How to best respond to someone standing you up?

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Generally I just ignore them and just bring something with me to do in case I get stood up. But, it’s weird when you have a good texting convo for a few days and they agree to a date and then just don’t show. How have you guys handled it?
 

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Could you elaborate a bit? Like a case with some more context, what you experienced and what you did?
Approached her as she was working at Starbucks and had a 10 min convo and seemed to make a connection with her after she got my drink. Got her number and we had some back and forth prior to what is detailed below. Then we had a back and forth text after she didn’t come out with us one night the prior week and I made plans with her a couple days later. Flirty convo back and forth detailed below with supposed planned date:

Critique me, please.
 

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JGB

Pigeon
Orthodox
So she stood you up twice? Time to move on, she's probably only texting because she gets bored.

Maybe try again in a few months if you still think its worth pursuing.
 

Viktor Zeegelaar

Crow
Orthodox Inquirer
Alright so the ''stood up'' here is that she didn't show up right? Well with regard to your texts, that isn't bad at all. With girls, they're erratic creatures so they change their minds all the time. They're bombarded with insta, social media, date offers all the time also. So an average girl nowadays is talking with probably 5 to 10 guys at least at the same time as you. Maybe she forgot it, maybe there was another option that was better, maybe she didn't feel like it, maybe her dog was sick, maybe she had a test that took her attention. It's difficult because it's an attention game and there are 1000 things grappling for a woman's attention.

So don't take it personally, sadly you need a bigger pool of prospects to be fair nowadays, but then it seems that one would go more down a regular dating path and the question is: how fruitful will that be? Will the random girl from Starbucks bear fruit in a relationship over time? Or would she most likely be a secular girl, steep in delusion, short term mindedness etc? That's a tough spot for us guys to be in if you're willing to really build something long term, then you have to narrow down your scope to what you're dealing with. What could help for you is to write out what you're actually looking for in a woman: what does she look like, what are her characteristics, what's she about, what behavior do you expect, how is your relationship gonna be, what will you do in your relationship. And also: what is unacceptable behavior, what will you not accept of her, what is your relationship certainly not gonna be like. And lastly: what value do you offer to her, how would you benefit your life, paint the picture of what you'll offer her to get to that woman who offers to you what you want to have. Life is a value exchange overall, plain, simply and realistically. The best way to get in life is to deserve it, as the quote goes, but I'd add also to know what that is what you want in the other person and don't compromise on important matters. Paint that picture vividly so you have something to aim for. Not doing so gives the risk that you're gonna be shooting aimlessly all around you, hitting no target at all. That's certainly something I did back in the days, but if you just shoot randomly you'll very likely won't get a lasting result.

Now lastly if she did flake on you, that's obviously unacceptable, don't feel angry about it but if you'd have contact just tell her that that's not behavior you expect in a woman you take seriously and that's that. If you draw that line she even might come back to you later, but it's questionable given the above whether you'd even want to go that route. But please don't fall into the trap to give her a second chance in this, she won't respect you and respect always equals love. Hopefully this is a bit helpful.
 

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Alright so the ''stood up'' here is that she didn't show up right? Well with regard to your texts, that isn't bad at all. With girls, they're erratic creatures so they change their minds all the time. They're bombarded with insta, social media, date offers all the time also. So an average girl nowadays is talking with probably 5 to 10 guys at least at the same time as you. Maybe she forgot it, maybe there was another option that was better, maybe she didn't feel like it, maybe her dog was sick, maybe she had a test that took her attention. It's difficult because it's an attention game and there are 1000 things grappling for a woman's attention.

So don't take it personally, sadly you need a bigger pool of prospects to be fair nowadays, but then it seems that one would go more down a regular dating path and the question is: how fruitful will that be? Will the random girl from Starbucks bear fruit in a relationship over time? Or would she most likely be a secular girl, steep in delusion, short term mindedness etc? That's a tough spot for us guys to be in if you're willing to really build something long term, then you have to narrow down your scope to what you're dealing with. What could help for you is to write out what you're actually looking for in a woman: what does she look like, what are her characteristics, what's she about, what behavior do you expect, how is your relationship gonna be, what will you do in your relationship. And also: what is unacceptable behavior, what will you not accept of her, what is your relationship certainly not gonna be like. And lastly: what value do you offer to her, how would you benefit your life, paint the picture of what you'll offer her to get to that woman who offers to you what you want to have. Life is a value exchange overall, plain, simply and realistically. The best way to get in life is to deserve it, as the quote goes, but I'd add also to know what that is what you want in the other person and don't compromise on important matters. Paint that picture vividly so you have something to aim for. Not doing so gives the risk that you're gonna be shooting aimlessly all around you, hitting no target at all. That's certainly something I did back in the days, but if you just shoot randomly you'll very likely won't get a lasting result.

Now lastly if she did flake on you, that's obviously unacceptable, don't feel angry about it but if you'd have contact just tell her that that's not behavior you expect in a woman you take seriously and that's that. If you draw that line she even might come back to you later, but it's questionable given the above whether you'd even want to go that route. But please don't fall into the trap to give her a second chance in this, she won't respect you and respect always equals love. Hopefully this is a bit helpful.
Very helpful. Thanks for the critique and advice. I’ll think through these and journal some on it to get some principles set so I can lead better. God be with you brother.
 

Blade Runner

Hummingbird
Orthodox
Good back and forth but I see that she didn't really confirm that you were meeting at place X time Y, definitively. She would probably use this same excuse. If she didn't even try to rectify the situation, and you've gone through that twice, she's just not really "interested" (whatever that means to whomever, it's the case), a time waster, or both. I wouldn't send any more messages under any circumstance.
 

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Good back and forth but I see that she didn't really confirm that you were meeting at place X time Y, definitively. She would probably use this same excuse. If she didn't even try to rectify the situation, and you've gone through that twice, she's just not really "interested" (whatever that means to whomever, it's the case), a time waster, or both. I wouldn't send any more messages under any circumstance.
Thanks. That may be true. But, a time waster she is. Better to focus on other things instead of her and people who have reciprocity. Appreciate the advice.
 

CaliforniaBased

Woodpecker
Catholic
Always text to confirm your still meeting up before heading out. Young people nowadays are very flakey (myself included). Always have a lot going on so you have something to do otherwise. You messed up at your second to the last message. Thats where you needed to text her "still down to meetup", or just give her like 15 minutes to respond and if she did not get back to you go do something else. You messed up at that point and thats why you got stuck feeling bad she did not meet up.
 

Viktor Zeegelaar

Crow
Orthodox Inquirer
Very helpful. Thanks for the critique and advice. I’ll think through these and journal some on it to get some principles set so I can lead better. God be with you brother.
Good. Doing so will make you from thinking about ''is it right what I'm texting'' to ''I'm screening the woman for XYZ, if she doesn't have that then it's goodbye and all the best''. Try to get to a place of being. If you are that guy who knows what he's looking for, has his values set etc, that'll ooze through all you're doing. It doesn't matter then what you say, as you'll be on your mission. Fun fact is that a woman doesn't even listen to what you say. Guys are rational so we get caught up in the lowest level of it all ''what am I saying''. It doesn't matter at all. It's not what you say, but how you say it. It's about who you are as a man. If you set that frame and you're the man on YOUR mission, not cowering to HER, then you'll absorb women without doing anything, you'll be tripping over them. You have to be her titan, her hero, she has to look up to you for it all to work (hierarchy God - Man - Woman - Children). Personally I'm figuring the above stuff out myself, but I'd say that will give you a core foundation to screen for what you want in life, what to do, and also important, what to say no to with your time and energy. You need to nuke 99% of options in any regard and create your niche. This would go as far as what kind of drinks you like, what kind of sofa you like to sit on, to bigger questions about who to follow in your quest of knowledge, wisdom and information, to what kind of tribe and friends you want, and the above stuff with women. That'll create the clarity we all need in any realm of our endeavour and lives. Now it will probably also become clearer over time as your wisdom, knowledge and understanding about the world is growing actively (trial/error) and passively (gaining wisdom from sources you follow, people you follow etc) but you've got to start somewhere.
 

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Good. Doing so will make you from thinking about ''is it right what I'm texting'' to ''I'm screening the woman for XYZ, if she doesn't have that then it's goodbye and all the best''. Try to get to a place of being. If you are that guy who knows what he's looking for, has his values set etc, that'll ooze through all you're doing. It doesn't matter then what you say, as you'll be on your mission. Fun fact is that a woman doesn't even listen to what you say. Guys are rational so we get caught up in the lowest level of it all ''what am I saying''. It doesn't matter at all. It's not what you say, but how you say it. It's about who you are as a man. If you set that frame and you're the man on YOUR mission, not cowering to HER, then you'll absorb women without doing anything, you'll be tripping over them. You have to be her titan, her hero, she has to look up to you for it all to work (hierarchy God - Man - Woman - Children). Personally I'm figuring the above stuff out myself, but I'd say that will give you a core foundation to screen for what you want in life, what to do, and also important, what to say no to with your time and energy. You need to nuke 99% of options in any regard and create your niche. This would go as far as what kind of drinks you like, what kind of sofa you like to sit on, to bigger questions about who to follow in your quest of knowledge, wisdom and information, to what kind of tribe and friends you want, and the above stuff with women. That'll create the clarity we all need in any realm of our endeavour and lives. Now it will probably also become clearer over time as your wisdom, knowledge and understanding about the world is growing actively (trial/error) and passively (gaining wisdom from sources you follow, people you follow etc) but you've got to start somewhere.
Agreed. This is what I’m trying to learn right now too. It’ll all work out in accordance to God’s Providence. Only thing I can control is my effort and all of what you detail above. Outcome is in God’s hands.
 

SingularityOne

Woodpecker
Orthodox
Always text to confirm your still meeting up before heading out. Young people nowadays are very flakey (myself included). Always have a lot going on so you have something to do otherwise. You messed up at your second to the last message. Thats where you needed to text her "still down to meetup", or just give her like 15 minutes to respond and if she did not get back to you go do something else. You messed up at that point and thats why you got stuck feeling bad she did not meet up.
Agreed. Will learn from the mistake for the next time.
 

BasilSeal

Kingfisher
Catholic
Gold Member
Call after a few texts? Less chance for ambiguity about her interest and meeting up. Anyway, don't beat yourself up. I wouldn't read much into it.
 
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scarfaceantonio

Robin
Other Christian
I had a similiar "flake" years ago, when I was in the game. I met her, spend some nice time with her on an instant date and we also had a phone call in the meantime. I was arranging a second meeting / date... and the situation was very similiar. Time and place was set up, but she didn't answer with a clear yes nor no. When she didn't appear I became angry and confronted her in a rather strict way. The reason was that I dont want to let people go away with all kind of disrespect- thats like giving a green pass to do whatever you want. Also I see some kind of responsibility towards other guys, who will have a harder time to deal with "spoiled" girls.
She answered surprisingly in a defensive manner and wrote me she didn't even agree to come and also had a headache all day....

Years later I would still rather "confront" the girl in such a situation, but not make a too big deal about it. Hate shouldnt be involved. Its enough that she recognizes that it was quite inapprotiate to just be quite and flake. It could be also a shit test... and she will excuse suddenly. But some girls will surely "leash out" when confronted, with vengeance.

I had many "usual flakes" , where the connection just "faded out"... in these cases i stayed passive and interpreted it as if she isnt interested.

Just my 2 cents and experiences...
 

CaliforniaBased

Woodpecker
Catholic
Agreed. Will learn from the mistake for the next time.
I often find the day of the date it becomes a game of seeing who will crack first and send the "we still meeting up text" I would prefer the girl text that one first, but if its time to know whats up I send it out. If she doesnt respond in a certain time frame - I will do something else. Young people are flakey i tell you. My older freinds often want to meet up but they get a little annoyed when I change plans suddenly.
 

CaliforniaBased

Woodpecker
Catholic
I had a similiar "flake" years ago, when I was in the game. I met her, spend some nice time with her on an instant date and we also had a phone call in the meantime. I was arranging a second meeting / date... and the situation was very similiar. Time and place was set up, but she didn't answer with a clear yes nor no. When she didn't appear I became angry and confronted her in a rather strict way. The reason was that I dont want to let people go away with all kind of disrespect- thats like giving a green pass to do whatever you want. Also I see some kind of responsibility towards other guys, who will have a harder time to deal with "spoiled" girls.
She answered surprisingly in a defensive manner and wrote me she didn't even agree to come and also had a headache all day....

Years later I would still rather "confront" the girl in such a situation, but not make a too big deal about it. Hate shouldnt be involved. Its enough that she recognizes that it was quite inapprotiate to just be quite and flake. It could be also a shit test... and she will excuse suddenly. But some girls will surely "leash out" when confronted, with vengeance.

I had many "usual flakes" , where the connection just "faded out"... in these cases i stayed passive and interpreted it as if she isnt interested.

Just my 2 cents and experiences...
DO NOT confront. That will make you come across badly. If this is within a small group of people that knows each other it will particularily make you look bad that you got hurt by some girl cancelling the date. The word will get out and people will make fun of you. It is up to you to send the "we still meeting up text" before heading out. If she flakes after saying she is on her way to meet up THEN you can be upset. If you let girls anger you, thats when you loose. Be calm and firm when you must, but do not let them get you upset.
 
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