I feel smothered in my relationship

BlastbeatCasanova

Kingfisher
Sometimes I feel very smothered in my relationship as well. But after thinking about it I’m not sure that “I want to bang other chicks” is a good enough reason for me personally to end it with a totally solid RP-oriented chick
 

456

Kingfisher
In my last relationship I felt smothered and it had zero to do with "I want to bang other chicks" -- it was more like "I feel that monk mode cycle coming on and I know myself too well to try to maintain a relationship where I increasingly want space and she'll have no choice but to retreat into friends and fun without me and I'll eventually resent it while causing it"...

Also a "solid RP-oriented chick", feminine career, prudent and easily saw through the BS front most people/media/colleagues put on. A great us-vs-the-world vibe and intimacy.

Ending it after a couple years was extremely tough for me but in retrospect it was fair to her. So I can rest easy, rather than feel guilt if it were just about craving strange.

I felt a lot of guilt for not ending it earlier, knowing how personally she took my slow pull-away, losing interest in sex and pouring into my business and hobbies though she did everything right and kept making sweet efforts. I really hope I didn't give her a complex or wreck her confidence. It really was a "me thing" and a "timing thing" as I told her... (I feel like a girly cliche machine).

In my mid-30s, it was the first time I pulled the plug and actually had the striking thought of "Who am I to cast away an actual Great Girl like that at my age? How many more chances will I get?" instead of thinking "Hell yeah back to the grind! Who knows what magic awaits!"

My priorities and extroversion have shifted in the past few years, but I'll adapt and learn.

The lingering thought I have now almost a year later is that it wasn't really timing, it was just my inability to deal with some stressors in life without pushing away (and some clashing with) those closest, and semi-blaming the relationship for my own self-neglect in some areas. I probably have to solve those issues before getting married someday.

She'd give me all the space I need to take on new work, be out of sync on meals and hang time due to diet, exercise, and other priorities, but I still felt the MENTAL lack of space knowing that I was actively de-prioritizing someone who was prioritizing me greatly. I felt guilty and it took the wind out of some of those efforts. I craved that "answering to NOBODY" and "nobody cares where I am right now or for how long" singleness that had facilitated some of my greatest life-growth spurts in the past.

Well, I got it... grass ain't always greener, and there were some months of doubt, but now on the other side, I am very happy and things are Up.

But clearly, as older members with families will describe, one must be capable of weathering cycles up and down and back up like that without the ability to "reset" their entire personal circumstances and responsibilities.
 

questor70

Ostrich
Terneuzen said:
Couple of years ago, soon after breaking up with my ex she was joking that it would be great to have a child with me without being in a relationship – I did not consider her being serious at that time, but now I would warmly welcome that idea again.

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The world doesn't need men deliberately contributing to bastardry and furthering the debasement of marriage and marginalizing the role of fatherhood.
 

Terneuzen

Chicken
456 said:
She'd give me all the space I need to take on new work, be out of sync on meals and hang time due to diet, exercise, and other priorities, but I still felt the MENTAL lack of space knowing that I was actively de-prioritizing someone who was prioritizing me greatly. I felt guilty and it took the wind out of some of those efforts. I craved that "answering to NOBODY" and "nobody cares where I am right now or for how long" singleness that had facilitated some of my greatest life-growth spurts in the past.

Did you tell her that you lacked mental space in the relationship? I did, and my girlfriend cannot understand it and says that it isn't normal using the examples of her ostensibly-happily-married female friends. It is a bit of a mystery to me that none of their husbands can say the same.

Being abnormal is her favorite accusation towards me - I do not accept uneven share of monthly bills (rent, food, travel, etc.), I don't share my bank account and information about my finances, I do not spend all my free time with her anymore and restart my social life without her. This is all abnormal to her and her female friends and she cannot accept that reality, hence lots of bitterness and resentment in her - she simply cannot stand that her friends are better off than her in their relationships. On top of that we struggle with lack of trust from her side, because she is jealous of my female friends and believes that not all of them know that I am in a relationship with her. I told her numerous times that it isn't true, but she seems to ignore that.

The above are pretty solid arguments for being 'smothered' - on the other side I know, that being in a relationship with 8 is mentally challenging and I will probably have to deal with at least the same amount of mental issues in any other attractive girl. This is the conclusion of dating other attractive girls in my life - they are all to some extent spoiled, demanding and resentful if they don't get what they believe they deserve from men for the sheer fact of existing on this planet. Most of them quit if they are not satisfied, because they know they can get more somewhere else - my relationship is not at this stage and I wonder if that's because she already turned 30 this year.

questor70 said:
The world doesn't need men deliberately contributing to bastardry and furthering the debasement of marriage and marginalizing the role of fatherhood.
I believe it's still possible to be a good father in that setup, but after giving that idea a second thought I realized I do not want to give it a try before trying to set up a full family with a more pleasant girl. Nevertheless, my ex has good genes, plenty of resources and commited grandparents (her parents) that would love to help raising her kids - our race need more offsprings of such people. It's pretty unlikely that my ex will find a husband anytime soon, so I may consider that if she starts to be desperate about having kids, but I will negotiate the terms accordingly.
 

456

Kingfisher
Terneuzen said:
456 said:
She'd give me all the space I need to take on new work, be out of sync on meals and hang time due to diet, exercise, and other priorities, but I still felt the MENTAL lack of space knowing that I was actively de-prioritizing someone who was prioritizing me greatly. I felt guilty and it took the wind out of some of those efforts. I craved that "answering to NOBODY" and "nobody cares where I am right now or for how long" singleness that had facilitated some of my greatest life-growth spurts in the past.

Did you tell her that you lacked mental space in the relationship? I did, and my girlfriend cannot understand it and says that it isn't normal using the examples of her ostensibly-happily-married female friends. It is a bit of a mystery to me that none of their husbands can say the same.

Being abnormal is her favorite accusation towards me - I do not accept uneven share of monthly bills (rent, food, travel, etc.), I don't share my bank account and information about my finances, I do not spend all my free time with her anymore and restart my social life without her. This is all abnormal to her and her female friends and she cannot accept that reality, hence lots of bitterness and resentment in her - she simply cannot stand that her friends are better off than her in their relationships. On top of that we struggle with lack of trust from her side, because she is jealous of my female friends and believes that not all of them know that I am in a relationship with her. I told her numerous times that it isn't true, but she seems to ignore that.


@Terneuzen, my ex totally understood my need for mental space. She knew that my quirks and being DIFFERENT than her friends' men are why she loved me, and she wouldn't have respect for a guy who gave up his own Things just for a girl.

Despite that, I needed that "clean slate" and cleansed palette.

Maybe she wasn't going to be right for me for the future and the lack of any obvious flag or reason made it more difficult. Or maybe there were subtle flags my ego didn't want to accept (since I should know better)...

Also we probably spent time too frequently together (I have a fairly flexible schedule at times, and even in busy times work from home often enough)... it just felt a little "what's the point if I'm not trying to take any next step yet". Also I was having some stress and blues. Who knows.

Either way, that feeling of smotheredness is a real thing your gut is telling you... it's not up to Her to solve, but You.
 

Winston Wolfe

Woodpecker
Terneuzen said:
1) I want to have kids and believe that the sooner I have them, the better for me and them. Having kids at younger age means lower risk of complications and diseases for kids. Besides this young age means that we have more energy and balls to shape young human beings. The older we are, the more risk averse and overprotective we become and this is not a role for a father, but grandparents. I am lucky enough to have tons of energy at the age of 31 and feel like I am wasting it only on work-related matters, sports and entertainment.

2) My current girlfriend seems to be a good candidate for a mother – breaking up with her can have the following consequences:

a. I may not be able to find another good girl like her and I may be seeing some serious flaws in all new acquaintances, which means that my plan to have a family and kids will not materialize. Or alternatively I will have kids with multiple, average women and will feel sorry for my kids to have such mothers. Not to mention that in this scenario my contact with kids will be very limited.
b. Finding the right girl can take a lot of time and we all know that maintaining certain level of attractiveness requires a lot of time. I am 31 now and I fear that I get too old before I meet a suitable candidate for having kids. My target is under 25 and they usually prefer guys that are younger than 30, max 35 – at least this is what they say…
c. Prolonging the decision to have kids increases the risk of unpredictable accidents and diseases that can make me unable to pass my genes on.

I can resonate with this very much. I am also in my early 30s and would like to have kids sooner rather than later, mostly for similar reasons you stated. I do not want to be in my 40s and not have kids yet.

You (and I) do need to remember though, that purely from a biological perspective, it should be no problem having kids in your 40s and 50s. So objectively speaking we do have a lot of time still.

Though from a practical point of view, I agree with you 100%. I think having kids somewhere between 30 and 35 would be ideal.

Ultimately I do think it would be the wrong decision to stay with this girl only because you want kids and think you're running out of time. Maybe living a single life having some fun for a while would be good to get it out of your system, and then give it another go.
 

Terneuzen

Chicken
Things got more complicated since the creation of that thread – we have had a major argument 1,5 week ago and since then we do not consider being together anymore. But the reality is that we still live together until she finds a new place for herself. Our current apartment – although she loves it and furnished it the way she wanted – is too expensive for her to stay in. I do not like the idea paying so much either, so if we definitely decide to break up I will leave the apartment and search for a new tenant, because we are renting it.

During the last argument she blamed me for meeting other girls (not true) and not prioritizing her. She feels unloved and neglected, which should be no surprise for her, because I gradually became more and more withdrawn with my feelings towards her due to her jealousy, not listening to what I say and misinterpreting my words. I also had an access to her messages on social media and I could see that she was complaining about me to her family female friends and exaggerating stories from our relationship to show me in a bad light.

I told her that I know that she gives me a bad name, but I did not reveal the source of my knowledge. I also told her that she should not be with a guy that will never want to see her family and most of her friends again because of what they told her about me. Their conclusion is that I am a toxic, abusive bad boy that she always had weakness for and that I will ruin her life. She repeatedly told them that she loves me, but I believe it’s because I give her emotions and I am a good candidate for a family provider.

The breakup clear step backward for both of us, because we wanted to have children now. Luckily or not, we have not decided to have them yet due to our frequent arguments and misunderstandings. Now it would take a lot of time to heal the wounds made during this quasi-breakup and I do not believe it is worth giving ourselves a second chance. What do you think?
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
One day you will be looking back on this with utter relief.

Right now its a nightmare.

But forget about the window for having kids for now. You had an ideal world plan like most women do with their romance novels.
They end up as cat-ladies because no resources, strength, initiative..
You are built differently and so you can adapt.

She has a real "window of time." You don't.

In this imperfect world you having kids in THIS window of time that you areboth now living in would be a disaster.

Its hard now.. it will get better.

And don't listen to her "toxic" whingeing and complaining. "YOU have to fix it. YOU have to make it right. YOU are in the wrong."
She likes to put all the blame and responsibility - out there, on other people.

There are more women and relationships and good potential mothers out there than you can possibly ever experience in one lifetime.

I repeat. You will look back on this and breathe a sigh of relief.
 

Terneuzen

Chicken
Bienvenuto said:
One day you will be looking back on this with utter relief.

Perhaps yes, but at this moment I feel anxious that my attractiveness will be on a declining trajectory and I will not find another woman that ticks as many boxes as she does. And I feel annoyed that I will have to pay 100% of the rent, which is almost 2k USD per month instead of paying half - I can afford that, but my plan was to save and invest that money so that I can have more freedom than I had in my poor 20s. The rental market in Luxembourg is ridiculously overpriced and my contract is valid until October 2020, it is going to be difficult to opt out. Perhaps finding a replacement can be an option, but this will still cost a lot in terms of agency fees and operational costs. I try to look at the situation also from a pragmatic point of view, because turning to be a pragmatic man made me an attractive male couple of years ago.
 
Terneuzen said:
I also had an access to her messages on social media and I could see that she was complaining about me to her family female friends and exaggerating stories from our relationship to show me in a bad light.

Careful there dude, she's establishing a public history of domestic violence, next step is her calling the police "he hit me"
Then you'll be out of the apartment, but still paying for it.

Once they start badmouthing you to other people, it's time to get rid, there's no turning back.
"Thou shalt not bare false witness" (God)
 
Terneuzen said:
3) Overt polygamy – not allowed beyond the Muslim world, not an option

Who says it's not allowed? I dont see any laws against a man having multiple partners, either way, if you can get it go for it, you'll never know if you dont try.
 
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