How to handle struggles in marriage?

[TexasJenn]

How do you cope with struggles in marriage? I've been married almost a year and we still have our struggles. We're both trying to be better, more loving, Godly people. We have many beautiful times together, too. We both realize we fall far short.

I love and adore him so much, but sometimes meeting in the middle is hard. We're both pretty emotional, stubborn, and passionate people. I've been making a great effort to remain calm in stormy times and have gotten better at that.

Do you have any general wisdom on building a good marriage?

 

[renotime]

Man must submit to God and woman must submit to man.

 

[Thomas More]

I would say to avoid airing your problems in public, as a first rule. It's obviously a difficult situation, speaking as one who considered his marriage to be very difficult.

I feel I should have done far better in accepting the burdens of my marriage, and should have accepted them out of devotion to God. There was a point where I looked at my Mom and Dad's situation, and felt I did not want to end up the way my Dad did with my Mom, and so I struck out, and went against what God would have had me to do in regards to my wife.

When my Dad died a year ago, and a very large number of people came out to praise him for his lifelong faithfulness to God, I was convicted, and I realized I should have endured my own situation out of devotion to God , the way my Dad did. I regret that I didn't, but I have resolved to be faithful to God going forward.

I always felt so strongly that I wasn't treated right, and in fact, I think objectively I wasn't. However, it doesn't matter how she treated me. It's much clearer to me now how I failed to treat my wife right, going all the way back. I thought I was doing my best, but I can see now how I fell way short. I can see that she thought she was doing her best too, however bitter I am about a lot of it now.

My recommendation is to do your very best for your husband out of devotion to God, and to examine your soul and notice the issues in your own behavior now, the ones that will be so much easier to see looking back 20 years from now.

Also, as Roosh would say, talk to your priest!

 

[Ah_Tibor]

Not really, this just made me think of that LOL. The first year kind of stinks, though.

 

[Starlight]

It’s hard… You are not TexasJenn anymore. You are Mrs. soli.deo.gloria. You’re experiencing growing pains (and your husband is probably too!). You are not an “individual” anymore and have to completely shift your personality, and your husband does too! It takes a while to figure out the balance of a marriage and kind of find a “groove” where you’re both coasting instead of hitting bumps and potholes. It does take time. It is absolutely not unusual to have struggles in the first year of marriage.

My wisdom: take a moment, cry about it, and then get yourself together and move on with the day.

 

[Viktor Zeegelaar]

Man must submit to God and woman must submit to man.

This is true, but the man must deserve it too. If the man in question is emotional, he's not keeping masculine, rational, stoic frame in times where it matters. If that's the case, it's normal for the woman to start poking him to see how he reacts, for if he can't even be the solid rock in regards to her pokes, how will he be able to withstand a true major disruption in your life, such as a war, a famine, severe illness, family members dying. I was just listening to this lecture from fr Zacharias today (Relationships: Human Relationships in the Light of Christ & Patristic Principles of Parenting found here: https://patristicnectar.org/store_lectures). Core message of him was that the only competition in a relationship is the competition of humility: meaning the competition of how much you can do to serve the other. Really made me think: if both the man and the woman take their traditional role, and instead of competing for their own personal gains (what an I take, what do I want), if both focus only on the question how can I serve my man (by doing the feminine things, and doing the masculine things to apt degree), then you would have a completely harmonious relationship. But in order to do this, both first got to check themselves in order to see if their own femininity/masculinity is on point. If there's still bad habits and thought patterns from possible former secular days/societal/cultural influences lingering on, these are first to be identified and tackled before really being able to have a harmonious relationship, for all the information you've probably been fed for decades has been designed and crafted for you to have a disharmonious relationship with constant strife and conflict, with the intend of leading to divorce and absorbing the children into the culture to destroy them, as the culture is the only thing that fills up the void now when families break apart (which they do more than 50% of the time).

 

[IconWriter]

Awh, you are stil newly-weds and getting to know each other and married life. Speaking from very, very long experience I'd say:
Remember that marriage is a little martyrdom.
Realize that there will always be struggles, short and long-term ones.
Never go to bed angry. Forgive always.
Confess frequently (weekly!).
and, yes, when both of you are "stuck" with a problem, talk to your priest.

 

[fortyfive]

People struggle because they think, that things or people around them are not good enough as they are and they need to be fixed or changed.
And they go and waste a colossal amount of energy by trying to change things that cannot be changed.

I was the same until I discovered that I can't control almost anything except myself. And even that is a big success if I manage to have a little control over myself in most cases.

Instead, I realized that being content is a matter of view. I live a life that could be considered by some as pretty good or entirely insufficient by others in order to be happy.
But it doesn't matter how others view my life. I'm the one who needs to decide how to view the things and people around me.

And I decided to regard them as satisfactory enough. I'm satisfied with things as they are. I'm grateful to God for people and things around me as they are, even when others may subjectively consider them as not good enough. But I determined they are good enough.
And it doesn't mean that I'm passive and fatalistic, void of any expectations or desires relating to the future.

Quite contrary. God has blessed me with many things already, and I hope for more in the future. And I'm sure He will bless me if I do my part.

But in the meantime, I will enjoy a million good things God provided for us on this earth, like sunshine, watching clouds driven by wind or night sky, or having a good meal with my family.
My part is to be grateful and humble, not to complain when people or things are different than I wished.

Acceptance of people as they are is not approval of their actions. But it is a key element needed if we want to avoid living in constant struggle, being judgmental, and being unforgivable.


We all are deeply flawed. Accept it and instead of focusing on flaws, appreciate having close people and enjoy their good traits.

When you start dwelling on good things in mind, your feelings will follow, and you will start to feel fine too. And because it is your mind, then you can think what you want. Bible encourages us, to think only about these things: whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

 

[Laner]

We don't cope. We get over them. You have to learn, because when you have children you are going to need the energy. Kids are going to pick up on things that you would never have thought possible, and the heaviness that is your and his relationship hangs in the air, then that will have a profound effect on your kids.

The first 5 years of marriage are hard. Bringing two lives together is not easy, especially if you get married later in life. In my case, we were 30. It took a full 5 years (and children!) for me to understand the union of marriage properly. I figured since my family was surrounded by lifetime marriages that it would be the case for us as well. That is not true, as all around our lives are marriages that fall apart all the time and many (most?) are for very trivial reasons.

IconWriter mentions some little tidbits there, and those simple ones are the most effective. Going to bed angry is one that will grant you many more years of happiness - or save you many years of unhappiness.

 

[IconWriter]

One more thing comes to mind that I'd like to share, expanding on the idea of "talk to your priest". Be loyal. Don't drag your friends and family into your arguments. If you "unload" or "rant", complaing about the things that bother you about your spouse, eventually they will have negative feelings toward him/her. You and your spouse will forgive each other in time, but your friends and family will remember your complaints. Someone also once told me: "Tell it to the angels".

 

[Ah_Tibor]

I've thought/said stuff about COMMUNICATION before, but when you're angry or fighting, trying to "communicate" or fit something into a framework isn't helpful and often detrimental.

A lot of communication is non-verbal. Most of marriage is non-verbal. And it's okay to fight--assuming you're not taking shots at each other or bringing each other down. The beauty of marriage is that you'll be there for each other the next day.

Yesterday my husband came back from an errand and handed me a bag from a Polish market with dried mushrooms, and chocolate hazelnuts. I tend to ruminate when I'm upset. Not that it's everything, but sometimes small gestures soften the heart.

 

[PineTreeFarmer]

How do you cope with struggles in marriage? I've been married almost a year and we still have our struggles. We're both trying to be better, more loving, Godly people. We have many beautiful times together, too. We both realize we fall far short.

I love and adore him so much, but sometimes meeting in the middle is hard. We're both pretty emotional, stubborn, and passionate people. I've been making a great effort to remain calm in stormy times and have gotten better at that.

Do you have any general wisdom on building a good marriage?

Never go to bed angry is a good one. And be slow to anger. I typed it before I read IconWriter's post. <3

My parents had a list of ten rules for a happy marriage in their shared bed and bath when I was a kid. I'm gonna look for it!

 

[soli.deo.gloria]

Thank you to everyone for the warmth and love and some very good advice. We celebrated our one year wedding anniversary yesterday. Also thanks to @Roosh for everything he has done to promote Orthodox Christianity, without which I never would have found my wife. And above all thanks to God, who made all of this possible, who strengthens us and helps us when we fall. Glory to Him for all things!

 

[Ah_Tibor]

I like that line in 1984: we don't want to be loved as much as understood.