Is infatuation needed for a long-term successful relationship/marriage?

Sparks are great. I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying sparks greater than I could imagine in the past. But the relationship didn’t last long. Sparks aren’t sustainable.

When choosing your wife it is very much an objective decision, like buying a house. Yes emotion is involved obviously, but not the infatuation you speak of. She must be someone you can live with comfortably day to day and enjoy being with. Infatuation blinds you from determining this. Simple test when analyzing a girl - take away the horniness and see what’s left. A lot of times the answer is “not much” for a girl you’re infatuated with.

Beyond this if you’re unsure about someone just remember that only God can find you a wife and when you know you’ll know.
Yeah, I hear they last for around 6 months to 2 years or so.

Yeah, that’s a good test. I’ll have to try that out more intentionally next time. It’s hard to take the blinders off.

You’re right about that.
 
I always thought infatuation is a temporary mental sickness. I had it in the distant past.
When it wears off, you cannot believe the things you did while under the influence of this dangerous drug.

Now, I see it as a necessary evil, IF it leads to marriage. If the couple marries while still under the spell, then it's served its purpose.
But everyone postpones marriage nowadays and they seek out the next partner with whom to experience the same feeling.
Yeah, it’s like it’s intertwined with the secular understanding of love since we live in a godless society. I can see the pros of it if it leads to marriage, butni even hear that it wears off in marriage and becomes more of a quiet fire rather than a raging obsessive fire like infatuation.
 
It lasts about two years or less so clearly no successful marriage was built on it.

I think a lot of people reject good matches and end up spinsters, or destroy good marriages, by chasing that Disney spark.
What would you say is a “good match” so as to help when the blinders of infatuation are on?
 
At this point I'm like everything that heightens emotions be careful with that. Before you know it you've become a slave to some kind of materialistic or emotional spark, whether it's love or an apartment or whatever. Fun fact that someone stated here or I read in a research is that people with pre arranged marriages often find love and long term fulfillment after marrying and not so much beforehand. I think this is partly because of cultural expectations, you just marry once and that's it, but also because being together for a longer period breeds commonality and safety. In a healthy society these things are appreciated and will have positive, calming effects on people. Sadly our society is the complete opposite and long term loyalty, love and care for each other are being looked down upon and laughed at as old fashioned and boring. No wonder this has resulted in endless divorce rates, broken families, distracted and confused and unhappy people (and as we know it was all by (((design))) ).
 

Zagor

Woodpecker
It's probably not needed, but I don't see anything wrong with it. You just need to be careful that it doesn't blind you to serious red flags. And also keep in mind that it will fade and that it's normal. Don't chase infatuation.
 
Ferrari or Toyota Camry in the garage? A glowing fire or a lukewarm radiator in the bedroom?
An Old Christian dilemma when choosing a wife.

To understand the solution, first, you have to know yourself.
You are, spirit, soul, and body. Let's say for simplicity, you are a dual person.
Heart and mind. Unconsciousness (instinct) and consciousness (thinking).
All we are doing and deciding is a result of our heart and mind. (and to some extent, circumstances and habit, and last but not least, the omnipotent God)


And now, for example, we have met some woman. In the very first seconds, we know immediately by our inner instinct if we like that woman if we are attracted to her. The same with food or anything else. Your instinct is telling you instantly if the food tastes good or not.

That instinctive liking or not liking, you cannot change it.
You can suppress it with your mind, and you should if your instinct is driving you to danger or disaster, but that instinctive information is still inside.
So what now with our internal battle? First, stop fighting yourself.
Instead, use your heart and mind in the cooperation for good. For your good. (and others too if possible).
Preferably start making deals with your heart and mind. Listen to both.
Make both satisfied. Of course, with God's Word as a final authority and checklist.

Ok, back to women. When choosing a wife, satisfy your instinct and your rational mind simultaneously. Don't pick up that hot super attractive chick, to whom you are attracted naturally when your mind is screaming, stop fool, red flags everywhere.
But don't choose that probably a pious woman too, with your mind, when there is zero physical attractivity.

It is a big mistake entering marriage, only to fulfill sexual desire because it will fade somewhat later though flaws will remain.
But it is also a mistake to marry a spouse to whom you never were attracted because it will never come later.
(And you will be tempted all your life to engage in sin with other women.)
We are born with preferences.

Marriage is not about sex, but successful marriage cannot be without.
You have a body and you are pulled instinctively to certain women.
You can't change that with your mind. You can't deceive yourself.

But the final decision should be validated with mind and God's word.
And you have to pray for it. A woman from God will be in line with your heart and mind.
 

MajorStyles

Pelican
Yeah, I know it will fade over time. I just haven't ever been in a relationship long enough for that to wear off if that makes sense. So I have no idea what the experience is like. I'm definitely physically attracted to the person I'm thinking about when I post this, but, the spark isn't there weirdly enough. What is your experience regarding this?

Interesting. From my experience, it means that the traditional male-female dynamic is not being honored. Either the woman is holding on to a feminist narrative(s) and is, therefore, impeding the natural flow. Or, the man is holding on to an equalist narrative and is unable to assume his position of patriarchal headship. Also, a combination of both is possible.

With a mutual physical attraction and a traditional dynamic at play, it should be all systems go...
 
Interesting. From my experience, it means that the traditional male-female dynamic is not being honored. Either the woman is holding on to a feminist narrative(s) and is, therefore, impeding the natural flow. Or, the man is holding on to an equalist narrative and is unable to assume his position of patriarchal headship. Also, a combination of both is possible.

With a mutual physical attraction and a traditional dynamic at play, it should be all systems go...
Could you explain what you mean here a bit more? I don’t think I totally understand.

I get that traditional marriage is the ideal. But, what does that have to do with the “spark.” Are you saying it’s not even important if the traditional dynamic is being upheld?
 

MajorStyles

Pelican
Could you explain what you mean here a bit more? I don’t think I totally understand.

I get that traditional marriage is the ideal. But, what does that have to do with the “spark.” Are you saying it’s not even important if the traditional dynamic is being upheld?

What I meant is that in the natural world, you have a clear definition of male and female. If a phsycial attraction is added to this natural dynamic, then there should be a "spark."

However, modern society is counter intuitive, anti-logos, inverted reality, etc. Therefore, if one of the people buy into this twisted logic, it will kill the spark since it works against the natural order. All of a sudden, one of the people is trying to swin upstream in a river.

That is a general theory based on my experience. I have been with beautiful women that bought into the feminist narrative to some degree. Therefore, there was always a conflict within them which worked against our intimacy: as if by following their maternal instinct, they were throwing a drink into the face of Steinem, Dworkin, Abzug, etc. Thus, the "spark" was not a strong as it should have been in these cases.
 
What I meant is that in the natural world, you have a clear definition of male and female. If a phsycial attraction is added to this natural dynamic, then there should be a "spark."

However, modern society is counter intuitive, anti-logos, inverted reality, etc. Therefore, if one of the people buy into this twisted logic, it will kill the spark since it works against the natural order. All of a sudden, one of the people is trying to swin upstream in a river.

That is a general theory based on my experience. I have been with beautiful women that bought into the feminist narrative to some degree. Therefore, there was always a conflict within them which worked against our intimacy: as if by following their maternal instinct, they were throwing a drink into the face of Steinem, Dworkin, Abzug, etc. Thus, the "spark" was not a strong as it should have been in these cases.
That may be a large part of it. Have you looked into attachment styles? It seems that depending on one’s past family dynamics, there could be a reason certain individuals are attracted to each other as well.
 

Bluto

Kingfisher
Infatuation certainly does fade over time. It is part of the cyclical evolution of your relationship. Having said that, if you don't have chemistry with your partner in a relationship in the first place, then the odds of you getting chemistry for your partner is very low.
 

MajorStyles

Pelican
That may be a large part of it. Have you looked into attachment styles? It seems that depending on one’s past family dynamics, there could be a reason certain individuals are attracted to each other as well.

I don't know much about attachment style. However, my gut instinct is to say that it's one of these secondary/tertiary factors that could aid or molest the development of a relationship.
 
In my opinion infatuation is not helpful at all.

She needs to be submissive (and you willing and capable to lead), you need a baseline physical attraction to her beyond just the idea that you get to have sex, and her family must not be a burden*.

Everything else beyond that is personality quirks of two people coming together. The quirks and the sex and the polarity will provide enough energy or spark, and yes, will build quickly then fade gradually, at which point hopefully you are left with shared memories and a legacy (family, business) you want to preserve.

* a note about the family thing, now that I am middle aged, I place so much more importance on this than I used to... you don't want a chick that has a terrible relationship with her family because it's simply too much work (maybe impossible) to overcome those past scars and her personality and behavior and trust will not be there long term, but if she has a great relationship with a loser family that is just as bad because they will always be around and she and/or you will be asked to bail them out of their stupid jams or listen to their stupid opinions and they WILL stress out your wife/GF which in turn will be another thing for you to deal with
 
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