My wife left me and it's my fault

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Appreciate the gift of life so many have had taken from them before their time. You are alive, on planet earth, able to enjoy all the things the world offers for free, just learn to appreciate what it around you all the time.
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Enjoy oneself in a lively and noisy way.

As posted by david.garrett84 on June 19, 2018.

Leonard D Neubache said:

"I suppose it's not to anyone's benefit to simply go back and forth over why intervening in a situation like this is a bad idea. It's more helpful to explain the why in detail. This forum typically approaches the nature of women in relation to sexual manipulation one way or another, but there are other facets of their ingrained behavior where it's important to understand the nature of women so you don't get blindsided with bad outcomes for "nice" behavior.

Women do not do "gratitude" except where it's a convenient entry to gain the continued patronage of someone they're sexually interested in.

What most men don't understand is that the very second survival has been secured, a woman will instantly mentally re-arrange the event to preserve her tribal alignments."

Emphasis on her tribe.

It's Thursday here already so Sunday is just round the corner.

Second and last repost. I have a bad feeling about this. ;)

But I don't hear any clock ticking.

Thank you,
God bless.

Rob Banks

Just out of curiosity, what type of drugs are you doing?
Fixed your question for you.

The answer is opiates.

When was the last time you talked to a priest about your problems?
I have spoken to my priest many times. His advice was not to contact my wife at all for 6-12 months.

He was very helpful and told me I could ask him and he would let me know when it was time to contact her. He also said to contact him for any reason if I feel I need to.

However, since then, he has been a lot more dismissive of me (not out of meanness but because he is genuinely very busy). He probably thought it was obvious that he was just being polite when he said "contact me anytime", and that I wouldn't take it literally.

I contacted him a few days ago after this happened and he didn't respond. When I told him I had given up and moved back to New York City, he offered to meet with me, but when I asked when he would be free, he did not respond.

I emailed him again today to tell him I was in New York and back on drugs, and he wrote back and basically told me not to give up and that I should come back to church, but he did not offer to speak with me.

It is understandable that a busy priest (SSPX has a shortage of priests) would not want to dedicate a great deal of time to someone new to the church who is always so needy of his time.

Also, I know he would probably tell me to not contact my wife and to just accept it (for now), but I do not feel like I am capable of that, especially considering how I just sabotaged such a great opportunity to reestablish friendly contact with her.

It is obvious that I will continue to squander every opportunity to prove myself to her. The demons' hold on me is simply too strong, so why fight it?

Furthermore, her "leash" (so to speak) on me gets shorter and shorter with every time I f**k up. Just the simple fact of sending her a WhatsApp text (when she asked me not to) caused her to say to me "you'll never change".

I asked God to help me get over her and reveal to me if this is not my mission in life, and instead He provided me with my wife's number and showed me she still cares deeply about me, but then He did not give me the strength to use the number wisely nor the wisdom to recognize that I should not be contacting her at all.

Like I said, the Devil's grip is too strong, so I am choosing not to fight it (at least for now). That way, at least I won't be constantly struggling against him in vain, so it won't hurt as bad.

Thanks for the reply, Roosh.

Leonard D Neubache

Gold Member
It is in the fallen one's interests to make us perceive blessings as curses and curses as blessings.

You say God blessed you with your wife's number and the devil cursed you to abuse it.

But the priest was the one who told you not to contact her, so if it were really God who provided you the means then it would be a test, not a blessing.

More likely the fallen one provided you with the number knowing how it would tempt you to go against the priest's urging. Not everything "good" thing that comes into your life is from God. People have won the lottery and died in the flaming wreck of a supercar the next day or overdosed or whatever. The fallen one will happily give us good things betting we will use them irresponsibly and he will have a pretty good laugh when we credit God with providing us the tool and detract ourselves as being the one that abused that "gift from God" because of the temptation that it presented.

You might fall a ways or maybe you'll fall less than you think but as I said earlier, you will not find the peace you think you're going to find going back to the clutches of the fallen one. He will still make you suffer because he hates you. That's why he was cast out in the first place. He could not tolerate God ordering him to be of service to you and so was removed from literal paradise by God's side. His mission now is to spite God by dragging you to hell where he can make you suffer eternally.

And that's a truth you will never be able to escape now that you understand it, which is why I say you'll never feel the same peace you used to when you go back to your old ways. Your face has been turned away from the fallen one and toward God, and no matter how far you fall you will still find yourself facing towards God.

Hopefully you have a long life ahead of you and plenty of time to heal your spiritual wounds. You are also now inherently aware when the fallen one is cutting those wounds open to bleed you and keep you weak. No matter what, you will inevitably come to be repulsed by sin and the fallen one because now you understand who the architect of your suffering is you will never again be able to look favorably upon his works or his plan for you.

Lastly I reject your resignation from the forum, from further contact with people who can help you, from The Church, and most importantly from God. I declare all such resignations null, void, and I strike them from contractual obligation. In other words I refuse to witness such a contract nor honor it.

So there.

Rob Banks

↑I mean, I'm not sure getting the phone number was a bad thing.

Hearing her voice and realizing she was still herself (i.e. her personality and her deepest feelings for me had not changed) was very motivating for me and provided me with some peace.

I believe God was not so much blessing me but rather testing me. I believe He was telling me "Your wife still loves you and cares for you, but you need to show patience and respect her space and her wishes."

My sister (who knows my wife personally and actually was the one who introduced us) said to me that if my wife's voice and demeanor showed she still loves me, then this latest screw-up probably won't change that (and that the opposite is true too).

It would probably be wise to take what my sister said seriously, but I don't think I'm strong enough to start over, wait months (or years) and then maybe get the opportunity to speak to my wife again (but probably end up self-sabotaging again like I always do).

I am also not strong enough to accept my wife being gone forever. I miss her every day. I often dream I am holding her tightly and asking Are you really here? Is it really you? only to suddenly wake up confused and disappointed.

There is no doubt in my mind that God chose her to be my wife and that I then f**ked it up (as opposed to our marriage being something God never wanted).

I cannot live with myself and this loss. This is especially true knowing that she still has strong feelings for me but I am just not capable of being patient and allowing those feelings to re-develop slowly as she learns to trust me again.

It is WAY harder and more painful to constantly struggle in vain against the Devil, be given hope, and then squander it every time than it is to simply not resist and accept damnation (while numbing myself with drugs in the process). Obviously, neither of those options are good, but the former is, in my opinion, worse.

Just as I would not bang my head in vain against the jail cell bars if I were given a (deserved) life sentence, I will not struggle in vain against a Devil who is clearly far stronger than my capacity to resist.

When I am told to accept God's infinite love and not turn away from Him, it feels to me like that is a euphemism for telling me to accept my fate and accept being alone and hated by my wife and the majority of my family (because hey, at least God still loves me).

I'm not saying my attitude is the correct one. It is simply where I'm at right now.

I've been trying my best in the last few months to be a good Christian and follow God, and all it's gotten me is more pain and suffering, a seemingly inevitable vicious cycle of hope → opportunity → self-sabotage, and an ever-increasing feeling of loving/missing my wife that does not subside with time.

The path God is seemingly asking me to walk (acceptance of her being gone and accepting that I will never find peace) is too difficult and, in my (probably incorrect) opinion, simply not worth it.

My comment about quitting the forum is because I can't be here pretending to be a good Christian while being in open rebellion against God. Most of the people here who I respect are serious Christians and family men (or aspiring to be so). I feel out of place here and I don't feel comfortable constantly being the guy with problems asking for help while knowing full well I am not strong enough to actually follow the advice and improve myself.
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As a former predator/fornicator who preyed on lonely divorced women in his twenties just to get laid let me tell you what MAY happen.

Your wife MAY decide to start hitting the bars with old friends and meeting new men for non-committal sex.

Freelance Betas who would be incels (As Mr. Roosh pointed out incels and 'cators are close) will zero in on lonely women who are at the local club with friends looking forlorn. They-as I once did-haunt girls night outs and will approach swinging their dick. They will be sympathetic. They will listen and ask questions in the right places. They will order her drinks.

Not because they give a fat rat's ass but because they want to get their penises wet.

Now I don't want to say this is the definite outcome. But it is a potential one.

If your wife is very traditional, possibly this won't be the case. But Beta predators-as I once was-zero on women on the rebound. Like lizards, our eyes see the drink in her hand and the vulnerability in her eyes.

As for the drugs bit, twenty seven is too old to be screwing around with drugs. Or at least to have an unmanageable problem with drugs. Most people get over the drug thing in their mid-twenties.

Rob Banks

Your wife MAY decide to start hitting the bars with old friends and meeting new men for non-committal sex.
OK, now I'm quite confident that won't happen (my wife may one day, God forbid, divorce me and meet other men, but it will not be "non-commital"), but why would you say that to me?

I spent the whole thread talking about I miss my wife, I'm worried she won't come back, but luckily I don't believe she would blatantly betray me by behaving like a slut. and your response is "Well, actually it's likely she WILL become a slut and betray you."

Reading your post actually gave me more confidence. Knowing that my wife hasn't cheated after years of separation -- when most men (even here on RVF) think it is normal for married women to slut it up while "on the rebound" -- is actually quite reassuring.
Do not self-promote your work
Clearly I see things through the prism of a Western perspective-German-American middle class Midwest normie. From the vague details you supplied about her being from your ancestral country and the age you married and what sounds like a semi-arranged marriage you may not be European and I speak from a European-American middle-class perspective. You sound as if you may come from a more traditional background.

I spent years in ME, India and Asia involved in film finance working with actresses like Sunny Leone and Isabel Granada on films shot on location in Dubai and Southern India [


So I am not unaware of more traditional cultures where women don't go on a giant rebound at meat market bars.

However, you sound as if your wife left you because of a run-of-the-mill drug problem.
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Leonard D Neubache

Gold Member
As a former predator/fornicator who preyed on lonely divorced women in his twenties just to get laid let me tell you what MAY happen.
Perhaps you mean well but I can assure you that you are not helping and in fact have the potential of doing quite the opposite.

It's for this reason that I urged Rob some time ago to ask for this thread to be closed. It invites the spiritually degraded to casually wander in and trek fear and dread all over the carpet before wandering back out again confused as to why the people genuinely trying to help are exasperated with their internet-alpha tourism.



I am reminded of what Archbishop Fulton Sheen once said, that before we sin Christ is the accuser, telling us not to do it, standing in front of us trying to prevent it, whereas Satan is the buddy, our enabler, telling us it's no big deal. But then, once we sin, Satan is the accuser, telling us we screwed up and there is no hope, that we're enslaved to sin forever and there's no going back, that we're on our own; and Christ on the other hand now appears as a friend, to comfort us, to offer us a way back, to tell us that we can repent. It is perfectly normal that you feel you don't deserve more opportunities - you didn't write that but I believe that is what you are feeling. But Christ will always give you an opportunity, you are never beyond His mercy, and He will welcome you back and be there for you when you are able to come back to Him.

This is not meant as an endorsement of your sins, like saying that you should sin as much as possible and then right before your last breath, do some cheap prayer of fake repentance. That is pharisaic nonsense. That is not the way. But I know this is not your intention either. That pain you feel is what Len said, you cannot escape the knowledge that what you are doing is evil and desperation is what Satan, the accuser after you sin, gives you. It is a lie. He is the father of them all. Don't believe him.

God did not come for the righteous, he came for us sinners. Like a doctor is not needed for healthy people, but for sick ones. Like the father of the prodigal son, God will always welcome you back with open arms and will kill the fatted calf in celebration of your return, no matter how many times you go away.

Now for some practical advice, it might not be a bad idea to stay away from the forum for a while, but only if that means staying away from the internet altogether. Unless you need it for your job, turn it off, completely. But you can't stop there. You have to leave the city, as far as possible from it. It is true that one can find peace in isolation, but not the kind you find in the city. Those distractions are needed in the city, so to leave them behind completely you need to leave the city as well. If you are able to do this, do it. No TV, no smartphone, no internet. That should declutter your mind, and reduce the amount of temptation by a lot. The demons will not leave you alone right away, but they will have a lot less tools to work with. Lastly, you need to occupy your hands. I can't remember a single time after I have been working in the field when the thought of jerking off even crossed my mind, and the same for all other sins - including drugs. I never had a big problem with drugs but I did with alcohol, and I simply have no desire to drink after hard work out in the sun or the rain. We are not just souls and minds, but bodies too. We have to use them appropriately, get them tired. Mind, body and soul have to be at peace with each other and work toward the same goals.

I wish you luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

Rob Banks

↑Thanks for the response.

Actually, a month ago, when I was living at a family member's house near the woods (after losing my job due to coronavirus), I went out into the woods, camped, cooked, etc. and also prayed to God while out in nature surrounded by God's creations. I was planning to learn how to build some things out of wood (like maybe a little table or something) but I never got the chance.

Then, I had to come back inside the house because I had schoolwork due (I'm a computer science major). Being on the computer all day stressed me out to no end, and I eventually ended up allowing demons to influence me.

Last Friday evening, I was actually on my way back to my tent to spend a few more days there and maybe learn to build a few things, but halfway there, I was overcome by the feeling that I needed to contact my wife, and I went back to the house to do so.

It was as if the demons knew that being out in nature would bring me close to God, so they made a last-ditch effort to stop me (and BOY did they succeed).
Go to rehab. Get clean, then get on an airplane and go to your wife.

I was into drugs in my twenties-just casual stuff like pot and acid and ecstasy-and when I moved to Dubai that all ended.

But if you're into heroin and you were physically abusive...well how could any woman leave all that?

So you need to go to rehab and then fly to your wife's country clean.

Rob Banks

↑Actually, I'm in the same city as her right now. Turns out she didn't leave the country (yet).

I know where she lives but she doesn't know that I know. If I go ring her bell, I will be arrested.

Also, I was clean from drugs for over a year and literally just got back into it yesterday night.
Let me give you some advice from a guy who wasted his twenties with casual drug use. Get off the shit or you'll always be the port the tide is leaving.

I blew my rental credit because my college roommate was a pot dealer who was moving pounds and I had to kick him out, which meant I could not afford rent. My good friend got busted selling acid and ruined his life just months before he was supposed to graduate from college. Another time, my college drug dealer was robbed and believed I did it and came over and threatened me with a gun.

I went to Amsterdam to get high and ended up getting mugged in a stoned haze and returning to the US with nothing but a passport and a change of clothes.

Everyone else moved on with their lives. Got Masters degrees, became doctors or lawyers or engineers, got married, made money, all that positive stuff but for me time just stood still.

Luckily, I moved to Dubai when I was 26. I could not obtain drugs there and I even abused nutmeg in Dubai just to get a buzz. Eventually, the physical need to get stoned left.

Point is, your life will f&cked unless you go to rehab or go to a country you absolutely cannot use heroin in. Your wife has left you and eventually your family will give up on you and you'll be on the street and you'll be 40 with nothing to show for you life but a series of arrests for drug possession.

Change now.

And this is coming from a guy who was a huge druggie as a young man.


So you disobeyed the priest, who took time to give you advice, and you've ignored most of the advice given to you on the forum. What more can he or us do for you? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. At some point you'll have to submit yourself totally to God and allow him to help you, but looks like you don't want help. Instead, you like people giving you attention for your problems.

Leonard D Neubache

Gold Member
Despite his failings Rob is a brother in Christ and if he seeks our help we are obligated to do what we can for him, but I think he would be better off getting that help privately through PM's. It is understandable that some members might grow exasperated with his routine lapses but that is the nature of aiding the fallen. We wouldn't expect a miraculous recovery from a drunk much less someone suffering this much infernal infection.

Compassion requires persistence.

It doesn't however require an audience. It's not my place to ask for this thread to be closed but I strongly advise Rob to make that request.
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