How are you as a homemaker? If you're good (or if you've learned), any advice for those who are not?

Ah_Tibor

Kingfisher
Woman
Orthodox
I feel resentment towards my wife for getting a free ride so to speak, or taking advantage of me. It's my duty to lead her, and guide her with love but guide her firmly.

There's another thread where a guy is mad that his wife isn't exercising; I think the resentment is coming through and making the other defensive. It could be seen like concern trolling or "why aren't you more like my mom, or someone else who isn't you"
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
There's another thread where a guy is mad that his wife isn't exercising; I think the resentment is coming through and making the other defensive. It could be seen like concern trolling or "why aren't you more like my mom, or someone else who isn't you"
Thank you
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
Get her pregnant, take her shoes away, and confine her to the kitchen. Instinct will take over.

In all seriousness though, if your situation is settled enough that she does not have to work, motherhood is the most obvious path for feminine development and creates the sort of work that is good for women and which strengthens these skills that you seem to find lacking.

If you don't want to put babies in her, then you've thrown all semblance of tradition and gender roles out the window yourself from the get-go and I can't blame her for being confused or not having any kind of intuitive understanding of what you want from her.
Thank you. We do have a child.

I’m not sure I follow that logic as there is no confusion on my end — I look & act like a traditional man & treat her like a man should. She gets to reap all those benefits.

I will consider all the input offered in response to my post.
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
Not arrogant or offensive at all. We’re having a discussion and trying to help you figure out an issue. With written discourse it’s best to be frank, open, and upfront so there is no confusion on meaning, imo.

Anyway, back to the topic (and I apologize in advance if I come across as brusque, as well, that is unfortunately my writing/speaking style that I inherited from my father):

I’ll write again: whatever she does outside of the home should be “in addition to” what she already does in the home. Is her work more important than your happiness? If you’re upset about it enough to seek help from the forum, it must be really bothering you. It doesn’t matter if she’s saving orphans or whatever if her husband and family are suffering because of it. Her first duty is to God, then Husband, then children, then family, then whatever else. That is God’s hierarchy. (Which you seem to agree with.) Whether her “work” is important to her is irrelevant if her husband not happy.

If you are doing the housework and cooking, that isn’t leading by example. That is doing her job for her. So far, it seems you’ve been very nice and gentle but, unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be working. I hate to say it but maybe you’re being too soft on her. You should tell her your expectations upfront and how you want your household to be. It is ok to show your wife if you’re angry with her and it’s ok to give her a guilt-trip and it’s ok if what you say makes her cry. There was a time in the past when (my husband and I were first married) I wasn’t putting in my best effort towards our household and my husband had to, pretty much, chew me out. Yes, I was upset and cried (a lot) but he was right and I pulled myself together and picked up the slack.

Obviously, I don’t know exactly what’s going on in your relationship but I will tell you this, women don’t respect “nice” from men. I think *you* think you are being “firm” but you’re just being “nice.” From what you’ve written in the posts so far, you are very lenient, imo.

And I’m going to pitch for that book again. Maybe have your mom give it to her as part of a Christmas gift? My mom and I used to listen to the “Dr. Laura Show” (the author of the book I’m recommending) on the radio and she was a legit OG redpill gal (at least as far as male/female relationships go, and this was back in the 90s).
Not arrogant or offensive at all. We’re having a discussion and trying to help you figure out an issue. With written discourse it’s best to be frank, open, and upfront so there is no confusion on meaning, imo.

Anyway, back to the topic (and I apologize in advance if I come across as brusque, as well, that is unfortunately my writing/speaking style that I inherited from my father):

I’ll write again: whatever she does outside of the home should be “in addition to” what she already does in the home. Is her work more important than your happiness? If you’re upset about it enough to seek help from the forum, it must be really bothering you. It doesn’t matter if she’s saving orphans or whatever if her husband and family are suffering because of it. Her first duty is to God, then Husband, then children, then family, then whatever else. That is God’s hierarchy. (Which you seem to agree with.) Whether her “work” is important to her is irrelevant if her husband not happy.
I agree. I think she should easily be able to do both — work part time & be more on the ball and competent with basic things around the home, and to take pride in those things, but perhaps quitting her job will be necessary for that ‘ah-ha!’ moment.
If you are doing the housework and cooking, that isn’t leading by example. That is doing her job for her. So far, it seems you’ve been very nice and gentle but, unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be working. I hate to say it but maybe you’re being too soft on her. You should tell her your expectations upfront and how you want your household to be. It is ok to show your wife if you’re angry with her and it’s ok to give her a guilt-trip and it’s ok if what you say makes her cry. There was a time in the past when (my husband and I were first married) I wasn’t putting in my best effort towards our household and my husband had to, pretty much, chew me out. Yes, I was upset and cried (a lot) but he was right and I pulled myself together and picked up the slack.
To clarify, it was in the beginning. Because she was starting basically at zero, I was happy to teach her a few things, including what I like, with the understanding she would eventually take over. I was explicit with my expectations in the beginning, and she has made some progress. She’s agreed to do several things that were deal breakers which I won’t get into. She is very sensitive & cries often, and I have often let her cry to learn that hard lesson rather than rushing to her aid. I am very strict by nature so have eased up on the reigns recently to balance things out. Not to be too hard on her and have her see me as an insatiable tyrant...which could cause her to rebel. Perhaps I could have instead doubled down, as that seemed to have worked in your personal example.

Obviously, I don’t know exactly what’s going on in your relationship but I will tell you this, women don’t respect “nice” from men. I think *you* think you are being “firm” but you’re just being “nice.” From what you’ve written in the posts so far, you are very lenient, imo.
And I’m going to pitch for that book again. Maybe have your mom give it to her as part of a Christmas gift? My mom and I used to listen to the “Dr. Laura Show” (the author of the book I’m recommending) on the radio and she was a legit OG redpill gal (at least as far as male/female relationships go, and this was back in the 90s).
Good idea.
Helpful.

Sitting in a tree stand deer hunting at the moment and my fingers are freezing.

Bye for now
 

Ah_Tibor

Kingfisher
Woman
Orthodox
The other day one of the managers was commenting on how her husband is a line cook, too, and we have "so much energy" because he's the one doing laundry, cooking, etc. when they get home, and she feels like crashing.

I was thinking about it because I'm up earlier than my husband, and do stuff around the house, and get out more often to run errands (which can include things like going to the library). I don't find my job particularly emotionally taxing, whereas being a manager where people take personal shots because you're out of lemons or jelly packets (you are doing a terrible job at running a restaurant!), or arguing with doctors in China because their footnotes don't make any sense or their data is faulty (my husband), probably is.

I dunno. Sometimes you just have to deal with stuff. I doubt my husband is ever going to exercise regularly, but he doesn't like any of my suggestions when he complains (not fat, he just has a dad bod), either, haha
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
Ok. Back inside and thawed out.

Thank you all for your insight and suggestions.

If you ever have any questions and seek insight into the male brain / heart, or would like to discuss a specific issue, feel free to ask.

Best wishes
 

Mrs.DanielH

Robin
Woman
Orthodox
How would you suggest I go about solving this problem? Do you suggest I stop helping out as much, and let the chaos rise up so that she notices how much I do and is forced to solve the problem herself?
Have another discussion with her about expectations (hers and yours). You may be seeing things as messy when she sees it as normal. Tell her you are feeling overwhelmed doing XYZ chores in addition to your other responsibilities and ask for her help. Come to an agreement on what is expected and encourage her as she gets things done. Homemaking is a learned skill, and if you don't grow up in that type of environment then it can be quite a shock and feel daunting.
You should try to let go of that resentment you feel towards her. She can probably feel it. If she gets upset and cries tell her that it's okay for her to cry and you are there to support her. When she does something you want her to do make a big deal about it so she knows you feel grateful and loved by her actions. Sounds like your love language might be acts of service so maybe have a discussion about that and give her a list of things that she does or can do that make you feel loved. Then also give her the opportunity to tell you her love language and give you ideas. Work on it together.
God bless!
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
Have another discussion with her about expectations (hers and yours). You may be seeing things as messy when she sees it as normal. Tell her you are feeling overwhelmed doing XYZ chores in addition to your other responsibilities and ask for her help. Come to an agreement on what is expected and encourage her as she gets things done. Homemaking is a learned skill, and if you don't grow up in that type of environment then it can be quite a shock and feel daunting.
You should try to let go of that resentment you feel towards her. She can probably feel it. If she gets upset and cries tell her that it's okay for her to cry and you are there to support her. When she does something you want her to do make a big deal about it so she knows you feel grateful and loved by her actions. Sounds like your love language might be acts of service so maybe have a discussion about that and give her a list of things that she does or can do that make you feel loved. Then also give her the opportunity to tell you her love language and give you ideas. Work on it together.
God bless!
Thank you
 

Starlight

Kingfisher
Woman
Protestant
Thank you. We do have a child.

I’m not sure I follow that logic as there is no confusion on my end — I look & act like a traditional man & treat her like a man should. She gets to reap all those benefits.

I will consider all the input offered in response to my post.
Does she want another baby? Is she glum because she’s been giving you signs she wants another but you haven’t picked up on it? Maybe she wants you to *tell* her she needs to stay home and that you want another child. I mean, *if* you want another… (which you should :blush:)
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
Does she want another baby? Is she glum because she’s been giving you signs she wants another but you haven’t picked up on it? Maybe she wants you to *tell* her she needs to stay home and that you want another child. I mean, *if* you want another… (which you should :blush:)
We both would like another child and will be working on that soon :)
 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
We both would like another child and will be working on that soon :)
That is good.

However - I initially assumed you must not have any children, because you say she does not NEED to contribute monetarily to the household but chooses to work outside of the home part-time anyway.

How does her role as "mother" currently interface with her role as "worker?"

I assume there must be some outsourcing of her responsibilities as a mother - whether to paid caregivers or to family?

If it is acceptable to you that her responsibilities as a MOTHER be outsourced because her "job" is "important to her," then it stands to reason that ANY role/responsibility within the home may be set aside or outsourced in favor of modern norms -- at least until you start trying to outsource things she feels territorial about, or things that are understood to be exclusive to the marital relationship (such as intimate relations).

If what you want are specific acts of domestic service, specific things you want her to take responsibility for in the home, then you will probably have to spell these things out for her very explicitly, as though training a worker.

A woman torn between the home and workplace (whether by necessity OR by choice) is in no position to intuitively or naturally become better at either. Whether she becomes a better employee or a better homemaker depends on whether her employer or her husband provides the stronger instruction/reinforcement. (And if she happens to be self-employed, that can be even MORE detrimental to her role in the home, depending on details.)
 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
When I was in my teens I used to bake cookies for ALL of the guys in my social circle (including many that had to be mailed), even the ones I never would have dated, in the specific hope that I could raise their expectations of the women they ended up dating.

There is at least a little evidence that it had a positive effect!
 

Starlight

Kingfisher
Woman
Protestant
I feel like baking some cookies now lol

But I think that brings up that being a “homemaker” is not just housekeeping and cooking. It’s also creating that feeling of “home” and gemütlichkeit so that when your husband and family come home they’re instantly relaxed and comfortable, so that they say, “ah, it’s good to be home...” It’s creating the atmosphere of peace and contentedness as well as caring for those that you love.
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
I feel like baking some cookies now lol

But I think that brings up that being a “homemaker” is not just housekeeping and cooking. It’s also creating that feeling of “home” and gemütlichkeit so that when your husband and family come home they’re instantly relaxed and comfortable, so that they say, “ah, it’s good to be home...” It’s creating the atmosphere of peace and contentedness as well as caring for those that you love.
Yes. The woman is the man’s home.
 

Early Bird

Robin
Catholic
That is good.

However - I initially assumed you must not have any children, because you say she does not NEED to contribute monetarily to the household but chooses to work outside of the home part-time anyway.

How does her role as "mother" currently interface with her role as "worker?"

I assume there must be some outsourcing of her responsibilities as a mother - whether to paid caregivers or to family?

If it is acceptable to you that her responsibilities as a MOTHER be outsourced because her "job" is "important to her," then it stands to reason that ANY role/responsibility within the home may be set aside or outsourced in favor of modern norms -- at least until you start trying to outsource things she feels territorial about, or things that are understood to be exclusive to the marital relationship (such as intimate relations).

If what you want are specific acts of domestic service, specific things you want her to take responsibility for in the home, then you will probably have to spell these things out for her very explicitly, as though training a worker.

A woman torn between the home and workplace (whether by necessity OR by choice) is in no position to intuitively or naturally become better at either. Whether she becomes a better employee or a better homemaker depends on whether her employer or her husband provides the stronger instruction/reinforcement. (And if she happens to be self-employed, that can be even MORE detrimental to her role in the home, depending on details.)
She knows it is my preference for her to not work at all (for her benefit as well), but short of draping her in a burka and chaining her to the stove, I have been quite clear with her on my expectations. She has the freedom to continue just as we have the ‘freedom’ to sin. Perhaps not the best analogy but I’m sure the point is illustrated.

She is a good mother — sensitive, loving, patient, kind, a good teacher. Thankfully both sets of our child’s grandparents and her sister/brother in law live close enough to help her out here and there. Traditionally, families lived together so I don’t see this as a negative in terms of confusion or impact on the child. If this luxury wasn’t part of the equation however, she would obviously face more pressure to cease working (or pay for help and feel guilty).

I agree with your last paragraph to an extent. She was given the benefit of the doubt because she did not really get this memo from her parents or previous relationships. The novelty and benefit of more traditional me comes with a cost that is also novel to her — so there was much to learn and unlearn, the latter perhaps being more difficult. Ultimately, a woman will be torn between serving a boss or serving a husband. And when one gets higher service the other will get less...just simple economics. But many do both, such as those ladies here. You can bake cookies after work, or bring a cold drink to your husband while he’s engaged in some heavy manual labor. Without asking. Just being tuned in to very basic things should not be that difficult or the fault of some part time work. It’s more of the psyche and attitude of the woman. If she did quit her job I’m not so sure I would see an immediate increase in her domestic score. She would probably find other ways to evade her domestic role because it doesn’t come naturally. But she is trying and I encourage her efforts, even if it is like cheering on a snail race.
 

Ah_Tibor

Kingfisher
Woman
Orthodox
You can bake cookies after work, or bring a cold drink to your husband while he’s engaged in some heavy manual labor. Without asking. Just being tuned in to very basic things should not be that difficult or the fault of some part time work. It’s more of the psyche and attitude of the woman. If she did quit her job I’m not so sure I would see an immediate increase in her domestic score. She would probably find other ways to evade her domestic role because it doesn’t come naturally. But she is trying and I encourage her efforts, even if it is like cheering on a snail race.

The little things differentiate our close relationships-- understanding how we like our coffee, keeping a specific food around, being able to talk about our interests or interior life, etc. Love and understanding are very closely related, and if we feel like if we are not "understood," we feel unloved and possibly distant.

It's probably why a lot of people end up recreating their childhood as adults; often we don't like people who don't "get it," even if there's nothing wrong with them. (An older lady I knew told me that her husband wondered why she didn't iron his underwear when they first got married. "But my mom always ironed my underwear." "I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER!!" I often think about that story when people idealize young marriage, haha)
 

joy_grace

Sparrow
Woman
Other Christian
Hello ladies, can you recommended a good blog/Instagram/Facebook/YouTube account on homemaking/being a homemaker? I already know Mrs. Midwest and Daily Connoisseur. Thanks!
 

messaggera

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
She is a good mother — sensitive, loving, patient, kind, a good teacher. Thankfully both sets of our child’s grandparents and her sister/brother in law live close enough to help her out here and there. Traditionally, families lived together so I don’t see this as a negative in terms of confusion or impact on the child. If this luxury wasn’t part of the equation however, she would obviously face more pressure to cease working (or pay for help and feel guilty).

A blessing to live by family, and for you two as parents to see the value in keeping family close to help with the raising of your child.
Sad when a mother (or father) decides it is best to move so far away from family for superficial reasons.

There is a loyalty to the marriage, and to the family when extended family members are involved in a child's life. Good parenting.
 

Ah_Tibor

Kingfisher
Woman
Orthodox
Hello ladies, can you recommended a good blog/Instagram/Facebook/YouTube account on homemaking/being a homemaker? I already know Mrs. Midwest and Daily Connoisseur. Thanks!

I mostly watch food stuff. Natasha's Kitchen and Tatyana's Everyday Food (she does a lot of nice desserts) are two of my favorites. I also like Lynette Yoder, she does more "home" type things.

I have a copy of The Joy of Cooking which never steers me wrong, too.
 
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