Do you mind saying what country you live in? Here in the U.S. I find it incredibly hard (as in, you need to be willing to cough the money up yourself) to get an official diagnosis as an adult.This seems to be a bit in my lane. This past August, I, well into adulthood, was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. I had been telling my family that something was off about me for decades and after my sister suggested it as a possibility, I went for a series of tests to confirm it. The reason I suspected is at 40, I had never had a boyfriend. I didn't have any close friends, even at college. Unless I was related to either the bride or groom or they went to my parents' church, I never got invited to wedding. I used to go to a largish young adult Bible Study for years and didn't get invited to a single wedding.
However, I was an incredible stickler for the rules while in K-12 and did well in classes, while I floundered in a far less structured college. Here are a few of my takes:
1) As difficult as autistic kids can be, I do think a lot of parents throw their hands up and give up. I read a story about a single mother that allows her 9 year old son to be "home schooled" by his 19 year old sister, even though he is one of the few students that is able to physically attend school. Because the child demanded it and the mother has no spine, he gets to stay home too, eventhough he needed in person learning. Cousin of a cousin of my mine has be diagnosed with autism and his parents leave him mostly to his own devices, with only some help from his school. So he calls everyone multiple times, turning him into a nuisance. I have suggested to get him in touch with a counselor to develop better coping skills and even sent a phone number. My mother was also pretty frustrated with me and had the added of responsibility of looking after her 4 youngest siblings, so she would handle it wrong when I had a meltdown. I don't know a ton about my dad's relationship with my grandfather, but it sounded like he was pretty strict, which is why he became so successful.
2) Lockdowns aren't helping. Turns out it is a pretty bad idea have kids stare at a screen for hours at a time. I go to a clinic of sorts that treats brain functions and memory, and because it is mostly computer games, the kids aren't returning because they can't take anymore screen time. If teachers aren't willing to teach the kids in person, they should have their salaries cut since they are no longer doing classroom management or they should be fired altogether.
3) Sounds like the schools weren't doing that great before lockdowns. I have been reading that recess are getting cut shorter. The one thing that can make a kid more manageable, is being pushed aside and looks like the schools are requiring a lot of woke bullshit in the curriculum. If the kids got funded instead the schools, maybe resource would be used to better help these kids cope.
4) I have told my sister this, but don't get lax with any standards. I am not saying don't help these kids reach deadlines and manage their time better, but never let ADHD and Autism be an excuse. However, do give them extra help to deal with the world. Rarely will they "figure it out," and if they are anything like me, they won't be able to create a support system outside of family. I didn't have any group friends in college, I barely had a single friend. So will everyone else had people to study and socialize with, I couldn't connect with anyone.