I Got Married

This thread is inspiring.

I have gotten a lot of cute attention from light skinned Hispanic women in the past.
I just never pursued them. But, I'm going the Eastern Orthodox route and at my parish there's not really any women I can meet here which is fine. I mean, I'm not actively searching for any women currently either... Kinda in a rebuilding stage of my life , but my it's in the back of my mind.

Thank you for sharing @redbeard . Msu God bless your marriage and may y'all have many children.
 
Good luck with the marriage.

One of my favorite movies about how a relationship should work between a woman and man is Rob Roy.


This movie is well worth watching and one of my favorites though I pan the main stars sh_tlib politics.
 
Poor Chinese Man Finds A Slavic Love

A beautiful and inspirational true story of a Chinese coalminer, a man of humble station in life, who found love and marriage with a pretty Slavic woman...

bride1-e1490909567970.jpg

"It wasn’t so long until Sophia left her job and decided to live with Jinyang, the two were settled in mining housing, This is not the most ideal living environment for a couple but, they had the necessities baths and toilets. the only thing is they are just outside with the rodents and frogs. It did not bother Sophia and she even says i was that this was the happiest she has ever been. After a year and a half of dating the Newlyweds had simple ceremony in the city of Heihe in the Heilongjiang province."

 

Nascimento

Ostrich
Gold Member
Congratulations Redbeard! Wishing you the best of luck and joy in your marriage.

As you noted, it's really something to see how much of a difference time can make in our perspective. I've been around the forum a bit longer than you and my approach to dating back then was more or less the norm for those days too, certainly a 180 from how it is today.

I haven't posted much, but I have had some thoughts recently on long-term relationships in this context, and this seems like the right place to share. It's an extension of this part of the OP here:

I wish I had some earth-shattering tips to share about how to meet a nice church girl. I don't. The truth is that we met exactly as Roosh describes in his recent article Do You Deserve A Good Woman:

Hindsight and a new perspective has shown me now that I did come across a few good women over the years. But I was blind to them. And yet I asked myself, where are these good girls.

In short, I learned that truthfully you have to be that kind of man yourself to deserve them. Because they will either filter themselves out, or you will do the same to them, wilfully blind and only realizing later on what you passed up on.

Currently I'm in a relationship of some sorts, long distance in some way given the current situation. We met this summer. While my approach wasn't Christian, our relationship has been much more traditional than anything I've had. It wasn't lust that sparked it. It wasn't the most effective approach to sex that got it going. Predominantly, it's been about getting to know each other. The handful of times we've been together have been more about walks and coffee dates. And the times I've had her over for dinner have genuinely been so we can spend time together rather than as a convenient means of getting intimate. I haven't forced any of this; it's been quite natural, and we're on the same page. We've developed feelings for each other without depending on intimacy, which is entirely new to me.

As I've said this hasn't been a Christian approach but the fact it's closer to a traditional model means a lot to me, as for many years it was something else, and while it led to some relationships, I didn't ever have much certainty about that approach. Now, I feel more certain about my way than ever before. I can't say for sure of course where this particular relationship will lead, but I am happy about my mindset now and more sure of my approach. For me this is a big step forward in getting more out of relationships, and being a more honest person.

As a final note about this particular relationship. Quite interestingly, we are both Catholic and we do already have a foundation in our faith. It could however be much stronger. Personally I am exploring it more and more. I'm happy to see she has good family values, goes to church alone. I don't think it's pure coincidence that I came across someone compatible and on the same page at this time, considering my shift in perspective has been over a year in the making, and in some respects much longer than that.

So back to the point from earlier – I really can't emphasize enough how much I agree that you really have to be a "good" man yourself to attract the same in a woman. This is so important. For so long, I attracted the kind of girl into my life that wanted the same thing – pleasure, excitement, instant gratification, above all else. And I was blind to a few women that I would consider good today, which hindsight shows me I missed.

I didn't go into that part about myself because this rant is long enough, and without a doubt there is still so much I have to learn and work on to be closer to what I would consider a good man. But I'm happy with my progress so far, and look forward to continuing in this direction.
 
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Ok I'll chime in on this post. I've been lurking a good while on this forum now. I haven't really posted.
First, congratulations on your marriage Redbird. It is an inspiration for me hearing about a successful marriage. I'll try to keep it short.
I'm cradle catholic.
My last ex, I lived with her, thought I was gonna get married, obviously didn't work.
Tried running game, sometimes worked, sometimes didn't, but I'm very faithful to God, so I always have a guilty conscience.
I am 30yrs old, live in a small town. Now if I do find a girl I will do it correctly by courting.
That being said, there is a girl that goes to my parish.
Lives with her parents, seems devout, I've talked to her a few times, she's more of an acquaintance than anything.
She is 19. Would i just invite her to a coffee after church, or just go ahead and ask the father to court her?
 
Ok I'll chime in on this post. I've been lurking a good while on this forum now. I haven't really posted.
First, congratulations on your marriage Redbird. It is an inspiration for me hearing about a successful marriage. I'll try to keep it short.
I'm cradle catholic.
My last ex, I lived with her, thought I was gonna get married, obviously didn't work.
Tried running game, sometimes worked, sometimes didn't, but I'm very faithful to God, so I always have a guilty conscience.
I am 30yrs old, live in a small town. Now if I do find a girl I will do it correctly by courting.
That being said, there is a girl that goes to my parish.
Lives with her parents, seems devout, I've talked to her a few times, she's more of an acquaintance than anything.
She is 19. Would i just invite her to a coffee after church, or just go ahead and ask the father to court her?

From what i've read/heard about courtship, before asking the father to court his daughter, you should be "friends" with the daughter first. I believe this is about a month to two months time. This means you both should know a decent amount about each other. If you believe you know her enough, then yes, ask the father permission to start a courtship with his daughter. If you feel you still need to learn a little more about her before embarking on courtship, then the coffee date may be a good idea in order to get a final "feel" of her personality before asking her dad for permission.
 
From what i've read/heard about courtship, before asking the father to court his daughter, you should be "friends" with the daughter first. I believe this is about a month to two months time. This means you both should know a decent amount about each other. If you believe you know her enough, then yes, ask the father permission to start a courtship with his daughter. If you feel you still need to learn a little more about her before embarking on courtship, then the coffee date may be a good idea in order to get a final "feel" of her personality before asking her dad for permission.


That is something I need work on. Working out the friendship first and treating her as a sister in Christ.
So I know I'm not ready to take that courtship stage yet. Like I mentioned she is just an acquaintance, that I've been courteous to for a fee years.

On a somewhat related note, is it ever a good idea to show interest in a woman when she is working?
 

Serie A1

Robin
Ok I'll chime in on this post. I've been lurking a good while on this forum now. I haven't really posted.
First, congratulations on your marriage Redbird. It is an inspiration for me hearing about a successful marriage. I'll try to keep it short.
I'm cradle catholic.
My last ex, I lived with her, thought I was gonna get married, obviously didn't work.
Tried running game, sometimes worked, sometimes didn't, but I'm very faithful to God, so I always have a guilty conscience.
I am 30yrs old, live in a small town. Now if I do find a girl I will do it correctly by courting.
That being said, there is a girl that goes to my parish.
Lives with her parents, seems devout, I've talked to her a few times, she's more of an acquaintance than anything.
She is 19. Would i just invite her to a coffee after church, or just go ahead and ask the father to court her?

Key questions: is she attracted to you on a deep level? Do you have any indications that she likes you?

I ask because if you can answer 'yes' to these questions, that will save you an awful lot of hassle in the long term and make the whole experience much more enjoyable.

Plus, just because you live in a small town, it doesn't mean that you have to source your wife from there. Of course, if you want to, that's your choice.
 
Key questions: is she attracted to you on a deep level? Do you have any indications that she likes you?

I ask because if you can answer 'yes' to these questions, that will save you an awful lot of hassle in the long term and make the whole experience much more enjoyable.

Plus, just because you live in a small town, it doesn't mean that you have to source your wife from there. Of course, if you want to, that's your choice.
The answer to those 2 questions is no. As far as indication I would say she may have a physical attraction to me, by her body language, but that is something I do not want to pursue first. As many in this forum, every single woman I've dated I've tried to make the relationship physical.

Some more info, it was easy to date in high school because it was more social.
It just "happened". The mistake I always made in my relationship is turning on the beta/nice guy attitude to 11 after I started dating a girl
 

Serie A1

Robin
That is something I need work on. Working out the friendship first and treating her as a sister in Christ.
So I know I'm not ready to take that courtship stage yet. Like I mentioned she is just an acquaintance, that I've been courteous to for a fee years.

On a somewhat related note, is it ever a good idea to show interest in a woman when she is working?

If you've known her for a few years and nothing has happened, then that may not be the best sign.

What's the longest conversation you've ever had with her, and what was the principal topic that you discussed?
 
If you've known her for a few years and nothing has happened, then that may not be the best sign.

What's the longest conversation you've ever had with her, and what was the principal topic that you discussed?
Well in all honesty I never gave her the time of day in the past because she was under 18. I live in Texas, and they don't mess around with that kind of thing.
My conversations have always been a few minutes long after mass has finished. As she leaves to go home with her parents, it's never very long.
 

Serie A1

Robin
Well in all honesty I never gave her the time of day in the past because she was under 18. I live in Texas, and they don't mess around with that kind of thing.
My conversations have always been a few minutes long after mass has finished. As she leaves to go home with her parents, it's never very long.

1. In the last year or so, have the conversations been restricted to just pleasantries (the weather, performance of the local sports team(s)) or have you ever chatted about something more substantial?

2. Do you know her parents well? Do they seem like good people? This is important to determine because if she is close to them, then you could be spending a lot of time in their company.

3. Re: whether it is a good idea or not to show interest in a woman who is working, that completely depends on the working environment, social context and the woman in question. There are too many factors at play to generalise meaningfully. But I wouldn't necessarily rule it out, not at all.
 
1. In the last year or so, have the conversations been restricted to just pleasantries (the weather, performance of the local sports team(s)) or have you ever chatted about something more substantial?

2. Do you know her parents well? Do they seem like good people? This is important to determine because if she is close to them, then you could be spending a lot of time in their company.

3. Re: whether it is a good idea or not to show interest in a woman who is working, that completely depends on the working environment, social context and the woman in question. There are too many factors at play to generalise meaningfully. But I wouldn't necessarily rule it out, not at all.

1. This last year because of Covid, has not been good for talking with her at all. So unfortunately it has been restricted to just pleasantries, normal small talk. We've talked more in past years as we were both catechists at our parish, but I kept it professional, brotherly and platonic, because of age, during that time she would look to me for direction.

2. Yes her parents are devout Catholics, rather large family, they're Mexican like I am, so the family dynamic is pretty strong there.
I've always got along pretty well with them.

3. Ok this was the response I was kind of already expecting. That being said probably an avenue I won't be taking, since I've never had much luck in the past. The last woman I was with, the one I lived with, well I was a manager at Sonic, and she was a carhop... I know.... don't sh*t where you work.
That relationship taught me that I cannot do my own thing. Like I mentioned earlier, in the friendship phase, I generated attraction (or they were already attracted) and asking them out was easy, i cant explain how it happened. But my nature to provide and commit turned me into a huge beta afterwards.
 

Serie A1

Robin
1. This last year because of Covid, has not been good for talking with her at all. So unfortunately it has been restricted to just pleasantries, normal small talk. We've talked more in past years as we were both catechists at our parish, but I kept it professional, brotherly and platonic, because of age, during that time she would look to me for direction.

2. Yes her parents are devout Catholics, rather large family, they're Mexican like I am, so the family dynamic is pretty strong there.
I've always got along pretty well with them.


3. Ok this was the response I was kind of already expecting. That being said probably an avenue I won't be taking, since I've never had much luck in the past. The last woman I was with, the one I lived with, well I was a manager at Sonic, and she was a carhop... I know.... don't sh*t where you work.
That relationship taught me that I cannot do my own thing. Like I mentioned earlier, in the friendship phase, I generated attraction (or they were already attracted) and asking them out was easy, i cant explain how it happened. But my nature to provide and commit turned me into a huge beta afterwards.

From what you say, it does seem like there is the foundation of something between you guys, because of the presence of mutual respect. Plus, the fact that you know and get on with her family is an enormous plus.

Pray to God for guidance and cultivate a state of being ultra-conscientious. Then, if it seems like the right thing to do, advance.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
@redbeard, a serious question: a lot of guys on this forum will be trying to get closer to God after living less-than-saintly lifestyles. Accordingly, they may suffer from a lack of confidence in their dealings with a better class of woman because they feel that they are now playing out of their league.

Is this something that you experienced, and if so, how did you transcend these emotions?
Great question and something I wrestled with a bit when I first met my wife.

#1 - Reconciliation. You have to seek God's forgiveness above all. For Catholics, this means you must be committed to the Sacrament of Confession. First by seeking a thorough General Confession and second by regularly going to Confession so that you can honestly and consistently improve yourself spiritually.

Once you're forgiven by God, you won't worry as much about being good enough for women, because you'll know you're good enough in God's eyes. That's confidence.

#2 - Use this as motivation. As I started reading about Christian marriage I noticed one thing over and over - the husband has to be the spiritual leader of the household. If she's spiritually your superior, it's going to be difficult for you to "guide the ship" and keep your family on the straight & narrow.

However, don't let this scare you away from getting married, but use it as a motivator.

Let's compare it to fitness, and say that you'd like to become a Navy S.E.A.L. You know that they have insane fitness standards to join the SEALs, like being able to do 30 pull-ups in a row. Instead of worrying about how many pull-ups you can do today, just focus on doing one more pull-up every single day. It's the same thing with your faith. Just work on improving a little bit every single day, and you'll slowly grow into a better Christian.

At the live talk last year, someone asked Roosh how to find a good wife. He responded that (paraphrasing) "the question isn't, 'how do I find a good girl?' The question is, 'how do I become a good man?'" Keep that in mind when you're struggling against yourself.

#3 - Humility. You have to accept where you are in life and not despair. Yes, many of us here led sinful lives for many years. And yes, there are going to be long-term consequences for our actions. That's the truth, and there's no way around it.

Instead of letting this weigh you down, accept your cross, stay strong, and keep moving forward.

When it comes to humility, it helps me to think about the Annunciation. When the angel Gabriel came down and told Mary she'd be the mother of God, she didn't fight back saying, "b...bu...but I'm not holy enough!" or "b...bu...but I'm scared!" She said "yes," accepted her God-given duty, and got to work. Do the same.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
This thread is inspiring.

I have gotten a lot of cute attention from light skinned Hispanic women in the past.
I just never pursued them. But, I'm going the Eastern Orthodox route and at my parish there's not really any women I can meet here which is fine. I mean, I'm not actively searching for any women currently either... Kinda in a rebuilding stage of my life , but my it's in the back of my mind.

Thank you for sharing @redbeard . Msu God bless your marriage and may y'all have many children.
Thank you. Focus on the faith and God will work everything out for you.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
As a final note about this particular relationship. Quite interestingly, we are both Catholic and we do already have a foundation in our faith. It could however be much stronger. Personally I am exploring it more and more. I'm happy to see she has good family values, goes to church alone. I don't think it's pure coincidence that I came across someone compatible and on the same page at this time, considering my shift in perspective has been over a year in the making, and in some respects much longer than that.
Great to hear from you and I hope you're doing well.

Just remember, shared faith is the foundation of Christian marriage. If you want to marry this girl, you'll have to do it in the Church.

So, hopefully she doesn't go to church alone anymore ;)
 

Feyoder

Woodpecker
They're not of the faith, but they have two qualities that are mission critical

Interesting. How did she become catholic / religious in that case? Purely self-motivated?

A few weeks later I met my future wife...

What a brilliant testament. Thanks.

From my research, I found that my wife noticed the flaws in her parents' marriage and seeks to correct them. She legitimately *hates* divorce. We've spent hours discussing what we want the household to look like, and I now have the utmost confidence that our home is going to be epic.

Just brilliant. Congratulations.
 

redbeard

Hummingbird
Moderator
Ok I'll chime in on this post. I've been lurking a good while on this forum now. I haven't really posted.
First, congratulations on your marriage Redbird. It is an inspiration for me hearing about a successful marriage. I'll try to keep it short.
I'm cradle catholic.
My last ex, I lived with her, thought I was gonna get married, obviously didn't work.
Tried running game, sometimes worked, sometimes didn't, but I'm very faithful to God, so I always have a guilty conscience.
I am 30yrs old, live in a small town. Now if I do find a girl I will do it correctly by courting.
That being said, there is a girl that goes to my parish.
Lives with her parents, seems devout, I've talked to her a few times, she's more of an acquaintance than anything.
She is 19. Would i just invite her to a coffee after church, or just go ahead and ask the father to court her?
Good question. I echo what @Augustus_Principe said. Become friendly with her and then ask her father if you can court her. Be explicit that the intention is to discern marriage together. Take her on a wholesome date and have her home early.

You should probably brush up on what courtship really is. There aren't many resources out there but a good start is Fr. Ripperger's videos on courtship:


and this book, "Clean Love In Courtship:"

Lastly if you're ever questioning what to do, just ask yourself how you would like your reputation to be at the parish. If you take that man's daughter out, what will he say to the other fathers in the church? Will he say that you were a respectable man, or one to avoid? This is one of the benefits of close communities, it acts as a safeguard against inappropriate behavior.

P.S. Please use proper spelling and grammar on the forum.
 
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