etwsake said:
Thanks to everyone for all the replies.
It's a lot to think about and a lot of really great advice. I've already done some of it and that's how I lost the weight the first time around. I just need to find that drive and discipline that I had before so I can do it again.
I'm going to read and re-read all the advice and implement as much of it as I can, immediately.
I don't know if this will work for you or not, but my eating habits, which I couldn't change for the life of me, didn't turn into something I could control until I found a good therapist (male, which is helpful if he is a good one.) and went to him for about a year.
You speak about drive and discipline, and sometimes that is definitely the issue, but sometimes there are just deeper issues that need to be addressed, and once they are, the eating issue just disappears on its own, as in my case.
I always envied people who could go all day forgetting to eat, or get so involved in a project that the forgot to eat, or people who could get into intermittent fasting, because I knew that wasn't me. I always ate, always remembered to eat, and often eat things that gave me instant gratification.
I felt like you too, that there was some fundamental value missing in me, like drive or discipline that was either simply missing, or lacking, and if I just beat myself up more, and shamed myself into trying harder, the problem would be solved.
Not to go into too many details, but my therapist explored all other areas in my life, and asked me a bunch of questions, and really got me thinking about what I needed from people and situations, and guess what, I didn't even know.
I was trying so hard to fulfill what I thought was expected of me, that I couldn't even tell you what I expected of other people. If you asked me what color I wanted to paint my own bedroom, I probably wouldn't even have a preference to tell you.
So, my therapist got me on a program of assertiveness training, (I know, I know, it seemed like a bunch of psychobabble to me at the time too) and he very practically and concretely mapped out what I could ask for and expect from other people, and why sometimes you can't just let the little shit go, you have to speak up for yourself, whether it means telling a cashier in a store not to talk to you in that tone of voice or even asking to see a manager, and ditto with family member or even some stranger trying to bum a smoke on the street.
What I found was that I was so committed to being a decent person, and not making a big deal over the little stuff in life, that people were walking all over me, and it took about a year, and it was awesome to have a non judgmental, ex military dude who was a therapist now , listen to what my life was like, offer supportive comments and insights, and help me work towards having the social skills I needed to get things done in my life.
He and I never spoke about comfort eating or over eating at all. The funny thing though was, as my skills grew in dealing with all the social situations of life, I found that my need to turn to food just disappeared on its own, because it was actually response to the more spiritual problem of loving other people way more than I loved myself.
I know all too well your feelings of shame, and impulse to isolate yourself. In a way it makes sense when a man feels he hasn't lived up to his ideals, to want to hide, it's the most natural thing in the world. It is also a common masculine trait to never ask for help, but to take the responsibility on yourself to fix yourself.
So, my two cents would be, at least consider therapy, and consider it for its own sake, and not just for solving the problem of overeating. Also, make sure you find a good therapist, and if you get weird feelings from one on the first meeting, next them like you would next a borderline girl, and keep looking.
Obviously, there are no guarantees that your situation is similar to mine, but the possibility is still there.
I give you credit for being honest and starting this thread, that takes guts, being honest, and I have seen men on this forum respond to honest requests for help with patience and decency, so you are already helping yourself, even if it doesn't feel like it.
A final observation. Almost everyone in this world does some sort of self medicating of one form or another, it is just that not all sorts of self medicating show themselves visibly on your body. Unfortunately for you, yours does, when you eat you get fat.
There are people out there who self medicate by being narcissistic, or passive aggressive, or secretly cruel, and they are, I suppose lucky there are no physical repercussions from their behavior. Imagine if a guy who masturbated too much suddenly found that his head took on the appearance of a big dick, and everyone would know what his dirty secret was just by looking at him.
He would be up fap creek.
Anyway, my point is, there may be some benefits from coming at this thing sideways instead of head on. I know because that is what happened to me. By addressing the personal and emotional issues, it seemed like the physical manifestations of my distress kind of fell away, little by little, and the same might be true for you if you choose to go down that road.
Just make sure you find a therapist that is truly in your corner though, that is the key.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
