My wife left me and it's my fault

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Rob Banks

Pelican
Ok, so I know I am probably going to get shit on pretty hard for this since I've had some questionable posts on this forum in the past, but I need some advice and I figured this is a good place to get honest, no-bullshit advice.

This was one of my last posts on this forum before I stopped coming here, and Roosh's (edited) response to my post:

Roosh said:
I'm actually quite young. 27. I have known my wife since I was 16 and she was 17. Granted, she is not American, and I met her overseas in my mom's country.

Yes, I realize I got very lucky.
Do you have fear that she will one day cuck you? Are you having doubts about her current behavior? Is she Ukrainian/Russian?

It doesn't make sense that...[you are] the one with the ideal virgin bride.
...
Your aggression/angst is coming from somewhere.
...
Something doesn't add up.
Roosh was absolutely right. Something didn't add up. About a month after I stopped posting here, my wife left. I have no problem going into details if asked. I am not going into details right now because I want to keep this post relatively short. What I will say is that there were drugs and violence involved. Her parents, who I used to get along with, don't speak to me anymore and have advised her to stay away from me. She is very close with them and takes her father's advice very seriously.

Like I said, I will go into details if anyone asks.

After that, we stayed in contact and even went out a few times last summer, but I ended up doing some things that drove her away again (not drug- or violence-related). We currently communicate only online and we haven't had contact in about 3 weeks.

I posted my story, with all the details, on a forum called Talk About Marriage (or something like that) and the responses I received were overwhelmingly negative. I was told basically that I was abusive and that my wife should stay away from me, and that I need to accept this and move on and meet someone else.

"Accept it and move on" is also the advice I am getting from everyone besides my closest friends. However, I know her very well and I do not believe she would stay in contact with me -- over her father's objections -- if she was really done with me and trying to meet other men. I believe she would divorce me first, which she has not done.

I also find it very hard to "accept it and move on." I can't accept getting cucked. I can't accept losing the person closest to me and knowing that she will eventually start a family with another man. The fact that it is my fault only makes it worse. It is as if I was drunk-driving and I got into an accident and my whole family died. I would have to be a sociopath to just get over it and move on like nothing happened.

Anyway, I feel like most of the people who have told me to "accept it, move on, meet someone else" are coming from a blue-pill modern perspective where they don't see the breakup of a marriage as a big deal. I am told that I am just "heartbroken" and that once I meet someone else I will not care about my wife anymore. This sounds like BS to me. But I could be wrong. Maybe they are right. That is why I wanted to post on here to see what you guys think.

Someone else also told me that I should forget about her because she "isn't loyal" (because if she was loyal she would never leave me no matter what). But this doesn't feel right either. I did everything I could to drive her away, and as far as I know she is still waiting for me (as in she hasn't dated other men or divorced me). Until she does one of these things, it is hard to consider her disloyal.

Like I said, I didn't post details because this post is already long enough as is, but I will be willing to post details in this thread or through PM if anyone asks.

Thank you.
 
Buddy, it seems to me like she's still into you if she makes an attempt to communicate with you despite her fathers wishes. You can salvage this, but only if you COMMUNICATE. You need to tell her exactly how you feel about her. With no bullshit. Straight to the point. Apologize profoundly, CONVINCE her that you've changed for the better. And you actually should change for the better.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
No More Mr. Soy Boy said:
Sad to hear. But what qualities does she have that you think is worth fighting for then and don't see in a lot of other women?
She was a virgin when I met her and she comes from a traditional family.

Apart from this, we were always so close. It's not something that I can really put into words. I'll put it this way: When I would tell her about my day, it felt more like I was thinking to myself than talking to another person. That's how much it felt like she was a part of me.

Even after being split up and not really talking for months, when we finally saw each other, it was like nothing had changed. She was obviously upset at me about a lot of things and she expressed this to me and I apologized, but after that, for the next few hours, it was like things were back to the way they used to be. The chemistry and the closeness we always had was still there. She was still the same person she always was.

Herr Dickenstein said:
Buddy, it seems to me like she's still into you if she makes an attempt to communicate with you despite her fathers wishes. You can salvage this, but only if you COMMUNICATE. You need to tell her exactly how you feel about her. With no bullshit. Straight to the point. Apologize profoundly, CONVINCE her that you've changed for the better. And you actually should change for the better.
Good to hear.

Unfortunately, I have done this a million times. I have apologized so many times. After she left, I did change for the better. I never touched drugs again and was never violent again. But I still had other bad qualities.

Like I said, I know her very well. If I started insisting that I've changed, I'm so sorry, I want to see her, etc., that would make her uncomfortable and she would not respond. All I can do is try to talk to her about other things. For example, I still get mail for her at my house. I can text her when I get mail and offer to deliver it. Also I can write her letters wishing her well and letting her know how I'm doing. That wouldn't make her uncomfortable.

The reason we aren't currently talking is because a few weeks ago I did something that made me look crazy and made me look like I hadn't changed at all. My close friends and family have advised me to give it time before I try to contact her again, and told me that even with time it might not work out. This may have been the final straw.
 

hervens

Sparrow
Like Herr Dickenstein said, she's still trying to communicate so it's still not over yet.

However, getting back together without some profound change on your part will only bring you back to the same problem.
You seem to have a good girl by your side. Don't let her slip away that easily.
I'll wait a couple of days before contacting her again and see how she responds. Don't act desperate.

However, whatever you do make sure to hold your frame. Be a man of good virtue, say what you mean and mean what you say.
 
Odds are good that she'll come around in time. Could be weeks, could be years. Hard to predict the time without more details, but the odds are better if you don't come across as too desperate. So I think your instinct about apologizing is right, whatever it may be.

Side note, blue pills call everything "abusive" in this day and age. (You think your wife shouldn't cheat on you? Abuser!) Ignore them...
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Post links to the other forum you were asking advice on. It will suffice for additional information and to get a sense of your conduct there when offered meaningful advice.
 
I do not have enough elements to judge but of you were into drugs be sure that if I was that woman s father I would do everything to save her from you and your nefarious influence.
You played ; you lost. I can say bravo to her father .
Next girl you find ; be more in line with what is a correct behaviour and it will work .

Accept and move on .
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Leonard D Neubache said:
Post links to the other forum you were asking advice on. It will suffice for additional information and to get a sense of your conduct there when offered meaningful advice.
Ok, here goes:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/physi...ft-me-due-my-addiction-violence-has-ptsd.html

I realize I'm going to get shit on pretty hard after you guys read this. I am far from being the man I need to be to have a wife and raise a family.

Just someting to add: Since the time when I posted on that forum, several things have happened. First, she started talking to me again and being friendly several days after I posted on that forum. She was supposed to come over to my house one day to drop off some papers, but she never showed up. She told me she got extremely traumatized by the thought of coming over to my house and decided not to come. That was in November. Since then, she has not really been friendly and has only given me short answers (or no answer at all) when I try to talk to her.

Then, a few weeks ago, I did a couple of really stupid things that drover her away further. I acted extremely desperate and said some bad things I didn't mean that made me look immature and crazy. We have not talked since. Previously, we had an arrangement where I would pick up her medication from the pharmacy every month and drop it off at her mailbox. After this incident, she switched pharmacies.

I have changed in that I haven't done drugs or engaged in violence in almost a year, but I am still very far from being the man I need to be in order to have a wife and take care of a family. I realize I do not deserve her if I were her father I would also probably advise her to stay away from me.

Nevertheless, I would like to save the relationship even if it takes years. I cannot stand the thought of being cucked, and I also cannot stand the thought of spending my entire life with a different woman and having to explain to her that she was my "plan B."
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Leonard D Neubache said:
Are you open to the fact that this is a spiritual infection you cannot fight without Christ?
Yes.

I have been reading the Bible and praying, but I don't go to church because none of my family or friends does and I don't really feel comfortable going by myself if I don't know anyone.
 

worldwidetraveler

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Rob, what I am about to say I say without judgement. It isn't my place to judge you or her or anyone.

Your past posts come across as aggressive and from what you said, in this thread and the talkaboutmarriage thread, you are acting out aggressively towards your wife. It could possibly be that you are not in a good place to be married. Maybe you are stressing about something else in life that is making you lash out. Something that is possibly making you feel insecure? You don't need to answer here, but maybe think about it. You won't be able to correct your behavior until you figure out what is causing it.

You may want to start thinking about your wife for a change and how staying married to you will impact her health if you are not in a good place and lashing out aggressively is a common occurrence. All I have seen is what you want. You are worried about losing her. You don't want her to find another man and have a family. Well, it isn't all about you now is it. Maybe that way of thinking is what is getting you into this mess to begin with.

You may need some therapy. If you don't change what is ailing you then no relationship will work. I am talking from experience mate.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
worldwidetraveler said:
...
You don't want her to find another man and have a family. Well, it isn't all about you now is it.
...
Yes, I suppose I have been selfish. In fact, she has told me many times to my face that I am selfish. I realize it is not good for her to be with me when I am the way I am, and I probably need to respect her decision to keep her distance.

However, I could never go as far as to tell her "Good luck. I hope you find a good man and have a family with him." It is simply not in my nature. I will always consider her to be my wife, and therefore if another man gets with her, I would be getting cucked. I simply cannot accept that and I will do anything in my power to prevent that from happening.

worldwidetraveler said:
...
You may need some therapy.
...
I have had only bad experiences with professional help. However, I do have some close friends and family who I talk to and they are very helpful. Unfortunately, it has been too often that I panic and disregard their advice and instead act out and make the situation worse.
 

worldwidetraveler

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Rob Banks said:
worldwidetraveler said:
...
You don't want her to find another man and have a family. Well, it isn't all about you now is it.
...
Yes, I suppose I have been selfish. In fact, she has told me many times to my face that I am selfish. I realize it is not good for her to be with me when I am the way I am, and I probably need to respect her decision to keep her distance.

However, I could never go as far as to tell her "Good luck. I hope you find a good man and have a family with him." It is simply not in my nature. I will always consider her to be my wife, and therefore if another man gets with her, I would be getting cucked. I simply cannot accept that and I will do anything in my power to prevent that from happening.
Yeah, I wouldn't tell her good luck and find someone else. Sorry if that was the impression I gave. I would start looking into therapy and trying to fix myself. No matter what happens you need to fix whatever the problem is. Personally speaking, from my own experiences, getting back together before fixing the problem is just going end your relationship. Best to start repairing the issues and by the grace of God it all works out in the end with your wife.

I'd also worry less about being cucked and more about what was making me act aggressively. Focusing on the things you can't control won't help you at all.

Edited to add: Your friends may not be able to help out with the issues which is why I mentioned therapy. If this has been happening since you've been married you should change up what you're doing. It isn't working.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Rob Banks said:
Leonard D Neubache said:
Are you open to the fact that this is a spiritual infection you cannot fight without Christ?
Yes.

I have been reading the Bible and praying, but I don't go to church because none of my family or friends does and I don't really feel comfortable going by myself if I don't know anyone.
First let me say that the creatures that are oppressing your soul will come up with every retarded excuse imaginable to prevent you from going to church.

The day of my first Mass? I was going to call it off because my pants didn't suit my jacket and I didn't want to look stupid.

GO TO CHURCH.

And not some rubbish feelgood denomination either. Orthodox or Catholic. You will find better men here to guide you on the ins and outs regardless of which you choose.

But it's not enough just to go to church. You have to submit yourself to Christ and ask for his salvation to release you from the hold of the things oppressing you. This simple act changed my life. I was not as far gone as you are now but you still need to start at the beginning.

Your wife knows that what plagues you has not fled your presence. Women are sensitive to this kind of stuff in the same way children are. She knows subconsciously that regardless of the apparent gains you have made that the creatures which drove you to this insanity are merely sleeping, not gone.

Go to a proper church. Renounce satan and all his worldy offerings. Offer yourself without reservation to Christ the Redeemer. Don't just think it. Say it. All of it.

God willing you can find a priest who will help you be free of what haunts you in a very literal sense. Until that time you need to understand that rejecting satan and accepting Christ's protection from the manipulations of the devil's servants is a constant process. Like sunlight day by day destroying mold and mildew. This will be a painful process that you are highly advised against taking alone. One or more spiritual advisors who understand this process is a must. At times you will be struck by the true gravity of your past actions and you will be floored by it. Your pride will be manipulated by the devil to think you need to do this by yourself. DON'T LISTEN!

Though you have sinned against your wife and against God's order by default you must remember at all times that the only sin that cannot be forgiven is the sin you are too ashamed to ask forgiveness for. Read that last sentence ten times if you have to. God is the final arbiter of your sins. Not you. If you try to place yourself above him as a judge on your own sins then you are by default disallowing him to forgive you.

Your fears about losing your wife, in particular to another man, are fears the agents of satan are using to control you. She is your wife and though she is not at your side you are by definition bound to her in spirit. I suggest you put your faith in God to keep her bound to you while you tend to the severe infection you've suffered. You should not seek her out while you still suffer this infection because she can smell the stink of it on you, just as she did strongly every time those things infecting you took near-total control.

I strongly suggest you interact through her father who is apparently a very patient and merciful man considering you still walk the earth. Don't rely on cheap manipulation to get your wife back. Her father will be a far better arbiter of whether you have reformed enough to justify his daughter's return.

By necessity you will have to break with all peoples and hobbies that have led you down this dark path and into your spiritual infection. Consider the presence of these things akin to attempting to cure yourself of the plague while visiting camps of infected.

Place a holy cross no matter how small on the doorframe of every room in your house so that your thoughts never stray far from God.

Learn to pray, even if it's primitively. I began twice a day with the Lord's prayer and haven't gotten much further than that, but even that small effort has yielded immense results. Kneel and pray verbally. Not just in your head.

All of that is just for starters. God willing the priest at the church you choose can help you personally with your dilemmas. Do not open the conversation with "I'm possessed and I need an exorcist". Just tell them your problem and that you want help to become free of the devil's grip on you. Hopefully they will be able to help you or point you to someone who can.

No offence to WWT but Jesus has a better track record than therapy.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Leonard, thank you for the response. You are absolutely right.

Leonard D Neubache said:
I strongly suggest you interact through her father who is apparently a very patient and merciful man considering you still walk the earth. Don't rely on cheap manipulation to get your wife back. Her father will be a far better arbiter of whether you have reformed enough to justify his daughter's return.
I would love to eventually speak with her father. However, I'm not sure if this will be possible. Back when she left last February, I was in a very dark place. My clueless family offered to go talk to her parents for me (I was living in the US at the time and her parents live in South America). I was in such a dark place and so out of it that I accepted the offer to send a family member of mine to her parents' house. Yes, I realize how immature this made me look.

Her father told my family member to fuck off, and also refused to speak to me on the phone. After this, my wife was very upset and asked me never to contact her family again. She says she doesn't like it when I get other people involved in our private business.

With this in mind, do you still recommend I try and talk to her father eventually?
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Does she go to church?

I think a close-to-ideal solution would be for her to attend a different church location of the same denomination and you could keep in contact through the priests. This way she will be inclined to maintain fidelity while getting status updates from a trustworthy source. I should hope the clergy involved could facilitate this if you broach the subject respectfully and honestly.

I'm not an expert on these matters though so perhaps someone else can chime in.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Leonard D Neubache said:
Does she go to church?
No, unfortunately she does not.

I used to be an atheist, and when I finally realized that God exists, me and her actually had arguments about it. She would look at me like I was an alien every time I tried to talk to her about it.

She believes in God, though. She just doesn't know it.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Well this may be an opportunity to get her on board albeit in a circuitous manner. If she sees that it can change you then she will be more inclined to accept Christ.

If you can find a spiritual advisor then maybe he will be kind enough to provide her with his number so she can at least check in on your progress.

I have to get some sleep. Hopefully some other members can give you some better advice on keeping your wife in your orbit, albeit at a safe distance.
 
Seriously it looks you are in a bad place, my two cents.

Rob Banks said:
However, I could never go as far as to tell her "Good luck. I hope you find a good man and have a family with him." It is simply not in my nature. I will always consider her to be my wife, and therefore if another man gets with her, I would be getting cucked. I simply cannot accept that and I will do anything in my power to prevent that from happening.
This sounds really bad. You are putting yourself in a corner. You cant just say these things out loud, or even on a forum. These are not positive things. If you really cared about her you would be thinking about how all of this is affecting her now.

You just need to think about what she wants and be that guy. You already have many years of memories and such that you both must have grown together. Dont fuck that up more. If you worry too much about the situation being bad you are gonna fuck it up.As far as other guys are concerned, remember that you have 10years of history with her. Women dont like to throw that stuff away unless you are really suffocating her.

The only option is to give her space, be cool, and try to ONLY have positive interactions.

And as you can see, any little thing I do wrong (such as getting a little anxious when she doesn't respond to my texts)
You are in a tough spot and DO NOT HAVE the LUXURY of getting anxious if she dont respond to your texts.

Strengths: 10 years of history.
Weaknesses: Weak Game, Dependance, Lack of Self-Control.
 
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