I don't know if I want to get married and having kids

I recently turned 29 years old.

6 months ago I started going out with a friend of mine(current partner), and for the first time in my life I'm considering the option of getting married and having kids, but I don't know if I'm made for that or later I will regret it.

She's a good girl sweetheart

She's has Catolic faith and comes from a big conservative family. She's the same age as me, and wants to get marriend and having her first kid before she turns 35 y/o.

There are some considerations to have in mind:

-We started being friends almost one year ago, so lust wasn't the main bond. We met each from time to time for working out, to speak..

-Before, I was a player so I don't want nor feel having the same lifestyle as before regarding with women. It doesn't make sense anymore.

- She recognised to me that she had a "crazy months" years ago, were she slept with many guys, to realise that she was feeling empty,miserable..and after that she "found God" again and didn't what to do that anymore because it doesn't lead anywhere.(before she was in a 12 years relationship).

¿What do I fear the most?

In my case I fear the scenario of realising that I'm not made for a monogamous relationship and all that involves...regarding routine,kids..etc. I don't have successful family role models concerning to "marriage", all I see is my parents spitting to each others their shit and didn't get divorce because of "what others will say"..and also statistics..7 out of 10 couples get divorced..


She has very successful role models in her family..because also, her parents are teachers of premarital in the church of their hometown. She always focuses on the positive, but inside of me I was programmed with "the fable of the frog and the scorpion"..concerning the saying "never trust women nature".

Definitely, I feel lost inside me and I want to deep in inside of me..having the right questions to get the right answers..


PostCript: I'm from Spain, in case that "sociological" data may be relevant for someone

Let me know which advice would you give to me

Greetings!
 
You basically have 3 options, all of which are going to require sacrifice.

You could break up and become a single bachelor which offers limitless freedom and low stress, however, it would be lonely for you unless you're a kind of Nikola Tesla who is obsessed with work and sees no need for women. You might regret never having deeply poured life into anyone but yourself at old age though, uncomfortable with this selfish route.

You could stay with this woman and take the benefits, while planning to cut it off eventually. This would be the most morally bankrupt decision, as she wants kids and doesn't have the time left to play games and find another man. You would be depriving her of her natural urges for motherhood which wouldn't deepen your relationship by any means. You sacrifice your peace of mind with this option.

Lastly, you could do what most everyone has done since modern civilization and settle down with one woman and start a family. You sacrifice freedom, privacy, and money. But you gain the immensity of joy that comes along with raising children and serving others. You also gain the rewards of having someone to look after you in your old age and playing with grand kids instead of rotting away alone in a nursing home awaiting your unnoticed death.

I personally know someone who is now 60 ish and never had kids (his wife agreed with the decision). He now regrets this because all his guns, land, knowledge, and success mean nothing at death's door. Only how well you loved people really matters in the end. Conservative Catholic women are hard to come by, she sounds like her head is on straight. I would pull the trigger and start the married life which is undoubtedly the option that would lend itself to the greatest amount of personal growth.
 
I dont share your faith but I have noticed some things from my own life and those of others that have helped me learn if being a father is the right step. The first as it seems you have alluded to is the relationship. Before you get married I would talk with your future wife about what the marriage is going to look like? How do you want to raise kids? Where do you want to live in the future? Who is going to "wear the pants in the relationship"? Whats going to happen after the kids come? Is she going to stay home or continue working? What morals/ethics/aspects of the religion do you feel are the most important? How will you resolve conflicts? Alot of times people date for years and never have these very serious conversations. They make the mistake of assuming their spouse has the same mindset of ideas just because they are the same religion or race or nationality. Then they find out the hard way when hardship comes (which it will eventually) that they have very different ideas on some important topics. After these types of things are discussed and understood then you have all the information you need moving forward. If you dont know the answers to these questions or she doesn't at least have an idea of where she stands (good women can be guided towards the right path because there obedient) then I would stop pursuing marriage with this women. Have the divorce talk (its not being pessimistic to talk about the possibility of you and her being unfaithful,). If things go south and kids are involved how will you proceed as a couple? Despite the problems me and my wife have faced the reason we have stayed together for the last 9 years is because we went into the marriage with a clear idea of what we wanted for ourselves and our family. Thus when a problem arises even if we are not right next to each other we already know how the other will feel and what they want. If you continue along the marriage path you will have to take a look at your social circle. Are there any guys who will be problematic or she has a history with, if so they should be completely out of the picture (if shes not willing to let go of certain guy friends then thats a huge red flag). Are there any women that need to be out of the picture(Do you or her have female friends that you know may cause problems down the line?)?

After you both do a lot of soul searching and discussion around these serious topics then you can possibly move forward with the understanding that the game is rigged against both of you. It doesn't mean you quit and dont play the game, not if you know yourself and know that this is something you seriously want do do. It means you take precaution and try your best like every successful family has done before us. If it works out great if not well..youve learned another life lesson.
 

AlwaysMe

Pigeon
There is no food without shit; there is no sex without kids. To me they are a burden, an expense, a source of stress and aggravation and my life's greatest joy. Marry this woman, stand with her and have children. As many as you can physically bear. You will never regret it. You will never look into the eyes of your own flesh and blood and say, "well, this was a huge mistake. I could've bought a mercedes." Dont be a pussy. Do it.
 

MiroKlose

Pigeon
I would say not to consider marriage unless you start seeing the world as below

1. You realise things like love, ideologies, ideas, sex (being a player), spiritualism, materialism, happiness, sadness, heat, cold, sweet, bitter etc. are second to life. The force of Life is the most important thing. Everything else doesn't exist if there is no life. - which means on a grander scale evolutionary success is above all

2. In order to achieve evolutionary success, you need to produce offsprings - preferably in a monogamous way, as it decreases the risk of diseases in your offsprings

3. In order to achieve evolutionary success, you need to raise your offsprings effectively - only possible in a monogamous relationship as resources, love, money, emotions are focused on only one set of offsprings

4. While it is possible for jaded men (player men aka damaged souls) to run life normally purely through philosophy and logic rather than as a force of nature/god, it is impossible for damaged women to run their life normally once they have sold their souls
 
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DanielH

Robin
Are you Catholic? I'm Orthodox, but if I didn't have my fiancee and was a couple years older I'd become a monk. That's a hard life too, as hard as marriage or harder, but it keeps you from being lonely, fills you with purpose, and I personally love going to church and being close with God. We could always use another person praying for the world.
 

kel

Pelican
For whatever it's worth, your dilemma is shared by many, many young (and not so young) men. I'd go so far as to say the vast majority of men, even, who were good at game in the time of hookup culture and lived that kind of lifestyle in consumerist globalist hellholes (like me). It's a very hard thing to come back from, because you've seen how the sausage gets made.
 
For whatever it's worth, your dilemma is shared by many, many young (and not so young) men. I'd go so far as to say the vast majority of men, even, who were good at game in the time of hookup culture and lived that kind of lifestyle in consumerist globalist hellholes (like me). It's a very hard thing to come back from, because you've seen how the sausage gets made.
exactly, I lived the player lifestyle, with huge abundance of quantity and quality of pusy..I've seen the best and the worst of women..that's why I can say that I have kind of cognitive dissonance concerning this topic.

what would you advice? did something symilar happened to you?
 
Are you Catholic? I'm Orthodox, but if I didn't have my fiancee and was a couple years older I'd become a monk. That's a hard life too, as hard as marriage or harder, but it keeps you from being lonely, fills you with purpose, and I personally love going to church and being close with God. We could always use another person praying for the world.
I',m not catholic, my belief system is a mix between buddhism, christianism..(would say I'm agnostic). I respect all point of views and belief systems as soon as they're "elevated" concerning yo conscioussness.

I don't know if you understand spanish or not, but the way I see things, is the study of religions, and trying to understand the "essence", I have faith in God, the creator. The more I learn the different religions, the more I see the common similarities:


Having kids for not being alone? that's no guarantee at all

 
I recently turned 29 years old.

6 months ago I started going out with a friend of mine(current partner), and for the first time in my life I'm considering the option of getting married and having kids, but I don't know if I'm made for that or later I will regret it.

She's a good girl sweetheart

She's has Catolic faith and comes from a big conservative family. She's the same age as me, and wants to get marriend and having her first kid before she turns 35 y/o.

There are some considerations to have in mind:

-We started being friends almost one year ago, so lust wasn't the main bond. We met each from time to time for working out, to speak..

-Before, I was a player so I don't want nor feel having the same lifestyle as before regarding with women. It doesn't make sense anymore.

- She recognised to me that she had a "crazy months" years ago, were she slept with many guys, to realise that she was feeling empty,miserable..and after that she "found God" again and didn't what to do that anymore because it doesn't lead anywhere.(before she was in a 12 years relationship).

¿What do I fear the most?

In my case I fear the scenario of realising that I'm not made for a monogamous relationship and all that involves...regarding routine,kids..etc. I don't have successful family role models concerning to "marriage", all I see is my parents spitting to each others their shit and didn't get divorce because of "what others will say"..and also statistics..7 out of 10 couples get divorced..


She has very successful role models in her family..because also, her parents are teachers of premarital in the church of their hometown. She always focuses on the positive, but inside of me I was programmed with "the fable of the frog and the scorpion"..concerning the saying "never trust women nature".

Definitely, I feel lost inside me and I want to deep in inside of me..having the right questions to get the right answers..


PostCript: I'm from Spain, in case that "sociological" data may be relevant for someone

Let me know which advice would you give to me

Greetings!
You have a duty to God do one of the following:
(1) get married and attempt to have children; or
(2) take a vow and serve God as a celibate member of the clergy.

(Yes, Orthodox guys, I know in the Orthodox churches you can often do both).

So pray and discern which is your calling. It isn't easy, and may take years, but strive to one or the other. God commands it of you. Matthew 19.
 

kel

Pelican
Having kids for not being alone? that's no guarantee at all
No guarantee, no, but not having kids certainly guarantees they won't be there when you're older.

I find that whole framing vulgar, though. The point is not an investment that you'll "cash in" on later in life. The point is you've contributed to the great wonder of life - you built a family and a community around that family and done your part to be an honorable person and cultivate a culture of honor in that family adn community.

While there are no guarantees in life, someone who does the above (as best as a flawed human can) is likely to feel a lot more contentment and purpose in life, they will have built an intimate community around themselves (family and more) with deep connections, and therefore the "not being alone in my old age" just kinda happens as a side effect.
 

Radoste

Pigeon
the way I see things, is the study of religions, and trying to understand the "essence", I have faith in God, the creator. The more I learn the different religions, the more I see the common similarities:
Don't fall for that Joseph Campbell-tier comparative religion crap. Yes, humans have spiritual needs. Every culture and civilization will have some way to address this need and for that reason there will always be some fundamental similarity between religions. But there's a reason why Christianity in particular was the sacred center of Western civilization.
Just because there are some things other religions get right does not mean they are not ultimately wrong.
 
I dont share your faith but I have noticed some things from my own life and those of others that have helped me learn if being a father is the right step. The first as it seems you have alluded to is the relationship. Before you get married I would talk with your future wife about what the marriage is going to look like? How do you want to raise kids? Where do you want to live in the future? Who is going to "wear the pants in the relationship"? Whats going to happen after the kids come? Is she going to stay home or continue working? What morals/ethics/aspects of the religion do you feel are the most important? How will you resolve conflicts? Alot of times people date for years and never have these very serious conversations. They make the mistake of assuming their spouse has the same mindset of ideas just because they are the same religion or race or nationality. Then they find out the hard way when hardship comes (which it will eventually) that they have very different ideas on some important topics. After these types of things are discussed and understood then you have all the information you need moving forward. If you dont know the answers to these questions or she doesn't at least have an idea of where she stands (good women can be guided towards the right path because there obedient) then I would stop pursuing marriage with this women. Have the divorce talk (its not being pessimistic to talk about the possibility of you and her being unfaithful,). If things go south and kids are involved how will you proceed as a couple? Despite the problems me and my wife have faced the reason we have stayed together for the last 9 years is because we went into the marriage with a clear idea of what we wanted for ourselves and our family. Thus when a problem arises even if we are not right next to each other we already know how the other will feel and what they want. If you continue along the marriage path you will have to take a look at your social circle. Are there any guys who will be problematic or she has a history with, if so they should be completely out of the picture (if shes not willing to let go of certain guy friends then thats a huge red flag). Are there any women that need to be out of the picture(Do you or her have female friends that you know may cause problems down the line?)?

After you both do a lot of soul searching and discussion around these serious topics then you can possibly move forward with the understanding that the game is rigged against both of you. It doesn't mean you quit and dont play the game, not if you know yourself and know that this is something you seriously want do do. It means you take precaution and try your best like every successful family has done before us. If it works out great if not well..youve learned another life lesson.
this is a very critical point that many people feel offended or feel entitled to do what they want..Imagine that she has "male friends" just for the sake of having them..I've seen that many times in my pick up era!haha that's why I clearly see all that bullshit and get kind of paranoid with this marriage topic...having seen so many things upon these days..

Some girls have "male friends" as a "back up plan"...

Concerning the "female friends"...nowadays lot of girls feel easily offended if their husband don't like the idea of going out with their single female friends to the club...because now times are not the same as before....so those situations kinda gets me confused..(I often see that in marriages..).

the thing is that man have to be strong with those situations, because some female friends can start the game of manipulation saying things like..."your husband is toxic" "jealous man", "doesn't allow you to be yourself"...so I think there must be a "game" or "response" to deal with those possible situations..

I mean, people change over time, that's out of our control isnt'it?

I see with my girlfriend that almost all of her female friends are kind of good girls, so green flag concerning to that
 
I would say not to consider marriage unless you start seeing the world as below

1. You realise things like love, ideologies, ideas, sex (being a player), spiritualism, materialism, happiness, sadness, heat, cold, sweet, bitter etc. are second to life. The force of Life is the most important thing. Everything else doesn't exist if there is no life. - which means on a grander scale evolutionary success is above all

2. In order to achieve evolutionary success, you need to produce offsprings - preferably in a monogamous way, as it decreases the risk of diseases in your offsprings

3. In order to achieve evolutionary success, you need to raise your offsprings effectively - only possible in a monogamous relationship as resources, love, money, emotions are focused on only one set of offsprings

4. While it is possible for jaded men (player men aka damaged souls) to run life normally purely through philosophy and logic rather than as a force of nature/god, it is impossible for damaged women to run their life normally once they have sold their souls
totally agree with you!

I don't understant the last point you mentioned about "damaged women", if you could explain it to me better I would be very grateful.

cheers!
 
Damaged women are women that have slept with too many guys. How many is to many? Depends on the girl, the culture she comes from etc. From what ive witnessed any more than 3 and there will be major problems down the line. Ideally you want a virgin, this has been the best option both traditionally and practically, its also just about impossible, especially in America. So the next best thing is a girl that has not been with "alot". I have never seen a girl be with 4 or more guys and have a successful marriage unless she had a major major life altering spiritual experience. Even then I would wait months if not years to make sure she has truly "changed". Back in the day the father would be a girls guardian and literally pass her on to her future husband. This is gone in the west and quickly dying in the middle east. Your best bet is a girl with a low body count and a strong relationship with her father. Maybe it wasn't strong when she was a rebellious teen or college student which is somewhat expected given the current climate. Yet if she has reached mature adulthood and still hasn't realized the importance of a relationship with her father (assuming he's alive) then thats a no go(assuming her father isn't a psyho)
 
Damaged women are women that have slept with too many guys. How many is to many? Depends on the girl, the culture she comes from etc. From what ive witnessed any more than 3 and there will be major problems down the line. Ideally you want a virgin, this has been the best option both traditionally and practically, its also just about impossible, especially in America. So the next best thing is a girl that has not been with "alot". I have never seen a girl be with 4 or more guys and have a successful marriage unless she had a major major life altering spiritual experience. Even then I would wait months if not years to make sure she has truly "changed". Back in the day the father would be a girls guardian and literally pass her on to her future husband. This is gone in the west and quickly dying in the middle east. Your best bet is a girl with a low body count and a strong relationship with her father. Maybe it wasn't strong when she was a rebellious teen or college student which is somewhat expected given the current climate. Yet if she has reached mature adulthood and still hasn't realized the importance of a relationship with her father (assuming he's alive) then thats a no go(assuming her father isn't a psyho)
how can I see...check or observe if she has truly change?

The thing is...I also have seen girls lying saying that they have sleep with very few guys(1 or 2..)..to discover afther that they went to threesomes, orgies..and fuck many guys..so you can't tell the real truth of what can happen!
 

MiroKlose

Pigeon
how can I see...check or observe if she has truly change?

The thing is...I also have seen girls lying saying that they have sleep with very few guys(1 or 2..)..to discover afther that they went to threesomes, orgies..and fuck many guys..so you can't tell the real truth of what can happen!

Thats very easy. Our forefathers didn't say it for nothing when they said "Eyes are gateway to the soul"

Look at the eyes. You just know. You just know somehow if her soul is destroyed. From my experience generally the eyes of people (men/women) whose soul is impact have the eyes of an innocent baby, at least close to it. Eyes of people who are jaded are generally worn out, looks mature, has a sex appeal to them. I don't know man, you just feel it in your gut looking at those eyes.

The other way is to see if the person is completely in the "present", in the "right now", enjoying life with you as it is and as it comes. An average human would of course think about the past and the future but not to an extent that he/she is obsessing over it. If she is obsessing over her past or future, then it would eventually lead to insecurity. Insecurity in women leads to cheating on you.
 
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placer

Woodpecker
Well, there are two possible paths God leads people to take:
  • The married life with kids. Here, the marriage is to be a lifetime monogamous commitment, so choose wisely. Sometimes, God does choose for the married life to be one without kids (not all women can make babies), but this is considered a curse in the Bible and in traditional Christianity.
  • The celibate life, which is a legitimate calling for some men.
For most men, the married life makes more sense, but God can and does call some men to be celibate. Since, however, the original poster is going out with someone, it would appear, in his case, that God’s calling can very well be for him to make babies with this woman. But, both the OP and his girl have a, should I say, history, so be careful to make the the marriage exists as a spiritual marriage, with both living to God’s standards instead of to the world’s standards. I don’t think a woman’s history is an automatic deal breaker (“Let the one without sin be the first one to cast a stone”), but it’s a challenge to overcome.

God’s standards include love (1 Cor 13), self sacrifice (Matthew 16:24), lifetime monogamy (Matthew 19:6), and regular prayer together. A good marriage should be about pleasing the spirit, not the flesh.
 
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I don't personally know anyone who is single and/or (voluntarily) childless that is not constantly trying to fill the void with activities and things.

It's not fair to string a woman along because the longer they wait to get married the less their chances of marriage becomes. Whichever option you choose you must do it quickly.

As far as divorce goes, people are just too quick to call it quits. Every marriage has ups and downs, but unless there is abuse, or some other unfixable issue, divorce should not be an option.
 
I was once like you. Now we're scrambling to have more before we're too old. It's not about what you want atm. There is far more to it.

Simply consider you'll probably be able to trust your sons more than anyone else in the world. Those are allies you want to have. Trust me.
 
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