I need your advice, long-distance relationship and doubts how start a future family

Saxonia

Pigeon
Protestant
I have reached a difficult point in my life, it's about my relationship and whether I should continue it.
I would like to hear the opinion of others and hope you'll take my text seriously.

Preface:
I am a 31-year-old German man, who lived and worked in South America for half a year a while ago. There I met a woman from Chile (currently 25 years old). She is a very good person, feminine, loyal, educated, very attractive, I can't say anything bad about her. I love her, but some things have to be viewed rational and clean without emotions.
So, you are in love, you don't overthink, you live in the here and now, but someday reality catches up with you. 



We have been in a relationship for a little over two years now. I lived together with her in Chile, but after half a year I had to go back to Germany. She is a student and visited me 3 times for 3 months each in Germany. So despite the distance we spent a lot of time together, probably as much in total in that time span as couples living in the same city. At some point, you ask yourself how the relationship will continue and how to start a family. In my case, there is also the question of where.
Even though I love Chile as a country and the people and would really like to live there, I don't know how we could build a life there without enormous risks. I would have to start a business over there, success questionable. To mention, her family is solid middle class/upper middle class by local standards. Germany would be the safer option, at least for me, as I have my career etc. here.



The financial aspect/profession:
Money isn't everything, but without money, many things are not possible. And to be honest, I just want to create a family in solid circumstances.


Even though many here will see it differently (and I respect that for sure), I can't imagine a stay at home mum. My salary is fine, a bit above average. But that is not enough to finance alone a classical family life with house, garden, children, car(s), hobbies, vacations etc. here in Germany. Single income family households with a good life are very rare here.


She is currently finishing her studies in nutritional sciences. She could get a visa for Germany afterwards, that would be no problem, learn the language and hopefully find a job in her profession. From what I have seen and heard, however, the job market for her profession is not really good in my country, she might have to learn something new. 
She would have to integrate into a new country, which is not a sprint but a marathon and can take a few years. 
Whether all this will be successful and whether she would be happy in Germany at all is questionable.




Genetics/height:
I hate to say that, it feels bad and superficial, but I have to.
There is one more thing that gives me a big stomach ache. When I met her I did not pay attention to this topic, however with the thought of a future family with children (which you want to see happy) the thought has settled in my mind. She is like many people in Latin America very short, 5'1". No problem, there are many women with her height, nothing special even in Germany. What shocked me a bit on my last visit there in October 2021 were her two brothers, which I have not seen in 2 years (one is 16yo, the other one 21yo). Neither are appreciably taller than her, maybe 5'3"-5'4". That scares me a lot when I think of a (maybe) future son, who could inherit the genes from her side.

I wish it were different and it saddens me that it is how it is, but a lot of noticeably short men have a hard time out there, it does not affect short women. The internet is full of sad reports. I personally try to treat every person out there with respect and as it says in the Bible "treat your neighbor as yourself". But the majority of people are not like that and can be very rude. 
In South America, being very short is maybe less of big of a deal, because many people are like that. But in a country like Germany, for example, it's different to walk around as a 5'4" man. On the other hand, she recently told me about a friend who is very unhappy because he has a hard time finding a partner in Chile since he is short. It put me down, I know him, he's a great guy. If he struggles to find a partner in Latin America because of his height, how is that supposed to be in Germany?
You will ask how tall I am: I am fine with my height, average guy 5'10" barefoot. My family is average overall, some a little above average (one of my sisters is 5'9" for example).


I know, she didn't do anything wrong and this topic is out of her control, which makes it even sadder. It's also hard to talk to her about it because I don't want to hurt her or anyone in her family

What's your take on this whole situation?
 

Going strong

Crow
Trad Catholic
Gold Member
Why would Germany be "a safer option" than Chile, though?
How do you picture Germany or Western Europe in ten years? A nice wealthy clean peaceful Christian place, like in the eighties?
South America is a better bet than Western Europe, just bring some good money from Germany and start your German family in Osorno.
 

buja

Woodpecker
"Why would Germany be "a safer option" than Chile, though?"
I'd rather raise kids in Chile than Western Europe. Chile has had a lot of German immigration though the years.
Chances are she would not be happy without her family close by.

Starting and running a business is different but not necessarily difficult as you have advantages as a foreigner.

As far as the height thing goes. I've know plenty of 'tall man/short woman' couple couples whose sons are at least as tall as them.
Just make sure her body is nourished and clean (see Dr. Joel Wallach) and the kid eats quality protein and nutrition.

She is studying "nutrition" however most of what universities teach about nutrition is nonsense such as the fake science of calories (all you have to do is 'burn calories' and you'll be healthy...wrong!), cholesterol is bad for you, eat a balanced diet, etc.

She sounds wonderful!
All the best to you!
 

nathan

Robin
Catholic
My dad is 6' and my mom is close to 5'. My and my siblings are all >6'

Genetics surely plays a role in height but it's not always as obvious as it may appear.

To your main question, I can't really give advice.
 

IM3000

Pelican
I lived and worked in Chile in 2016-2017. The south is beautiful and probably a good place for raising a family. Santiago has to be avoided at all costs, though. Expensive, polluted and ugly. One of the worst places I have ever lived in. And the Chilean Spanish...

I'd say keep an eye on the recent developments. The Haitian immigration, the new president, the Covid tyranny are all things to worry about. That said, Germany has a bunch of problems as well and the future doesn't look too promising. Southern Chile is right now probably already safer than many parts of Germany.

Anyway, this is a very difficult question since leaving your home country is a daunting task. Good luck and God bless.
 

Saxonia

Pigeon
Protestant
I lived and worked in Chile in 2016-2017. The south is beautiful and probably a good place for raising a family. Santiago has to be avoided at all costs, though. Expensive, polluted and ugly. One of the worst places I have ever lived in. And the Chilean Spanish...

I'd say keep an eye on the recent developments. The Haitian immigration, the new president, the Covid tyranny are all things to worry about. That said, Germany has a bunch of problems as well and the future doesn't look too promising. Southern Chile is right now probably already safer than many parts of Germany.

Anyway, this is a very difficult question since leaving your home country is a daunting task. Good luck and God bless.
Her closer family left Santiago last year and moved south because they have a very large family network down there and everything seems to be better as you said. You're right, the south of Chile has one of the most beautiful natural landscapes I've seen so far and I've been around the world a lot.
The Covid situation makes everything even more difficult, especially when you are considering opening a business to finance yourself there. I followed the elections in Chile and the duel between Kast and Boric, the country is very divided (like so many countries).

Thanks for your blessings :)
 

Anomaly

Sparrow
Non-Christian
From the sheer amount of trepidation expressed here, this does not sound good.

Plus, for two years you have been in the modern-day “boyfriend” class, and I believe the longer one is in this wishy-washy, unserious, perennial state, the less likely things will work out.
 

motardpdx

Pigeon
Orthodox
Lets perpetually date each other until we get annoyed, angry, confused, disappointed so we can breakup. Honestly, boyfriend-girlfriend is a retarded concept, completely an excuse NOT to get married. It's either a courtship, set parameters with a fixed date, get married, start a family. Otherwise, forget about it, stay single, serve Christ.
 

OrthoSerb

Robin
Orthodox
I have reached a difficult point in my life, it's about my relationship and whether I should continue it.
I would like to hear the opinion of others and hope you'll take my text seriously.

Preface:
I am a 31-year-old German man, who lived and worked in South America for half a year a while ago. There I met a woman from Chile (currently 25 years old). She is a very good person, feminine, loyal, educated, very attractive, I can't say anything bad about her. I love her, but some things have to be viewed rational and clean without emotions.
So, you are in love, you don't overthink, you live in the here and now, but someday reality catches up with you. 



We have been in a relationship for a little over two years now. I lived together with her in Chile, but after half a year I had to go back to Germany. She is a student and visited me 3 times for 3 months each in Germany. So despite the distance we spent a lot of time together, probably as much in total in that time span as couples living in the same city. At some point, you ask yourself how the relationship will continue and how to start a family. In my case, there is also the question of where.
Even though I love Chile as a country and the people and would really like to live there, I don't know how we could build a life there without enormous risks. I would have to start a business over there, success questionable. To mention, her family is solid middle class/upper middle class by local standards. Germany would be the safer option, at least for me, as I have my career etc. here.

You've laid out your doubts very thoughtfully. Based on what you've said, my personal interpretation is that you are being assailed by fears and want to insure yourself in advance from all negative outcomes or risks. Torpedoing the relationship based on these fears would be the wrong decision. You say you love this woman and she is good and loyal. She also seems to be willing to live in either of the locations you've mentioned. The issue is not that she can't go along or fit in with your initiative or leadership. It's that you are fearful of making any decision to move forward. Breaking up the relationship for this reason doesn't solve anything. It will just ensure that you spend more time trying to readjust to being single again with the lingering feelings of doubt about your decision and guilt about the impact you've had on this woman. Once you manage to move past these thoughts you will then have to set about trying to find precisely what you have already with the only difference being that you'd be taking height or employability into consideration. Height and employability will be easy enough to find, but will you find someone that is genuinely good or loyal to go with that? Can you assume that your aversion to risk will not manifest itself in some other way with the next lady? More importantly, everything you mention is secondary to the values by which you wish to live - you've said nothing about the identity of your family and what you are striving for. Are you clear on this and do your ideals/identity align well with this woman?

The financial aspect/profession:
Money isn't everything, but without money, many things are not possible. And to be honest, I just want to create a family in solid circumstances.


Even though many here will see it differently (and I respect that for sure), I can't imagine a stay at home mum. My salary is fine, a bit above average. But that is not enough to finance alone a classical family life with house, garden, children, car(s), hobbies, vacations etc. here in Germany. Single income family households with a good life are very rare here.


She is currently finishing her studies in nutritional sciences. She could get a visa for Germany afterwards, that would be no problem, learn the language and hopefully find a job in her profession. From what I have seen and heard, however, the job market for her profession is not really good in my country, she might have to learn something new. 
She would have to integrate into a new country, which is not a sprint but a marathon and can take a few years. 
Whether all this will be successful and whether she would be happy in Germany at all is questionable.



Given the direction of travel, those of us who want to start families have to try to disabuse ourselves of thinking that we are going to be living the classical family life from a number of decades ago. If you want to bring forth fruit it will take sacrifice. You will not in good conscience be able to send your children to regular schools and assume that they will just emerge mentally and spiritually intact. Two working parents is a guarantee that you will export a significant part of raising your children to the state and wider society with all the negative repercussions. If you value your children more than luxuries and novelties you will have to make difficult decisions to forgo things that are nice but non-essential. Instead of going on a beach holiday to the Caribbean you can settle for a holiday within the country you are living in, for example. We can't have everything, at some point we are forced to prioritise one thing over another. That's not to say your future wife can't do any work outside of being a stay at home mum during periods when she is not heavily pregnant or nursing very young children. In this day and age there are multiple opportunities for intelligent and motivated people to generate an income stream whilst working remotely on a part-time basis. Or alternatively working on a part-time basis in the local area so that there are no large commutes or politics relating to climbing the career ladder. If you love each other and are sacrificing for the same vision you can have a future in either Germany or Chile. But if you want to have a normal family, having a wife with a full time career that mirrors yours is out of the question. Trying to emulate what the popular culture is doing is a recipe for failure.

Genetics/height:
I hate to say that, it feels bad and superficial, but I have to.
There is one more thing that gives me a big stomach ache. When I met her I did not pay attention to this topic, however with the thought of a future family with children (which you want to see happy) the thought has settled in my mind. She is like many people in Latin America very short, 5'1". No problem, there are many women with her height, nothing special even in Germany. What shocked me a bit on my last visit there in October 2021 were her two brothers, which I have not seen in 2 years (one is 16yo, the other one 21yo). Neither are appreciably taller than her, maybe 5'3"-5'4". That scares me a lot when I think of a (maybe) future son, who could inherit the genes from her side.

I wish it were different and it saddens me that it is how it is, but a lot of noticeably short men have a hard time out there, it does not affect short women. The internet is full of sad reports. I personally try to treat every person out there with respect and as it says in the Bible "treat your neighbor as yourself". But the majority of people are not like that and can be very rude. 
In South America, being very short is maybe less of big of a deal, because many people are like that. But in a country like Germany, for example, it's different to walk around as a 5'4" man. On the other hand, she recently told me about a friend who is very unhappy because he has a hard time finding a partner in Chile since he is short. It put me down, I know him, he's a great guy. If he struggles to find a partner in Latin America because of his height, how is that supposed to be in Germany?
You will ask how tall I am: I am fine with my height, average guy 5'10" barefoot. My family is average overall, some a little above average (one of my sisters is 5'9" for example).


I know, she didn't do anything wrong and this topic is out of her control, which makes it even sadder. It's also hard to talk to her about it because I don't want to hurt her or anyone in her family. What's your take on this whole situation?
I don't begrudge you bringing this up, in fact it shows some honesty and willingness to openly confront things. I don't think height is irrelevant and I can understand preferring a taller wife. That said, you are where you are. You've already pair bonded with this woman, you were/are clearly attracted to her. That should be enough from a physical perspective. Doing a box-ticking exercise for nice to haves years later is just a manifestation of fear. You seem to want to secure yourself from all negative outcomes and not take any risks. At some point you have to leave things in the hands of God. If he grants you children, you will be praying for all aspects of their well-being because there are very few things you can guarantee or secure in advance. You can pray that he gives your sons as much height as they need to get through life. Even more so you should pray for their physical health and that they acquire a life of prayer and humility.

As other posters have mentioned, you would have avoided this difficult period if you had not approached this as a modern relationship from the start. You're essentially trying to go through the thought process which corresponds to the courting phase after you've lived as man and wife. Its all back to front. I see you're a Protestant so this may not be an option that's open to you, but my advice to an Orthodox individual would be to confess your fears to a priest. He won't be able to make the decisions and take the risks for you, but a good one will help support you and guide you through the difficult process. Alternatively if you have any experienced and wise older males you are close to, seek their advice. This period, whilst difficult in the short-term, will hopefully be beneficial in the long-term. Its forcing your fears and weaknesses out into the open in order so that you can confront them and move beyond them. You are having to think with greater clarity about that which really matters in life in order to bring forth fruits.
 
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Saxonia

Pigeon
Protestant
First of all I want to thank all of you for your answers and words :like: especially @OrthoSerb for your long and thorough text, I carefully read every line.
Based on what you've said, my personal interpretation is that you are being assailed by fears and want to insure yourself in advance from all negative outcomes or risks.
You sum it up very well and I agree with you. Fear of making a momentous mistake is prevalent in my mind on the whole subject. I also agree with the previous speakers on the point of modern relationships, but unfortunately now I'm in such a situation.

If there are other users who have an opinion on this, I would be very grateful, I like to listen to different views.
 
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