How to avoid frustration when Online-Dating

Causanostraelaetitiae

Chicken
Woman
Catholic
Online-Dating, as much as it can be useful for expanding your Dating-Pool is also mostly fruitless and the downsides are not knowing where you are at with a person you are writing with or them suddenly no longer writing back and not knowing why. Often I feel like I´m wasting my time.

I suppose I would like to ask if anyone on this forum has a success story to share or ways to make the whole experience more bearable.
 

PineTreeFarmer

Kingfisher
Woman
Protestant
Online-Dating, as much as it can be useful for expanding your Dating-Pool is also mostly fruitless and the downsides are not knowing where you are at with a person you are writing with or them suddenly no longer writing back and not knowing why. Often I feel like I´m wasting my time.

I suppose I would like to ask if anyone on this forum has a success story to share or ways to make the whole experience more bearable.
I have only had one significant other that I didn't communicate with in a digital medium first in my entire life, and I've been married twice and had a few serious relationships otherwise. I think the sheer number of people looking online now makes it difficult to dedicate your attention.

Ultimately, being open to doing things I wouldn't typically have done made success stories of those relationships, and made bearable the ones that didn't pan out. I painted sets and murals on dates, saw weird b horror at drive-ins, went to have Korean in the Korean part of town. Went to antique markets. The best date was in a new apartment, in a room empty except for a tent and Christmas lights. Be open to falling.
 

Tradcatholic

Robin
Catholic
I have only had one significant other that I didn't communicate with in a digital medium first in my entire life, and I've been married twice and had a few serious relationships otherwise. I think the sheer number of people looking online now makes it difficult to dedicate your attention.

Ultimately, being open to doing things I wouldn't typically have done made success stories of those relationships, and made bearable the ones that didn't pan out. I painted sets and murals on dates, saw weird b horror at drive-ins, went to have Korean in the Korean part of town. Went to antique markets. The best date was in a new apartment, in a room empty except for a tent and Christmas lights. Be open to falling.
Yes, so long as it's falling in love and not falling into sin.
 

just a human

 
Banned
Atheist
Online-Dating, as much as it can be useful for expanding your Dating-Pool is also mostly fruitless and the downsides are not knowing where you are at with a person you are writing with or them suddenly no longer writing back and not knowing why. Often I feel like I´m wasting my time.

I suppose I would like to ask if anyone on this forum has a success story to share or ways to make the whole experience more bearable.
If you want to avoid frustration in online dating, you need to understand and accept basic ,so called "red pill truths" about relationships between sexes.
Look - when a man swipes right, it doesn't automatically mean that he likes you. Maybe some really do, but if they often don't write you back, it means that you, as a woman , aim too high. Which is natural for most of women. You are trying to get a man whom you can't actually get. Why they swipe you right and even start a conversation?
For easy sex, or to get some sort of validation, or just because they swipe almost all right, and then look thru matches, what they can get.
Harsh truth is that man can have sex with hundreds of different women, not because he likes all of them, but because he likes the process of getting women and having sex.
Many man can even start a long term relationship, not because he likes that particular women very much, but because she was available to him at some moment, when he was lonely and felt desperate. Then, after some time, he maybe will find an other one, whom he likes much better , and will run away with her.
So - keep in mind all these things, and you will avoid a lots of frustration.
 

Elspeth

Sparrow
Woman
Protestant
My husband and I met each other on OKCupid and we were engaged 6 months later.

My husband (10 years my senior) told me that the reason I stood out to him was because I was one of the few women who included an actual bio in my profile. My bio consisted of things I liked to do (academic, athletic, etc.), and what I love in other people, in general. It was not a list of demands, nor of dislikes. My photos were a variety of headshots and full body pics, but devoid of anything overtly sensual. Only one of them was a selfie, the others were of me with my friends.

My husband stood out to me on OKC because his pictures were natural. He smiled in all of them, indicating he was a friendly, easy-going person (I hate it when men stare into a camera with a straight or somber face, thinking they look more "masculine" or "alpha" if they do, lol), and they were of him with his family and friends. However, what struck me as unusual was the message he sent me. The message contained an exact date and time for us to meet for our first date in an assertive, yet kind and thoughtful way. When we met at the coffee shop, he was already sitting down, waiting for me with a cup of coffee in hand. Because I'm not an entitled person, I didn't expect him to buy me one. I simply sat down and we began to chat. I didn't know this, but I had passed his test, and he later got up to generously buy me a cup of coffee. (He used this test to weed out women who are only looking for freebies, because as you can imagine, he ran into a lot of those.)

Regarding his character, he has the patience of a saint, never seeks to dominate me (therefore I naturally submitted to him because I wanted to; he didn't demand it of me), is slow to anger, speaks well of others, arrives early for everything, works hard, and makes decisions carefully. I recognized all of these traits as those of a good and future, successful man, however little did I know that he already was. I didn't find out until 2 months before he proposed to me that he was a wealthy man, and he didn't find out that I was a virgin until then either, lol.

Since we've been married, I have never been so happy in my life. Also, just so you know, the "honeymoon phase" is a lie. It does not wear off if you're with the right person.

If you know what to look for, trust me, you will find the man of your dreams. And if you are everything that you desire in a man, he will find you, too. After all, birds of a feather flock together.

I hope this was helpful to you.
 
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Atlas Shrugged

Woodpecker
Woman
Protestant
I tried eharmony and was disappointed. Men did not read anything I had in there. I still have it but don’t pay so can’t see photos and beyond the first message. Examples of not reading are I chose very conservative and faith is important to me and I got liberals replying. I put prefer children to be grown cause I waited till my son was 18 to consider finding a spouse. No joke a man pushing 50 with 4 kids under the age of 5 contacted me. Really. At that point make it work with the mother. I expect these things with teens and 20 somethings. Not a man pushing 50 with babies. Messages were mostly pretty dress. Ok? It was 6 months of disappointment. Not sure if I want to try again. Maybe I need to start going out?
 

Elspeth

Sparrow
Woman
Protestant
If any of you would like my help, I can coach you when it comes to taking a good photo, replying to messages, or writing a bio. I've done it for all my girlfriends, and they all found success, too. Unfortunately, I'm unable to offer specific advice or feedback unless I can actually get an idea of what your photos look like or what is in your bio. Please private message me if you'd like to chat!
 

Lawrence87

Kingfisher
Orthodox
I think it's important to not take any match or interaction etc on dating sites seriously until you have met them in person a few times.

The fact is that it is easy to be callous to someone you never met. That's the whole problem with the internet in general. I think having people drop off your radar after seemingly positive interactions is par for the course in online dating. It's sad, but generally it's better to accept that possibility even in the most promising of interactions rather than getting excited and building an image of something happening with the person only to have them suddenly stop talking.

Try not to take it personally, I think it is just what happens in online dating. It's not because you have some defect or something, rather it pretty much happens to most people who use online dating, so just build it into your expectations. No amount of success stories will mitigate this, and no amount of people "ghosting" you will prevent you from meeting your future husband. You just have to take it for what it is if you ask me
 

Causanostraelaetitiae

Chicken
Woman
Catholic
About your suggestion to meet someone in person, Lawrence87, that is exactly the problem isn´t it? The man I am currently in contact with lives a state away, travelling there would take some planning. I´m also not sure when it even becomes appropiate to ask for an in person-meeting and what to suggest for it. You can´t just meet in person right away.
 

joost

Pelican
I think online dating is detrimental for both sexes. It gives the impression of abundance and it commoditized people. First you need to understand what men want.

A big problem with online dating is that men will text as many girls (he's physically attracted to) as possible. A good personality is a "bonus" (men think). That gives a false sense of value for the women. You end up thinking "why should I settle with this boring guy when this attractive rockstar is texting me?". You'll always end up thinking the next-best-thing might be just around the corner. The guys will go out with you just for sex and move on to the next girl after, wasting your time.

Realistically speaking, It's easy to measure the value of a woman (looks). For a man you have so many variables, that you won't be able to see them by looking at some pictures online.

My advice for women looking for a long-term relationship/husband online is to "date-down". And when I say down, it means actually the "same"; if you're average, go for an average guy. Look for a guy at least 10-20 years older depending of your age. If you're in your 20s, 10y. If you're in your 30s, 20y.
Don't look for a guy with an extravagant life. The guy with boat/sportscar/etc pictures (even if rental) might be hooking up with plenty of girls (until they realize he's a fake).

Go out in affordable dates (dining out in an affordable restaurant?) and offering to split the bill. Sitting for an hour you'll be able to finish the "interview".

That average guy (40yo, 5'9, that makes $60k/y) might be able to settle down with you and if he's living under his means (renting, paid-car, not dining out too often) might be able to travel with you or do activities that will make both lives enjoyable and meaningful. He shouldn't put you in a pedestal but he will be grateful to be with you if you're a pleasant woman and do the effort.


Do not try to "mold" the guy as the image of what you want but say what bother you as soon as possible. Things like "don't fart in front of me", "when we go for a social gathering where I don't know anybody, don't leave me alone", etc.
 

Kadikoy

 
Banned
Orthodox
Often I feel like I´m wasting my time.
You most likely are wasting your time. As a Christian woman, especially a Catholic, you should be seeking a husband within your local Christian community. There are too many pitfalls to online and long-distance dating. Any serious society would abolish it, make any dating sites illegal, despite there being a few (very few) 'success' stories.

The man I am currently in contact with lives a state away, travelling there would take some planning. I´m also not sure when it even becomes appropiate to ask for an in person-meeting and what to suggest for it. You can´t just meet in person right away.
Again, too many pitfalls. You're seeing that already, so step away from it. It's too much pressure, too much expectation, with too many real-world obstacles to the relationship being consummated in a healthy, normal way in which both parties (and their attendant communities) can feel safe and confident in moving things into marriage. Without face-to-face interaction from the beginning, you can hardly know the person.

And before some posters chime in, "OOO it worked for me and my spouse!" I will go ahead and state what should be the obvious: Exceptions do not make the rule. If you think you are an exception, by all means, go ahead with online dating. The humble man or woman says, "I am no exception, I am not exceptional."


Since we've been married, I have never been so happy in my life. Also, just so you know, the "honeymoon phase" is a lie. It does not wear off if you're with the right person.

If you know what to look for, trust me, you will find the man of your dreams. And if you are everything that you desire in a man, he will find you, too. After all, birds of a feather flock together.

Ignore this completely. This is modern romantic nonsense. I have no doubt she feels this way and that this comment is genuine and things have worked out well for her in her marriage. But it is NOT everyone's destiny nor does God want it to be everyone's experience in life.

What's terribly wrong with this comment is that she assumes that her experience is the norm or SHOULD be the norm. No, it's not, nor should it be. Nothing in the Bible says this, nothing in Christian tradition says this. In fact, the Bible and Christian tradition speak more often to the opposite of this. God told one of the prophets to marry a prostitute. God wanted that prophet to suffer in his marriage in order to sanctify him and show other people His power. You need to be ready to be one of those examples as well.

I'm sorry she's made this false assumption and I pray no one here walks away thinking they should apply this to their own lives. She is stating this AFTER the fact of having made some good choices and found someone good for her. She is sentimentalizing and universalizing her own circumstances, projecting her own specific experience upon the entire world, wanting it to be some kind of fairy tale truth for everyone. But it's not. Go read the Bible and look at all those marriages. Most were riddled with struggle. God allows that to save us. I will warn everyone here, especially the women here: do not listen to this or take this to heart. Remember, this is no different than what your average astrologist would tell you about your 'love life,' what any self-help book would tell (sell) you, what any Cosmopolitan or teenage girly magazine will tell you. It's 100% the same, which should make you flee from it in terror.

The Orthodox ceremony for the sacrament of marriage includes placing crowns on the heads of the groom and bride. Why? Because they are accepting the crowns of martyrdom. They are dying to themselves in order to bring eternal life to the other. This is a cross they are picking up and carrying. These things are painful. They MIGHT bring some good and deep feelings if done so out of Faith in the Lord, for purposes of salvation, but do not expect those, do not seek those out. God decides whether they will come or not and ofttimes they will not be present. 99% of marriages do not have an ever-present 'honeymoon' feel to them and even if a few do, that doesn't mean those people will be saved and go to heaven. They may, as the Lord states, have received their rewards here on this earth. That should make you shudder with fear as a God-fearing believer.

I'm not saying you will not nor cannot feel great things in a marriage, or in YOUR specific marriage, but do not allow such high expectations to grow in your head and heart because they are likely delusions and God may not have that in store for you. What you can expect is suffering and some rewards for accepting that suffering as your cross unto salvation.
 

Lawrence87

Kingfisher
Orthodox
About your suggestion to meet someone in person, Lawrence87, that is exactly the problem isn´t it? The man I am currently in contact with lives a state away, travelling there would take some planning. I´m also not sure when it even becomes appropiate to ask for an in person-meeting and what to suggest for it. You can´t just meet in person right away.
I'd be cautious in such a situation. Some men enjoy the validation of talking to someone, but when it gets real they freak out. That isn't to say this is the case, but you should always err on the side of caution.

I'd say in this instance the onus is probably on him to make the first steps to actually arranging something, but there's nothing wrong with dropping subtle hints that it would be nice to speak in person. If he doesn't make any arrangements, either he is too afraid to ask, which would be a red flag, or he doesn't really want to. Either way you're wasting your time.

My point wasn't necessarily that one has to meet right away but rather that, if you haven't met them yet, no matter how long or how much you have been in contact, there is always the possibility that you will never meet.
 

Elspeth

Sparrow
Woman
Protestant
You most likely are wasting your time. As a Christian woman, especially a Catholic, you should be seeking a husband within your local Christian community. There are too many pitfalls to online and long-distance dating. Any serious society would abolish it, make any dating sites illegal, despite there being a few (very few) 'success' stories.


Again, too many pitfalls. You're seeing that already, so step away from it. It's too much pressure, too much expectation, with too many real-world obstacles to the relationship being consummated in a healthy, normal way in which both parties (and their attendant communities) can feel safe and confident in moving things into marriage. Without face-to-face interaction from the beginning, you can hardly know the person.

And before some posters chime in, "OOO it worked for me and my spouse!" I will go ahead and state what should be the obvious: Exceptions do not make the rule. If you think you are an exception, by all means, go ahead with online dating. The humble man or woman says, "I am no exception, I am not exceptional."




Ignore this completely. This is modern romantic nonsense. I have no doubt she feels this way and that this comment is genuine and things have worked out well for her in her marriage. But it is NOT everyone's destiny nor does God want it to be everyone's experience in life.

What's terribly wrong with this comment is that she assumes that her experience is the norm or SHOULD be the norm. No, it's not, nor should it be. Nothing in the Bible says this, nothing in Christian tradition says this. In fact, the Bible and Christian tradition speak more often to the opposite of this. God told one of the prophets to marry a prostitute. God wanted that prophet to suffer in his marriage in order to sanctify him and show other people His power. You need to be ready to be one of those examples as well.

I'm sorry she's made this false assumption and I pray no one here walks away thinking they should apply this to their own lives. She is stating this AFTER the fact of having made some good choices and found someone good for her. She is sentimentalizing and universalizing her own circumstances, projecting her own specific experience upon the entire world, wanting it to be some kind of fairy tale truth for everyone. But it's not. Go read the Bible and look at all those marriages. Most were riddled with struggle. God allows that to save us. I will warn everyone here, especially the women here: do not listen to this or take this to heart. Remember, this is no different than what your average astrologist would tell you about your 'love life,' what any self-help book would tell (sell) you, what any Cosmopolitan or teenage girly magazine will tell you. It's 100% the same, which should make you flee from it in terror.

The Orthodox ceremony for the sacrament of marriage includes placing crowns on the heads of the groom and bride. Why? Because they are accepting the crowns of martyrdom. They are dying to themselves in order to bring eternal life to the other. This is a cross they are picking up and carrying. These things are painful. They MIGHT bring some good and deep feelings if done so out of Faith in the Lord, for purposes of salvation, but do not expect those, do not seek those out. God decides whether they will come or not and ofttimes they will not be present. 99% of marriages do not have an ever-present 'honeymoon' feel to them and even if a few do, that doesn't mean those people will be saved and go to heaven. They may, as the Lord states, have received their rewards here on this earth. That should make you shudder with fear as a God-fearing believer.

I'm not saying you will not nor cannot feel great things in a marriage, or in YOUR specific marriage, but do not allow such high expectations to grow in your head and heart because they are likely delusions and God may not have that in store for you. What you can expect is suffering and some rewards for accepting that suffering as your cross unto salvation.
The "honeymoon phase" isn't synonymous with never having fought or struggled, you know; it's simply the intensity of our love and passion towards one another. With all due respect, this seems to be an illustration of your own pain, and I can understand why you'd want to attach a "trigger warning" to my post.

I can't assume what you've experienced in your life, the obstacles you've overcome, or the intensity of your faith, but it's wrong to assume that just because God has blessed me and my husband with the material comforts of the world doesn't mean that our faith or our understanding of a Godly marriage is any less than yours. All you're looking at here is a snapshot of the restoration God has done in my life after a lifetime of enduring poverty, pain and suffering, and having to fend for myself as a child.

Honestly, it should be pretty obvious that all of our posts here are not "rules", but "exceptions", since they are all anecdotal evidence.
 
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Ah_Tibor

Pelican
Woman
Orthodox
I dunno, I married someone I met when I was a kid and it's worked out so far. I didn't like meeting strangers when I was single so I didn't do it (I had a Plenty of Fish profile for about two weeks).

There's my unhelpful comment of the day.
 

messaggera

Pelican
Woman
Other Christian
@Elspeth :

It is nice to hear you share that you and your husband have a Godly marriage; and you two are comfortable in these uncertain worldly times.
Hoping your chosen happiness continues as you progress through this life - as intended.

After all, birds of a feather flock together.

As for this forum it is a bit concerning when recent interactions through written context comes across as contentious.
@Kadikoy ’s response is an appropriate standard, and sets an example for Christian women visiting this forum.

  1. Why did you attack his character rather than the arguments he made on avoiding frustrations with online dating? He even generously gave you the benefit of the doubt in his response to your exceptional case.
  2. Why are you defending your passions of the flesh, and “material comforts of the world” with your husband, as part of your argument against @Kadikoy ’s virtuous judgement with online dating sites leading individuals astray?
Honestly, it should be pretty obvious that all of our posts here are not "rules", but "exceptions", since they are all anecdotal evidence.

Is anecdotal evidence not counterproductive when the intended proposition conflicts with Christian morals and/or beliefs?
Christians follow and offer examples of moral standards; which are seen as rules.

Please do not consider this personal or as contentious, but rather an effort to keep RVF a Christian forum that follows traditional Christian teachings. This is a Christian forum not a secular digital publication for women to be entertained and to be empowered with ego stroking by falsely claiming to [offer a truthful perspective].
 

PineTreeFarmer

Kingfisher
Woman
Protestant
It's been my experience that a lot of younger Christians don't go to church because they haven't quite gotten over feeling like it was overbearing and didactic in their youth. Some people never make it back.
I don't think judging a possible future based on anecdotal evidence is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you meet someone who is ready to grow in their relationship with Christ *with* you. It's easy enough to continue to read and honor the end you're seeking together every day.

Always waiting for perfect circumstances could yield zero results.
 

Elspeth

Sparrow
Woman
Protestant
Hey Messaggera,

I didn't attack his character, and neither did he attack mine. I didn't argue with any of his points when it comes to online dating because I prefer not to argue with someone about cultural differences (traditionalism vs modernism) or knock someone else's preference for other methods of dating outside of online. What I disagree with is the inference of "modern romantic nonsense" being "ungodly" advice -- and by association (at least in this forum) -- "good" or "helpful" advice, simply because it is modern.

From my experience of this forum thus far, it seems there's an expectation by many users that a "Christian forum" is only Christian if it's "traditional". This is a very broad word, and for some, could have a variety of different meanings (for instance, I often tell people that my personal ideals trend towards traditionalism, but I know that my definition for that may differ in how conservative or liberal it is depending upon the crowd I'm with). It's not uncommon for religion and culture to get mixed in with one another (we all are guilty of that, because after all, we're all human), but I think it's important to remember that when it comes to our interactions with one another. We all come from different backgrounds; the last thing I think anyone wants is to have their faith directly, or indirectly, questioned simply because of their culture.
 
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messaggera

Pelican
Woman
Other Christian
I didn't attack his character, and neither did he attack mine.

Perhaps I should have provided an operational definition. Clarification on the definition of character used online through written interaction would be "the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual." Our interactions are through written communication on this forum.

I agree he did not attack your character. And perhaps I was a little harsh to assume the following was an attack on character - rather than the argument being made by the individual:

With all due respect, this seems to be an illustration of your own pain, and I can understand why you'd want to attach a "trigger warning" to my post.

I can't assume what you've experienced in your life, the obstacles you've overcome, or the intensity of your faith, but it's wrong to assume that just because God has blessed me and my husband with the material comforts of the world doesn't mean that our faith or our understanding of a Godly marriage is any less than yours.

I apologize for suggesting you attacked his character, as I misunderstand your written communication.

From my experience of this forum thus far, it seems there's an expectation by many users that a "Christian forum" is only Christian if it's "traditional".

This is an Orthodox forum and the expectation is to practice traditional Christian teachings. Perhaps you did not realise RVF is now an explicitly Christian forum that follows traditional Christian teachings? Again my apologies if you did not know the forum's manner.


I don't think judging a possible future based on anecdotal evidence is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you meet someone who is ready to grow in their relationship with Christ *with* you.

I agree.
Anecdotal evidence is best when used to present traditional Christian morals and/or beliefs as a solution to the forum members.

May Christ be with you @Elspeth and @PineTreeFarmer .
 
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