I feel smothered in my relationship

Terneuzen

Chicken
I bet you will tell me to finish my current relationship and focus on my life instead. This line of reasoning would be correct if not the following factors to be considered:

1) I want to have kids and believe that the sooner I have them, the better for me and them. Having kids at younger age means lower risk of complications and diseases for kids. Besides this young age means that we have more energy and balls to shape young human beings. The older we are, the more risk averse and overprotective we become and this is not a role for a father, but grandparents. I am lucky enough to have tons of energy at the age of 31 and feel like I am wasting it only on work-related matters, sports and entertainment.

2) My current girlfriend seems to be a good candidate for a mother – breaking up with her can have the following consequences:

a. I may not be able to find another good girl like her and I may be seeing some serious flaws in all new acquaintances, which means that my plan to have a family and kids will not materialize. Or alternatively I will have kids with multiple, average women and will feel sorry for my kids to have such mothers. Not to mention that in this scenario my contact with kids will be very limited.
b. Finding the right girl can take a lot of time and we all know that maintaining certain level of attractiveness requires a lot of time. I am 31 now and I fear that I get too old before I meet a suitable candidate for having kids. My target is under 25 and they usually prefer guys that are younger than 30, max 35 – at least this is what they say…
c. Prolonging the decision to have kids increases the risk of unpredictable accidents and diseases that can make me unable to pass my genes on.

On the other side I feel smothered in my relationship, because my girlfriend is very jealous of all my female friends she deems attractive. This feeling makes me even more willing to have sex outside my relationship and reduces my readiness to have sex with my girlfriend. This results with lack of sex for me whatsoever, because so far I haven’t cheated on her. She is also frustrated, because her appetite for sex is high and I am not able to satisfy it – not because I don’t have the technique, but I am not willing to. I suspect that I’m just bored by having sex with one girl after having spent almost two years living a bachelor lifestyle to the fullest.

My other problem is very high level of testosterone (I tested my blood for it) which is a product of a carnivore diet and active life outside office hours. I adopted a carnivore diet and have never had such an appetite for new girls before. My hormones tell me to pick up and bang chicks in large quantities, but my logical side of brain tells me that I have already hunted one and the current sociocultural circumstances do not allow us to have more than one at a time.

On a side note: ironically enough, my sexual needs increased so much when I did my homework in all other aspects of life – I got rid of all my health issues caused by chronic inflammation, I got promoted in my job (now being a manager) and started doing well in side business that was followed by making more money than a vast majority of my peers. I also studied the psychology of females, which helped me mastering my game – with all those experiences pick up girls became a no-brainer for me. It seems that women can smell confidence in men and it attracts them more than anything else, while successful men unconsciously know that they can afford multiple women at a time and this is the goal that they chase in their sexual lives.

My girlfriend is 30, we have been together for 1,5 years and been living together for one year. I know that it is about time for her to have kids if we want to have 3 or more - she wants 3, I would like to have more, but realistically it’s rather unlikely at her age. She’s still physically attractive and have several orbiters, but she’s not interested in them because they all have lower SMV than me. She’s also very intelligent and conscientious – these traits bode well for the future, but her emotional programming destroys the picture – too many Disney movies in the childhood and Instagram in later years.

I don’t want to break her heart by breaking up or cheating on her, but the more I think about the situation we are in the more I believe that banging chicks on the side would be the best solution if we both want to be happy together. The two other solutions are:

1) We remain in the relationship with little sexual interest towards each other – both unhappy and I am the culprit
2) We break up – initially both unhappy, but this can change rather quickly. In this scenario I know I will get my shit together faster than her, because I have my female friends still interested in me
3) Overt polygamy – not allowed beyond the Muslim world, not an option

What do you think of it? Am I normal having such dilemmas? It would be much easier to have less money, less testosterone, work a shitty job and play video games on my free time…

P.S. I forgot to mention – we are not married, but we signed a partnership contract for tax reasons, it is a legal contract that treats fairly both parties and one can terminate it unilaterally. No need for lawyers, your assets remain yours, etc. Marriage is not an option for me and my girlfriend knows that – she was initially outraged (what a surprise), but finally calmed down and accepted it for the time being. I know that she deep in her heart she is resentful about that as well as the fact that she has to pay her fair share of monthly expenses until we have children. This is also kind of a red flag for me, but maybe I am too strict about her – no one is ideal…
 

eradicator

Peacock
Gold Member
Find someone younger. Your girlfriend/partner is already 30 and no kids. Let some old dude wife her up.

Concentrate on younger girls that will increase the chances of having a healthy baby.
 
I went through some similar dilemmas when I was in my 30's. In general the way I resolved them for myself was to rationalize that, if I was not happy, I'd be a shitty partner and father. I just knew this about myself and accepted it. Also, in my parents and with many people in my generation I saw a lot of terrible marriages resulting in divorce when the goal of "Having kids" was more important than finding the right person to form a partnership with. Arriving at this conclusion on my own was further strengthened when I read this:

"Put your outdoor work in order and get your fields ready; after that, build your house." -Proverbs 24:27

Essentially, you've got to have your shit wrapped tight before you can begin a legacy.

HTH
 
eradicator said:
Find someone younger. Your girlfriend/partner is already 30 and no kids. Let some old dude wife her up.
Concentrate on younger girls that will increase the chances of having a healthy baby.

I had 4 kids with my first (nearly same age) wife, she was 30 for the first and 41 for the fourth, all healthy.
And another with my second wife, she was 34 and I was 55, again healthy.

How many kids do you have?
(I'm thinking none)
 
Hi are you from Luxembourg? If yes pm me.

Well, I see here a few problems; first of all you LET her be jealous. Why didn't you tell her that this is a no go for you and put your foot down? Jealous women will always be jealous and make your life miserable. Imagine going to some parents meeting for your kids at school and all she will care for is that you were 'watching other moms'...It is irrational to us men, but remember women are irrational.

Another point, you claim that you can't find someone as good as her. I think you can and you should try! Try to settle for the best that you can get and try to look out for more (but in a reasonable way).

At the end I'd advocate for a break-up.
 

yang2287

Sparrow
Terneuzen said:
I bet you will tell me to finish my current relationship and focus on my life instead. This line of reasoning would be correct if not the following factors to be considered:

1) I want to have kids and believe that the sooner I have them, the better for me and them. Having kids at younger age means lower risk of complications and diseases for kids. Besides this young age means that we have more energy and balls to shape young human beings. The older we are, the more risk averse and overprotective we become and this is not a role for a father, but grandparents. I am lucky enough to have tons of energy at the age of 31 and feel like I am wasting it only on work-related matters, sports and entertainment.

2) My current girlfriend seems to be a good candidate for a mother – breaking up with her can have the following consequences:

a. I may not be able to find another good girl like her and I may be seeing some serious flaws in all new acquaintances, which means that my plan to have a family and kids will not materialize. Or alternatively I will have kids with multiple, average women and will feel sorry for my kids to have such mothers. Not to mention that in this scenario my contact with kids will be very limited.
b. Finding the right girl can take a lot of time and we all know that maintaining certain level of attractiveness requires a lot of time. I am 31 now and I fear that I get too old before I meet a suitable candidate for having kids. My target is under 25 and they usually prefer guys that are younger than 30, max 35 – at least this is what they say…
c. Prolonging the decision to have kids increases the risk of unpredictable accidents and diseases that can make me unable to pass my genes on.

On the other side I feel smothered in my relationship, because my girlfriend is very jealous of all my female friends she deems attractive. This feeling makes me even more willing to have sex outside my relationship and reduces my readiness to have sex with my girlfriend. This results with lack of sex for me whatsoever, because so far I haven’t cheated on her. She is also frustrated, because her appetite for sex is high and I am not able to satisfy it – not because I don’t have the technique, but I am not willing to. I suspect that I’m just bored by having sex with one girl after having spent almost two years living a bachelor lifestyle to the fullest.

You sound too entitled. Decide what you want and go for it. If you want kids with your girlfriend, why not go for it, if you want some side action, go for it.

I fail to see where the girl is "smothering" you

I don't see any jealousy from your girl here, it's perfectly normal female behavior to be jealous. And why do you care if she is jealous anyway, you tell her what to do and she gets in-line end of story.

Don't waste a 30-year old girl's time, decide what you want and go for it.

Typically after 2-years of being together with a girl and 1-year of moving in together, you need to have a common project for the future. It usually means kids.

You can perfectly get some side action while being in a relationship, all the entitlement in this post is tiring.I can list on my fingers several scenarios of how this can be done

By the way it's a jungle out there when you're 30, i don't know about your SMV and i assume your social circle is not the same as when you were in high school surrounded by 18-22 year old blonde virgins. It's a jungle out there

If your girl has a high sex drive there is nothing wrong with that, it's your job to satisfy her

Again i fail to see where you're being smothered in this post
 

scorpion

Hummingbird
Gold Member
It sounds like you're trying to force yourself into settling for this girl just because you want to have kids with her. It's admirable to embrace fatherhood, but if you don't really have any chemistry or attraction for this girl it's going to be difficult to maintain the marriage, and if you have a bad marriage or a divorce that's going to negatively impact your children tremendously. It's a bad sign if you're already losing attraction and sexual interest in her at this point, because she's not going to get any more attractive as time goes by, especially after popping out 3 kids. It's all down hill from here. I agree with RawGod that she's probably not right for you. If you're with a girl you have really good, natural chemistry with and strong attraction toward, you wouldn't be plagued with this feeling of missing out with other girls like you are now. I've worn both of those hats and the difference is night and day. Sure, you will always be attracted to other women even in the best relationship, but if you're with the right woman (and at the right place in your life) you'll be able to manage that and recognize that what you have with her is not worth throwing away for random pussy. If you have to go into a serious relationship from the beginning with the intention of cheating on her to satisfy your sexual cravings, you're either with the wrong woman or shouldn't be in a relationship at all. You should probably end it now and give her a chance to find another man while she's still young enough to have a family, and set your sights on finding a girl you have better chemistry with.
 

Papaya

Peacock
Gold Member
Terneuzen said:
On the other side I feel smothered in my relationship, because my girlfriend is very jealous of all my female friends she deems attractive. This feeling makes me even more willing to have sex outside my relationship and reduces my readiness to have sex with my girlfriend. This results with lack of sex for me whatsoever, because so far I haven’t cheated on her. She is also frustrated, because her appetite for sex is high and I am not able to satisfy it – not because I don’t have the technique, but I am not willing to. I suspect that I’m just bored by having sex with one girl after having spent almost two years living a bachelor lifestyle to the fullest.

Her jealousy, your carnivore diet. etc etc...is all smokescreen.

You want some strange (desire) but aren't confident in your ability to upgrade if you give up the known quantity (fear).

Fear vs Desire

Nothing new

:discussionclosed:
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
Just get out.

You want out and we can all try and convince you to stay but theres no telling someone what they should and shouldn't like.

You already know the answer.

I don't see any benefit in staying with this chick.
 
To be perfectly honest, it doesn't sound to me like you're ready to have children. You seem consumed by a desire to get some strange, and I believe Papaya Tapper is absolutely correct when he says you're trapped in a fear vs. desire dilemma.

If fatherhood is actually your goal, you need to focus more on putting down roots in your community and searching for a good area to raise kids, i.e. house and school district, etc. as well as building a social circle of happily married friends also looking to start or who already have families.

This girl sounds on paper like a great partner but you're already losing interest in her sexually. She could give you five kids if she wanted, even at 30. Cheating on her will eventually implode your relationship and I dare a man on this forum to claim that single-parent or split custody arrangements are remotely beneficial or preferable for raising children.

I suggest you take a trip, alone for a few days doing something that will give you time to think, like fishing or camping. If you have some real homies, bring one or two along and talk to them about it. You need to decide your direction in life without the distractions of both your girl and all the others out there, and then stick to it with confidence - man up if you will. At 30, it's time to decide who you want to be because 40 year olds who haven't figured that out yet are as worthless as college freshman.

Keep in mind too that you have not mentioned at all her family, religious beliefs, or upbringing which I think are the three most crucial variables in determining long-term coexistence. Reflect on these issues because sex cannot make a relationship last forever - I found out the hard way when I had to break up with a pretty, submissive, and well raised blonde whose virginity I took because of the immutable religious differences we had. I'm still dealing with that a year later but a man has to do what he has to do.
 
Terneuzen said:
My girlfriend is 30, we have been together for 1,5 years and been living together for one year. I know that it is about time for her to have kids if we want to have 3 or more - she wants 3, I would like to have more, but realistically it’s rather unlikely at her age. She’s still physically attractive and have several orbiters, but she’s not interested in them because they all have lower SMV than me. She’s also very intelligent and conscientious – these traits bode well for the future, but her emotional programming destroys the picture – too many Disney movies in the childhood and Instagram in later years.

I don’t want to break her heart by breaking up or cheating on her, but the more I think about the situation we are in the more I believe that banging chicks on the side would be the best solution if we both want to be happy together. The two other solutions are:

1) We remain in the relationship with little sexual interest towards each other – both unhappy and I am the culprit
2) We break up – initially both unhappy, but this can change rather quickly. In this scenario I know I will get my shit together faster than her, because I have my female friends still interested in me
3) Overt polygamy – not allowed beyond the Muslim world, not an option

I am going through something very similar, which I recently shared with the RVF and received great feedback from the members. The one glaring difference from your story being I don't really want any kids (at least not in the near future).

Truthfully, you sound scattered and all over the place in your wants and needs. If you have a craving for casual no strings attached sexual encounters with other women because of your high T count then you are in absolutely no place to be committing to a woman and siring her children. Even if you want to have your fun on the side you wont have the time or money for it after children come into the picture. What makes you so sure you want to have three kids? Have you ever taken care of small children for any extended period of time?

Just from babysitting my two year old nephew regularly I have been hit with the stone cold reality that children require a great deal of time, effort and expense with very little reward (until they are often much older). Once you have children your life is forever changed. The financial ramifications alone will ensure that you will be working like a mad man just to provide for your new family. The social aspect will also be over because all of your 'free' time will revolve around cartaking, plays, games, events and various other mundane events with your children. Even if your marriage somehow manages to survive (rare occurrence now days), the fun is largely gone, money will be tight and the arguments will be endless over finances, discipline, and everything else you cant even possibly fathom right now. And when it all falls apart you as a man will be BLAMED for EVERYTHING and get stuck with nothing but the bill.
 

questor70

Ostrich
It's important to see relationships as an ongoing cause and effect rather than just judging the other person with a simple thumbs up or thumbs down. Go back and time and review how you met this woman and what sparked your interest. Have you played a part in allowing the relationship to get stale? Is she inherently clingy by nature or is this something she gravitated to? If you ever plan on marrying and settling down, regardless of who it's with, you will have to figure out how to actively maintain LTRs otherwise even the best marriage will hit the rocks eventually.

I think for the most part, a woman's loyalty is driven more out of fear than anything men might construe as true love. But fear and insecurity are unattractive. So that offers a sad tradeoff when looking for an LTR.
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
I don't get this thread.

OP isn't excited or even keen to stay with this one chick even NOW and yet somehow starting a family together will be a good idea?

Ask yourself OP:

Knowing everything you know now..
and having had the experience already once..
if you found yourself back at the beginning again when you first met her..

would you do it all again which brings you up to where you are today or would you make a different decision and do something different?

That will give you your answer.
 

Terneuzen

Chicken
The thread title is misleading, although the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place coincides with being smothered by my girlfriend's quest for having a perfect life which I didn't really describe in the first post. I apologize for that confusion.

I very much appreciate all your comments, even though I do not agree with some of them. I've had a conversation with one ex-member of this forum and he told me something I find depressing yet true - there is no place in the contemporary, docile society for virile men. Most of them escape to business and burn your energy resources in that game, neglecting all other, yet equally important aspects of life like health, spiritual and sexual satisfaction, etc. Lack of any of these can lead to a life full of frustration that can be sensed by our significant ones, let alone the fact that living the miserable life is not worth living, especially if we know what’s wrong and how to fix it.

I currently do not have any kids, although my ex and my current girlfriend wanted to have them with me. It was me saying no to this idea as long as we do not along well. Couple of years ago, soon after breaking up with my ex she was joking that it would be great to have a child with me without being in a relationship – I did not consider her being serious at that time, but now I would warmly welcome that idea again. She is very well off thanks to her dad and the only thing she’s missing is a richer, more powerful guy that she can have kids with. I don’t believe she will find any (she’s also 31), so maybe reconnecting with her for the purpose of having a child would calm me down and ensure that my legacy is passed on.

My current girlfriend is very attractive physically and the fact that I am not so willing to have sex with her stems from too much time spent together, which is my fault, because I let it be this way. She is craving for more time with me and I caught myself spending most of my free time with her, which is not so smart. Another reason for low sexual attraction is that after 1,5 years of sexual exclusivity and a year living together even the most beautiful chick will not give you so much excitement – it’s just the way we are programmed. We are initially attracted to a woman in order to impregnate her and this feeling fades away as soon as the job is done. I am not saying it is good or bad, it is just the way it is. If we take that into account, we realize that moving on to another girl is not a solution to a problem.

I did not mention it before, but believe that can be a worthwile piece of information - my father had kids with multiple women, he wasn't always married to them. My mother was his last woman he had children with before he passed away. I thus believe that my particular urge to have affairs can be to certain extent genetic - if we believe that our women inherit their looks and character from their mothers, we should also consider that some of our talents or addictions have roots in our male ancestors. The same reasoning applies to our intelligence - it is to a large extent heritable.
 

Aizen

Kingfisher
Orthodox
As man posters here have noted, it seema that your not actually bwing smothered by this hotel, rather, you feel smothered due to the fact that you can't chase other girls.

I understand that you are looking to start a family, however from what you've relayed to us it seems that you're still subconsciously in persuit of the bachelor lifestyle.

Time to make a choice mate.
 

Terneuzen

Chicken
JiggyLordJr said:
As man posters here have noted, it seema that your not actually bwing smothered by this hotel, rather, you feel smothered due to the fact that you can't chase other girls.

I rather feel 'smothered' due to lack of freedom and social life that I have had prior to this relationship. I may be (almost) totally satisfied being able to spend time with new women and occasionally flirting, not necessarily banging them. But my girlfriend is simply too jealous to accept me going out without her without giving details about the event. I told her explicitly that I cannot accept that setup and did go out without informing her anyway and it broke her heart every time. The need of independence is stronger in me than the desire to keep that relationship working in a current way. The result is that we accumulate resentments that ruin our relationship and that is a major turn off for me when it comes to having sex with her.
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
Well I'll say it if noone else will...

Your relationship is over. the only question is how long it takes to become obvious.

the idea of having a family with her is wishful thinking. Madness.

Im sure she's great. You're great. A lot of heartache.

It's over. Pretty soon you will be enjoying all the sadness and excitement of your freedom.

Other forum members will give it more thought and suggestions and good for them. They are being more helpful than me.

But, based on how you are presenting this, I don't see the point in pretending that the situation is any different from what it looks like.
 

Terneuzen

Chicken
I don't deny that you may be right Bienvenuto. I appreciate your view and thank you for helping me.

It just breaks my heart that two seemingly intelligent, successful people cannot get along well with each other despite having the same life goals and many common interests. Divergent goals were the reason why my ex-girlfriend broke up with me and I refused to come back to her when she wanted to half a year later.

On the other side one may wonder how bad the situation can go between us in the bad times if we are unhappy together at the time of overall prosperity and health.
 
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