My dad’s longing for the past is killing our family

2 days ago, my dad knocked on my door and visited me without an appointment. It surprised me, because he never visited without my mom and because he didn’t let me know beforehand as he usually does. He got in and took a seat. He told me he had a big fight with my mom and that he wanted to escape so he came here. He seemed very upset and didn’t say much else. There was an awkward silence between us, as for me and my dad never really had a relationship and he was never there for me when I grew up except for kicking my ass trying to discipline me and humiliate me when I didn’t do as he told me to. He always compared me to his friend’s son’s and asked me why I wasn’t more like them, and that he had gotten the unlucky child while they had the good ones. He always said he wishes he had his friend’s sons rather than me as a son.

He was a very strict traditional man coming from a middle eastern family himself, he never actually learned how to be a father, but rather acted like a dictator in the house. For that reason, I grew up despising him and everything he did. I ran from home multiple times and didn’t want to return after he beat the shit out of me when he was angry. I sometimes wished he was dead or absent instead of being physically and mentally abusive. I didn’t love him; I only respected him and never said a bad word about him when he was present.

I envied the other fathers seeing them all have a strong and healthy relationship with their sons and showing interest in their son’s hobbies and school. My dad never showed interest in any of the sports I played and never cared to ask once. I told myself I will never be like my dad when I grow up. I want to love and treat my children with the utmost care and respect. At 20 I moved from home to study at university and this was the first time in my life I felt free from the toxic environment in the house. Throughout high school and throughout college, I now just finished my bachelor’s degree he never once asked me “how’s school kid?”.

And I can go much deeper with many more details but this thread isn’t about this. I’ve learned to live with the pain that he has caused me and to this day today I still tear up when I remember the days I grew up as a teenager with no relationship to my father. And I'm 24 years old today…

Anyway, he comes and tells me he wants to stay here the night and I tell him, unfortunately, he can’t because I have an appointment with some friends to come over here. He says “cancel it” and I say I can’t. “You can stay a few hours then you have to go”. I tell him he can go crash at my sister’s place; she lives very close to me. He says no. He tries to guilt-trip me by saying that he’s my father and that I should prioritize him over anyone. I say im sorry but no I can’t. He looks at me with utmost disgust and says “I wish I never had you” takes his jacket, and storms out of the door. I sit and try to absorb the knife to the heart that he had just delivered and try not to tear up. Which kind of dad says this kind of thing to his son? Despite me hating my dad growing up I never once in my life told him I hate him or that he’s a bad person. Never.

2 days later my mom comes by without an appointment. I love my mom; she was always there for me growing up and im very sorry that my hatred towards my dad has impacted her so hard since I never visit home anymore because I don’t want to speak with my dad. She always asks me if I hate her, if she has done anything wrong to me since I don’t want to visit home and see her, but she doesn’t understand the reasons why I don’t visit. When she visits me here at my place once a month with my father present, she says I don’t enjoy their company and wish it’d be over as quick as possible. And she thinks it’s because of her. Poor woman.

She tells me my dad has been unusually on his phone for the past 3 weeks and has been acting suspiciously. She tells me he started a Facebook Messenger group chat with some of his old college friends from the late 80’s/90’s. One night when she couldn’t sleep she caught him sitting outside of the house at 3 AM talking on the phone with someone, he quickly hid the phone and pretended like nothing. Another episode she caught him again not at work and speaking on the phone to someone. He quickly hid the phone again. My mom had enough, she searched the house one day and found his hidden phone and decided to check it all out. She called back the number which was lately called multiple times. It was a woman, the same age as him. Apparently, it’s someone from the group chat he used to go to college with. The woman excused very much and told my mother that she never knew he was a married man. He had created an online persona and told her that he was single and is looking to get married and was taking advice from her. My mom was shocked. She arranged with the woman that she would call him and expose him. One day when he got back from work my mom grabbed the phone and told him someone is on the line wanting to speak to you. It’s the woman. She tells him to never contact her again and that a religious man like him should be ashamed to lie to his own family. My 2 sisters witness all of this. One is 25 and the other is 15. They love their father but after this episode, they are ashamed of him and don’t ever want to speak to him again. They ask him to apologize to our mother but he refuses and instead starts shouting that she shouldn’t spy on him. Now he feels like he has lost everyone around him. He told me the last time we spoke that he still very much loves my mother, but that he sometimes has urges for other women, not for the sexual intimacy, but for the attention they give him. He lacks that in his life. His exact words are "I miss getting the attention from women and feeling desired, your mother doesn't give me this anymore".

My mom is very hurt and confused. She has been with my father for 25 years now and this happens. She is quite emotional and is talking about a divorce, but I tell her there is a reason for everything and try to explain to her the situation. Despite everything my father has done to me, I know for a fact that he’s a good person. He wants the best for people, but he comes out very wrong and his ego is holding him back. He never admits to his own mistakes. It would be like death to him. What I see it is that the man has a midlife crisis and is lacking attention and love that he used to get when he was younger. Last time we spoke he told me he misses being a young man again and having people respect and love him, look up to him. He had status and had a top tier job back in the days and had a position high up the ladder. Nowadays he hates his work and feels like his life is over and that my mother doesn’t give him the affection she used to when they were young. I want to know if you guys think he’s just confused right now and reminisce the old days where he was popular compared to his shitty life now. My father is not a cheater, he's a religious man, he has only ever been with 1 woman throughout his entire life, my mother.

He has been missing for 4 days now. His phone is off, he is nowhere to be found.

I have the utmost respect for the people on this forum and you've helped me become a much better person, a more religious person and a more red pilled man. I hope to hear your advice on how i should tackle this situation.
 
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LINUX

Ostrich
Gold Member
Do you have autism?

You should probably let us know that before we start giving you advice.
 

KingDavid

Sparrow
Matthew 19:19
‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”

You broke a commandment and must pray for forgiveness that your soul may be saved. What grace is there in loving only those that do as you please?

Love your father.
 

big poppa

Kingfisher
Gold Member
My first thought is it was very wrong to kick him from your house when he obviously needed someone, although you do have my sympathy on what sounds like a very tough upbringing.
 

La Águila Negra

Kingfisher
Why is everybody so harsh on someone that spoke out about a very personal and delicate issue?

OP. Your father will resurface when he decides the time is right. From what I am hearing he has been living life basically one his terms for his entire life. Which is a good thing, unless you damage those around you

I recognize the toxicity that you are speaking about. And the sigh of relief it gives whenever you are not in that stuffy, negative environment

About your relationship with your dad, there is no excuse for physical and mental abuse. Words like 'I wish I never had you' can cause so much trauma that it might be better to cut contact temporary. After the dust has settled you can start thinking about rebuilding the relationship

I also recognize the lack of communicational skills of your father, and his pride that keeps him from changing. Make sure you talk about what bothers you, about how you see your future relationship. Be open to suggestions from his side too. You might want to apologise for kicking him out when he was so disstressed because you prioritised a night out with your buddies

If necessary make it a one on one conversation, as he can see him folding in front of a third person as loss of face

Can't say anything more really
 
I also recognize the lack of communicational skills of your father, and his pride that keeps him from changing. Make sure you talk about what bothers you, about how you see your future relationship. Be open to suggestions from his side too. You might want to apologise for kicking him out when he was so disstressed because you prioritised a night out with your buddies

If necessary make it a one on one conversation, as he can see him folding in front of a third person as loss of face

Can't say anything more really
[/QUOTE]

I disagree about the OP doing something wrong by prioritizing his friends over his father. This young man's dad treated him very abusively for many years, and so he got what he deserved. The father has made his bed, and now it is time for him to lay in it.

I suppose to have Christlike love means that the OP should turn the other cheek, despite the many offenses made that tear at his heart. I agree that he needs to sit down and have a heart to heart with his dad. But I am not so sure how possible that will be. I suspect what his father really wanted was to simply crash at his apartment for several days, to bide his time while his wife cooled down.

Growing old and the losses involved can be hard, as the OP's father is learning. I've seen other people who were haughty and mean-spirited, get royally humbled by age, and it was a real pleasure to watch.

I hope the father can be objective about himself, humble himself and make some positive changes. But he does not sound like he will. And the mother may be the type who takes him back, no matter what, so that the pressure on him to change will dissolve. To be blunt, the father needs a wife to stand up for herself, and a good clergyman and therapist, to help with both himself and his marriage.

In my own case, my charming pua type father abandoned the family when I was not quite two. I grew up with no contact from him, and it hurt like hell to not have a father. I needed one. I feel a connection with this young man, who despite having had a father in the home, did not have a loving connection, but instead received ugly abuse and rejection.
 
Hahah okay I see your point. I just hope OP recovers his family relations as quickly as I did by never entertaining those dreaded negative thoughts.

Gossip queens never admit they were gossiping.
 
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Athanasius

Kingfisher
From a Christian perspective, honoring your father is important. The goal should be looking to restore or perhaps create a relationship. My father died years ago, and there are things I'd do over but can't.

The target is a relationship that involves boundaries. You're no longer a minor under his care, so no more bullying on his part (although seek to be charitable with his weaknesses). This applies doubly if you have a wife and children. Mom and Dad don't get to dictate your household. You own that and are accountable to God for it.

If you feel safe around him and he returns, I'd suggest airing it out with him.
 

deerhunter

Sparrow
Gold Member
I am guessing your dad kept a roof over your head for a lot of years. Maybe you could have returned the favor for a night.
 
I would be worried if I had a father who disappeared for four days. But wait, mine disappeared for decades, and I had to hire a private eye! Lol But anyway, try to track him down to make sure he is okay, and then have a meaningful conversation, if possible. I suspect he is either in a motel room, or staying with a friend around his own age. And in any discussion, gently but firmly remind him of the deep pain he caused you, from his dictatorial and abusive parenting style, and the consequences of it. If he can't handle that, it's his problem, and not yours.

I would seriously consider having him stay at your place if he still wanted to, as a means to try to connect with him. But he might pull the stunt he did earlier, of saying something very hurtful, and then tearing out the door. But it would be worth trying.

And also try hard to reassure your mother. This is a really hard time for her.

This whole thing is a potential growth experience for your father, *if* he and others handle it right.

Did his own father treat him abusively? Do you know? I had a stepfather who was rotten, and my mother always assumed the explanation was that he had terrible parents. But we finally got to meet them and they were good people. They explained that he had always been a bad seed, even as just a kid. He had a brother who was the same way. The other three siblings were okay.
 
It may not be possible, but I'd recommend building a relationship with your blood over friends. Our brain chemicals in the teens and early 20s tell us our peers are more important than family. It's just a temporary thing. If you had a great relationship with your parents before you hit this stage it's easy to become close again as you age. Since that's not the case, don't miss out on the opportunity right now. Even if you stay friends for life, most of the peers you hang out with now will see you a couple of times per year in a decade. Good blood relationships will be much more fulfilling.
 

Errol

Pigeon
I don't have any advice on how to find your father but maybe to deal better with the relationship.
I grew up in a very blue collar family.
We were middle class, but definitely lower middle class compared to my friends, and money was always a concern.
Today, in my late thirties, I have etched out what I think is a decidedly upper middle class existence, albeit at the expense of pursuing my own career before the possibility of starting a family.
Anyway, my old man didn't make a heck of a whole lot of money, and now that he is retired, and was divorce-raped by my mother, he basically is living below middle class, in a tiny little apartment, and every time I visit, all he ever does is watch television or listen to classic rock.
I bring this up because one of the most important things I have learned in my life is you will most likely never change your parents, and your life today is so different than what your parents can relate to, they will never understand anything you try to relate to them.
I think Roosh briefly talked about this once on an early livestream, but life today is so different and atomized, it has no relation to the experience of your parents from just thirty to forty year ago, and no amount of trying to explain it to them will ever make them understand.
Best to just accept them for who they are, love them the best you can, and get on with the experience of living your own life and pursuing your own goals.
Do what you can for your parents, but don't let them interfere with your own good.
Talk to them, but understand that they will never understand your own experience, and do your best to just accept that and not try to change them.
 

Lovinglife

Woodpecker
No one has perfect parents. I have the same story but my mental abuse was from my mum, not my dad. She use to get mad and say the most mean things like "I wish I choke you as a baby." etc... I couldn't be I the same room as my mum for 5 minutes when I was young up to the age of 30. It was that bad! Now we get along fine.

I forgave my mum cause she doesn't know any better and has many demons where parents pass them down to their children. Everyone has their demons and no one is perfect!

Your dad didn't have an affair where it sounds like he just wanted some female attention. Not a big deal in my books where I think you need to ask him, "how do you think mum feels about it?" "what would you do if mum was talking to other men?"

I'm sure things will work out once your mum and dad has a serious talk where I'm sure they have gone through enough tough times together (25 years).

To me, your Dad sounds like a real alpha and I'm kind of jealous cause my dad is the opposite. I'm sure you have grown up to be an alpha male cause of your dad where I had to teach myself to be an alpha.

Try to look at the good in people cause it's easy to look at the bad. I start everyday being grateful for everything I have. Life is too short!
 
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Coming from a similar environment as OP, I totally understand his actions towards his father. I see the sense of entitlement and the lack of responsibility for his own actions his father has. He lacks humility and he needs that to overcome part of his crisis, if not all. I don't know how he'll react if you or somebody else points it out, so that's up to you, but I suggest you to pray your father finds humility to change his ways, and to make amends with you and your family, and good luck.
 

Speculation

Kingfisher
This crisis is one of his father's own making. As Tercio said above its his entitlement and lack of responsibility for his own actions that has lead him here.

Family ties are very important, but the responsibility of maintaining them comes from all members, not just the children. I can see why OP left after growing up in a stifling environment with a father that was physically and emotionally abusive. His father came demanding help, and then threw a tantrum when refused.

Its to OP's credit that he wishes to mend the situation, but the solution to this must come from his father doing some deep introspection and taking ownership of his selfish behavior. All OP is responsible for is to be open to reconciliation when his father makes a genuine heartfelt and humble attempt to repair the emotional destruction he has wrought.

Reconciling without his father changing his behavior will just result in a similar situation further down the line. I would really recommend the father get professional therapy to hold a mirror up to his actions, but I know that this path can be difficult to promote to people from more traditional cultures.
 
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