to her. She responded by saying she "doesn't know if she wants to marry me or not" and she doesn't want to move into a new place because then her being in the area we moved to will become more permanent.

Since this has happened I've felt a mixture of depression, anger, and betrayal. I honestly don't know if I would even take her back at this point. What happens if we're married and/or have kids in the future and she pulls this shit again? I've completely lost my trust in her at this point. I've been with her and lived with her for so long that she also was my best friend. Losing your long term girlfriend and best friend is a double gut punch and has really put me in a bad place. We're technically not broken up but I can see the writing on the wall for what it is.

If anyone can help me out with some wisdom or advice please do because I'm at a very low point in my life right now.

Does her biggest concern seem to be that she doesn’t want living in the area to be permanent? Had you led her to think you might be willing to move to the part of the country she’s from (or somewhere in between)? Or that this might be negotiable? (IS it negotiable?) Maybe she really would like to be with you—AND really doesn’t want to live where you want to live. She seems to be genuinely conflicted. Not that you should chase her, but maybe—at least if she contacts you first—ask her once whether, IF you were willing to relocate (not that you should offer to if you don’t mean it), she would think differently about staying together and marriage. If she doesn’t have an immediate answer, ask her to think about it for a few days. At least you can find out whether the issue is location or something else.
If you can’t work out where to live, or if the issue is anything else, then it’s over. And nobody is really the a-hole here. (She let you know in a civil manner that she needed some time and space to think. Unless she has cheated, nobody has done anything wrong.)
Whatever you do, DON’T marry her if she agrees (only reluctantly and due to your excellent debating skills) to keep living where you know she really doesn’t want to live. Because sooner or later she will decide that she is indeed not happy and that you pressured or manipulated her into staying. Then it’s buh-bye; and how will cross-country joint custody work out for the kids?

 

[JohnQThomas]

Background: I just had my 2 year anniversary with my girl a few weeks ago and everything was great. She had moved cross country almost a year ago to be with me and continue our relationship. She has had feelings of homesickness and missing her friends and family, which is completely normal, but she was fine other than that. The corona shut downs surely didn't help with the transition or making new friends in the new area but she seemed ok overall.

She went on a road-trip with her sister and friends a month ago and ever since it had went downhill. A week after she came back we went out for our anniversary and had a great time. A few days after our anniversary we went out to a party with my friends and their girls. She had girl talk with my buddies girls and when we eventually went home she started crying saying she "needed to go home. She's not happy. She misses her friends and family." After hours of discussion I talk her through it and she then seems ok. Until this process then repeated another 2x. She woke up one day and said she had to leave to clear her mind and that she "doesn't know what she wants." She packed up some stuff and went to go live with some family about an hour away. This all occurred over a period of 4 days and I was completely blindsided by it.

I've been devastated ever since. I hardly have eaten because I constantly feel sick and anxious and I've barley left my room. I told her I wouldn't bother her because she said she needed to "clear her mind" away from me so she could figure out what she wants. The only time we've talked has been when she texts me (which has been rare) and it was only small talk for the most part. I've tried to reason with her and ask her why this came out of nowhere and eventually I told her I was going to buy a house this spring and propose to her. She responded by saying she "doesn't know if she wants to marry me or not" and she doesn't want to move into a new place because then her being in the area we moved to will become more permanent.

Since this has happened I've felt a mixture of depression, anger, and betrayal. I honestly don't know if I would even take her back at this point. What happens if we're married and/or have kids in the future and she pulls this shit again? I've completely lost my trust in her at this point. I've been with her and lived with her for so long that she also was my best friend. Losing your long term girlfriend and best friend is a double gut punch and has really put me in a bad place. We're technically not broken up but I can see the writing on the wall for what it is.

If anyone can help me out with some wisdom or advice please do because I'm at a very low point in my life right now.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Does her biggest concern seem to be that she doesn’t want living in the area to be permanent? Had you led her to think you might be willing to move to the part of the country she’s from (or somewhere in between)? Or that this might be negotiable? (IS it negotiable?) Maybe she really would like to be with you—AND really doesn’t want to live where you want to live. She seems to be genuinely conflicted. Not that you should chase her, but maybe—at least if she contacts you first—ask her once whether, IF you were willing to relocate (not that you should offer to if you don’t mean it), she would think differently about staying together and marriage. If she doesn’t have an immediate answer, ask her to think about it for a few days. At least you can find out whether the issue is location or something else.
If you can’t work out where to live, or if the issue is anything else, then it’s over. And nobody is really the a-hole here. (She let you know in a civil manner that she needed some time and space to think. Unless she has cheated, nobody has done anything wrong.)
Whatever you do, DON’T marry her if she agrees (only reluctantly and due to your excellent debating skills) to keep living where you know she really doesn’t want to live. Because sooner or later she will decide that she is indeed not happy and that you pressured or manipulated her into staying. Then it’s buh-bye; and how will cross-country joint custody work out for the kids?

The answer to your first paragraph I did let her now I was willing to move in the future and I have been giving her space hence this weird limbo I'm in now while she does some "thinking".

I'm gona have to disagree that no one is an "a-hole" here. She freely decided to moved away from home to be with me and now blames me for her negative feelings on her situation. She also didn't ever make it known to me just how upset she had become until she decided to move out one day. She also has barley talked to me and hasn't asked how I'm doing at all after she left. This is after dating for over 2 years. She has by all means been acting like an "a-hole".

I'm sure that I'm not 100% innocent either. I should've known how she was feeling and I should've done more for her to say the least.

I also think her not wanting to live where we currently are is just her being dramatic because she's lonely because due to not having friends here besides me and my family yet. For real, we're living in a major US metro area not Mongolia; it's not that bad lol.

 

[Kona]

we're living in a major US metro area not Mongolia

Which city?

Aloha!

 

[KiwiInBudapest]

I can't tell you how much this sounds exactly like my ex reading this thread. Same story - a trip with her friend and then a month later she had a meltdown just out of a sudden.

I would advice to just to cut her off and prepare yourself mentally to let her go and see it as your own shit test on her; a screening process. She has let you down, shown disloyalty and broke the trust you had to her, so unless she comes back crawling on her knees and promise for a second chance and to make up for it, you should not bother.

In the unlikely case that she does that, fine, just write down a note and see what happens in the future. Otherwise I've had the same experience as andy dufresen, that after every breakup, the next one has always been better, younger and nicer if you just keep your shit together and make sure you make yourself more attractive and improve in different areas of your live.

With that said I can really relate to how it felt like a betrayal, that took me months to process. You've been so close to someone for a long time and then that suddenly comes out and in just a few days your reality has made a 180.

But a better woman is out there.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Which city?

Aloha!

Not trying to dox myself Kona!

I can't tell you how much this sounds exactly like my ex reading this thread. Same story - a trip with her friend and then a month later she had a meltdown just out of a sudden.

I would advice to just to cut her off and prepare yourself mentally to let her go and see it as your own shit test on her; a screening process. She has let you down, shown disloyalty and broke the trust you had to her, so unless she comes back crawling on her knees and promise for a second chance and to make up for it, you should not bother.

In the unlikely case that she does that, fine, just write down a note and see what happens in the future. Otherwise I've had the same experience as andy dufresen, that after every breakup, the next one has always been better, younger and nicer if you just keep your shit together and make sure you make yourself more attractive and improve in different areas of your live.

With that said I can really relate to how it felt like a betrayal, that took me months to process. You've been so close to someone for a long time and then that suddenly comes out and in just a few days your reality has made a 180.

But a better woman is out there.

Yea I've neem doing that. I'm considering myself a single man once again at this moment.

It's just mentally exhausting when I think of having to start the whole process of dating over again. Especially when so many young women these days are complete trash either physically, mentally, or politically. I honestly won't even have the energy or desire to even begin that for a decent amount of time.

Like I said before, at this point I'm not even sure I'd take her back. What she's done is only second to cheating in my point of view. I've lost all of my trust I had in her.

 

[Mr.President]

I am in a similar situation. It happened few weeks ago. I think of her too much, but thanks for all the people who wrote replies here, they are great. Will read them over and over again.

Good luck in your life buddy and start thinking of improving your own life. Follow your life and passions. Do what you like, enjoy the freedom and push towards new goals.

 

[Kona]

Which city?

Aloha!

How about a state or a region?

I am in Hawaii, for example. Oahu, as a matter of fact.

Aloha!

 

[redpillage]

Not trying to dox myself Kona!



Yea I've neem doing that. I'm considering myself a single man once again at this moment.

It's just mentally exhausting when I think of having to start the whole process of dating over again. Especially when so many young women these days are complete trash either physically, mentally, or politically. I honestly won't even have the energy or desire to even begin that for a decent amount of time.

Like I said before, at this point I'm not even sure I'd take her back. What she's done is only second to cheating in my point of view. I've lost all of my trust I had in her.

TONS of good advice in this thread and the only thing I would like to add is this:

Don't forget that her best years as a fertile woman are behind her, and your best years as a man are still ahead of you (i.e. mid 30s all the way up to 50).

She will deeply regret this choice at some point while you will long have forgotten about her as you will be living a happy life with your growing family. That is the crux of what we want you to take a way from this thread as it will put you on the right path to living a happy and fulfilling life.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

I am in a similar situation. It happened few weeks ago. I think of her too much, but thanks for all the people who wrote replies here, they are great. Will read them over and over again.

Good luck in your life buddy and start thinking of improving your own life. Follow your life and passions. Do what you like, enjoy the freedom and push towards new goals.

Thanks man, you too. This shit sucks but at least this experience is not uncommon and we get to learn from others who've gone through it.

How about a state or a region?

I am in Hawaii, for example. Oahu, as a matter of fact.

Aloha!

I used to live in Hawaii and i miss it very much lol. I used to go to Moose McGillycuddy's (RIP) almost every Saturday night. Anyway the most I'll say is that I'm in the New England area.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

TONS of good advice in this thread and the only thing I would like to add is this:

Don't forget that her best years as a fertile woman are behind her, and your best years as a man are still ahead of you (i.e. mid 30s all the way up to 50).

She will deeply regret this choice at some point while you will long have forgotten about her as you will be living a happy life with your growing family. That is the crux of what we want you to take a way from this thread as it will put you on the right path to living a happy and fulfilling life.

I appreciate it man. She is genuinely a very nice girl and I do pity her if that's the case.

I would've liked to start a family soon as I don't want to be in my 40's chasing around a 5 year old. Hence why I was going to propose to her but that went to shit real quick.

From what I remember from being single a couple years ago is just how terrible the dating market is for men these days. Tons of hot slutty chicks but hardly any decent and feminine chicks that you would actually want to date or can see a future with. Not looking forward to it but then again I'm not going to be a pussy and stop trying at least.

I will heed all the advice in this thread but it still doesn't make it suck any less. It's just going to take some time to get back after it.

 

[TooFineAPoint]

Seeing as how you were about to propose to her and get a home together, she actually did you a favor and let you dodge a huge bullet. Maybe she is handling it poorer than you would like, but man it could have been a lot worse if she had let her fears and resentment grow, all the while going along with your plan only to pull this when there was a mortgage and a kid involved.

Women definitely miss their families though. I know it's old school for a chick to give up her name and her parents and take on the man's digs, but even in the most conservative God-fearing families I grew up around (who are all still married), the women are deeply connected with their parents and definitely need to spend time with them regularly. My own mother's hard stop line was that she had to live within an hour or so drive from her parents until they passed away. But she also had my dad's back on everything else (kept house while he built and then eventually sold his business, incredible and healthy cook, socially networked in church, still goes to the gym in her 60s, keeps lines of communication amongst all extended family members).

 

[tomzestatlu]

This thread reminds good old RVF. Bunch of guys keeping each other up with golden advices.

Such situation always stings. I am the similar age and I can totally relate how difficult is to find worthy girl, that you can attach to some serious life plans. Just keep going and pushing through life. Imagine yourself in few years, when this event will be irrelevant to amazing life you´ll be living by that moment. But yes, it´s just too easy to give advices, when it´s someone else´s life.

 

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Update:

After she moved back home we kept in contact. Talking, texting, sending memes, etc.. She even came to visit me for the weekend a few months ago. After she left from her visit we started to talk less and less and then we went full no contact in June.

Fast-forward to a couple weeks ago I see her social media updated with pictures of her with a new guy. They've known each other for less than 3 months and are already in a relationship, have met each others families, and have gone to social events together as a couple. For a reference there was a 2 year gap between our relationship and the guy before me and it took almost half a year of dating before I met her family. It seems like they're moving so fast and it makes me feel like garbage that I can be tossed aside so easily, replaced, and forgotten about.

I've met new girls and tried to move on but it just made me feel dirty like I was cheating and I constantly kept comparing the new girls to my ex. This made me realize I'm still in love with her and my heart hasn't mended yet. I've since deleted all my dating apps and stopped going out to meet women.

Since then I've reconnected with my faith and have focused on improving myself. But after seeing her pictures with the new guy at an event where I should've been with her instead has filled me with a feeling of betrayal and sadness. Depression has loomed over me since then.

I truly do love this girl. I loved her enough to want to marry her and start a family. It hurts so much knowing that none of that will happen anymore.

Sorry for the blog post. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm seeking help/guidance/advice wherever I can.

 

[Pointy Elbows]

Mr. Bigglesworth, the pain is real and you are not alone. Much as you don't like it, this woman was not yours and was not meant for you. The evidence is posted for public consumption on social media. Honestly, she's spiking the football on your chest. It is not easy, I know from personal experience.

You may be suffering "oneitis." As in, "she's the only one for me." By evidence, this is not the case, and it likely never was. Take it from a man that spent decades pursuing his wife in this fashion, doubling down on relationship investment to always find a lesser-interested counter-party.

Now be a man. Go no contact. Stay out of the bottle and drugs. Get in the gym. Get your spiritual house in order. Go make some dough. As others have said, you may even find much better prospects. If not, you at least know the truth now. You are free to pursue a good life without her.

The best solution always involves good living. So have a good life. My best wishes to you. You can heal, so don't lose faith.

 

[TooFineAPoint]

I see her social media

^ you know what we are all going to say, right? Including the advice you would give another guy if it wasn't happening to you.

So you posted above and got that whole thing off your chest. Good stuff. Needed to be done.

Time to ship on now.

Helpful old game adages are coming to mind. "She's not yours, it was just your turn" in particular.

 

[Max Roscoe]

Some good advice here all around but I have to wonder @andy dufresne does the girl EVER come running back? Not in my experience.

And yes, your best years are definitely ahead of you (didn't happen until after 30 for me, as several friends told me it would).
But whoever said she will regret this later... well you can tell yourself if it makes you feel better. But I've seen very little evidence of women ever regretting ANYTHING. Regret requires having agency and understanding that actions have consequences. But maybe we are getting too much into the old PUA stuff here.

You didn't mention much about faith. If it's a secular relationship, those are easy come easy go. I'm sure you have strong feels, heck I still have some for a girl from over a year ago, but the reality is without a strong faith foundation, it's really just luck that any secular relationship continues one more day. You might be in for several months of sadness, but in the long run this is turning out best for you (either she is a bad prospect and you never hear from her again, or somehow this makes you a stronger couple).

 

[SingularityOne]

The turmoil is real brother. You aren’t alone in this. I just recently went through a breakup where I was going to propose to my ex and the breakup was a whiplash. Not that I have any answers for you (because I’m still processing things and don’t feel like dating either), but take it a day at a time and know God is with you and allowed this for your refinement in Him. I believe he allows things to happen for a reason that is for our salvation and only after we get to heaven will we see the unseen reasons why things happen the way they do on this earth.

Be strong brother. You are resilient and can make it through this crucible.

One thing I’ve heard from my spiritual father is to pray for your future wife whoever she may be. Pray to St. Xenia to help you lovingly detatch from your ex and to keep the healthy hopes and dreams for a family/wife someday, in God’s timing.

DM me if you need to talk.

 

[InGodweTrust38]

Time will heal it. It will get easier. Just don't give up. (I know, it's easier to be said than done).

 

[Thomas More]

Block her from Facebook, or better yet, permanently delete your Facebook account. Do not follow her online, and continue mooning over her. Breakups hurt, but the only answer is to move on with your life.

God Bless You.