Mourning the suicide death of a BPD ex that I remained friendly with

jordypip23

Ostrich
Gold Member
Gents, I was completely blindsided by the suicide death of a BPD (borderline personality disorder) ex very recently (that I was still friends with & had hung out with as recently as mid-January 2021). I had initially met her back in August of 2018. I found out about her passing literally the morning of her funeral 3 days after her passing. I did end up attending the funeral & interment / burial.

In the minutes prior to her presumably intentional overdosing of prescription pills, she had been texting me with cryptic texts that were kind of blaming me & others for either neglecting her or not considering her to have ever been of any value in this world. A couple lines did sound a little suicidal in nature, but she has said these kinds of lines in the past & it usually end up being "the boy who cried wolf" type of situation in which nothing would ultimately materialize. Since I was now trying to be less emotionally invested & trying not to perturb her further, I made the mistake of not picking up the phone & actually calling her. I simply texted back responses to her texts. Had I heard her voice & recognized a true emergency, I know that I would've tried my best to make the appropriate calls to family members and/or emergency personnel in her area (her suburb township or the 911 equivalent) to do a psychiatric wellness check. But this set of texts occurred at roughly 1:45 AM to 2:45 AM in her timezone until the time she stopped responding. Meanwhile I was laying down in bed at a relative's home out of state for the weekend 300 miles away. I figured she was going to simply go to sleep. Well, she did not respond to texts of mine the next couple days & finally 3 days later I Googled her name after no responses & saw her obituary! I was floor & overcome with tremendous emotions such as sadness, shock, grief, regret, etc.

A few hours before the crazy texts referenced above, she had called me on the phone. Although she sounded a bit down, she sounded kind of hopeful when she asked me if I could remotely watch a movie together and mutually comment on it. I mentioned to her that I needed to hang out with my relatives for a bit that night before POSSIBLY being able to partake in such an activity. Needless to say, it got late (well past midnight) by the time I texted her an apology for not calling back & then she went into the series of cryptic / blaming / subtly suicidal texts referenced in the above paragraph. Literally 3 days prior to this she sounded pretty good on the phone & even cheerful at some moments! But this is typical BPD behavior I believe. Full of ups & downs (but WAY MORE downs).

At the funeral reception I was given the cold shoulder by her core friend group as if I was a contributing factor to all of this. The family was polite with me although I had stopped talking to them 3 months back due to an idiotic drunken misunderstanding (I take the blame for that) right around the time approaching Christmas. Ultimately, we have to remember that this woman had issues long before she met me. She had divulged that she had once been institutionalized at a rough sounding place for a few days after a friend of one of her friends snitched on her for saying something suicidal sounding back then (probably about 4 years ago).

Sure, our times together were turbulent & full of ups & downs. But overall, I gave her something to look forward to when I was more actively in her life. I feel guilt for not trying to engage with her even on a platonic level these past couple of months. But I had been trying to protect myself & watch myself these past couple months and lay low for a bit. I was ready to break bread with her ironically at any time now (whether grabbing a bite to eat, catch a movie, etc.) instead of also trying to yearn for the fornication that I had come to expect in the past. Prior to my misunderstanding with her parents, I used to watch movies with her at her place all the time (with her BPD, she had no choice but to live with her parents) & we had made the best of those days as well. I truly think that the increased isolation (COVID era) along with my past conflicts that led to my withdrawing from her, did accelerate her course towards this ultimate decision. Nonetheless, this fate might have been somewhat inevitable in her case. Either way, I feel AWFUL.

I am looking into grief counseling groups that I may be attending quite soon. My parents are further ahead in their spiritual journey (Catholic) and have encouraged me to get closer to God. I have never been dealt such a morbid hand from someone I have cared about or been so close to in my entire life. Certainly I have seen elderly relatives die in the past & it was very sad. But this feeling is something I don't wish on anyone. Surviving the suicide of someone you are close to is a brand new level of pain.

I encourage all of you to chime in on any advice, feedback, or spiritual guidance you may have for my situation. Thank you.
 
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I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope this tragic event will make you come closer to God. I know it's not a good time to say that, but I will say it anyway : it might be a blessing in disguise for you.
You can start with simply praying for her.
And if you have feelings of guilt, try to contact a priest and talk about it with him. The best will be to go to confession at some point.
May she rest in peace and may God bless you in those difficult times.
 

bmw633

Woodpecker
I am sad for your loss, but depression is very prevalent, especially with CV19 restrictions.

Best to ghost romantic interests whenever possible, if there are red flags that prevent the relationship from progressing, and let someone else be their emotional tampon.

Don't blame yourself about what transpired, she made that choice, possibly in hopes of you White Knighting to rescue her, and rekindle the relationship. With BPDs, most all suicide threats are manipulation.
 

jordypip23

Ostrich
Gold Member
I am sad for your loss, but depression is very prevalent, especially with CV19 restrictions.

Best to ghost romantic interests whenever possible, if there are red flags that prevent the relationship from progressing, and let someone else be their emotional tampon.

Don't blame yourself about what transpired, she made that choice, possibly in hopes of you White Knighting to rescue her, and rekindle the relationship. With BPDs, most all suicide threats are manipulation.
True. Although they say that 75-80% of some BPD's not only attempt suicide at some point, an astonishing 8 to 10% successfully complete it at some point. They are among the highest at risk for actually committing suicide it turns out. 50X more likely to do it than a person that does not have the condition.

But yes you are right. Along the roller coaster ride, the threats do serve as a manipulation tactic as well.
 
We don't know her judgement. Many Christians believe that people who commit suicide go straight to hell. I'm not sure If I believe this because the majority of suicidal victims are mentally ill, and our God is a loving, forgiving God who knows are thoughts, feelings, and rationales. I would start by praying the Rosary at her grave and bringing Holy Water to sprinkle or leave a bottle at her gravesite.
Many Catholic Saints and mystics say that prayers to the dead in purgatory help ease their burden of purification and give them a sort of comfort.
I will pray for the repose of her soul.
 

DJ_Leaves

Chicken
Hey brother, Sorry to hear about your tragic loss. I don't really know what to say; But use this suffering to come closer together with the Lord. Offer your pain up to him and he will take care off the rest. I have lost friends to suicide and it's a heavy emotional burden that some have to carry. Peace be with your sprit dude and with hers too.


 

Aizen

Kingfisher
> "BPD"
> "Ex"
> "That I remained friendly with"

Did you in all honestly think this would end well?

I've had friends die from suicide, all in NYC, so I'm pretty hardened to death by this point. The reality is that weaker humans tend to weed themselves out of the gene pool, whether from physical problems, mental health issues, or a combination of both. I wish I could say I felt sorry, but in truth God does shun those who end the lives He gave them before it's their time. It sounds like you were trying to be a good friend (despite the "never talk to ex's rule"), but a BPD woman isn't likely to change for the better, and a dumpster fire can only end in ashes. It's akin to making friends with heroin addicts; you're setting yourself up for heartbreak when they OD under a bridge, regardless of how pure your intentions were. I pray for her family and pray that you select better women to avoid such tragedies in the future.

Also do yourself a favor and leave New York, it's an Evil place with crazy women.
 

Barron

Ostrich
Gold Member
The texts and phone calls sound like an attempt to lure you back in via emotional manipulation. When all options ran dry, she became desperate.

If you are 100% sure that she was BPD then she has most likely considered suicide hundreds of times before, just not in the way a non BPD person considers it (as an end to their suffering).

I'm not a mind reader but my guess would be that she believed her death would effect you and others in such a way that you would believe you lost your one and only shot at happiness through her once you learned of her passing, and in doing so, she would be validated in the end. BPDs thrive off of manipulation and suicide is often their last desperate attempt at doing so because they don't know how else to live.

Don't worry about her parents and friends, they are her enablers. Write them off as the human garbage that they are.

God Bless.
 

J.E.

Robin
I read your whole OP and you are not at fault here. The friends and family give you the cold shoulder to lift themselves of their guilty conscience. More often than not the root of her mental issues are likely her parents and immediate family than you or her friends. At one point she became responsible for herself but the inflicted dysfunction by her family was always within her. Given you were a couple it is hard not to feel guilty but at the end it was her choice and her actions. Given her mental health she was prone to be seduced by demons, so her actions and thoughts are not a product entirely of her own.

A couple of weeks ago I spoke with my priest about the issue of suicide and he said if one is mentally disturbed you cannot ascribe the whole responsibility to the person who committed it; only those who are fully conscious and clear in mind and do it will go straight to hell, but she was dysfunctional to begin with so God may have mercy on her.

I am sorry for your loss and may God have mercy on her soul. It is easy to sympathize with girls like she was because you can see genuine pain and longing in them and you want to fix them, but from my experience their ego and demons stand in their way to be better, so I let them to their own devices to save myself; I am not a saint and don't claim to purify one. Those who have eyes to see and ears to hear will harken to your example, those who don't, well ... it can end like this.
 

Thomas More

Hummingbird
Although suicides are looking in part to escape from their unhappy lives, a major part of their motivation is to hurt other people around them. It's like the line in that old Police song, "They'll be sorry when I'm dead, and all this guilt will be on their heads".

This suicide is not your fault, and it was cruel of her to pick you to be the one she interacted with last before doing the deed. You can't help feeling bad after receiving such a blow, but you are not in the wrong here, and you did not have a responsibility to do something more to prevent it.

May God have mercy on her soul, and may he grant you strength to put this behind you.
 

jordypip23

Ostrich
Gold Member
Although suicides are looking in part to escape from their unhappy lives, a major part of their motivation is to hurt other people around them. It's like the line in that old Police song, "They'll be sorry when I'm dead, and all this guilt will be on their heads".

This suicide is not your fault, and it was cruel of her to pick you to be the one she interacted with last before doing the deed. You can't help feeling bad after receiving such a blow, but you are not in the wrong here, and you did not have a responsibility to do something more to prevent it.

May God have mercy on her soul, and may he grant you strength to put this behind you.
Thank you Thomas More. I did not realize the gravity of the situation at hand & that's why I didn't act further. She definitely caught me at a very odd hour when my guard was down which did not help matters. Your response along with the other responses so far in this thread are very much appreciated.
 
First and foremost: It isn't your fault. There was nothing you could've done. Hope you can put this horrible thing behind you.

I suffer from horrible depression myself, so here's my two-cents... It is something that I felt disqualified me from the priesthood (and really from matrimony to be honest...) I work hard with exercise, diet, vitamin and nutritional supplements, and proper sleep to stay "level-headed."

When one is in that state, you're not thinking right. It's completely, totally, 100% irrational: "1+1=bandaid-Bananas" That's how much sense it makes to be in that state-of-mind.

"Inside" that state-of-mind it makes sense, believe it or not, that's how "broken" things are... "Outside" that state-of-mind you can see how insane it is. For me, the kind of "rational thinking" that people would recognize as "rational" in that mental state would upset people it's so dark...

You really can't reason with someone in that state, just keep them from hurting themselves until they pull out of the mental-mess they're in.

Theologically-speaking: One example I've come across, with those who jumped from the towers on 9/11, I've heard people say how they committed suicide and went straight to hell. I thought: "You'd jump too if it was you." When you touch something hot, what happens? You pull back. You don't consciously think about doing it, you just do it, no choice. In those towers there was a horrible fire. Look behind you, and imagine the wall on fire. You're not going to think, you're just going to act and jump to get away from the heat, that there's a 1000 foot drop out the window doesn't matter.

Do people who die by suicide go to Hell? I hope not. Thankfully that Judgement is above my pay-grade. I've been in their shoes (since before I was ten years old...) that's one reason I hope they're not damned.

I do hope there is some kind of "judgement" or "punishment" that is therapeutic for their soul (I sometimes hope that when I pass I'll get something like that. The sort of therapy I couldn't get to work for me in this life...) But Eternal Damnation? I hope not.
 

jordypip23

Ostrich
Gold Member
> "BPD"
> "Ex"
> "That I remained friendly with"

Did you in all honestly think this would end well?

I've had friends die from suicide, all in NYC, so I'm pretty hardened to death by this point. The reality is that weaker humans tend to weed themselves out of the gene pool, whether from physical problems, mental health issues, or a combination of both. I wish I could say I felt sorry, but in truth God does shun those who end the lives He gave them before it's their time. It sounds like you were trying to be a good friend (despite the "never talk to ex's rule"), but a BPD woman isn't likely to change for the better, and a dumpster fire can only end in ashes. It's akin to making friends with heroin addicts; you're setting yourself up for heartbreak when they OD under a bridge, regardless of how pure your intentions were. I pray for her family and pray that you select better women to avoid such tragedies in the future.

Also do yourself a favor and leave New York, it's an Evil place with crazy women.
Very good points Aizen. Although some may feel like this is a darker perspective, there is truth to it. She literally was at a point at which she wanted to "check out" from the world so to speak. Had this attempt been thwarted, might some time been bought till the next attempt? Sure, but as you are saying, this may have been inevitable. The level of codependency in our relationship was off the charts & simply not sustainable for the long haul. I think the writing was on the wall after I had a conflict with her parents in late December (that I had made worse while under the influence) & I decided to stay away from their residence probably mutually from that point onwards. Also, with with me eyeing a move a couple hours away to the western side of my state, she may have been doomed if she was going to try to continue leaning on me as a crutch in general.

Oh & BTW, I'm not in NYC although I have visited the city pre-covid & hung out there several times in the past. I am in of the larger metro areas in the Midwest / Great Lakes region. But the poor woman in question had many of the same neurotic qualities that you might find in the damaged women of NYC or LA & happened to be from an affluent family that provided every material thing for her that you could ever imagine. In fact, she even lived in LA for a few years.
 
Sorry for your loss, may she rest in peace.

I would like to say something: talking a BPD woman out of suicide(over the phone) is one of the most mentally and emotionally draining things I've done in my life. Did it twice. I felt that I was slowly losing my mind.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone, just don't do it by yourself and over the phone only. I think suicide hotlines are more mentally prepared and have the psychological tactics to de-escalate the situation...
 

jordypip23

Ostrich
Gold Member
Sorry for your loss, may she rest in peace.

I would like to say something: talking a BPD woman out of suicide(over the phone) is one of the most mentally and emotionally draining things I've done in my life. Did it twice. I felt that I was slowly losing my mind.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone, just don't do it by yourself and over the phone only. I think suicide hotlines are more mentally prepared and have the psychological tactics to de-escalate the situation...

Indeed. When she was finally ready to pull off the deed (via pills), she definitely got away with it at a time that my guard was very much down & I was far away visiting relatives. Had I known she was dead serious, I would've tried to (A) discourage her & (B) alert other folks such as her parents, police (well being check) or the emergency services if I felt she was already exceedingly drugged.

Anyhow, I have begun to attend grief counseling for this whole thing so I can mentally move on from this chapter.
 

Eusebius

Hummingbird
Gold Member
I agree with the above advice that going no-contact is the better option. (Not "ghosting" with no closure or explanation).
Nothing good comes out of continued late-night texts and "remote watching a show together" and so on. This just makes it harder for the troubled person to make the changes they need.

I'm sorry for your loss.
 
We don't know her judgement. Many Christians believe that people who commit suicide go straight to hell. I'm not sure If I believe this because the majority of suicidal victims are mentally ill, and our God is a loving, forgiving God who knows are thoughts, feelings, and rationales. I would start by praying the Rosary at her grave and bringing Holy Water to sprinkle or leave a bottle at her gravesite.
Many Catholic Saints and mystics say that prayers to the dead in purgatory help ease their burden of purification and give them a sort of comfort.
I will pray for the repose of her soul.

I do not believe that a just merciful God condemns people to hell for suicide, and I see no biblical basis for the idea that suicide is explicitly a damnable offense. It is technically "killing of the self" but it is not explicitly called out or condemned in the Bible.
 

Cervantes

Woodpecker
I do not believe that a just merciful God condemns people to hell for suicide, and I see no biblical basis for the idea that suicide is explicitly a damnable offense. It is technically "killing of the self" but it is not explicitly called out or condemned in the Bible.
The technical argument for this is that killing anyone - including yourself - is a mortal sin, and since you kill yourself you don't have the opportunity to repent and then confess that sin.

Some hopes that a suicide may be spared:

1. A person can have an epiphany of perfect contrition in the last moment,
2 A person who does this in a heat of passion ( like you find out something terrible and immediately do yourself in) may be less culpable.
3.Someone who is mentally ill (you must be in control to be culpable.
 
Gents, I was completely blindsided by the suicide death of a BPD (borderline personality disorder) ex very recently (that I was still friends with & had hung out with as recently as mid-January 2021). I had initially met her back in August of 2018. I found out about her passing literally the morning of her funeral 3 days after her passing. I did end up attending the funeral & interment / burial.

In the minutes prior to her presumably intentional overdosing of prescription pills, she had been texting me with cryptic texts that were kind of blaming me & others for either neglecting her or not considering her to have ever been of any value in this world. A couple lines did sound a little suicidal in nature, but she has said these kinds of lines in the past & it usually end up being "the boy who cried wolf" type of situation in which nothing would ultimately materialize. Since I was now trying to be less emotionally invested & trying not to perturb her further, I made the mistake of not picking up the phone & actually calling her. I simply texted back responses to her texts. Had I heard her voice & recognized a true emergency, I know that I would've tried my best to make the appropriate calls to family members and/or emergency personnel in her area (her suburb township or the 911 equivalent) to do a psychiatric wellness check. But this set of texts occurred at roughly 1:45 AM to 2:45 AM in her timezone until the time she stopped responding. Meanwhile I was laying down in bed at a relative's home out of state for the weekend 300 miles away. I figured she was going to simply go to sleep. Well, she did not respond to texts of mine the next couple days & finally 3 days later I Googled her name after no responses & saw her obituary! I was floor & overcome with tremendous emotions such as sadness, shock, grief, regret, etc.

A few hours before the crazy texts referenced above, she had called me on the phone. Although she sounded a bit down, she sounded kind of hopeful when she asked me if I could remotely watch a movie together and mutually comment on it. I mentioned to her that I needed to hang out with my relatives for a bit that night before POSSIBLY being able to partake in such an activity. Needless to say, it got late (well past midnight) by the time I texted her an apology for not calling back & then she went into the series of cryptic / blaming / subtly suicidal texts referenced in the above paragraph. Literally 3 days prior to this she sounded pretty good on the phone & even cheerful at some moments! But this is typical BPD behavior I believe. Full of ups & downs (but WAY MORE downs).

At the funeral reception I was given the cold shoulder by her core friend group as if I was a contributing factor to all of this. The family was polite with me although I had stopped talking to them 3 months back due to an idiotic drunken misunderstanding (I take the blame for that) right around the time approaching Christmas. Ultimately, we have to remember that this woman had issues long before she met me. She had divulged that she had once been institutionalized at a rough sounding place for a few days after a friend of one of her friends snitched on her for saying something suicidal sounding back then (probably about 4 years ago).

Sure, our times together were turbulent & full of ups & downs. But overall, I gave her something to look forward to when I was more actively in her life. I feel guilt for not trying to engage with her even on a platonic level these past couple of months. But I had been trying to protect myself & watch myself these past couple months and lay low for a bit. I was ready to break bread with her ironically at any time now (whether grabbing a bite to eat, catch a movie, etc.) instead of also trying to yearn for the fornication that I had come to expect in the past. Prior to my misunderstanding with her parents, I used to watch movies with her at her place all the time (with her BPD, she had no choice but to live with her parents) & we had made the best of those days as well. I truly think that the increased isolation (COVID era) along with my past conflicts that led to my withdrawing from her, did accelerate her course towards this ultimate decision. Nonetheless, this fate might have been somewhat inevitable in her case. Either way, I feel AWFUL.

I am looking into grief counseling groups that I may be attending quite soon. My parents are further ahead in their spiritual journey (Catholic) and have encouraged me to get closer to God. I have never been dealt such a morbid hand from someone I have cared about or been so close to in my entire life. Certainly I have seen elderly relatives die in the past & it was very sad. But this feeling is something I don't wish on anyone. Surviving the suicide of someone you are close to is a brand new level of pain.

I encourage all of you to chime in on any advice, feedback, or spiritual guidance you may have for my situation. Thank you.


It is not your fault and her death has nothing to do with anything you did or supposedly failed to do. There was absolutely nothing you could have ever done to save her, because you cannot save her from herself.

Once a man realizes, "I cannot save her from herself" then he knows he has no business sticking around or being on the radar of a train-wreck borderline. You literally cannot do anything other than be a witness to her self-destructive implosion, and that is the best-case scenario. Worst-case scenario she takes you with her or she makes an accusation of impropriety against you.

Sometimes you just have to let people go because you cannot save them from themselves when they are intent on destroying themselves. It isn't your fault. It was never your charge in life to save her from herself.

We can hope she found the peace in death that eluded her in life.
 
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