My wife left me and it's my fault

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Rob Banks

Pelican
bucky said:
My more general advice to all men is to accept that all women are replaceable. All of them. God is not replaceable and your children, if you have them, are not replaceable, but all women are.
...
You have no "soul mate," so don't waste your life on that one particular "special" girl.
I strongly disagree.

The idea behind marriage is that you unite and become one with the woman. She becomes a part of you.

It's got nothing to do with "true love" or "finding your soul mate" or any corny modern idea like that.

I really hate how Hollywood and modern culture has made the idea of "true love" (I hate that term so much) seem so corny and stupid that any sort of deep emotional connection between a man and woman seems kind of ridiculous and makes the man look weak.

bucky said:
It's a little different if the woman you love is also the mother of your children...
If this were the case (all women are replaceable up until you have a child together), then it would be the historical norm for men and women to "date" and sleep around until the woman became pregnant, and only get married and commit to each other after she is pregnant.

If the woman had a miscarriage, or you had a child together but the child didn't survive, the man would then have the right to ditch the woman and replace her with a younger model (all women are replaceable as long as you don't have children together, right?).

There is a reason why marriage vows are made before the woman becomes pregnant.

I find the notion that "all women are replaceable" to be extremely cynical and reminiscent of the player-friendly anti-marriage "AWALT" views that were so common on the old version of this forum.

Leonard D Neubache said:
Marriage is not a matter of convenience where you get to wreck a life and then simply walk away for your next do-over.
This.
 
Hey Rob,

I read the whole thread and most of your other posts regarding your situation. It sounds like literal hell and I feel for you. First of all I think you have to change something soon, or it will kill you, like other posters said.

I suspect that you obsess and think of her constantly, so you should try to get her off your mind first.

How to do it I am not really sure and it will be very hard. I know that you heard it a 100 times already, but you need to work on you first. You need things in your live that give you confidence and moments of success. Learn to code, for example. It may seem intimidating at first, but after your first own project you should get the hang of it and becomes really fun. (At least for me)...

You could complete a web development tutorial and then make a website about something you are interested in. For instance, make a cool website for your new church. I guess they don`t have a website or it is shit. First you search for a good CSS framework (bootstrap or foundation or something) and then make the HTML and CSS for the website. After that you can add a Content Management System, a database and so on.

When you achieve something presentable, show it to your priest and ask him for input and requirements. This could also be a good strategy to get access to your priest and the church community. Volunteer to manage the church's web presence. Which could also pave the way to a good career, that can sustain a family in the future.

Speaking of your church. It is great, that you are getting back to God. Still, it feels like your conversion is centered around your marriage and wife and I feel that will not work, like other posters said in other threads. Which is why I suggest you wrap your head around other things. I am not sure what the Catholic Catechism says, but does it even count if the marriage was not done by a priest? You can be Trad all you want, but your wife dose not seem to care about it.

The forum may have changed, but it dose not mean that you should discard all the Red Pill knowledge, which is exactly for cases like yours. It of course dose not mean you should sleep around or participate in other bad behavior. But you could be fighting a lost cause and if you want to die on this hill, you will suffer bad.

My suggestion is, that you have no contact for a year and change your mindset drastically. Live your life like you are not married to her and if God brings her back to you, it is great, if not you will get over it. Do not stalk her on social media and do not ask acquaintances about her.

Also you should accept the possibility that your wife is meeting other men. Imagine you get back together and she tells you about it. Will you explode again, or can you handle the truth?

I hope you can conquer this situation and become a better and stronger man in communion with God! Good luck!
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Sankt Michael said:
Learn to code, for example...
I am actually going to school for computer science. It is very interesting and I like it, but it is hard to stay motivated.

If I already lost the most important thing (my wife and the ability to have a family), then what's the point of pursuing a career?

I know this is the wrong way of thinking. I should be pursuing a career anyway. That way if my wife does come back I will have a way to provide for her.

"But Rob, you should also be pursuing a career so that, if your wife doesn't come back, you can marry another woman and start a family."

Yeah, except that the thought of starting a family with a different woman (a "plan B" woman) is so sad and feels so wrong that I would rather put a gun in my mouth. And if that's how I feel about it, then I don't think it would be fair to that woman or to my future kids.

Sankt Michael said:
...For instance, make a cool website for your new church...
That's a good idea, actually.

Sankt Michael said:
Speaking of your church. It is great, that you are getting back to God. Still, it feels like your conversion is centered around your marriage and wife and I feel that will not work, like other posters said in other threads. Which is why I suggest you wrap your head around other things. I am not sure what the Catholic Catechism says, but does it even count if the marriage was not done by a priest? You can be Trad all you want, but your wife dose not seem to care about it.
What other people said (and I agree with) is that it won't work if I am worshipping God hoping for something in exchange (as if it were a transaction) rather than submitting myself to His will.

I can't, however, get to the point where I don't care about my wife and I would be fine with meeting another woman instead.

Sankt Michael said:
The forum may have changed, but it dose not mean that you should discard all the Red Pill knowledge...
Red pill knowledge, yes. An attitude of "all women are replaceable," no.

Sankt Michael said:
My suggestion is, that you have no contact for a year and change your mindset drastically. Live your life like you are not married to her and if God brings her back to you, it is great, if not you will get over it...
A year seems a bit long, no?

Also, living my life as if I am not married to her would mean trying to meet other women for the purpose of marriage. How could I do this and still hope to get my wife back after a year?

Sankt Michael said:
Also you should accept the possibility that your wife is meeting other men.
I am very thankful to say that I don't believe this is the case.

Of course this could change in the future, but probably not anytime soon.

I am very confident in my opinion regarding this.

If she was meeting other men, I would be extremely sad and devastated, but I would also be disgusted with her and she would be a lot easier to forget.

Sankt Michael said:
Imagine you get back together and she tells you about it. Will you explode again, or can you handle the truth?
This would never happen in a million years. She would only get with another man if she was serious about him and 100% over me and done with me.

She is not going to be hooking up with random men and then coming back to me afterwards.

Sankt Michael said:
I hope you can conquer this situation and become a better and stronger man in communion with God! Good luck!
Thank you. And thank you for reading the whole thread and giving your opinion. I really appreciate it.
 
I just read the new info since Friday in the God Pill Thread. I am sorry to hear that you were kicked out of school. I forgot that you were already learning computer science, sorry. At least that means you most likely already have the fundamentals and can start being self taught.

Concerning God you better follow the advice from AB, not me.

My advice concerning your wife and marriage boils down to: "What will you do if it dose not work out?" I think you need a plan for that. You can not stagnate. Improve your life without any woman in mind, not even your wife. This is what I meant.

I hope you can get back on track soon.
 
Something doesn't quite add up to me. You had a happy marriage with a lovely girl you had a deep connecion with. How did you become a violent addict? Were you an addict before? I'm glad to see you are no longer an addict, but you may want to work on the issues that made you one in the first place.
 

C-Note

Ostrich
Gold Member
I've found that home improvement/repair projects are really effective at giving you a feeling of accomplishment and confidence. If you rent, make sure you ask your landlord's permission first. If there are any nagging problems with your house or apartment, watch some YouTube videos on how to fix them, go to the home supply store and get the necessary equipment and materials, and then jump in and fix them. Whether it be loose stairs, a hole in the wall/ceiling, cranky toilet, slow drain, loose toilet paper/towel rack, leaky door frame, gouged hardwood floor, whatever, those are all things you can fix yourself instead of calling a repairman. Successfully repairing something you've never attempted before will give you immense pride in yourself.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
The Stronger Sex said:
Something doesn't quite add up to me. You had a happy marriage with a lovely girl you had a deep connecion with. How did you become a violent addict? Were you an addict before? I'm glad to see you are no longer an addict, but you may want to work on the issues that made you one in the first place.
I met her at 16, but we were not living together. We were not even living in the same country.

I was living in New York City (I mention this because there's a ton of drugs and bad influences there. It's a terrible place).

I started smoking weed at 16 and doing hard drugs at 18 (all while living apart from her).

I also had crazy ideas about sex and relationships. I insisted that she let me bang other girls when we were living apart.

In 2016, I hooked up with another girl and caught feelings for her, and I was a total asshole to my wife about it. This led to her developing a deep resentment towards me, and in early 2017, there was a violent incident. She got scared and told her family what happened, and from that point on, her family never spoke to me again and my relationship with my wife was never the same.

We had plans to have her move to the US as early as 2011 (when I was 19), but she didn't feel comfortable moving in with a drug addict, so that ended up getting delayed until late 2018. In the meantime, I would travel to her country 2 or 3 times a year to spend time with her, and we would speak on the phone every day.

However, I continued to use drugs, and when she finally moved in with me in 2018, I was too far gone.

We had been split up for most of 2018, and when she finally got back together with me in November of that year, she refused to have sex with me right away. Instead of being a gentleman and being understanding, I got violent and turned to drugs to deal with the frustration. Eventually, she had enough and she left.

P.S. When I talk about violence, I mean that I have held thrown her down on the bed (never the floor), held her down, broken down doors, and committed acts of violence against myself in front of her.

There was never any hitting or anything else that could cause serious injury to her.

In fact, one time I was holding a large kitchen knife. She was trying to calm me down and said to me "drop the knife and give me a hug." I refused, so she said "OK, don't drop the knife and give me a hug anyway. I know you're not going to hurt me."

She knew I would never do anything to injure her, but my behavior scared her anyway (and with good reason).
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Sankt Michael said:
I just read the new info since Friday in the God Pill Thread. I am sorry to hear that you were kicked out of school...
It turns out I didn't flunk out of school. My teacher gave me an extension to finish the project. I have to finish by tonight at 11 PM or else I fail, so I better get to work.
 

KingDavid

Sparrow
It turns out I didn't flunk out of school. My teacher gave me an extension to finish the project. I have to finish by tonight at 11 PM or else I fail, so I better get to work.
You need to let her go, she still feels weakness in you, and believe it or not she is doing this to help you. If you can let her go and grow as a man she might come back.

She can't feel you being needy at all though, you have to completely be willing to never see her again. Personally I grew a lot as a man when a woman did this to me - I learned that I could be alone and not need anything or anyone to find the real person inside. She came back, but I'd grown so much I didn't want her anymore.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
You need to let her go, she still feels weakness in you, and believe it or not she is doing this to help you. If you can let her go and grow as a man she might come back.

She can't feel you being needy at all though, you have to completely be willing to never see her again. Personally I grew a lot as a man when a woman did this to me - I learned that I could be alone and not need anything or anyone to find the real person inside. She came back, but I'd grown so much I didn't want her anymore.
I wasn't gonna post in this thread anymore, but I see it got bumped so I will respond.

You're right about me needing to let go and not pursue her. I don't think that means literally being OK with never seeing her again, but definitely not acting needy or showing that I am weak without her.

Between last August (the last time I saw her when we had a big fight) and this March, I did things like trying to find her at her doctor's office or her pharmacy. I even hired a PI to try and find her number for me. None of it worked.

A month ago, after talking to my priest and exchanging PM's with several forum members, I decided I would not put anymore effort into trying to contact her and instead I would focus on my faith and becoming put my faith in God to keep her close enough to Him that she won't do anything stupid (such as dating other men) so that, if it is God's will, I will be able to get close to her again when the time is right.

I also prayed to God to reveal to me if getting my wife back is not my mission, and to give me the strength to move on and accept losing her if it is His will.

2 weeks ago (after I had stopped trying to contact her), her phone number randomly fell in my lap. I called her, and after we got past her initial anger ("How did you get my number? Do you also have my address? You better not try to come find me at my house.") she calmed down and we had a nice little conversation, even joking and laughing a little bit.

I told her I miss her, and that while I would
take the next few months to focus on myself and not be contacting her, I haven't forgot about her and I would like to eventually reestablish contact. She did not balk at this or show any objection.

I got the impression that she still cares about me very deeply but is very stressed and does not want to deal with me or our issues at the moment. I did not get the impression that she had moved on and dated other men (I know her well and I am very good at picking up on subtleties in her tone of voice and choice of words).

I kind of regret not asking her to meet me because now I won't talk to her for a while and I don't know when I'll get to ask her, but maybe it's for the best.

God will eventually provide me with answers as long as I trust Him, as He has proven to me so far.
 

KingDavid

Sparrow
I wasn't gonna post in this thread anymore, but I see it got bumped so I will respond.

You're right about me needing to let go and not pursue her. I don't think that means literally being OK with never seeing her again, but definitely not acting needy or showing that I am weak without her.

Between last August (the last time I saw her when we had a big fight) and this March, I did things like trying to find her at her doctor's office or her pharmacy. I even hired a PI to try and find her number for me. None of it worked.

A month ago, after talking to my priest and exchanging PM's with several forum members, I decided I would not put anymore effort into trying to contact her and instead I would focus on my faith and becoming put my faith in God to keep her close enough to Him that she won't do anything stupid (such as dating other men) so that, if it is God's will, I will be able to get close to her again when the time is right.

I also prayed to God to reveal to me if getting my wife back is not my mission, and to give me the strength to move on and accept losing her if it is His will.

2 weeks ago (after I had stopped trying to contact her), her phone number randomly fell in my lap. I called her, and after we got past her initial anger ("How did you get my number? Do you also have my address? You better not try to come find me at my house.") she calmed down and we had a nice little conversation, even joking and laughing a little bit.

I told her I miss her, and that while I would
take the next few months to focus on myself and not be contacting her, I haven't forgot about her and I would like to eventually reestablish contact. She did not balk at this or show any objection.

I got the impression that she still cares about me very deeply but is very stressed and does not want to deal with me or our issues at the moment. I did not get the impression that she had moved on and dated other men (I know her well and I am very good at picking up on subtleties in her tone of voice and choice of words).

I kind of regret not asking her to meet me because now I won't talk to her for a while and I don't know when I'll get to ask her, but maybe it's for the best.

God will eventually provide me with answers as long as I trust Him, as He has proven to me so far.
The Trinity > Man > Woman > Child

You have to love her from a position of authority, not idolizing her or seeing her as your savior, you'll need to let the previous vision of her go, be fine with never seeing her again. It’s good that you’re putting your faith in Christ, the better you follow Him the better leader you’ll be to your wife.
 
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Rob Banks

Pelican
So in the days since I last posted here, I have once again been influenced by evil and driven to violate the boundaries my wife set regarding contact with her, causing her to get alienated again.

I couldn't just accept that me and her had a nice phone conversation and then respect her boundaries and her distance. I just had to try and rush things and force the situation and I once again sabotaged myself.

I seem to be too far gone for daily prayer and meditation and weekly church attendance to be enough. The demons and evil spirits will always find a way to get to me.

I don't see how I'll find the will to keep going towards God now, especially now that I see how easily 4 months of good can be wiped out by just one or two hours of being influenced by demons.
 

AnonymousBosch

Crow
Gold Member
I seem to be too far gone for daily prayer and meditation and weekly church attendance to be enough. The demons and evil spirits will always find a way to get to me.
You are in Spiritual Desolation, meaning, you are being trialed by the Demons, allowed by God, so you can learn to fight against them and grow in spiritual strength. Sometimes we fail. You know what to do. Don't get upset, go to confession and begin again.

You know the Rules of Discernment: the Demons will label your current state of Desolation as your fixed, permanent state. "You will never change." "You will always be a sinner."

Like everything they say, it is a lie.

Reread the rules, and listen to the second series of Spiritual Desolation that I linked earlier. It's easy to see what they are doing: making you mistrust both Self and God to destroy the relationship you're forming with him.

If you 'give up on God', they win. Why give them what they want, when the Rules are there as time-tested weapons against the Demonic.

I will write something in the Abuse thread as a follow up so you can see how I used them to sense something was really wrong after my healing the other night, allowing me to:

1. Be aware.
2. Understand.
3. Take action.

... thereby resolving the issue very quickly.
 

Leonard D Neubache

Owl
Gold Member
Rob, what you have seen you cannot un-see. What you know you cannot un-know.

I hate to use a cheap and dated analogy but you are like someone who's been freed from the Matrix and now wants to go back. You can't. It's just not who you are anymore.

This is something I suffer from constantly. God is rightfully taking from me the joys I used to feel from my many pointless diversions. Television shows. Video games. Movies. Even this forum to the extent I want to discuss anything other than Him.

You can go back to doing the things you did but you will not enjoy them in the way you used to. You will always be on the outside looking in and you will never see the other deviants as fellows or comrades the way you used to either.

You were warned several times that your path to God cannot be transactional but infernal forces once again tricked you into saddling your relationship with God with your relationship with your wife. Even now your fall makes no sense to the casual reader. You screwed up with your wife again. What does that have to do with God? He didn't move closer to you or further away before or after the screwup. He's there just the same as He ever was and His offer is just the same as it ever was too.

None of us here can force you to do one thing or the other, but I can guarantee you that you will find the deal the infernal forces are offering you to be a scam. Let me guess. "Come back to us and things will be just like they were before." Ah, yes, and they will make good on that, and it will only be in the thick of it that you realise how garbage the "before" part was. Believe me, I've read back through a bunch of my old posts here during the "good old days" and they make me sick to feel what I felt then.

The only path to happiness is forward to God. You chose the Red pill (thank God and thank goodness, because eternity is a long time to spend in damnation) but you're out of the matrix now and your choices on this mortal coil have been reduced to a miserable attempt to live out your days trying to un-take the red pill or the hard choice to soldier on to eternal victory.

One side wants your mortal life to end in a gutter choking on your own vomit after ruining countless other lives, thereafter to suffer for eternity.

The other side wants you to find eternal joy and salvation through Christ, and moreover they don't care how many times you fail as long as you succeed in the end.

You feel down now. That's understandable. But the infernal forces are legalistic. What's important is that you don't commit to anything stupid. Only a moron would sign a contract in an emotional state like that, right? You're at least that streetwise, I take it.

So take a few days to yourself and tell the infernal lawyers to fuck off. You don't have to decide anything on any timeline other than your own, so just remember where those nagging accusations and demands for life-altering decisions are coming from. They're not coming from you, I can tell you that much.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
You're right. And that's what I am doing. I got myself a room for a few days so I could be alone and comfortable.

Yesterday, when I wrote those posts and sent those PM's, I was actually under the influence of strong sedatives I was given for a medical procedure I had.

That doesn't mean I don't believe what I said, though. Just that I should have expressed it differently.

I don't believe my relationship with God is transactional. If I had done the right thing and kept calm and my wife had told me to fuck off anyway, I would not be angry with God or discouraged in my faith. But that's not what happened.

Friday night, I believe it was demonic influence that encouraged me to text her asking for a meeting (why am I trying to rush things when I literally just reestablished contact with her?), and then after she didn't respond to the first text, the demons took total control and I was in a sort of trance where I was incapable of reason and incapable of perceiving how reckless I was being.

It was like the same thing that used to happen when I would get high and act violently and then regret it the next day (minus the actual drugs and violence, but it was the same mental process and demonic influence).

That is why I am so discouraged. It feels like the devil and the evil spirits are simply too strong. If they can cause me to lose all reason at the drop of a hat (despite my daily prayer and weekly church attendance), then I'm not sure there's much I can do against them.

It then seems reasonable to resign in defeat and submit to them.

At the very least, I suppose I should take my priest's advice and not contact my wife anymore until I am rid of this demonic influence. That way I won't be bringing evil to her.

---------------------------------------------------

P.S. The one good thing that might come from this is that I have decided to stop taking seriously the advice of a certain friend of mine.

This guy is always quick to point out how has helped me out a lot over the years and even talked me out of taking my own life, but last week he was the only one telling me how I should be more assertive in asking my wife to meet me (when everyone around me was saying the opposite).

He also has said things over the years that are very counterproductive ("You don't think the man in that picture is your wife's boyfriend? Of course he might be. You should ask her.") and he is always quick to tell me how much of an idiot I am when I screw up and how much I deserve it.

This guy has also done things like claiming to have lost 100% of the $4000 I once gave him to invest in cryptocurrency, charging me 300% interest on a plane ticket he bought me when I was desperate to come back to the US to see my wife, and taking me to hookers as a way to "distract myself" from my wife being gone.
 
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Rob Banks

Pelican
I'm ashamed to say I've gone back to the old life I described in my OP.

I moved back to New York City planning to park outside my wife's apartment and wait for her, but when I drove by, she had the window open. I could see the refrigerator and a houseplant inside. It was springtime weather. It looked so peaceful. I don't want to disturb her. It's probably for the best.

As for me, I appreciate all the advice from everyone, but God and Jesus are not for me. I believe I am too far gone. Since I started going to church back in January, I have not had a single moment of genuine peace.

I have been bad, and God seems to want nothing but suffering for me, going so far as to lead me to believe I was making progress only to have it taken away at the drop of a hat.

So it would be fair to say I am in rebellion against God. I will probably go to hell, but at least I can numb my pain a little bit during my life on Earth.

I will probably not be posting here anymore. ai have enough respect for the forum to know I shouldn't post here anymore given what I've just wrote.
 
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