Is it a red flag if a woman has been sexually abused?

If a woman had been sexually abused when they were younger (rape) and they don’t want to work through it in therapy, is this a red flag?

They had trouble talking about emotions and being emotionally intimate even though we could joke around together and that seemed like emotional intimacy to me in retrospect...

She broke up with me a month ago and I’m having a hard time processing things. No idea why I’m still infatuated with her (in limerence) and thinking I messed everything up. This question is mainly to figure out if I’m being irrational in not considering this red flag (if it is one) a major dealbreaker long term (if it even worked out since she broke up with me and everything anyways).

She also wanted traditional marriage roles, was of the same faith tradition as I am, etc. - but, the unresolved trauma broke us up, I think due to her projecting her trauma response onto me when was was trying to repair the relationship. Her having these values (which are so hard to find in America) is making it hard for me to move, on on top of the infatuation I still feel. We were talking about marriage and everything and we were both on board it seemed like...
LIsten, Women are naturally manipulative, they do it subconsciously. Was she the trad women you wanted? Probably not. A damaged woman cant be worth the hassle in most cases. She was most likely telling you what she thinks you wanted to here. Maybe you got too attached and too clingy?
 

SingularityOne

Robin
Orthodox
LIsten, Women are naturally manipulative, they do it subconsciously. Was she the trad women you wanted? Probably not. A damaged woman cant be worth the hassle in most cases. She was most likely telling you what she thinks you wanted to here. Maybe you got too attached and too clingy?
After the trauma response on the last visit I got too attached and too clingy, yes. My insecurities got activated when she distanced and I perceived her abandonment. I need to work through stuff from my past, I realize.
 

SingularityOne

Robin
Orthodox


Disclaimer: Linking this is NOT a blanket endorsement. CRP is an atheist and has a skewed perspective on some issues. He does raise some points to consider.
Great video. Question though... if we had talked about me not being responsible for her truama in the relationship (aka; not being her savior) and she was unwilling to get therapy for it (even when I asked her to go with me when we had agreed prior to get married)... is that also a caveat that plays into to his second point?
 

magaman

Woodpecker
Great video. Question though... if we had talked about me not being responsible for her truama in the relationship (aka; not being her savior) and she was unwilling to get therapy for it (even when I asked her to go with me when we had agreed prior to get married)... is that also a caveat that plays into to his second point?
Leave her.
 
If a woman had been sexually abused when they were younger (rape) and they don’t want to work through it in therapy, is this a red flag?

They had trouble talking about emotions and being emotionally intimate even though we could joke around together and that seemed like emotional intimacy to me in retrospect...

She broke up with me a month ago and I’m having a hard time processing things. No idea why I’m still infatuated with her (in limerence) and thinking I messed everything up. This question is mainly to figure out if I’m being irrational in not considering this red flag (if it is one) a major dealbreaker long term (if it even worked out since she broke up with me and everything anyways).

She also wanted traditional marriage roles, was of the same faith tradition as I am, etc. - but, the unresolved trauma broke us up, I think due to her projecting her trauma response onto me when was was trying to repair the relationship. Her having these values (which are so hard to find in America) is making it hard for me to move, on on top of the infatuation I still feel. We were talking about marriage and everything and we were both on board it seemed like...
Yeah, it's a red flag that she is not in the process of working through the trauma. It sucks that it happened to her, because she didn't deserve that and it made the rest of her life difficult, no doubt. But a lot of trauma can be worked through if people are willing.

You have to move on, though. It's unfortunate and probably difficult that the relationship ended but if people aren't willing to work through their trauma, the net effect of that is the problem manifesting itself in your relationship over the long term. Something like that which is a personal problem for her turns out to be a shared problem between the both of you, so it's kind of selfish of her not to work through it when it can effect your relationship.
 
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SingularityOne

Robin
Orthodox
Yeah, it's a red flag that she is not in the process of working through the trauma. It sucks that it happened to her, because she didn't deserve that and it made the rest of her life difficult, no doubt. But a lot of trauma can be worked through if people are willing.

You have to move on, though. It's unfortunate and probably difficult that the relationship ended but if people aren't willing to work through their trauma, the net effect of that is the problem manifesting itself in your relationship over the long term. Something like that which is personal problem for her turns out to be a shared problem between the both of you, so it's kind of selfish of her not to work through it when it can effect your relationship.
Yeah, I know I have to move on. It’s hard to balance the compassion with the anger. I realize the truth of what you say here. I think I’m almost to the acceptance stage of grief.
 

magaman

Woodpecker
She left me. No worries there man. Just trying to integrate the experience into my life and move on and grow.
Just remember everything that guy in the video said. You can forgive these types of girls but there's no fixing them and it's certainly not your responsibility to. Dude trust me, I know how hard it can be to let go, get over girls and want to help them.. I think we've all had that blue pill mentality at some point in our lives. She's not who you want raising your future children, though. She's not the one. Keep growing yourself, let this be a lesson learned for you and just being here means you've already taken some big steps, even if just mentally. Hopefully this doesn't sound too secular of a response but you have to look out for yourself. Especially with the way the world (at least the western world) is going, it was already sort of pozzed before my time (born in 93) but it's ultra pozzed today.
 
Yeah, I know I have to move on. It’s hard to balance the compassion with the anger. I realize the truth of what you say here. I think I’m almost to the acceptance stage of grief.
Go easy with yourself, brother. Allow yourself the freedom to experience the range of emotions that comes with stuff like this. Don't focus so much on what happened but focus on what you can learn from this. Pain is pain. It will subside eventually. But focus on trying to understand from here on out how you intend to not repeat this experience with another woman. That's key.
 

Aizen

Kingfisher
Orthodox
OP, the fact that you've written this much about one woman shows that you are in way over your head.

Potent reminder: Christ comes first, you come second, woman comes third. From your excessive oneitis-fueled ramblings, I take it you have not made peace with the Lord, nor accepted your role as a leader of women.

Have you sorted out your mental health? I recall you mentioning neurotic tendencies. Put bluntly, you need to get on top of that asap, because it's a pantie-drying trait that females highly despise in men. Religious or not, women are simply repelled by neurotic men. The ideal man is cool and collected, so strive towards that goal.

In light of your overall situation, what makes you think you deserve a sweet Orthodox girl? You clearly have some housekeeping to do before you can expect a high quality Christian woman to willingly enter your life. And to answer your initial question, yes it's absolutely a red flag. You must already know this deep down, otherwise you wouldn't be here posting novellas about your trad-waifu-gone-wrong.

In order of priority:
1. Make peace with the Lord
2. Get over this nutcase woman
3. Work on your mental health issues
4. Seek religious women without baggage
 
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SingularityOne

Robin
Orthodox
OP, the fact that you've written this much about one woman shows that you are in way over your head.

Potent reminder: Christ comes first, you come second, woman comes third. From your excessive oneitis-fueled ramblings, I take it you have not made peace with the Lord, nor accepted your role as a leader of women.

Have you sorted out your mental health? I recall you mentioning neurotic tendencies. Put bluntly, you need to get on top of that asap, because it's a pantie-drying trait that females highly despise in men. Religious or not, women are simply repelled by neurotic men. The ideal man is cool and collected, so strive towards that goal.

In light of your overall situation, what makes you think you deserve a sweet Orthodox girl? You clearly have some housekeeping to do before you can expect a high quality Christian woman to willingly enter your life. And to answer your initial question, yes it's absolutely a red flag. You must already know this deep down, otherwise you wouldn't be here posting novellas about your trad-waifu-gone-wrong.

In order of priority:
1. Make peace with the Lord
2. Get over this nutcase woman
3. Work on your mental health issues
4. Seek religious women without baggage
I agree! Thanks for the hard truth. Working on myself right now and trying to root out my inverted pride that stems from a lack of trust/security in Christ. I need to be alone with God right now and come to accept that may be how I will be forever. Not in a self-pitying way at all. But, in a way that I can endure the possibility of that being the case. There’s more here, but I will leave it at that. Thanks brother.
 
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