Marriage longevity

Leeloo

Woodpecker
Woman
Catholic
Marriage longevity (In regards to family and generational ‘trends,’ for lack of a better word).

My parents’ 46th wedding anniversary is coming up on Monday and I’ve been reflecting a lot on how valuable it is to me to have generational marriage longevity and influence in one’s life. I’m so proud of my parents, and the strong marriage that they have- it has always been an inspiration to me that their marriage and others’ in my family have been so strong. They are my biggest role models in life and I wonder if I would still value marriage the same way if they had not shown so many years of commitment and loyalty by example.

For those with married parents, how many years do they have together? Are long-lasting marriages consistent in families generally? Do they stay together due to true commitment to their vows and God, or is it the children or the stigma of divorce or some other factor that keeps some together?

This by no means is to imply that I stigmatize or shame couples or families that have experienced divorce. There are certainly divorced couples in my family and friend group, some with 30 years under their belts and then also those who entered marriage basically ‘doomed’ hoping being married would fix their problems.

On the other hand I know other couples who might actually be better off not being together, as difficult that is to say. Someone in my family very close to me is right now facing serious marital issues with a spouse who was never really compatible, but there are two children and 15+ years together, so there are decisions to be made.

Ok, Friday evening rambling over with! I’d love to hear This group’s thoughts and discussions on this subject.
 

EndlessGravity

Pelican
Protestant
I'm going to use myself as an example instead of my parents.

My wife and I have been married for several decades. We're certainly not the norm among our peers. We're sometimes asked how we've done it and I'm never really sure how to answer.

We've had our problems, although I get the feeling these are more tame than other relationships, but we were very closely matched from the beginning. Similar socio-economic backgrounds, similar level of religious upbringing, and temperaments which were near to each other. While we're both stubborn and tenacious people, we also knew from the beginning how life, including marriage, requires a certain balance between flexibility and compromise vs standing your ground and holding fast. From the start, we combined finances and other efforts but we took on standard gender roles regarding how things were to be handled.

I can't say which of all the factors really made it work for us and honestly so many of the men I know are so cucked I don't know how any of them stay married.
 

Leeloo

Woodpecker
Woman
Catholic
I can't say which of all the factors really made it work for us and honestly so many of the men I know are so cucked I don't know how any of them stay married.

I’d agree that ‘frame’ and traditional gender roles definitely make the top 5 in regards to what makes things smoother. Combining resources is also a good one, although my husband and I personally do not, but we have unusual circumstances so that works for us.

From my observations, many couples, especially in the last 15-20 years are more focused on individuality and who has the power in the relationship, that they tend to end up working against each other instead of as a team.

Congratulations on your many years of marriage!
 

Starlight

Kingfisher
Woman
Protestant
I think this is a really important topic. What is it that keeps couples together for the long haul? Maybe through anecdotal experiences we can find some common threads.

My parents have been married for over 50 years. My husband and I will be celebrating our 15 year anniversary this year (wut :eek:!). We are both from similar backgrounds and our parents had friends in common and were tangently associated with each other’s social circles.

I think part of what has made our marriage successful (at least for us) is a mixture of imprinting and creating our life together. We were both young enough (I met him at 17, he was 19; married at 20 and 22) where we both really feel like we’re family to each other and to each other’s family. I mean, my husband is my family... not just a guy I married and had kids with, if that makes sense. He’s my family as much or more than my own brothers. Also, neither of us had lived outside of our parental homes until we were married which I think is an important note. “Finances” is something we learned together. (Personally, I think separate finances are not healthy).

Our whole life is something that we created, grew, together. Our motto when times were/are tough was (is), “Us against the world.” As long as we’re together, we’ll find a way because we’re family, a team. We really have not known a life without each other.

Edited to add: that we have very old school traditional gender roles and I think this has actually helped to galvanize our commitment to each other and our family. Not that it has been easy or without outside pressure but that the outside pressure has made us more resolute.
 
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byzfash

Pigeon
Woman
Catholic
My parents are liberal Protestants, but have good heads on their shoulders and have made good decisions in life. They'll have been married for 29 years this November, and got married when my Dad was 23 and my Mom was 25.

They certainly aren't only staying together due to the stigma of divorce. Two of my father's sisters are divorced, and I know that he (unfortunately) doesn't think there is anything wrong with getting divorced himself.

Rather, they're married because they made a lot of decisions that people at their age didn't. They didn't cohabitate and so didn't slide into any relationship. They spoke about religion and how they wanted to raise their kids in a Church environment. My mother was clear that she wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom, and my Dad was clear that being the provider would fall to him. They have similar parental attitudes about raising self-sufficient adults rather than grown children. They both agreed that corporal punishment was okay and useful, but also agreed that making expectations and rules clear (and yet open for discussion, with parents having the final say, of course) makes the child feel heard. They both lived within their means, didn't use drugs & understand the importance of the marital embrace for maintaining intimacy.

Really, it's inspirational that they had the good sense to practice all this stuff without the guidelines of more traditional religion. It really is the proof in the pudding that this kind of stuff is just natural law.
 

Vigilant

Kingfisher
Woman
Protestant
Marriage Love & Reverence:

...Moreover, marriage is honourable with respect to the ends of it; which even before the fall, and supposing Adam had stood, hereby he would have had an help meet; and the first law of creation would have been carried into execution, increase and multiply; a godly seed, a legitimate offspring would have sprung from hence; families formed and built up, and the world peopled with inhabitants; and since the fall the ends and uses of it are to preserve chastity, to prevent incontinence, and to avoid fornication; as well as to answer the other ends: and particularly this state appears honourable: when the duties of it are observed by both parties; as,

1. First, love on the part of the husband. “Husbands love your wives”, Ephesians 5:25 instances of which are in Isaac, Jacob, Elkanah, and others (Gen. 24:67, 29:18, 20; 1 Sam. 1:5). The nature and manner of showing it, and the reasons of it, might be observed.

1a2. It should be a love of complacency and delight, taking pleasure and delight in her person, company, and conversation, (Prov. 5:18, 19; Eccl. 9:9) as is the love of Christ to the church, who is his Hephzibah, in whom is all his delight.

1a3. Should be chaste and single, as the love of Christ is, (Song 6:9) and for this reason a man should not have more wives than one, whereby his love would be divided or alienated, and hate the one and love the other, as is commonly the case; and therefore the law provided for the firstborn, of whichsoever it might be (Deut. 21:15, 17; see 1 Cor. 7:2).

1a4. It should be mutual; the wife is to love the husband, as the husband the wife, (Titus 2:4) and generally her love is the most strong and affectionate, (2 Sam. 1:26) and the reason why the husband is more frequently exhorted to it, it may be, is because most wanting in the performance of it.

1b. Secondly, the manner, or how, and in what way it is to be expressed; not in words only, but in deed and in truth; by real facts, which speak louder than words.
1b1. In making all proper provision for her temporal good, signified by “nourishing” and “cherishing” her, (Eph. 5:29) which include food and raiment, and all the necessaries of life; he is to “provide things honest”, decent, convenient, and suitable, to his rank, state, condition, circumstances, and abilities; and he that “provideth not for his own”, especially for his own wife, his own children and family, “is worse than an infidel” (Rom. 12:17; 1 Tim. 5:3).

1b2. In protecting her from all abuses and inquiries; as she is the weaker vessel, she is to be taken under his wing and shelter; he is to be a covering to her, as Abraham was to Sarah; which may be signified by the ceremony used at marriage, or by which that act is expressed, a man’s spreading his skirt over the woman, (Gen. 20:16; Ruth 3:9) he is to expose himself to danger, and even risk his life in her defence, and for her rescue (1 Sam. 30:5, 18).

1b3. In doing everything that may contribute to her pleasure, peace, comfort, and happiness; “he that is married” is to care “how he may please his wife”; nor does the apostle blame him for it; but rather commends him for it, or recommends it unto him (1 Cor. 7:33). “Hatred stirreth up strifes”, contentions, quarrels, the consequence of which is confusion, and every evil work; “but love covereth all sins”, conceals faults, and hides failings and infirmities (Prov. 10:12).



1b4. In seeking her spiritual welfare; her conversion, if unconverted, and her spiritual peace, comfort, and edification, she being an heir with him of the grace of life; by joining with her in all religions exercises; in family worship, in reading, in prayer, in praise, in Christian conference and conversation; by instructing her in everything relating to doctrine, duty, and church discipline; in answer to questions she may and has a right to ask him at home (1 Cor. 14:35). To all which are opposed hatred and bitterness; “Husbands love your wives, and be not bitter against them”; not giving bitter language, threatening words, sour looks, and especially bitter blows; which is cruel, churlish, barbarous, and brutish, unbecoming the man and the Christian.

1c. Thirdly, the reasons or arguments enforcing this duty of the love of a man to his wife, are such as follow.

1c1. The nearness between them, she is his own flesh; and “no man ever yet hated his own flesh”, which would be monstrously unnatural; she is “himself”, the other part of himself, and to be loved as his own body, which to love is a principle280 in nature (Eph. 5:28, 29, 33).

1c2. The help, advantage, and profit he receives by her; she is provided as an help meet for him, and becomes such to him in the affairs of the family, (Gen. 2:18) she is his companion, and which is used as a reason why he should not deal treacherously with the wife of his youth, (Mal. 2:14) she is his companion in prosperity and adversity; shares with him in his cares and troubles, in his joys and sorrows; sympathizes with him in all conditions, weeps when he weeps, and rejoices when he rejoices; she is a partner with him in the blessings of grace now, and will be a partner with him in eternal glory.

1c3. The glory and honour she is unto him; “The woman is the glory of the man”, in whom are seen his power and authority, (1 Cor. 11:7) one who is loving and chaste to him, and is careful of her family affairs, does him honour, and is a credit and crown to him, and makes him respectable among men; his heart safely trusts in her, and through her conduct he is known and respected “in the gates” (Prov. 12:4, 31:10, 11, 23).

1c4. The strongest and most forcible argument of all to a good man, is the love of Christ to his church; which is the pattern and exemplar of a man’s love to his wife and most strongly enforces it, (Eph. 5:25-28).

2. Secondly, the duties on the part of the wife, are reverence, subjection, obedience, &c.

2a. Reverence; and “let the wife see that she reverence her husband”, (Eph. 5:33) which reverence is both internal and external; she ought to think well, and even highly of him, and not despise him in her heart, as Michael, Saul’s daughter, did David her husband, (2 Sam. 6:16) and she should speak of him and to him in a respectable manner, as Sarah did to Abraham, calling him Lord (1 Peter 3:6; Gen. 18:12).

2b. Subjection and submission to him; “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands”, not to others; “as unto the Lord”, the Lord Christ, the head of every man, and so of the church; “and as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything”; that is, in things relating to family affairs; not in anything that is contrary to the laws of God and Christ; for God is to be obeyed rather than men, than any man, than husbands themselves, (Eph. 5:22, 24) and this subjection and submission is not a servile one; not like that of servants to their masters, or of handmaids to mistresses, and much less like that of slaves to tyrants, or who have taken them and hold them captives; but as the body, and members of it, are subject to the head, by which they are governed, guided, and directed to what is for their good; and that in a wise, tender, and gentle manner.



2c. Obedience. the apostle directs, that wives be “obedient to their own husbands”, (Titus 2:5) Sarah is an example of this; and an instance we have of her immediate and quick obedience to the orders of Abraham, (1 Peter 3:6; Gen. 18:6).
2d. Assistance and help in family affairs, agreeable to the original end of her creation; guiding the house with discretion, keeping her children and servants in good order and decorum; abiding at home, and managing all domestic business with wisdom and prudence (1 Tim. 2:14; Titus 2:5).

2e. Assuming no authority over her husband, as not in ecclesiastical, so not in domestic matters; seeking to please him in all things, doing nothing without his will and consent, and never contrary to it; not intermeddling with his worldly business and concerns, but leaving them to him (1 Tim. 5:11, 12; 1 Cor. 7:34).

2f. Continuance with him in every state and circumstance of life; going with him wherever God in his providence, and his business in life call him; as Sarah with Abraham in the land of promise, in Egypt, and elsewhere; she should do as Ruth proposed to Naomi (Ruth 1:16). There are reasons why the wife should be found in the performance of these duties. Some,

2f1. Taken from her creation, time, manner, and end of it; Adam was formed first, and then Eve; and therefore in point of time had the superiority; the man was made not of and for the woman; but the woman was made of and for the man, and to, be an help meet and assistant to him (1 Tim. 2:13; 1 Cor. 11:8, 9; Gen. 2:18).
2f2. From the consideration of the fall, and her concern in it; “Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, was in the transgression”, at least first, and the means of drawing her husband into it; and therefore it is part of the sentence denounced upon her for her transgression, “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (1 Tim. 2:14; Gen. 3:16).

2f3. From the man being the head of the woman; and therefore she should be in subjection to him as such (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:23).

2f4. From her being the weaker vessel, and therefore standing in need of his shelter and protection.

2f5. From her own credit and honour concerned herein; as it would be to her discredit and dishonour to behave irreverently, and to be disobedient; to submit to him, “as is fit the Lord”, is decent and becoming, (Col. 3:18) and so to be is ornamental to women, and the best ornament they can deck themselves with; “Being in subjection to their own husbands” (1 Peter 3:3-5).

2f6. The chief argument of all is taken from the subjection of the church to Christ, (Eph 5:22, 24). In short, both parties should consult each other’s pleasure, peace, comfort, and happiness, and especially the glory of God; that his word, ways, and worship, may not be reproached and evil spoken of through any conduct of theirs (Titus 2:5).

Author: John Gill

_______________________
To read this excellent book in total: The Body of Practical Divinity
 
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NoMoreTO

Hummingbird
Catholic
I got watching this today, they seem like a pretty devoted Catholic couple.

Lots of practical topics, along with spiritual topics covered but I wouldn't say it get theological.

 

IconWriter

Robin
Woman
Orthodox
We've been married nearly 50 years. Our marriage is Christ-centered, love-centered, with traditional roles. I was a stay-at-home mom. We have no regrets and are closer than ever. I fear we are a "dying breed" and I feel sad for this next generation.
 

christie2

Robin
Woman
Orthodox
Marriage longevity (In regards to family and generational ‘trends,’ for lack of a better word).

My parents’ 46th wedding anniversary is coming up on Monday and I’ve been reflecting a lot on how valuable it is to me to have generational marriage longevity and influence in one’s life. I’m so proud of my parents, and the strong marriage that they have- it has always been an inspiration to me that their marriage and others’ in my family have been so strong. They are my biggest role models in life and I wonder if I would still value marriage the same way if they had not shown so many years of commitment and loyalty by example.

For those with married parents, how many years do they have together? Are long-lasting marriages consistent in families generally? Do they stay together due to true commitment to their vows and God, or is it the children or the stigma of divorce or some other factor that keeps some together?

This by no means is to imply that I stigmatize or shame couples or families that have experienced divorce. There are certainly divorced couples in my family and friend group, some with 30 years under their belts and then also those who entered marriage basically ‘doomed’ hoping being married would fix their problems.

On the other hand I know other couples who might actually be better off not being together, as difficult that is to say. Someone in my family very close to me is right now facing serious marital issues with a spouse who was never really compatible, but there are two children and 15+ years together, so there are decisions to be made.

Ok, Friday evening rambling over with! I’d love to hear This group’s thoughts and discussions on this subject.
That's heartening to read. Thank you for sharing and my best wishes on their recent 46th wedding anniversary.

My parents and both sets of grandparents stayed married until one spouse died.(42, 31 and 58 years of marriage)
My Dad almost stayed alive until their 43rd anniversary, but died the day before.



The reasons you bring up are the reasons they stay together, but most importantly, because of love and concern for each other.

In each couple, the husband loved Jesus more than his wife or his children.

I realise how important this example that they all set for me is.

I appreciate reading this and it gives me strength to think of this.
 

Laner

Hummingbird
Protestant
Gold Member
My parents have been married for 43 years. My wife's parents for 49.

In our parents case, a lot of the harder years were ironed out by our fathers being away working for a good part of the year. Their returns were celebrated, most often with vacations and lots of relaxing fun among family and friends.

I see a lot of sour relationships now days and I put a lot of the blame on self centered nature. Couples have forgotten what it means to be selfless and instead have score cards. Its destructive and makes relationships into chores. If I had to do XYZ before having sex, sex would be meaningless, and meaningless sex would lead me to find sex elsewhere. Same goes for attention. I see grown men who can barely hold the home together and would rather stare into their phone than listen to their wives while they cook dinner.

Cohabitation before marriage is also a bad idea, and not just because of a religious standpoint. Add in birth control and there is no wonder that fertility among couples is near non existent. How can a woman's body see her sloppy boyfriend as a good mate after years of being a roommate and sex without procreation. Her biology is rejecting him, and his body knows it. Que the estrogen spike in these men and the rise in crossfit among the wife. I can't be the only one to notice larger hips among men, and larger shoulders among women. And most of these couples fit the urban, liberal, tech lovers, one dog no kids demographic.
 
My parents have been married for 43 years. My wife's parents for 49.

In our parents case, a lot of the harder years were ironed out by our fathers being away working for a good part of the year. Their returns were celebrated, most often with vacations and lots of relaxing fun among family and friends.

I see a lot of sour relationships now days and I put a lot of the blame on self centered nature. Couples have forgotten what it means to be selfless and instead have score cards. Its destructive and makes relationships into chores. If I had to do XYZ before having sex, sex would be meaningless, and meaningless sex would lead me to find sex elsewhere. Same goes for attention. I see grown men who can barely hold the home together and would rather stare into their phone than listen to their wives while they cook dinner.

Cohabitation before marriage is also a bad idea, and not just because of a religious standpoint. Add in birth control and there is no wonder that fertility among couples is near non existent. How can a woman's body see her sloppy boyfriend as a good mate after years of being a roommate and sex without procreation. Her biology is rejecting him, and his body knows it. Que the estrogen spike in these men and the rise in crossfit among the wife. I can't be the only one to notice larger hips among men, and larger shoulders among women. And most of these couples fit the urban, liberal, tech lovers, one dog no kids demographic.
:)

@Roosh literally just posted an article on this:

 

Leeloo

Woodpecker
Woman
Catholic
Thank you all for the insightful replies on this thread. It’s a topic very important to me. My own 9th wedding anniversary is coming up this month and some of my biggest role models are couples who honor their vows for so many years. To me, it’s one of the ingredients of success. When asked to define successful people, I think a long and prosperous marriage is up there with financial goals and spiritual improvement, generally.


A lot of problems in the USA might be resolved if we respected marriage and elders as much as most of the population idolizes materialism and empty celebrity.
 

christie2

Robin
Woman
Orthodox
Thank you all for the insightful replies on this thread. It’s a topic very important to me. My own 9th wedding anniversary is coming up this month and some of my biggest role models are couples who honor their vows for so many years. To me, it’s one of the ingredients of success. When asked to define successful people, I think a long and prosperous marriage is up there with financial goals and spiritual improvement, generally.


A lot of problems in the USA might be resolved if we respected marriage and elders as much as most of the population idolizes materialism and empty celebrity.
Have a happy and blessed 9th wedding anniversary
 

Veemerk

Chicken
Woman
Protestant
My parents were married for 39 years before my father passed away. I think they stayed together for so long because my mom kept her mouth shut and didn’t nag. I know it sounds silly but by doing so she kept so much peace in the house by never emotionally reacting to my strict father.

I remember always feeling so good when I saw my parents share a moment of love like hugging or kissing. It didn’t happen much but it made me feel safe when I saw them embrace.

So, by letting the husband lead, wife keeps mostly silent on trivial matters and parents be able to show their affection—that’s what I strive to do. (It’s not easy to keep silent tho)

Whenever my husband and I hug, our baby smiles and giggles at us. I think she likes when we are affection, too.
 
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