How bad is is to marry an older woman?

bmw633

Robin
No
A year before my permanent move here, I visited her for two weeks. But that was just not long enough to properly get to know her. A woman can fairly easily be on her very best behavior, for just a two week period. My big unpleasant surprise with her was when at the last minute, she told me about her massive debt, which I am expected to pay. I have already spoken about it, but her desire to always be in charge of the relationship, vexes me. The miscarriages are a painful blow, but I should have seen that coming, due to her age. I really wanted a child, or even two. The big challenge is her *four* kids, which I knew would be fraught with difficulty, but I did not realize the depth of resistance and attitude I would be getting from them. It is just unreal, and she lets them get away with it, despite family therapists saying in articles and books that doing so is a bad thing. Also, she likes to drink from time to time, but so far, only in moderation. Filipinos, even educated ones, like to binge drink, which deeply bothers me. And my significant other used to binge drink with co-workers. But she senses my concern regarding the matter, and has never gotten drunk, since I arrived here. But even just seeing empty beer bottles around the house, bothers me. Lastly, there is the "box of dicks" problem. Every time I see a cell phone in her hand, I wonder if she is up to no good. This is because she had an emotional affair with some western guy, who a few months ago, actually came to the Philippines to see her! She claims, and I believe her, that at the last minute she said no to going to his hotel room and having sex, and then came home. But even though she did the right thing at the last minute, I am still in shock about it. I suspect the root of her doing this is wanting to get her huge debt paid off. Oh, and she seems to be bi-polar, I must not forget about that.

I do see our relationship as fixable. But it will take alot of love, effort and money to get to smooth sailing.

NOT FIXABLE!!!!! My ex had Bipolar, it will never be what you want it to be.

Run, Forrest, run!!!!

Plan an exit strategy, yesterday!!!!
 

Kona

Crow
Gold Member
I do, because despite her problems, she is still a fairly principled person. And beyond that, she has the "confessor" type personality. I have been involved with women with far deeper flaws, than my Filipina significant other. They were the ones beyond hope, that I got rid of for my own good.

You were the guy with the other thread about the Filipinos and the air conditioner, right? If you weren't the disregard these next few sentences:

You believe this woman because you are brainwashed.

Stop what you are doing and reread everything you wrote about her. If you have any sanity left you will see how utterly nuts your own words make you and your situation sound.

Trust me I'm on your side. It's their culture brah. You are an outsider and I've been around it my whole life. You are getting scammed. Stop the bleeding.

Aloha!
 

bmw633

Robin
You were the guy with the other thread about the Filipinos and the air conditioner, right? If you weren't the disregard these next few sentences:

You believe this woman because you are brainwashed.

Stop what you are doing and reread everything you wrote about her. If you have any sanity left you will see how utterly nuts your own words make you and your situation sound.

Trust me I'm on your side. It's their culture brah. You are an outsider and I've been around it my whole life. You are getting scammed. Stop the bleeding.

Aloha!
It is the culture for many, but I have met some really good Filipinas who would make fine wives here in Ormoc. The college educated women from the province are the best bet, in my opinion.

Hope the guy can see the mess he is in for what it really is, grow some testicles, and kick that lying, deceiving bitch and her nasty daughters back to the piggery they came from.

Men tend to complicate their lives, then try to justify it.
 

Mike_Key

Robin
I've been wanting to revisit this thread, the video above is a good one. Although consider Demi Moore, washed up with 2 or 3 kids married to Ashton ... her childish quotes ...

"I put my body through hell for him, to have a baby ..."
"I wanted to be 'that girlfriend' for him ..."
in having libertine sex.
When Ashton had a baby, "He should have told me, I could have left the country."

"He made me drunk, he made me drink, I vomited at the toilet and Ashton made mean comments."


Lady, go and raise your kids. She had young kids at the time. Older women can be immature.

Sadly though, girls/women these days that are single at 30 have had an abortion at 18 years old. The guy in the above video, he said at age 27. No, that's sorely wrong. To the chagrin, mortification and embarrassment/disappointment of the future husband, she has had at least 1 abortion at age 18 (But this is where five (5) people say she deserves forgiveness, Yes, she is forgiven - you just wish that wasn't in your pedigree, a miscarriage, two or even 5 natural miscarriages, sure ... but an abortion, that's a little harder to handle. And then, with miscarriages, you wish they were yours, they - they women - wouldn't even be married if they were having miscarriages - those days are gone)

I wish these threads were lighthearted and pleasant, but alas ...

: )

John 3:16
 
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Waverer

Robin
A friend got married four years ago at 33 and his wife is the same age. They have had two painful miscarriages, one son, and now have just had a third miscarriage. He says this is putting huge strain on their marriage and advises against marrying even women of the age he married if I want children.
 
Moving Forward, even if you believe her, it sounds like you could get a much healthier relationship with someone else. Why are you convinced she is the best you can do, given all you've said?

I put so much time, energy and money into this relationship, over the past five years. And yes, I am familiar with the sunken cost fallacy concept. If she were a truly clear-cut case of overwhelmingly bad character and dysfunction (sexually cheating on me, a scam artist), I could dump her, as I have done to other women in the past. But she is not at that point, in my estimation. She is very flawed, but I still feel that things could be turned around, especially if I can manage to pay off her debts, so that we don't feel like we are suffocating.

I don't want to start a relationship from scratch, especially in a foreign country. I could end up from bad to worse. But it would have been so nice having a woman with no/little debt, and only one or two kids. But sometimes I do daydream about being single, living monkmode here, and once and awhile, going on old fashioned dates with women I meet online.

I think she does want to stay with me, because of her sexual attraction to me, a sense of love/connection, despite everything, our shared history, her sense of commitment, however flawed, and all the time and energy she has invested. And also I suspect her friends and family will look down on her, if we break up. They have noticed the amount of effort and sacrifice I have made. And so of course she does not want social condemnation. But on the other hand, she is tired of her large debt and may dump me to find a guy who can easily pay if all off, at once. But then again, having this large debt, having four kids, and pushing forty, does not make her an ideal prospect for successful men who want a woman with her act together. But she could probably find someone with lots of money, but they would most likely just be much older. Briffault's Law!

At times she has threatened me with leaving for a two year contract overseas job, where she could make much more money. But due to her age, it may not be so easy for her to get hired, as a first timer. And it would be hard on her kids, to say the least. She likes from time to time to mentally depth charge me, with this threat.

Right now I recently learned she had to pay her employer four hundred of my dollars for money she owed the company slushfund. I was told about it, after the fact. And so I could not buy some boardgames, martial arts supplies, etc., I wanted to get, to help bond with the girls. Oh, and on top of that, a five hundred dollar bill is coming up for private school. The quarterly payment... The oldest daughter flunked the 9th grade, and yet I paid good money for her to do it. Only two of the girls are private school material, and excellent students. My teeth need work, but I gave money I was saving for that, for her father's medical bills, when he spent a month in a private hospital, for a lung disease condition.

She told me she wants to quit her job and basically nest at home, trying to create a business over time. She's tired of working at her company. She wants me to pay off her large debts, continue to pay for her kid's private school educations, buy land for a house (she would do the actual purchasing, I can't as a non-citizen, and she would own the land/house, not me), then have a house built, and then pay half the cost for the college educations of her four daughters. Oh, and save for our future retirement! Whew! Lol
 

bmw633

Robin
I put so much time, energy and money into this relationship, over the past five years. And yes, I am familiar with the sunken cost fallacy concept. If she were a truly clear-cut case of overwhelmingly bad character and dysfunction (sexually cheating on me, a scam artist), I could dump her, as I have done to other women in the past. But she is not at that point, in my estimation. She is very flawed, but I still feel that things could be turned around, especially if I can manage to pay off her debts, so that we don't feel like we are suffocating.

I don't want to start a relationship from scratch, especially in a foreign country. I could end up from bad to worse. But it would have been so nice having a woman with no/little debt, and only one or two kids. But sometimes I do daydream about being single, living monkmode here, and once and awhile, going on old fashioned dates with women I meet online.

I think she does want to stay with me, because of her sexual attraction to me, a sense of love/connection, despite everything, our shared history, her sense of commitment, however flawed, and all the time and energy she has invested. And also I suspect her friends and family will look down on her, if we break up. They have noticed the amount of effort and sacrifice I have made. And so of course she does not want social condemnation. But on the other hand, she is tired of her large debt and may dump me to find a guy who can easily pay if all off, at once. But then again, having this large debt, having four kids, and pushing forty, does not make her an ideal prospect for successful men who want a woman with her act together. But she could probably find someone with lots of money, but they would most likely just be much older. Briffault's Law!

At times she has threatened me with leaving for a two year contract overseas job, where she could make much more money. But due to her age, it may not be so easy for her to get hired, as a first timer. And it would be hard on her kids, to say the least. She likes from time to time to mentally depth charge me, with this threat.

Right now I recently learned she had to pay her employer four hundred of my dollars for money she owed the company slushfund. I was told about it, after the fact. And so I could not buy some boardgames, martial arts supplies, etc., I wanted to get, to help bond with the girls. Oh, and on top of that, a five hundred dollar bill is coming up for private school. The quarterly payment... The oldest daughter flunked the 9th grade, and yet I paid good money for her to do it. Only two of the girls are private school material, and excellent students. My teeth need work, but I gave money I was saving for that, for her father's medical bills, when he spent a month in a private hospital, for a lung disease condition.

She told me she wants to quit her job and basically nest at home, trying to create a business over time. She's tired of working at her company. She wants me to pay off her large debts, continue to pay for her kid's private school educations, buy land for a house (she would do the actual purchasing, I can't as a non-citizen, and she would own the land/house, not me), then have a house built, and then pay half the cost for the college educations of her four daughters. Oh, and save for our future retirement! Whew! Lol

So, why do you feel obligated to have your money go to her bottomless pit of debt? Why pay for private school for kids who do not pass their classes?

Even if everything was paid off, how long before she would steal from the cash register, take money from you to spend on whatever?

And, this emotional affair, where she met a foreigner who came to Philippines to meet her, right under your nose? Very dishonest. Have you been on her phone to see if she contacting other guys to scam?

Do not buy a house for this woman. My neighbor bought a house, and his wife is cheating on him. He will lose the house to her.
 
So, why do you feel obligated to have your money go to her bottomless pit of debt? Why pay for private school for kids who do not pass their classes?

Even if everything was paid off, how long before she would steal from the cash register, take money from you to spend on whatever?

And, this emotional affair, where she met a foreigner who came to Philippines to meet her, right under your nose? Very dishonest. Have you been on her phone to see if she contacting other guys to scam?

Do not buy a house for this woman. My neighbor bought a house, and his wife is cheating on him. He will lose the house to her.

I am her man, so I feel an obligation to pay for not just her, but the four girls. At this point, with half her paychecks being garnished, she provides little. If her debts were paid off, I think she would be in a good state of mind and we would be okay. She is not an outrageous spender like some women, who buy lots of frivolous crap, but at the same time, she is not good at living on a tight budget.

She has regularly invaded my privacy, and makes no apologies, due to the constant cheating of her ex. I tend towards respecting the privacy of my partner, and wanting the same. But after what happened, I did take a quick look at her phone (she does not use password protection). I noticed a co-worker, a good looking guy who likes skydiving, and the two joke around alot, and use a ton of emoji's. And when he calls on a work related call, she sounds very animated. I don't think an affair is happening, but it has potential to move that way. She has asked me a couple of times what I would do if she had an affair, which creeps me out. I told her I would forgive her just once, and we would have to go to months of professional counseling to attempt to fix things.

I do worry just a little bit that if I worked my butt off to get her a house, that she could kick me out, down the line. The only way I get ownership is if she dies and I become a widower. But despite her flaws, she is a loving person, and I don't see her doing such a vicious thing. We do love each other, but debt problems and her psychological baggage makes things hard.
 

bucky

Ostrich
You were the guy with the other thread about the Filipinos and the air conditioner, right? If you weren't the disregard these next few sentences:

You believe this woman because you are brainwashed.

Stop what you are doing and reread everything you wrote about her. If you have any sanity left you will see how utterly nuts your own words make you and your situation sound.

Trust me I'm on your side. It's their culture brah. You are an outsider and I've been around it my whole life. You are getting scammed. Stop the bleeding.

Aloha!

I just feel sad for MovingForward2050 when I read his posts. He's been on here for months now, just looking for someone to tell him that yeah, marrying this woman and spending a fortune educating her kids and buying her a house is a good idea. As I can tell, exactly no one on RVF has done this. Quite the opposite, I've seen what seems like dozens of forum members, including very senior members who deeply understand women and their nature, tell him he's crazy if goes any further with this and should get out now. He's not going to, though, based on a a sunk costs fallacy that he himself identifies a few posts above this one.

MF2050, based on what you've said I'd say there's about 90% she's cheating on you right now. After you marry her, that chance will go up to over 99%. Don't do this to yourself. If you have the money to do everything you've done so far, you have the opportunity to build yourself a great life and, hopefully, meet a woman who's good marriage material at some point in the future.
 

Waverer

Robin
I 100% agree with Bucky. You've dug yourself into a big hole here - but there is a simple route out: ending things. You've given no sensible reason not to. As Bucky says, it's not enough to be aware of the sunk costs fallacy if you've no answer to it. That's like saying "Yeah, I'm aware I am 8 times over the drink drive limit" as you begin a long drive, and expecting it to end well for you.

"I don't want to start a relationship from scratch, especially in a foreign country. I could end up from bad to worse."

Staying with this woman sounds worse than being single, even for a long time.
 

kel

Pelican
I would consider any woman over 35 as older. They all have baggage by this point in their lives. The most common thing is that they are independent minded and will not listen to anyone, even their parents, siblings, friends when it comes to life advice. If they had, they would have all been married by this time. I have seen that these women have pretty much given up on marriage, at least in India, since they know they are on the wrong side of 35 and just want some fun+drama in their lives. Women between 30-35 are still salvageable. They still have hopes of getting married and being a mother although they are also drama queens.

Agree that they're still salvageable, but my cutoff for officially "old" is now 27. Kinda arbitrary, but there's that ideal of "the 27 club", and a round number is just as arbitrary, so why not. 27 is the beginning of the coping stage for women, usually. The "30 is the new 20" is stage two.
 

Waverer

Robin
How old are you, kel? I think part of the issue with setting any cut off is that you need to be ever more successful, the bigger the age gap you're willing to tolerate. Not dating anyone above 27 may work if you're 29. If you're 39, you'd better have something else to bring to the table - or be willing to lower your standards a lot in other areas. Maybe I'm wrong.
 

bucky

Ostrich
Agree that they're still salvageable, but my cutoff for officially "old" is now 27. Kinda arbitrary, but there's that ideal of "the 27 club", and a round number is just as arbitrary, so why not. 27 is the beginning of the coping stage for women, usually. The "30 is the new 20" is stage two.

I've always had an age cutoff that's higher than most here for whatever reason. Even here in my solid blue globohomo-dominated US city of millions, I still see women between 35 and 40 who I find physically very attractive. Imagine dating a woman that in that age range with marriage and children in mind though. Even if you ignore the risk of pregnancy at her age, I don't think even she would be able to honestly tell if she's marrying you for you or because of the deafening ticking of her biological clock. Good luck trying to figure that out yourself.
 

Waverer

Robin
Bucky, is that any different from women marrying at 23 sixty years ago because all their friends the same age already had? Obviously if a woman self-consciously marries a man she doesn't love because of the sound of that clock then it doesn't bode well. But if it makes her look again at men she wouldn't have at 29 (or at 19 sixty years ago) is it such a red flag?
 

bucky

Ostrich
Bucky, is that any different from women marrying at 23 sixty years ago because all their friends the same age already had? Obviously if a woman self-consciously marries a man she doesn't love because of the sound of that clock then it doesn't bode well. But if it makes her look again at men she wouldn't have at 29 (or at 19 sixty years ago) is it such a red flag?

I'd say it's at least a little different, because at 23 a woman is still more-or-less in her reproductive prime. I know there was probably pressure to get married at that age back then, but for different reasons. As much as current year society tells them differently, childless women over 35 know on some level that their odds of dying alone are skyrocketing as time passes, and as time passes they become increasingly conscious of the danger. I have several female friends and acquaintances who are well into middle age like I am who never had children and I've watched the process unfold over the last decade or so. Now that they're around 50 the realization that they'll be alone forever has set in and they're miserable and slowly losing their minds. It's really sad to watch. All young women assume that they'll be treated the way they are when they're young and beautiful forever, without realizing how fleeting those few years actually are.
 

Waverer

Robin
All young women assume that they'll be treated the way they are when they're young and beautiful forever, without realizing how fleeting those few years actually are.

I was chatting to a pretty 30 year old last week who said how helpful every one of the men in her college class ten years ago was. She seemed oblivious to any romantic motivation and it was very sweet in its way. But yes, she seemed a classic in the genre you mention - not in any way linking it to her youth and beauty, and presumably not thinking it will ever end.
 

kel

Pelican
How old are you, kel? I think part of the issue with setting any cut off is that you need to be ever more successful, the bigger the age gap you're willing to tolerate. Not dating anyone above 27 may work if you're 29. If you're 39, you'd better have something else to bring to the table - or be willing to lower your standards a lot in other areas. Maybe I'm wrong.

Mid-30s. I am pretty successful, though, so that helps, though it often attracts status-seeking women (I work for a cool startup, live a pretty interesting life with interesting people, etc.).

I've mostly dated women around my age, but for kids I'm looking younger. I'm seeing a 26 year old right now who's a good candidate, amongst others, though I need to make sure our values and life plans align (it's easy to say "yes", it's another thing to live it day in and day out). I'm also seeing a 41 year old who, despite having kinda pissed her life away on globalist bullshit, would probably make good matriarch material at the farmstead I'm building, so I'm keeping her on the line too. The sl*ts I keep around to b*ng I'm phasing out, no more time.
 

bmw633

Robin
Mid-30s. I am pretty successful, though, so that helps, though it often attracts status-seeking women (I work for a cool startup, live a pretty interesting life with interesting people, etc.).

I've mostly dated women around my age, but for kids I'm looking younger. I'm seeing a 26 year old right now who's a good candidate, amongst others, though I need to make sure our values and life plans align (it's easy to say "yes", it's another thing to live it day in and day out). I'm also seeing a 41 year old who, despite having kinda pissed her life away on globalist bullshit, would probably make good matriarch material at the farmstead I'm building, so I'm keeping her on the line too. The sl*ts I keep around to b*ng I'm phasing out, no more time.

If you settle down with the 41 year old, be prepared to have a Down Syndrome kid or pay thousands for IVF. Very stale eggs, if any left at all.....

The baby rabies in women in their late 20 into 30's doesn't allow time to bond as a couple, so the pressure to conceive is immense and takes precedence over doing many fun things as a couple.
 

tomzestatlu

Kingfisher
I am seeking not advice, but view from different point about my current situation.
To begin, even though it´s not okay to say such things on this forum anymore, to do not be seen as someone, who is desperately looking for attention of some woman to love me, I must admit that over last 2 and half years I have met with maybe hundreds of women and slept with dozens of them. Without having stronger sympathy for any of them and without desire to spend with them any extra time than necessary for reaching my sinful goals. During this period, I was opened for creating some deeper bond, but it just never worked, not even a close. I considered myself to be emotional-dead.
A little less then 2 months ago I met this woman, who lives 1 kilometer from my place. The thing is that I am 28 and she is 36. And she has got two children from 10 years LTR with some guy from USA, who stayed their whole relationship not really close to their family. If I told myself this 2 months ago, I would call myself crazy. But since the first moment, we clicked with each other very much. I mean I have never felt like this with any other girl in my life and it´s really intense. She´s not typical desperate single mother. She takes care of herself very well and you wouldn´t say she´s older than 30 and has vibes of much younger girl. Also, she´s not dependable on anyone, she earns a lot of money (from home), while she has really good approach to raising her kids. She also built a big house without any contribution of her ex (which is super difficult in my country thanks to current real estate crisis). We read the same books, talk about them and I would say we push each other forward a lot lot in terms of working on ourself to become better versions of us.
She´s very family oriented and she would like to have one more child soon, since it´s going to be her last chance. She´s probably very fertile, because both her children were born after 30 on "first attempt", according to her.
I know that this sounds crazy and if it wasn´t me, I would laugh. But I feel some kind of genuine connection I´ve never felt before. And to add, I am in military and currently being answered to new unit which will make me be away a lot and it would be nice to have someone to come back. We are not making any decisions and just let it "flow" and let the time show us and we both understand that to make any serious commitments, it´s still to early.
 
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