Mourning the suicide death of a BPD ex that I remained friendly with


Gents, I was completely blindsided by the suicide death of a BPD (borderline personality disorder) ex very recently (that I was still friends with & had hung out with as recently as mid-January 2021). I had initially met her back in August of 2018. I found out about her passing literally the morning of her funeral 3 days after her passing. I did end up attending the funeral & interment / burial.

In the minutes prior to her presumably intentional overdosing of prescription pills, she had been texting me with cryptic texts that were kind of blaming me & others for either neglecting her or not considering her to have ever been of any value in this world. A couple lines did sound a little suicidal in nature, but she has said these kinds of lines in the past & it usually end up being "the boy who cried wolf" type of situation in which nothing would ultimately materialize. Since I was now trying to be less emotionally invested & trying not to perturb her further, I made the mistake of not picking up the phone & actually calling her. I simply texted back responses to her texts. Had I heard her voice & recognized a true emergency, I know that I would've tried my best to make the appropriate calls to family members and/or emergency personnel in her area (her suburb township or the 911 equivalent) to do a psychiatric wellness check. But this set of texts occurred at roughly 1:45 AM to 2:45 AM in her timezone until the time she stopped responding. Meanwhile I was laying down in bed at a relative's home out of state for the weekend 300 miles away. I figured she was going to simply go to sleep. Well, she did not respond to texts of mine the next couple days & finally 3 days later I Googled her name after no responses & saw her obituary! I was floor & overcome with tremendous emotions such as sadness, shock, grief, regret, etc.

A few hours before the crazy texts referenced above, she had called me on the phone. Although she sounded a bit down, she sounded kind of hopeful when she asked me if I could remotely watch a movie together and mutually comment on it. I mentioned to her that I needed to hang out with my relatives for a bit that night before POSSIBLY being able to partake in such an activity. Needless to say, it got late (well past midnight) by the time I texted her an apology for not calling back & then she went into the series of cryptic / blaming / subtly suicidal texts referenced in the above paragraph. Literally 3 days prior to this she sounded pretty good on the phone & even cheerful at some moments! But this is typical BPD behavior I believe. Full of ups & downs (but WAY MORE downs).

At the funeral reception I was given the cold shoulder by her core friend group as if I was a contributing factor to all of this. The family was polite with me although I had stopped talking to them 3 months back due to an idiotic drunken misunderstanding (I take the blame for that) right around the time approaching Christmas. Ultimately, we have to remember that this woman had issues long before she met me. She had divulged that she had once been institutionalized at a rough sounding place for a few days after a friend of one of her friends snitched on her for saying something suicidal sounding back then (probably about 4 years ago).

Sure, our times together were turbulent & full of ups & downs. But overall, I gave her something to look forward to when I was more actively in her life. I feel guilt for not trying to engage with her even on a platonic level these past couple of months. But I had been trying to protect myself & watch myself these past couple months and lay low for a bit. I was ready to break bread with her ironically at any time now (whether grabbing a bite to eat, catch a movie, etc.) instead of also trying to yearn for the fornication that I had come to expect in the past. Prior to my misunderstanding with her parents, I used to watch movies with her at her place all the time (with her BPD, she had no choice but to live with her parents) & we had made the best of those days as well. I truly think that the increased isolation (COVID era) along with my past conflicts that led to my withdrawing from her, did accelerate her course towards this ultimate decision. Nonetheless, this fate might have been somewhat inevitable in her case. Either way, I feel AWFUL.

I am looking into grief counseling groups that I may be attending quite soon. My parents are further ahead in their spiritual journey (Catholic) and have encouraged me to get closer to God. I have never been dealt such a morbid hand from someone I have cared about or been so close to in my entire life. Certainly I have seen elderly relatives die in the past & it was very sad. But this feeling is something I don't wish on anyone. Surviving the suicide of someone you are close to is a brand new level of pain.

I encourage all of you to chime in on any advice, feedback, or spiritual guidance you may have for my situation. Thank you.
I feel the need to share that my uncle went through the exact same thing. He was in love with this woman who ended up dumping him (she felt he didn't make enough). It bothered him for years, and he never stopped loving her.

A little over a decade later, she had had a mental collapse, and was in and out of mental hospitals. While being transferred from one to the other, she opened the back of the van (while it was on the highway going 75) and jumped out, killing herself.

He has since married, but has never gotten over it. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this man.