My wife left me and it's my fault

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Rob Banks

Pelican
Leonard D Neubache said:
Marriage is not a matter of convenience where you get to wreck a life and then simply walk away for your next do-over.

If she hasn't "moved on" (no such thing really) and neither has he then there is obviously more at play than the mere post-modern inconvenience of filing for divorce.
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying that not only does it make sense for me not to want to "move on," but it would actually be wrong for me to walk away and forget about her.

That's good to hear, considering most of the "normies" (IRL and on the internet) tend to say the opposite.

"Let her be happy."
"You're just heartbroken. You'll meet someone better than her and you'll forget all about her."
"We've all had break ups but we get over it. The fact that you can't or won't get over it means you're not really in love, you're just obsessed."
Etc. etc.

That's not to say the way I've been going about it has been correct (it hasn't). But at least I don't have to feel like I'm crazy trying to explain to people why I can't just forget about this.

Aurini said:
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You need to willingly let go of her, and fix your issues, if there's to be any hope of you getting her - or any woman - back into your life.
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Other people have also told me this and I suppose you're right.

It's just a lot easier said than done. It just feels like the longer that goes by without being in contact with her, or seeing her in person, the harder it will be to get back in contact.

One of my closest friends once said to me "The longer you guys are apart, she will become more and more sure of herself in her decision to leave you, and she will be more and more likely to date other men."

Maybe, as Leonard said, these worries are just the Devil's way of getting me not to improve myself. But the realities are hard to ignore. If I were to disappear into a hole for, say, 2 years in order to really improve myself, and 2 years from now I were to reemerge and contact my wife, I doubt she would be available. As much as she loves me and is bound to me, if that much time were to go with no contact (or very little contact), she would simply have to move on with her life.
 
One of my closest friends once said to me "The longer you guys are apart, she will become more and more sure of herself in her decision to leave you, and she will be more and more likely to date other men."
I feel strongly that she's dating someone else right now. That's how women are.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Cattle Rustler said:
Abundance mentality. Focus on yourself and move on.
Yeah, I'm sure there's an abundance of young virgin girls waiting to marry me and start a family.

Not to mention I agree with Leonard that marriage is not simply a matter of convenience where I can just wreck her life and then walk away like nothing happened.

But even looking at it from a totally selfish point of view, the "abundance" of virgins wanting to marry and start a family simply isn't there.
 

Papaya

Crow
Gold Member
Youre still not getting it. Until you fix you all youre going to do is continue to bring ruin to your wife's life and then eventually probably another girl.

Youre selectively grasping at the points that confirm what you want (like Leonards reference to the sanctity of marriage) in order to rationalize continuing to pursue your wife.

The answers arent here. They ARE in the mirror.

Do you really care about your wife and want whats best for her? Or do you really care more about yourself and your fear of not being able to replace her?

If its the former: prove it. Prove it to yourself. Find an AA meeting near you tonight and go.

If you cant do that then stop wasting her time and ours with your attention seeking platitudes
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
PapayaTapper said:
Youre still not getting it. Until you fix you all youre going to do is continue to bring ruin to your wife's life and then eventually probably another girl.

Youre selectively grasping at the points that confirm what you want (like Leonards reference to the sanctity of marriage) in order to rationalize continuing to pursue your wife.
I get what you're saying, but I was only responding to Cattle Rustler who said I should have an "abundance mentality."

I agree with everyone who said I need to fix me before trying to contact or get close to my wife. I worry about how long it will take and that she may decide to move on, but that doesn't mean I won't do it.

PapayaTapper said:
Do you really care about your wife and want whats best for her? Or do you really care more about yourself and your fear of not being able to replace her?
To be honest, both. I know this is probably bad, but it's the truth.

Just to be clear, even if there were a million young virgins willing to marry me, I would still feel the same way. She would still be just as irreplaceable.

PapayaTapper said:
If its the former: prove it. Prove it to yourself. Find an AA meeting near you tonight and go.
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Ok, I will. I won't post here again until after I've gone.
 

bucky

Pelican
Rob Banks said:
Cattle Rustler said:
Abundance mentality. Focus on yourself and move on.
Yeah, I'm sure there's an abundance of young virgin girls waiting to marry me and start a family.

Not to mention I agree with Leonard that marriage is not simply a matter of convenience where I can just wreck her life and then walk away like nothing happened.

But even looking at it from a totally selfish point of view, the "abundance" of virgins wanting to marry and start a family simply isn't there.
My ex-wife was a virgin when I met her. So was my current wife. I'm not saying this is likely to happen for you, I'm just saying that you have no idea what God has in store for you. I get how difficult it is to give up on wanting to be back with your ex and to stop pedastalizing her as "the one" because I was there too, once. Regardless, it would be best for you to move toward getting out of that mindset as much as possible.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Just got back from my first AA meeting a few hours ago.

The topic of discussion was alcoholism as it relates to marriage, and virtually every man there had a story about how they fucked up their marriage due to alcohol or drugs.

bucky said:
My ex-wife was a virgin when I met her. So was my current wife. I'm not saying this is likely to happen for you, I'm just saying that you have no idea what God has in store for you. I get how difficult it is to give up on wanting to be back with your ex and to stop pedastalizing her as "the one" because I was there too, once. Regardless, it would be best for you to move toward getting out of that mindset as much as possible.
Like I said in my last post, even if there were a million virgins lined up ready to marry me, I would not feel any different. At least I'd like to think I wouldn't.

It's kind of like if I accidentally killed my own child while drunk. Even if I were able to have another child, that would not make it any easier to forgive myself or get over the first child's death. In this case, would you say I'm "pedastalizing" my child?

Men are called to look after their wives just as they're called to look after their children. My failure to do so is not something I can just forget about.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
You shouldn't listen to guys telling you to cut rope and sail away. They don't really know what they're talking about on a spiritual or tribal level. I don't blame them (deep breath). They are products of a society where everything and everyone is disposable.

You need to fix you, but you also have to accept that the question of your wife remaining faithful during this time is not in your control. Considering everything that's happened, would it be unreasonable punishment that she slept with other men while you reformed yourself?

Do you deserve better? I don't wish it on you, but why do you think you're entitled to anything better?

You have little choice but to put your faith in God and demonstrate to Him that you will earn your redemption, and if He so chooses He will keep your wife's home fire burning for you.

But you must accept that your choices until this point have removed your ability to demand the terms of your redemption.

Understand?
 
As I said in an earlier post, I feel there's a 1 billion percent chance his wife is sleeping with someone else even as we type. If he ever gets her back, it will be after she has tried out numerous other men and found that OP was was the most tolerable, after all. To be graphic: Her vagina will have been splashed with A LOT of strange semen. I hope my crude phrasing is a wake-up call. It might be all his fault, but regardless, he needs to accept that it's over. She is not going to be able to respect him as a husband ever again.
 
Leonard D Neubache said:
Considering everything that's happened, would it be unreasonable punishment that she slept with other men while you reformed yourself?
This amounts to trying to add up what's fair and what's unfair in a relationship, almost the way a blue-pill person would do. No matter who's fault it is, her sleeping with other men obliterates any chance of things working out. At least, it would for me.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
WR, your posting history indicates that your experience with women begins and ends with a very dysfunctional relationship with your mother.

You are deliberately using vulgar language to stoke OP's fears.

Your presence in this thread is poisonous because your attitude toward women is poisonous. Please go away.
 

FullThrottleTX

Woodpecker
Personally, if a chick leaves me (wife or not), it's a blessing. It's sad don't get me wrong, but if the other person is unhappy and unwilling to make it work, fine to set them free. I have no guilt from someone else being unhappy with my goods and services, I'll find someone who I can please/make happy, or I'll adjust my goods and services accordingly. I'd feel more like the OP if I left a chick without just cause, breaking her heart. No good marriage has ever ended with divorce.

But seeing the litany of issues in this guys life, he just needs to get his shit together.
Trying to go back to the failed marriage is not a good idea though, how often in history has that worked? She already has this vision of you as an addict and a loser which will never completely wipe off.

We can try to see the bright side and say that the wife had some kind of implication here, but who cares about fault? There are millions of single women on the planet, most of them Asian incidentally, but I think try again with someone who doesn't think you're a deadbeat. Washing off the deadbeat image trying to prove a complete 180 transformation is harder than meeting someone else.

And the cheating that happened, that's pretty much a sign it was meant to end. A lot of guys advocate for cheating, I have never cared for it. If you love someone you don't cheat on them.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Banks, by now you have enough information to get started and you have an idea of which members you can PM for spiritually sound advice.

There is nothing more to be gained by gathering an increasing chorus of children suggesting you take the easiest way out.

I suggest you ask Roosh to close this thread because from this point on it will become counter-productive to your path to redemption.
 

worldwidetraveler

Hummingbird
Gold Member
Leonard D Neubache said:
You shouldn't listen to guys telling you to cut rope and sail away. They don't really know what they're talking about on a spiritual or tribal level. I don't blame them (deep breath). They are products of a society where everything and everyone is disposable.
You are the beacon of spiritual enlightenment now?

For years you were all over this forum talking about the degenerates and if people didn't agree with you they were also degenerates. Now they are faithless. Same story, just different name calling.

The easiest way out would be for him to take your advice and start contacting her or following her to another country. The guy hasn't fixed his problems and will repeat what caused him to lose his wife over and over again until he fixes the issue. That takes time and he is already under pressure of fear that the longer it takes the bigger the chance he will lose her. She deserves to be treated better than he has. In more spiritual terms, God doesn't want us to call others names, to judge others or to threaten each other. Spirituality 101.

Most of the advice was spot on and he needs to worry less about losing her and more about fixing his issues. God doesn't want one to abuse another.

Rob isn't a bad guy. He just has problems like the rest of us that need to be fixed. His wife isn't a bad person because she tried and was getting nowhere. The guys, in this thread, aren't bad guys because they are telling him to forget her and fix himself so he will be able to be happy later on.

I don't appreciate you telling me what my faith is. You don't know anything about any of our relationships with God.
 
Leonard D Neubache said:
Banks, by now you have enough information to get started and you have an idea of which members you can PM for spiritually sound advice.

There is nothing more to be gained by gathering an increasing chorus of children suggesting you take the easiest way out.

I suggest you ask Roosh to close this thread because from this point on it will become counter-productive to your path to redemption.
The cancel culture is strong in this one.

You are deliberately using vulgar language to stoke OP's fears.
Yes, I am. I believe I explained as much.

OP seems to think it matters whether he pursues her or moves to her country or not. I'm highly skeptical that she'd be receptive. By the time she has moved away and cut or limited contact, there's somebody else in the picture. If you have the slightest bit of experience with women, you'll understand that.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
worldwidetraveler said:
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I don't appreciate you telling me what my faith is. You don't know anything about any of our relationships with God.
Point taken. I apologize for jumping to conclusions.

WombRaider said:
...If you have the slightest bit of experience with women, you'll understand that.
Unlike a lot of men inhabiting the manosphere I have experience with a broad range of women. Not just inner city tinder sluts or stories of modern degenerate women broadcast over the internet. Your personal point of view seems to mesh directly with bitter incel world experience wherein you see women entirely through the lens of places like /pol that focus like a laser on the most degenerate women in the world and extrapolate that to mean all other women are equally degenerate.

I'm not saying that's definitely you, but it's how you read.

I'm old enough to be an oldfag when it comes to this stuff so when guys with virtually no details about a woman jump immediately on the bandwagon of "she's already fucking other dudes, bro" I can conclude with certainty that they have no broad experience with women and are crippled with internet-based tunnel vision, or at best they live somewhere like New York city.

Lots of women go for years after a breakup without having sex. Some women aren't even really that fond of sex at all for a number of possible reasons. Some of them are highly inherently moral. But of course you rubbed your crystal ball and immediately saw that she was sleeping with dozens of men like some sort of porn star. As you said yourself, "I'm certain of it".

Based on that the rest of us can be certain only of the fact that you inhabit a self-created world of filth where you cannot imagine others not acting filthily.

There is a very large world outside of your imagination filled with a vast array of people who are not as you imagine them to be.
 

bucky

Pelican
WombRaider said:
OP seems to think it matters whether he pursues her or moves to her country or not. I'm highly skeptical that she'd be receptive. By the time she has moved away and cut or limited contact, there's somebody else in the picture. If you have the slightest bit of experience with women, you'll understand that.
Also, let's be honest, the feelings OP has about the sanctity of marriage, his ex being "the one" and so on would probably not be the same if she'd ballooned up to 200 pounds. She's probably still hot, hence OP still has deep romantic feelings for her AND she's getting lots of offers from other guys. As an irreligious woman, it's a safe bet that she's taking up those offers.

Again, I speak from experience here. I went through something very similar with my little blonde, tight-bodied Russian ex.
 
bucky said:
She's probably still hot, hence OP still has deep romantic feelings for her AND she's getting lots of offers from other guys.
And if she's still in the U.S., she'd still be getting plenty of offers even at 200+ pounds!
 
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