How to approach dating as an Orthodox Christian

Optimus Princeps

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
How have you guys approached this and what has worked for you? I'm still inquiring but have been attending a very based ROCOR church and will likely become a catechumen soon. While the church I'm attending is great, almost all of the young single people are young men, with most young women already married.

Now I'm getting into situations just during day-to-day activities where there's the opportunity to approach girls and get their number, which I did recently. As I have run "game" in the past I don't really have any anxiety about doing this, but it has me thinking about how the best way to screen for a wife would be when doing so. Obviously I do not want to fornicate outside of marriage anymore. Now just to clarify I'm not going out trying to pick up girls but I have been including a prayer for a wife in my daily prayers, so when the situation presents itself very naturally, I see it as possibly sent from God, although it can also be sent from Satan to tempt me.

Do any of you have experience with going on dates with girls you meet in places other than church and how the process went of gauging what their beliefs are? I imagine that the majority of women would not be very receptive to this, so while I know the steps of going from getting a number to fornicating with a girl, it seems like a completely new way of dating or "courting" where I would be screening the woman.
 

knight Rose

Pigeon
Protestant
I would read Song of Songs and try and recreate the scenario in my mind. For instance, in the first chapter she wonders what sort of a job he does and what he does during his break.

" Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday."

To me that would mean that I need to have a job, explain it in an interesting way and have some awesome hobbies that I am interested in.

And do that for throughout the book. That should give you the basics of what girls look for and what you should do to respond in the right way.
 

Optimus Princeps

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
My first “date” with my now-wife, who I met at Church, was at a Stop The Steal rally. She brought an anti-abortion sign. Shortly after we shelled out big bucks for a private feeding tour of rescued bears, lions, and tigers.

Coming up on our six month wedding anniversary soon.
Congrats Michael, that's great. God has surely blessed you. I enjoyed listening to you on the Roosh Hour you were on.
I would read Song of Songs and try and recreate the scenario in my mind. For instance, in the first chapter she wonders what sort of a job he does and what he does during his break.

" Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday."

To me that would mean that I need to have a job, explain it in an interesting way and have some awesome hobbies that I am interested in.

And do that for throughout the book. That should give you the basics of what girls look for and what you should do to respond in the right way.
I appreciate the suggestion, but I really don't have an issue with not knowing what girls look for. My question was moreso asking others to share their experiences in courtship as opposed to secular dating which I am more used to, and whether even trying outside of women you know from church or are automatically screened another way such as @MichaelWitcoff 's story displays.
 

MichaelWitcoff

Hummingbird
Orthodox
Congrats Michael, that's great. God has surely blessed you. I enjoyed listening to you on the Roosh Hour you were on.

I appreciate the suggestion, but I really don't have an issue with not knowing what girls look for. My question was moreso asking others to share their experiences in courtship as opposed to secular dating which I am more used to, and whether even trying outside of women you know from church or are automatically screened another way such as @MichaelWitcoff 's story displays.
To be fair, she was a fan of mine on YouTube and we sent a couple messages back and forth on IG before we met. That said, I didn’t intend to date anyone and it was divine Providence that she happened to show up at my particular parish when she did. I suggested several around town and didn’t even tell her which one I went to.
 

Lawrence87

Kingfisher
Orthodox
I'd pray about it first and foremost.

I think approaching randoms is all well and good but you need to make sure it's not your old self doing it. Like thinking "I'll mention the Orthodox part later" or what have you, and then that point never comes and the old self takes over and leads you to sin.

Be yourself, pray about it, keep going to church, get to know people (who knows who they know!) And you never know who's going to start showing up at your church...
 

Optimus Princeps

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
I'd pray about it first and foremost.

I think approaching randoms is all well and good but you need to make sure it's not your old self doing it. Like thinking "I'll mention the Orthodox part later" or what have you, and then that point never comes and the old self takes over and leads you to sin.

Be yourself, pray about it, keep going to church, get to know people (who knows who they know!) And you never know who's going to start showing up at your church...
You put into words what I think I was worried about. Very good advice. I don't want to be closed off to meeting new people just because i'm inquiring into Orthodox right now and lets face it, there's not that many people in the Orthodox Church. But at the same time I know I should be careful in not falling back to my old ways or compromising any of my beliefs to please the world.
 

Lawrence87

Kingfisher
Orthodox
You put into words what I think I was worried about. Very good advice. I don't want to be closed off to meeting new people just because i'm inquiring into Orthodox right now and lets face it, there's not that many people in the Orthodox Church. But at the same time I know I should be careful in not falling back to my old ways or compromising any of my beliefs to please the world.
Also try not to approach it with secular logic. "There's not many people into Orthodoxy, therefore I gotta broaden the search" of course it could be that God has put you here to convert another soul to His church, but also your future wife might be once of these "few" that are into Orthodoxy and He might bring you together in a way beyond anything you could contrive on your own. With God all things are possible.
 

Steven jr

Chicken
Orthodox
Ask people especially women you know and respect if they know anyone they think would be a good match for you. Women used to infamous about playing match maker and now I think they don't know to even try anymore. This isn't how I met my wife or anything but it worked for me a few times in my pre-Christian dating life.
About staying pure in the process of all this I'd just advise against going anywhere after sun down "when the power of darkness reigns".
 

MichaelWitcoff

Hummingbird
Orthodox
About staying pure in the process of all this I'd just advise against going anywhere after sun down "when the power of darkness reigns".
If you click with a woman and want to pursue something further, tell her right up front you’re not going to have sex with her unless you decide you want to marry her and actually make her your wife. And don’t just say it, mean it. Don’t put yourself in a position to go back on your words, either. You’re the man, set and hold the frame.
 

Optimus Princeps

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
If you click with a woman and want to pursue something further, tell her right up front you’re not going to have sex with her unless you decide you want to marry her and actually make her your wife. And don’t just say it, mean it. Don’t put yourself in a position to go back on your words, either. You’re the man, set and hold the frame.
This is a good mentality. Go on a few dates and see if you click first. At this point the woman will pretty much be expecting to have sex so you have to assert this boundary solidly and if she does not respect it then that is a great way to screen women who would not be a good match.

It's funny God showed me pretty quickly, after just a few messages exchanged with a girl I met last week she mentions that she is bi- Great instant next so I don't have to waste any time. Its clear your daddy is satan and not God!
 

MichaelWitcoff

Hummingbird
Orthodox
This is a good mentality. Go on a few dates and see if you click first. At this point the woman will pretty much be expecting to have sex so you have to assert this boundary solidly and if she does not respect it then that is a great way to screen women who would not be a good match.

It's funny God showed me pretty quickly, after just a few messages exchanged with a girl I met last week she mentions that she is bi- Great instant next so I don't have to waste any time. Its clear your daddy is satan and not God!
I should also add that marriage permanently alters your life, so you should be ruthlessly selective in our day and age. Before I met my wife I was completely uninterested in dating and hadn’t even asked for a girl’s number in about two years. But if marriage is best for your salvation, God will make it known (as well as the person to whom marriage will sanctify you).
 

Optimus Princeps

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
I should also add that marriage permanently alters your life, so you should be ruthlessly selective in our day and age. Before I met my wife I was completely uninterested in dating and hadn’t even asked for a girl’s number in about two years. But if marriage is best for your salvation, God will make it known (as well as the person to whom marriage will sanctify you).
Yes, all power and glory goes to God. Because I am new in my faith I think He may want me to develop more first before complicating things.
 

henrypemberton

Chicken
Orthodox Catechumen
I would like to share a light-hearted story from today:

After my weekly meeting with my priest, I stopped by the coffee shop since I had not eaten at all until then. I ordered a cinnamon raisin bagel with no cream cheese or anything, and apparently felt like explaining myself to the cute girl taking my order so I mentioned that I was "trying to be vegan." The girl seemed to take an interest and responded by saying she had also thought about going vegan (please go easy on me; for better or worse I decided to play it off this way at first and knew that "going vegan" would appear not too unusual and I could just get my food without needing to explain much).

Perhaps I was prompted by the sign on the door informing me that the shop would be closed for Easter, but for some reason I kept talking and mentioned that I was actually fasting due to Lent. This appeared to pique her interest, and we had a relatively brief back and forth where I tried to explain how Orthodox Easter is actually next Sunday. She mentioned she was Christian too, but "non-denominational." I said I had also been non-denominational too for several years, but now was turning to Orthodox Christianity. What was somewhat funny is that she really knew nothing about Orthodoxy, as evidenced by her actually asking if I was Jewish. Just goes to show how people don't associate basic Christian practices with Christianity.

I could definitely tell she was interested due to how much she seemed to perk up after I mentioned Christianity. Maybe working a cash register is just boring and anything out of the ordinary is welcome conversation. I don't know. But I felt radiant and joyful, I believe due to the meeting with my pastor. I wonder if this is something people in the world can sense, because I certainly felt it.

Anyway, I left without more. Maybe I will continue the conversation if she is there and I happen to swing in again. I know coffee girls no doubt get lots of attention from guys, but you never know. I think meeting girls through church is probably the best "screening" mechanism, but that's not really what church is for anyway. I admit that, as someone who is still so new to living a life in Christ, I am open to getting to know girls outside the faith if they are open to learning more and following the basic ground rules of Christian courtship. I am not saying this girl today was that. Who knows. The bigger takeaway is that I am slowly embracing my faith and sharing it without hesitation. I think this is a good development overall, especially when it comes to chance encounters with girls.
 
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Optimus Princeps

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
I like to come at it from an apophatic approach of what NOT to do, and that includes secular tactics of intimacy (including kissing and hand holding), touching, idle communication, anything that spikes physical and emotional attraction, and the like.
Interesting I knew we should refrain from something like kissing due to the risk of it leading to sex, but I did not think about other touch and idle communication (I'm assuming you kind of mean flirting here). Without any of that I honestly wouldn't really be sure how to go about courting a woman it seems that this would be ideal for a woman who is already Orthodox or some kind of matching arrangement by the parents like what used to happen.

Would you mind expanding upon why idle communication should be prevented? I ask this as someone who has a personality towards women that would come off as playful and feel that it is a natural way at least for me to interact with them. I understand it could incite lust but I can't see myself speaking monotone to a woman while still being able to show my personality. As I'm italian as well I'm very expressive.
Anyway, I left without more. Maybe I will continue the conversation if she is there and I happen to swing in again. I know coffee girls no doubt get lots of attention from guys, but you never know. I think meeting girls through church is probably the best "screening" mechanism, but that's not really what church is for anyway. I admit that, as someone who is still so new to living a life in Christ, I am open to getting to know girls outside the faith if they are open to learning more and following the basic ground rules of Christian courtship. I am not saying this girl today was that. Who knows. The bigger takeaway is that I am slowly embracing my faith and sharing it without hesitation. I think this is a good development overall, especially when it comes to chance encounters with girls.
Thanks for sharing it was enjoyable to read. I know exactly what you mean about having that radiating energy after church as I've had the same thing and it seems women are drawn to it. The way I'm approaching it, and keep in mind I am very new in my faith and not knowledgeable, is that there would be nothing wrong in a situation such as you describe to get the girl's number and go on a date. Through a coffee date or something similar you should be able to tell pretty easily whether there's a chance God wants you to match up with her or not.
 

CollinG

Chicken
Protestant
I found dating apps to be a helpful tool and actually met my wife through one (the caveat being that I'm not Orthodox, but approached dating from a non-secular perspective and I think everything I'm about to write will still apply). You just need to write your profile in a way that makes it abundantly clear that your faith is your #1 priority and that you expect your future wife to feel the same way. If you state your priorities of #1 faith and #2 dating for marriage not for fun, you sift through a lot of the nonsense pretty quickly and seriously narrow down your potential matches. If you resist the temptation to widen your field, you won't have many dates (I think I had 3), but you'll at least be discussing your 1st priority 1st and most likely with like-minded, Godly women. Ultimately, my wife was most attracted to what I wrote about my faith and that's what I liked about her profile as well.
 

Pooch32

 
Banned
Protestant
If you are going to get a wife from outside the Church (I'm engaged to one). You MUST game her and fornicate with her quickly. The sexes are in defect/defect, thus you must start in defect/defect then slowly move her to cooperate/cooperate. This is no where explicitly outlawed in the bible when dealing with unowned women. The problem is fornicating with them and chucking them, thus spoiling good property. Fornicate with her, own her, get her going to church her with you, then marry her. This is not a sin and the only way to find a wife in our current defect/defect of the sexes.

Waiting for marriage for sex only works when your family is in cooperate/cooperate with other families that have daughters. Very rare for converts to the church. Harness the power of Game for good, not for evil and the Kingdom of God awaits you.
 
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Lawrence87

Kingfisher
Orthodox
I think one thing that's important is to not mince words when talking with potential marriage partners. Secular relationships tend to avoid talking about important matters for fear of blowing it too soon and all this kind of stuff. I think in this context it's better to blow it too soon if the person is not on the same page about how they envisage their future. So you should talk about kids and how you'd want to raise them, how you think marriage should be, and assess whether you are on the same page about all that kind of stuff. If that freaks them out and scares them off; good, you don't want to marry them then.

I think it's easy to have a hangover from secular dating that keeping ones cards close to ones chest in so far as what one is looking for specifically is a good tactic. It might be a good tactic if "whatever I can get out of this" is your aim, but if you are after a wife, you should be extremely specific about what you are looking for, and not bother pursuing people who don't match up with that.
 
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