I Got Married

I’m thinking that getting vetted by her father after the initial spark is the surest way. There’s more to trust in a man’s faith, and him looking after his daughter. Then you can propose after you’re comfortable with her family.

Nothing would reassure me more than a tough father that makes it difficult. She would then not see you as being in the bag, and be attracted by the uncertainty.

"Wow! He is brave enough to stand up to my scary dad, that's someone special!" Yes, I agree with your point.

When I was only in highschool, a junior, there was a sleek, tall and beautiful blonde who was the embodiment of a wet dream. And she was a sweet and very playful girl, who for some kinda reason liked me. At the local arcade, she would ride the motorcycle game, where you rode on a facsimile of a motorcycle and watched a screen. My friends and I nearly bit our knuckles as her perfect Georgia peach butt made that thing move! I still remember after all these years. She knew exactly what she was doing to us.

One day she invited me to visit her home sometime to study with her. I was sorely tempted, though in highschool I made a point to avoid romantic entanglements because I did not see the point. But for her I should have done it. I had heard the stories about her father, though I had never met him. A very big muscle bound ex-marine who supposedly breathed fire, and could look right through any young man who came by his place! Lol I should have been braver and gone. And her dad might have gauged me as being pretty harmless, which could have bothered her. Lol But I will never know. I hope she had a good life, she was fun and caring.
 

Beaker

Robin
"Wow! He is brave enough to stand up to my scary dad, that's someone special!" Yes, I agree with your point.

When I was only in highschool, a junior, there was a sleek, tall and beautiful blonde who was the embodiment of a wet dream. And she was a sweet and very playful girl, who for some kinda reason liked me. At the local arcade, she would ride the motorcycle game, where you rode on a facsimile of a motorcycle and watched a screen. My friends and I nearly bit our knuckles as her perfect Georgia peach butt made that thing move! I still remember after all these years. She knew exactly what she was doing to us.

One day she invited me to visit her home sometime to study with her. I was sorely tempted, though in highschool I made a point to avoid romantic entanglements because I did not see the point. But for her I should have done it. I had heard the stories about her father, though I had never met him. A very big muscle bound ex-marine who supposedly breathed fire, and could look right through any young man who came by his place! Lol I should have been braver and gone. And her dad might have gauged me as being pretty harmless, which could have bothered her. Lol But I will never know. I hope she had a good life, she was fun and caring.

That's one part, the other is that if you trust her father to protect her, you trust her to be undamaged.

We should be weary of women that marry without being attracted, that’s to say with ulterior motives. Women will take on any beliefs and traits to do this. Even if it's just to be your girlfriend, I've experienced it. It's not out of the question that a woman may convert specifically to hunt for a suitable provider.

I’m not doubting what @redbeard has but after giving some thorough thought to the possibilities, the odds are high of running into deceiving women. And you can never underestimate their power on you - some are great actresses - and especially after bonding emotionally over months without intimacy — the pull will be strong.

@redbeard Don't take this the wrong way, I just put myself in your shoes and visualized the possibilities.

This is my opinion.
 

Beaker

Robin
@redbeard

I wouldn’t do as you did, it goes against every common sense. Spending that amount of time with a woman you know nothing about is asking for trouble. Our brains don’t work when we’re thinking about sex, you’d have to be a monk to be able to vet her, and even monks don't allow women around them. Usually we’d just be thinking about getting her in bed, and it’s her father that would be the brick wall there to prevent it - showing us her value.

Women are also known to change their beliefs, this is why it’s her father that you count on, his faith, his rearing of her, not her directly.

I guess I’m saying that I can’t trust my judgment of her, her beauty makes that impossible, but I can judge her father.
 

Beaker

Robin
You can’t compare women to men because we’re the providers, it’s them that have much to gain and have been known to lie for that gain. The ‘equality’ mindset of ‘if I came independently to the faith she could have too’ is flawed. Men and women are very different.

I’m now realizing I couldn’t trust a woman convert. This is the train of thought, nothing is set in stone but it's worth pondering. I'll certainly do more of that over the coming days.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Gold Member
You can’t compare women to men because we’re the providers, it’s them that have much to gain and have been known to lie for that gain. The ‘equality’ mindset of ‘if I came independently to the faith she could have too’ is flawed. Men and women are very different.

I’m now realizing I couldn’t trust a woman convert. This is the train of thought, nothing is set in stone but it's worth pondering. I'll certainly do more of that over the coming days.
Beaker I've read your five posts and I still have no idea what point you're trying to convey. It seems you've been burned in the past by women and are keeping your guard up to help prevent the same thing from happening again.
 

SlickyBoy

Hummingbird
In the early stages, did you pick up on any red flags?
Not saying this to be a jerk, I'm genuinely curious - were there things that in the end did not take away from the overall picture?
Obviously if so, they weren't serious, you married her. But for the guys out there instantly rejecting a girl over one red flag, this could be a teaching point.

Nice job, BTW.
 

jarlo

Woodpecker
In the early stages, did you pick up on any red flags?
Not saying this to be a jerk, I'm genuinely curious - were there things that in the end did not take away from the overall picture?
Obviously if so, they weren't serious, you married her. But for the guys out there instantly rejecting a girl over one red flag, this could be a teaching point.

Nice job, BTW.

To add on this question - did you date/go on dates with any other women who you didn't end up pursuing further, and if so, why did things end with them?
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Gold Member
In the early stages, did you pick up on any red flags?
Not saying this to be a jerk, I'm genuinely curious - were there things that in the end did not take away from the overall picture?
Obviously if so, they weren't serious, you married her. But for the guys out there instantly rejecting a girl over one red flag, this could be a teaching point.

Nice job, BTW.
Great question and one I've been drafting for a few days.

The short answer is yes, there were red flags, because I live in America. It's extremely unlikely that you'll find a girl in America that has zero red flags, especially when you know how to sniff them out like we can. That's just the state of our fallen nation.

The challenge is on us to discern if...

a. A girls' positive traits outweigh her negatives
b. She recognizes the error in her ways

a. Pros > cons

This is difficult to determine since there are so many factors at play. I know I struggled with it. To best make this decision, I recommend listing out all of the positive traits of the girl. For guys like us who have "sowed our wild oats," it's easy for us to get stuck in abundance mindset and think, "meh, I can always find better!" When you're just dating for sex, sure, you might be able to. But if you're looking for a faithful girl to rear your children? Good luck.

That's why I think it's a smart exercise to go through and list her positive traits. It'll stop you from taking advantage of her strengths, and make you recognize what a catch you've found...and if you can't write out much, she might not be the one.

For me, once I realized how great of a catch I landed, it was a no-brainer to toss a ring on it. There are few God-fearing (not just following!) women in this country, so if you find one that's interested in you, who's also young & open to marriage? Go for it. As long as she has...

b. True contrition

Everyone makes mistakes, but the way to see if her red flags are actually yellow flags is if she can recognize what she did wrong, and have true contrition. A woman like this will see what went wrong, and warn others against doing the same.

Without airing her dirty laundry, let me share an example. My wife's parents are divorced. Well, guess what? Mine are too, as well as the parents of ~40% of the nation.

Does that mean I should dump her immediately? No way.

Does this mean she doesn't know what a healthy household looks like? Possibly. What it does mean is that she doesn't have that example by default. Therefore it's on me to make the call if she has a positive outlook on family or not.

From my research, I found that my wife noticed the flaws in her parents' marriage and seeks to correct them. She legitimately *hates* divorce. We've spent hours discussing what we want the household to look like, and I now have the utmost confidence that our home is going to be epic. However, I only have that confidence because we've spoken so much about this, and I know that she's not just parroting catchphrases she reads on the internet. Plus, we have married friends who provide great examples for us.

So if you have a girl who has a red flag or two, see how she feels about it. If she has student loans, ask her if she'd send her daughters to college to do the same. You should be able to figure out pretty quickly if she's real or not.

~~~

Lastly, it's worthwhile remembering that if you're a survivor of the RVF 1.0, it's likely you have a laundry list of red flags as well. I am still surprised that my wife wants to be with me considering all of the stupid things she knows I've done.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Gold Member
To add on this question - did you date/go on dates with any other women who you didn't end up pursuing further, and if so, why did things end with them?
Obviously I dated back when I was a fornicator, which I stopped doing in 2018. After that I kept talking to girls, on apps and in real life, but I never went on any dates. Not one. There were a few "Catholic" girls on the apps, but I quickly found out they were of the "raised Catholic" denomination and not practicing in any way shape or form.

Funny story. There was one girl that I started to pursue at church. I saw her around a bit so she seemed fairly orthodox. She was also incredibly good-looking, so when I bumped into her at a social event, I was beyond excited to shoot my shot. However after 10-15 minutes of conversation, she unveiled that she was 21 with a 5 year old son. Next! Even though I wrote that long post above...having a son is a definite RED flag.

So tl;dr, no, I didn't date any other girls besides my wife. For a while there was a part of me that thought, "hmm, maybe you should go date other Church girls before settling down." But I quickly realized that was Satan trying to pull me away from a true catch.
 
Great question and one I've been drafting for a few days.

The short answer is yes, there were red flags, because I live in America. It's extremely unlikely that you'll find a girl in America that has zero red flags, especially when you know how to sniff them out like we can. That's just the state of our fallen nation.

The challenge is on us to discern if...

a. A girls' positive traits outweigh her negatives
b. She recognizes the error in her ways

a. Pros > cons

This is difficult to determine since there are so many factors at play. I know I struggled with it. To best make this decision, I recommend listing out all of the positive traits of the girl. For guys like us who have "sowed our wild oats," it's easy for us to get stuck in abundance mindset and think, "meh, I can always find better!" When you're just dating for sex, sure, you might be able to. But if you're looking for a faithful girl to rear your children? Good luck.

That's why I think it's a smart exercise to go through and list her positive traits. It'll stop you from taking advantage of her strengths, and make you recognize what a catch you've found...and if you can't write out much, she might not be the one.

For me, once I realized how great of a catch I landed, it was a no-brainer to toss a ring on it. There are few God-fearing (not just following!) women in this country, so if you find one that's interested in you, who's also young & open to marriage? Go for it. As long as she has...

b. True contrition

Everyone makes mistakes, but the way to see if her red flags are actually yellow flags is if she can recognize what she did wrong, and have true contrition. A woman like this will see what went wrong, and warn others against doing the same.

Without airing her dirty laundry, let me share an example. My wife's parents are divorced. Well, guess what? Mine are too, as well as the parents of ~40% of the nation.

Does that mean I should dump her immediately? No way.

Does this mean she doesn't know what a healthy household looks like? Possibly. What it does mean is that she doesn't have that example by default. Therefore it's on me to make the call if she has a positive outlook on family or not.

From my research, I found that my wife noticed the flaws in her parents' marriage and seeks to correct them. She legitimately *hates* divorce. We've spent hours discussing what we want the household to look like, and I now have the utmost confidence that our home is going to be epic. However, I only have that confidence because we've spoken so much about this, and I know that she's not just parroting catchphrases she reads on the internet. Plus, we have married friends who provide great examples for us.

So if you have a girl who has a red flag or two, see how she feels about it. If she has student loans, ask her if she'd send her daughters to college to do the same. You should be able to figure out pretty quickly if she's real or not.

~~~

Lastly, it's worthwhile remembering that if you're a survivor of the RVF 1.0, it's likely you have a laundry list of red flags as well. I am still surprised that my wife wants to be with me considering all of the stupid things she knows I've done.

Did you share a lot of things from your past with your wife (past conquests, numbers, etc...) or did you keep it secret?

I am wondering myself what the best option is :
- be fully transparent
- be honest about your past without going into details (straight forward but short and concise)
- stay vague
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Did you share a lot of things from your past with your wife (past conquests, numbers, etc...) or did you keep it secret?

I am wondering myself what the best option is :
- be fully transparent
- be honest about your past without going into details (straight forward but short and concise)
- stay vague
#2. I told her enough details that she knows who I am & what to expect, but I did not tell her everything. She knows I was heavily involved in the travel/pickup life and that I slept around for a while. She knows my involvement with the RVF & Roosh and we even watch his streams together.

However she does NOT know numbers or any of the R-rated details, becuase that wouldn't add much to her life. If anything it would burden her knowing the extent of my sin. She knows I'm guilty and that's all that matters.

My priest told me to remember that your wife is not the confessional. She doesn't need to know every detail of every sin.

If you're considering staying vague, I'd advise against it. You're going to be with this woman for the rest of your life, so it's crucial that you set yourself up for long term success by telling her pertinent details about your past. If not, it could come back to bite you.

Imagine if you get married, and years later, she finds out that you were a serial fornicator, and freaks out for whatever reason. That would crush your relationship and put you in a seriously difficult situation.

Or maybe you made some bad financial decisions. Pretend you did some shady business practices in the past, and the IRS comes knocking at your door. If she had no idea what you were up to, she could panic and leave. But if you're open up front, you could avoid that drama completely.

On the other hand, there are certainly benefits to being (prudently) open about your past. Let's pretend you struggle with porn & masturbation, and share it with your wife. As long as you're transparent and show that you're trying to change, she'll probably want to help you. You can talk to her about it and even gain a bit of accountability.
 

Beaker

Robin
Beaker I've read your five posts and I still have no idea what point you're trying to convey. It seems you've been burned in the past by women and are keeping your guard up to help prevent the same thing from happening again.

We're in a period of social and political decline; because women mirror society they’ll have the traits of this society. Getting with a woman like that will turn you into a revolutionary, just like the Jews and Protestants, who are really one and the same. If you think there is any sort of chronic unfairness in the world or a lack of completeness in your beliefs, you become revolutionary, which essence both Protestantism and Judaism carry - imperfect and incomplete religions. Guess who else feels lacking and incomplete? Damaged women, who today are the majority.

If you cannot find that girl who has a strong Catholic or Orthodox father you’re better off waiting, that's what I was trying to convey. In the search for Logos you can't have a woman that wants to turn you into a man that takes part in the world.
 
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Beaker

Robin
I see what you're saying and I disagree.

However, let's not de-rail the thread.

I see that you don't want the thread derailed, but I have to ask, if her family isn't there to provide the reinforcement, what will happen when an event occurs that shakes your faith?

I think you'll agree that having people close to her that have faith will influence positively and help protect against the world's shaking events, and we will have many.

It's just something to think about, women need community and become what they're around. It would be unfortunate to have to isolate her from her family if they choose a position that causes conflict.

When you're going against the cultural wave these things are bound to happen. Stressing the importance of family is not bad thing, it's something worth touching on.

I hope you understand my position a little better now, it really isn't out of a lack of forgiveness or acceptance of converts, but about pointing out that we're in a very tough cultural position and that faith is not easy to keep today, especially for women.
 

RoadKill

Sparrow
@Beaker. As much as I advise men to avoid marriage and be content with bachelorhood, it's bad manners, and bad form to poo-poo on a newlywed's thread. When I see young men who are engaged or recently married, I simply store my negative thoughts on marriage and relationships and wish them well. I encourage you to do the same. A newlywed doesn't need doubt sowed into his brain during the honeymoon phase.

Redbeard-
Congratulations. I wish you and your new wife well in your marriage. Do your best to nurture her and lead her. May she bless you with children and fill your heart with joy.

I also recommend a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Elderichs. It is by far the best book on communication between men and women.

RK
 

Beaker

Robin
@Beaker. As much as I advise men to avoid marriage and be content with bachelorhood, it's bad manners, and bad form to poo-poo on a newlywed's thread. When I see young men who are engaged or recently married, I simply store my negative thoughts on marriage and relationships and wish them well. I encourage you to do the same. A newlywed doesn't need doubt sowed into his brain during the honeymoon phase.

Redbeard-
Congratulations. I wish you and your new wife well in your marriage. Do your best to nurture her and lead her. May she bless you with children and fill your heart with joy.

I also recommend a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Elderichs. It is by far the best book on communication between men and women.

RK

Marriage is a great thing, and I congratulated @redbeard. Once members started asking more in depth questions and the details emerged this is just a concern that arose.
 

Serie A1

Woodpecker
@redbeard, a serious question: a lot of guys on this forum will be trying to get closer to God after living less-than-saintly lifestyles. Accordingly, they may suffer from a lack of confidence in their dealings with a better class of woman because they feel that they are now playing out of their league.

Is this something that you experienced, and if so, how did you transcend these emotions?
 
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