My wife left me and it's my fault

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Rob Banks

Pelican
↑ No, I haven't said anything to her. I didn't mean I was going to confront her right now. Obviously, she might still respond in the next few hours.

Anyway, she ended up responding and saying "I don't want to talk to you." That was it.

I got a PM from another forum member giving me advice and saying I should confront her. That makes sense. Clearly, I am not getting anywhere by just waiting and trying to be write to her and be friendly.

I was thinking I would say something to the effect of:

"Look, when I married you, I made vows. In the past, I did not take those vows seriously but now I am determined to take them seriously.

I am saying this to convince you that I have changed. That would be ridiculous.

I am saying this because I am trying to be a better person for my own sake, and that means honoring my vows. Although I love you and I don't want to get a divorce, if in your heart you are finished with me, please do me a favor and divorce me so that I can move on with my life and not worry about honoring vows."
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
↑ I ended up saying that (what I described above) and she did not respond. I guess that's the best I could hope for (any response would have been negative).

I realize that this is my fault and I deserve this, but I don't know what I should do from now on.

I would like to think she isn't giving me a straight answer because she herself is unsure what she wants, but it is also possible that she isn't giving me a straight answer because she hates me, wants nothing to do with me, and the thought of talking to me (even about divorce) is unbearable to her.

When I tell her "I would like a straight answer so that I can move on with my life," she thinks to herself "That's not my problem."

I feel like I'm past the point where "taking it easy" and giving her time will do any good. I feel like my options are either to divorce her, confront her repeatedly via email until I get a straight answer, or just forget about her.

I could also try writing to her every couple of weeks without expecting any response, but I feel like this is wishful thinking on my part and I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

EDIT: I suppose it's obvious at this point that it's over. She straight up told me "I don't want to talk to you." That's probably as straight an answer as I'm going to get. I can fool myself by believing it's not over until she divorces me (or whatever), but that doesn't change the facts.

It's just hard for me (as in basically impossible) to accept for the reasons I discussed earlier in this thread.
 

bucky

Pelican
PapayaTapper said:
She didnt respond immediately so youre going to def-con 2? Youre like a psycho girlfriend except male
I agree, and I say that as someone who has behaved like the male version of a psycho girlfriend in the past.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
I've recently been told that I shouldn't be in a hurry and try to rush things when it comes to getting my wife back. I shouldn't force things, and instead I should take advantage of my time apart from her and use it to focus on myself.

That makes sense and I'm not in any rush, but I've also had other people tell me the opposite. I recently had the following conversation with a friend:

- "Rob, if your wife doesn't agree to see you soon, you need to confront her and demand a straight answer."
- "But why? Haven't you been telling me to be patient and not rush things?"
- "Yes, but that was before. Now, after so much time has gone by, you don't have a choice but to confront her."
- "OK but that won't work. She's not gonna agree to see me if I get confrontational and demanding."
- "I know but you still have to do it because it's all you got. You've been apart for so long. You can't afford to just continue waiting passively."

I told this same friend that I was glad my wife had been responding to my texts (even though the responses have only been 2-3 words), but he says that it's actually a bad thing and a sign of her being over me and having moved on. He told me I'm naive if I think she isn't lonely and therefore entertaining the idea of dating other men.

There is a quote by a famous author from my wife's country who said something to the effect of:

"The difference between male friendships and romantic relationships is that, with a male friend, you can go years without seeing each other and still be friends afterwards. With a romantic partner, if you don't have contact for a long time, the relationship dies."

I want to just not worry about all this and just focus on going to school, church, saving money, etc. I have no problem waiting months or even years for her. But I can't help but wonder if I'm racing against the clock, and if it is unrealistic to think I can still be with her in the future after so much time has gone by.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
I got about half way through the video.

It seems like what he's saying is more geared towards casual dating (especially in situations where the girl wants commitment but the guy doesn't) than marriage, but I guess the overall point is that you shouldn't have explicit conversations about the state of your relationship, and that makes sense.

The last few times I saw my wife (before our last big fight), we were already separated and not living together. Whenever I would explicitly say "I want you back" or express to her in words that I wanted a relationship with her, she would get VERY resistant and claim not to want any sort of relationship with me. However, when I would express it to her non-explicitly (for example holding her hand and telling her I was having a good time with her) she would go along with it and not resist, and would express through her body language that she still had deep feelings for me.

I guess my point was just that I have no problem waiting and allowing the relationship to "develop naturally" (like the guy talks about in the video), but people have pointed out to me that I am fooling myself if I think a married couple can be broken up for this long and then still get back together in the end.

Even the most loyal, traditional woman will get lonely and start to lose interest in her husband if she is 29 and has been split up from him for over a year (especially if her very traditional father supports and encourages her NOT to go back to her husband).
 

bucky

Pelican
Rob Banks said:
I got about half way through the video.

It seems like what he's saying is more geared towards casual dating (especially in situations where the girl wants commitment but the guy doesn't) than marriage, but I guess the overall point is that you shouldn't have explicit conversations about the state of your relationship, and that makes sense.

The last few times I saw my wife (before our last big fight), we were already separated and not living together. Whenever I would explicitly say "I want you back" or express to her in words that I wanted a relationship with her, she would get VERY resistant and claim not to want any sort of relationship with me. However, when I would express it to her non-explicitly (for example holding her hand and telling her I was having a good time with her) she would go along with it and not resist, and would express through her body language that she still had deep feelings for me.

I guess my point was just that I have no problem waiting and allowing the relationship to "develop naturally" (like the guy talks about in the video), but people have pointed out to me that I am fooling myself if I think a married couple can be broken up for this long and then still get back together in the end.

Even the most loyal, traditional woman will get lonely and start to lose interest in her husband if she is 29 and has been split up from him for over a year (especially if her very traditional father supports and encourages her NOT to go back to her husband).
I know I've said this before, but I was in a very similar situation to yours with my ex once, so I feel for you. It's actually a little painful to read your posts sometimes because they bring back things from those times that I haven't thought about for a long time. The part above about her resisting when you openly tell her you want her back, but her body language showing that she still wants you on some level otherwise, is something I experienced and I remember how maddening it was.

I've said before that you need to get over your oneitis for her, and I stand by that. That said, and I'm not 100% sure I should say this, but as far as getting back together with her I suppose anything is possible. I'm saying this because a friend of my wife's just remarried her ex husband, something I definitely didn't see coming. Pretty blonde American girl, and her husband is from Africa somewhere so huge cultural differences and not surprising that their marriage didn't work out the first time, and won't surprise me if it fails again, but who knows. With God anything is possible. They have kids together, so maybe she had more motivation to take him back than your wife does with you, but still anything is possible. I still doubt your wife will get back together with you, but if you put your trust in God and stop thinking that your life is over without her, I think whatever is best for you will eventually happen. Probably after a lot of suffering, but still.

Good luck, man.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Thanks for the response.

bucky said:
...
The part above about her resisting when you openly tell her you want her back, but her body language showing that she still wants you on some level otherwise, is something I experienced and I remember how maddening it was.
...
I find it interesting that your ex was also like that. I thought my wife was crazy for this, but I guess that's just how women are in these situations.

In my case, I believe the reason is that that her rational thoughts don't match her true feelings. Her rational thoughts are telling her "I don't want him back. He did X Y and Z and I can't forgive him for it. I would also be betraying my parents if I went back to him." But her inner feelings don't match up with that.

That is probably the reason why she hasn't divorced me. Although she tells herself she is better off without me, she subconsciously knows that once she signs those papers, the marriage is officially over, and it is too painful for her.

That is also why she is capable of going months without talking to me but then if I do something like show up unannounced at her appointments (which is technically stalking and you would assume it would REALLY piss her off), she is extremely sweet and nice as soon as she sees my face.

When I write to her, it is just words on a page and she can easily dismiss it, but when she actually sees my face, it brings out her true feelings.

I feel the only thing I can do is to find out where she's going to be and show up unannounced (I know it sounds crazy but I've done it many times in the past and she always reacts well). Writing is not going to do any good.

bucky said:
...With God anything is possible....
I know this sounds ridiculous, but I feel like it is my destiny for this to not work, and for everything I do to be just a bit too late.

Last year, I quit drinking and drugs, but it was too late (my wife had been begging me to quit for years, and by the time I actually quit, it was literally 3 weeks after she left).

Now, more recently, I start going to church and finding God (on the advice of this forum) and it appears I was a few weeks too late on that one, too. 3 weeks before I posted this thread, I had made some crazy threats to my wife that caused her to cut contact with me.

I want to believe that my patience and "giving her time and space" is going to help fix things (in the past it always has), but I am afraid the more time we don't talk, it will just drive her further away.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Update:

A few days ago I texted her and she didn't respond. Afterwards, I texted her a very long (polite, non-confrontational) letter telling her how I feel about the situation, asking her to put herself in my shoes, and telling her (again, very politely) that I have no problem giving her time and space, but for her to please be honest with me if she wants a divorce or she doesn't plan on speaking to me ever again.

She responded: "Stop bothering me or else I will block you and then I will file for divorce."

On the one hand, I believe that if she truly wanted a divorce, she would just get one instead of threatening. This is also not the first time she has threatened divorce and not meant it.

But on the other hand, I might be over-analyzing her response. Maybe it just means "I hate you. Fuck off." and there is no deeper meaning behind it.

I have gotten advice from certain people saying I should not confront her or even engage with her for now. Since I know that my wife is safe and not in danger, I should focus entirely on myself and getting close to God, and I should wait till later on to try to talk to her. That makes a lot of sense.

At the same time, I have had people tell me that it doesn't look like the situation with her will improve. I can wait for her and be patient all I want, but it won't do any good. My only choices are either to confront her (which will probably end in divorce but at least I will get some closure) or to keep calm and keep waiting (with the understanding that I will probably never speak to her again).

For now, I am choosing to work on myself and focus on God. However, I highly doubt that this will change her behavior. She is not going to care if I am changing my ways, finding God, or whatever. That makes it extremely hard to stay motivated to stay on the right path. I am spending more and more time drinking alcohol and doing degenerate things like watching porn, and less and less time being productive. I am close to flunking out of school. It seems the only thing I am motivated to do is to go to church on Sundays. I know that this is bad and I should be stronger than this, but it is simply where I'm at right now.

Another thing people around me have pointed out is the possibility that my wife might be acting this way out of hatred and that she wants me to suffer. This is very hard to believe. I do not believe she would do that. But multiple friends and family members have told me this. Maybe I am being naive to think she would not do this. Maybe she even does it subconsciously.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Kona said:
Thirty days no contact.
...
I already did this.

After the incident right before Christmas, I didn't contact her until late January.

At first, it seemed like she was slowly starting to engage with me again, but then she abruptly stopped and started getting angry when I would text her.

I'm not sure if waiting yet another 30 days is going to change anything.
 

Papaya

Crow
Gold Member
Do it again. With two differences:

1. This time after the 30 days write a detailed report of everything you've been doing to improve yourself and your life. If you want to have something meaningful to report then thats your motivation

2. Demand nothing in return (not even a response). You are no longer in a position to expect anything so dont. She already gave you 10 years. Shes fed up with your demands

Do this every month. The above should keep you motivated with a short term interval goals whilst allowing you to keep the emotional connection open you seem determined to..even if its not reciprocated

Only time will tell but if she ever believes youve actually made progress she will let you know
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
PapayaTapper said:
Do it again. With two differences:

1. This time after the 30 days write a detailed report of everything you've been doing to improve yourself and your life. If you want to have something meaningful to report then thats your motivation

2. Demand nothing in return (not even a response). You are no longer in a position to expect anything so dont. She already gave you 10 years. Shes fed up with your demands

Do this every month. The above should keep you motivated with a short term interval goals whilst allowing you to keep the emotional connection open you seem determined to..even if its not reciprocated

Only time will tell but if she ever believes youve actually made progress she will let you know
Thanks for the response, and what you're saying makes sense.

Just one thing. Do you think I should be "reporting my progress to her" rather than just texting her in a more friendly not-so-intense way (for example asking how she is doing, offering to help with any immigration-related paperwork, maybe sending her copies of the computer programs I am learning to write in school)?

I feel like if I am always talking about my problems and what I am doing to overcome them, her internal reaction is going to be "Why are you telling me this? It's your business, not mine." Also, by talking about overcoming problems, I will be reminding her that the problems existed in the first place and that is likely to bring her bad memories and cause her to feel re-traumatized. She tends to be very sensitive to things like that.

Additionally, I feel like it might be a bit naive and even selfish of me to expect her to care what I do to improve myself.

Let's say I did something fucked up that ruined your life (for example if I lied to have you sent to jail, or if I killed your brother). Then, after the fact, let's say I started writing to you every month telling you all the things I was doing to become a better person. Are you going to care? Of course not. Your reaction would be "I don't care what you're doing to become a better person. All I care about is that I'm in jail/my brother is dead and it's your fault. Now fuck off!"
 

tr1cky

Woodpecker
I would stop contacting her entirely. You cant force, or logically convince someone to want to be with you. By continuously contacting her all you are doing is pushing her further away.

If you self improve with the intention of making her want you it's not righteous and she will (rightfully so) only see it as an attempt to manipulate her.

I would go out and start meeting new women. I think it will give you a new perspective. You dont have to bang any of these women but you should be able to make a female friend. If you cant even make a female friend how do you expect to be able to keep a wife?
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
tr1cky said:
...You cant force, or logically convince someone to want to be with you...
OK, but what if the feelings of desire/love/deep connection are already there but she is logically convincing herself to ignore those feelings?

I would like to think I am good at reading people's emotions (especially if it's someone I know very very well). The last few times we saw each other, it was obvious that she subconsciously wanted to spend time with me but she would then claim "I don't want to be with you because you did X Y and Z and I can't forgive you for that, my parents don't like you, etc. etc."

For months last spring, she claimed to not want to see me anymore, but then when I showed up unannounced (i.e. stalked her) at her doctor's appointment, she was very nice and ended up spending hours with me, after which she wanted to see me again.

That is why this is so frustrating. If the feelings were truly gone, I probably would not be so inclined to chase after a girl who truly didn't want me. I would be more inclined to think of her as a cold-hearted bitch.

I know that if I saw her face (or even spoke to her by phone), things would start to change and the feelings would come back, but I don't have a way to make that happen.
 
Rob Banks said:
tr1cky said:
...You cant force, or logically convince someone to want to be with you...
OK, but what if the feelings of desire/love/deep connection are already there but she is logically convincing herself to ignore those feelings?
"Logically convince herself to ignore those feelings"
Listen to yourself. This sounds like a massive case of oneitis.
"I called her but she doesn't want to talk, what if I can logically convince her to hear my arguments and see me so I can convince her with facts and logic to be attracted to me again"
You want her to see you? Then get a tingle flowing again.
 

bucky

Pelican
kazimierzdabrowski said:
Rob Banks said:
tr1cky said:
...You cant force, or logically convince someone to want to be with you...
OK, but what if the feelings of desire/love/deep connection are already there but she is logically convincing herself to ignore those feelings?
"Logically convince herself to ignore those feelings"
Listen to yourself. This sounds like a massive case of oneitis.
"I called her but she doesn't want to talk, what if I can logically convince her to hear my arguments and see me so I can convince her with facts and logic to be attracted to me again"
You want her to see you? Then get a tingle flowing again.
Easier said than done, but I agree. Rob has bad oneitis for his wife and I think oneitis always kills attraction in a woman. Somewhere deep down your woman has to know that you have other options, even if she's your wife and you're a good Christian who wouldn't actually act on them. It's sad, but that's the way it is. This is Satan's kingdom we're living in after all, and that's why there are so many disturbing realities like this and why so many people would rather live with pretty lies than take the red pill and face reality.
 
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