bigolteddies said:
Sooth said:
Terrible news. Sorry for your loss.
One of my work mates lost his best friend and room mate in similar circumstances. They had been partying the night before which was not unusual and his room mate got very drunk which again was not unusual. My friend went to bed early because he had work the next day.
In the morning he got up, stepped over his friend on the floor assuming he was hungover / asleep and went to work as normal. On returning his friend was in the same position.
My buddy was accused by the family of allowing this to happen, saying he should have done more etc, but the reality was everyone had tried to help him.
There is a process of grieving and coming to terms with the situation but you must realise that it's not your fault. What you mustn't do is let this be an excuse to fall into a "woe is me" mindset, at least not for a prolonged period.
Did you have any ptsd or trouble dealing with the shock of finding a dead body of someone close to you. This is what disturbs me the most, the images, coldness, colors, and emotions that happened when I found the body, I can't get it out of my head.
Thats terrible. Wishing you well at this time..
We're all trying to say the right things but we will all, inevitably, fall short in what we want to say to you.
I cant stand my brother, have days when I feel positively violent toward him, it pains me. I cannot imagine how painful it would feel to lose him though. Here you were living with him and trying to help him. If you experience guilt and regret bear in mind that it is a totally natural response. Feeling those emotions doesn't actually indicate anything objective about you. Except that you are human.
Maybe.. bear in mind the example of a man that visited a buddhist teacher I know of. He was walking with his young son, 6/7 years old. Empty street. A propos of nothing, the kid excitedly stepped off the kerb. Just as a speeding car came flying, hugging the corner. The guy sees his son's hair fly up as he gets hit - over and over and over.
And every day he replays it. Grabbing his son. Giving his son a stern talking to before the walk. Giving his son a loving lecture. Making sure the kid was still walking on his inside just before it happened.
The Buddhist teachers response: that is what the mind does. And it will keep on doing it.
Maybe one day when the father is able to fully experience all the pain and sadness he will no longer replay it all the time.
At first it is natural. Over time it is a way that the mind protects itself until it is able to fully experience the pain.
In my experience: I didn't want to do that. In my life I kept replaying the pain and the images.
Two dipshits out of nowhere saying to me that they were going to kill me.
Just the glee in their faces when they were screaming to Allah and attacking me.
Fighting them off but more and more of their friends coming. Just the noise, the echoing noise in the street of their footsteps, when I was keeping them at bay and they circled me and tried to get around behind me.
The dark blackness and the feeling that my head was a stone that was being pierced by a needle.
The voice calling to me, telling me to leave this life behind. Such a sweet voice, telling me its okay to let go.
The harsh white lights when I came to.. the medics working on me. The scraping sound of everyones footsteps, the look of disgust on bystanders faces when they looked at me.
When I finally faced up to the pain of my whole life being turned upside down I was left in pieces. the replaying went at that time,
maybe it would have gone with the course of time anyway but in my case but in my case it went with an emotional catharsis and at some cost to my ego, my self esteem, my ability to hold it together for a few days.
I had PTSD - it is not beyond the bounds of probability that the trauma you just experienced will leave you with PTSD.
In the Uk they leave a gap of a few months between the trauma and diagnosis and treatment. Getting help and support is great.
If you get frustrated with the pace of things or your own inbuilt resistance to treatment/ moving forward don't be surprised.
You will have an inbuilt timetable for recovering that in many ways will be taking care of you, allowing you to deal with things at a pace that you can sustain.
There is a tension between acknowledgement and resolution - you have to get on living and part of you will both want and need to 'get past' this.. of course. But as you already know your brother and his memory is not something to get past or put behind you,
the trauma is..
it will take time and it will follow its own timetable, but if you find yourself struggling remember that a) you are struggling because you are a human being .. b) you are probably going through into an even deeper level of acceptance which, no matter how weird and strange, even angry, stupid, lazy, irritable, even drunk and drugged, it seems.. in the long run will allow your brother to live on inside your heart in a much fuller and stronger way into the future.
I hope this helps.
(Disregard if it doesn't.)
