Need Advice: I met a guy I really liked online, we met in person but he is not sure anymore about me. I feel devastated.

TMarie

Sparrow
Woman
Catholic
Yes, of course I agree this is not Christian behavior....

But "True" vs "good" aren't not the same thing.

Not saying for a second that it's acceptable... Just pointing out we shouldn't get into the habit of attempting to say who is truly and is not truly Christian.

I mean it's not like I'm the priest who denied Biden communion or anything...

King David was a man after God's own Heart and a Saint... He had his friend murdered to take his wife as his mistress...
So...
It can be messy.
King David repented and was sorry for his sins. Did you know that being drawn and quartered was common among English kings at the time of William Wallace, so that part of the movie is true. On the morning of August 23, he was transported to the Tower of London and stripped of his clothes. Next, they dragged him through the city on the heels of a horse. Scaffolding had been set up in the district of Smithfield. Upon his arrival, the executioner began to hang and release him quite a few times. William Wallace was then emasculated and disemboweled while still alive and breathing. The executioner finally beheaded him and quartered his body. The head was dipped in tar for preservation and placed on a pike near London Bridge. Wallace's four limbs were displayed in the centers of Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling, and Perth. So, in my opinion, King Edward I was not a good Christian, and I don't believe he ever repented for what was done to Wallace during his time as king.
 
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TheosisSeeker

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
Are you saying that the way the men adjust is by fornicating with them when they are young and then when they want to find a good wife they have the right to complain that there are no good women left to marry? A man who fornicated is no different than a woman fornicator. Their sins are the same.

I think the Christian ideal of men and women being virgins before entering into marriage was only possible when society existed in small, tribal, and heavily controlled forms. I don't see this as practical in the modern world outside of countries under strict Sharia law. Even there certain Arab males are known for fornication.

In times past in small communities, men matured faster, probably had strong male role models, and were ready to support a family by age 20. The entire community was supportive of this initiative.

In todays world, men are told to sow their wild oats and fornicate. Some men never exit this stage, smart ones don't engage in it and understand it's a lie. Women are bombarded even more with feminist propaganda to be an independent promiscuous career woman.

So the spritual and practical answer for many is true repentence and cleansing through Christ.

I was never a 'player' fornicating with lots of women, however I did have relationships with women outside of the marriage bond. I have stopped that behavior and live more like a monk these days. If God grants me a wife, so be it if not I am content to live peacefully and support the Christian community.
 
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TMarie

Sparrow
Woman
Catholic
I think the Christian ideal of men and women being virgins before entering into marriage was only possible when society existed in small, tribal, and heavily controlled forms. I don't see this as practical in the modern world outside of countries under strict Sharia law. Even there certain Arab males are known for fornication.

In times past in small communities, men matured faster, probably had strong male role models, and were ready to support a family by age 20. The entire community was supportive of this initiative.

In todays world, men are told to sow their wild oats and fornicate. Some men never exit this stage, smart ones don't engage in it and understand it's a lie. Women are bombarded even more with feminist propaganda to be an independent promiscuous career woman.

So the spritual and practical answer for many is true repentence and cleansing through Christ.

I was never a 'player' fornicating with lots of women, however I did have relationships with women outside of the marriage bond. I have stopped that behavior and live more like a monk these days. If God grants me a wife, so be it if not I am content to live peacefully and support the Christian community.
Men and women being virgins before entering into marriage is still possible. The problem is that we never hear about those marriages, so people assume it never happens.
 

TheosisSeeker

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
Men and women being virgins before entering into marriage is still possible. The problem is that we never hear about those marriages, so people assume it never happens.

If people are on the younger side. It gets more and more difficult with age in modern times. Not sure on the stats, true that they would be difficult to determine as it's not something people would advertise publically. I imagine that it's less these days vs. 50 or 100 years ago.
 

Deusleveult

Woodpecker
Trad Catholic
To respond to the OP, you clearly stated that your family is overprotective and controlling.
That means that they do their best to protect you from bad men that will only use you for sex.
It is noble from them and it is something a lot of western parents lack, so props to them for that.
BUT what have they done to help you find a suitable husband? Did they actually presented you the sons of good families that they know at Church or elsewhere?
Also do you have older daughters that are happily married? If so how and where did they meet their husband?
Do you also have older brothers or cousins that have male friends that are serious and trustworthy and who are looking for a wife?
And finally do you go to Church regularly?
 

messaggera

Pelican
Woman
Other Christian
"Arguing basic stuff" is what all the menfolk do when they pile on every woman who asks for advice here with a lecture about statistics and norms.

Lead by example?

Leading by example is sometimes giving the unpopular truth to the redundant basic stuff stated. Sorry.

The Ladies Forum content / purpose is becoming devalued with the same basic stuff asked by new women, and the same advice given over and over by men.

Perhaps women seeking secular online dating advice on a Christian forum should not continuously create new threads over and over with similar requested advice. Either

A) search and review the current thread topics on secular dating, and ask the question in that thread; or
B) use the "had to have" Ladies Lounge (Women Only) thread to request advice from women only

When truth is given and one does not like the answer be assured the same request for advice with be asked in a different manner in hope to receive different / accepted advice.


 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
Perhaps women seeking secular online dating advice on a Christian forum should not continuously create new threads over and over with similar requested advice.
Perhaps. But that sounds like the sort of thing that would need to be made a rule, and people trained to follow - because it is not intuitive for people to minimize themselves in this way when seeking advice on emotional and very personal topics. To the person putting themselves out there and asking, it's not "over and over" (with the exception of actual trolls and sock puppets) - it's the first time.

Leading by example is sometimes giving the unpopular truth to the redundant basic stuff stated. Sorry.
I maintain that generic and harsh-sounding answers about how modern women ruin themselves with partying and promiscuity, etc. until they are too old and washed up to marry, or the insinuation that the probable reason for a relatively young woman being single is that she is "ugly" - is not a helpful or appropriate response in the context of this thread AND many others.

Perhaps THAT ADVICE should be posted in threads where it makes sense contextually, or where people are discussing statistics and cultural norms.

Dropping redundant and generic knowledge that is not apparently relevant to what is being specifically asked, does not add value.

(And often comes across as opportunistic grandstanding at the expense of others.)
 
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Sitting Bull

Woodpecker
Trad Catholic
I maintain that generic and harsh-sounding answers about how modern women ruin themselves with partying and promiscuity, etc. until they are too old and washed up to marry, or the insinuation that the probable reason for a relatively young woman being single is that she is "ugly" - is not a helpful or appropriate response in the context of this thread AND many others.

Dropping redundant and generic knowledge that is not apparently relevant to what is being specifically asked, does not add value.

(And often comes across as opportunistic grandstanding at the expense of others.)

I agree, and I would say most of this to a correct understanding of Christian charity.
 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
Returning to the topic at hand, Dove, was the man that broke your heart live outside Mexico and was he a foreigner? Would he have moved to Mexico with you and settled close to your family? One must really consider whether one can even leave such a small, rural, tight-knit community. Many women dream of having a foreign man whisk them away to a new life, but in reality, they grow weary and depressed about being separated from their kith and kin. I have known women that have cried themselves to sleep every night because their flesh and blood was miles away and oceans apart...
This is a very good point and good advice, which I skipped over in my haste to address the scenario that seems most likely - which is that the man isn't serious about marriage.

Even if he is serious about marrying and ends up realizing that his objections/hesitations can be safely set aside and marries you - that is no guarantee of happiness.

If he were to whisk you away to America with him, you might also find that, beyond missing your family dearly - existence in this culture is NOT KIND to women who grew up very sheltered and protected. The overarching (backwards) mentality here seems to be that every woman ought to be her own protector. Even men who are relatively traditional often buy into this idea to varying degrees.
 

doveofthesun96

Chicken
Woman
Catholic
Thank you very much to you all for your opinions and sharing your beliefs in this thread. I had a talk with this guy and he told me it was better to wait until my parents are better with the idea of me dating a foreigner (he is from South Africa/ lives in US) to try meeting again with less rush in a few months and don’t cause more turmoil with my family. Which I am not sure if he really means it or it’s just a way to cut me off. I strive to keep working on myself and my faith and ask for guidance to be the best wife and mother in the future.
 

PineTreeFarmer

Woodpecker
Woman
Protestant
For women, your hit should probably be firstly - older than you'd like; and some past, which you don't like.
Older men are amazing. I would have one in a heartbeat. However, I think by the time most men are older, they've settled into how they're doing things and really don't want to mold a willful younger woman with fantasies of what life should be like within their own home.

It's been my experience that they will come by and talk on the porch, give you big hugs, do civil engineering in the local community, and open your car door at church. They usually have their own families. I have an old man friend (kind of like a granddad) whom I named my son after who comes by on Fridays when he takes his livestock to auction. Just to say hi and hug a soft woman.
The best you can shoot for is trying to give your children a better shot.
Most everyone learns from example, so sometimes having a spouse who stinks and having to move home with your kids contextualizes marriage for everyone else. All of my friends had kids after me, but even the most westernized, work oriented among them have stayed home with their kids and moved close to their parents. Even though we are from the city where women have the highest earning potential in the US.

There isn't a possibility for spontaneous blossoming of traditional families. It can only come top-down, in any quantity.
NOTHING is spontaneous. We are always learning from example. Even if it's a bad example!!
 

Blade Runner

Hummingbird
Orthodox
I was never a 'player' fornicating with lots of women, however I did have relationships with women outside of the marriage bond. I have stopped that behavior and live more like a monk these days. If God grants me a wife, so be it if not I am content to live peacefully and support the Christian community.
This is the most difficult part of the modern world, and why the forum can be valuable, to get support and bounce ideas off. These ideas mainly revolve around the struggle to live in the world but not be a monk, which seems like that becomes the odd and very unrealistic (to go to a mountain and have that type of ascetic life) struggle but the only real solution. Otherwise it seems, perhaps this is the hard path laid out, relatively constant mistakes/sinning, and repentance. But it feels bizarre when you know better but (women can't understand this) cycle in and out of T lust phases.
 

messaggera

Pelican
Woman
Other Christian
Perhaps. But that sounds like the sort of thing that would need to be made a rule, and people trained to follow - because it is not intuitive for people to minimize themselves in this way when seeking advice on emotional and very personal topics. To the person putting themselves out there and asking, it's not "over and over" (with the exception of actual trolls and sock puppets) - it's the first time.

Just to clarify: an individual "minimizes themselves when seeking advice" by placing the exact same question / request in an already created topic thread on the subject, in which, they are seeking advice?
 

PineTreeFarmer

Woodpecker
Woman
Protestant
This is the most difficult part of the modern world, and why the forum can be valuable, to get support and bounce ideas off. These ideas mainly revolve around the struggle to live in the world but not be a monk, which seems like that becomes the odd and very unrealistic (to go to a mountain and have that type of ascetic life) struggle but the only real solution. Otherwise it seems, perhaps this is the hard path laid out, relatively constant mistakes/sinning, and repentance. But it feels bizarre when you know better but (women can't understand this) cycle in and out of T lust phases.
The men here who are really of the mind to court someone in a meaningful, community building way, do things that are good for our collective families. I told one of the old men in what equates to a tiny village down the road from my wilderness house that I was sad the place the bus used to drop me off was falling in, and he put a new roof on it, and made a place closeby for us to have fellowship. Darts, pool, air hockey. And the church is right across the street. This is where the idea of lol CIVIL ENGINEERING came from. Grand gestures to unite us!
 

get2choppaaa

Hummingbird
Orthodox
To respond to the OP, you clearly stated that your family is overprotective and controlling.
That means that they do their best to protect you from bad men that will only use you for sex.
It is noble from them and it is something a lot of western parents lack, so props to them for that.
BUT what have they done to help you find a suitable husband? Did they actually presented you the sons of good families that they know at Church or elsewhere?
Also do you have older daughters that are happily married? If so how and where did they meet their husband?
Do you also have older brothers or cousins that have male friends that are serious and trustworthy and who are looking for a wife?
And finally do you go to Church regularly?
This begs the question... If they aren't facilitating a marriage.... Then what are they protecting you for.

I have kids, if I had a girl at age 26 and she wasn't married she'd be out of the house... Covetting and possessing your children isn't in there best interest.

OP:

At the same time, If you're sneaking around and going online to meet people when you know your parents wouldn't approve...I can't see how that's respectful either.

Bottom line, if they don't want you to meet people but aren't putting viable suitors in your life, there will be no change and you will waste away your fertile years in misery.

Sorry for the harsh observation... Just opining based off of what's being presented.

King David repented and was sorry for his sins. Did you know that being drawn and quartered was common among English kings at the time of William Wallace, so that part of the movie is true. On the morning of August 23, he was transported to the Tower of London and stripped of his clothes. Next, they dragged him through the city on the heels of a horse. Scaffolding had been set up in the district of Smithfield. Upon his arrival, the executioner began to hang and release him quite a few times. William Wallace was then emasculated and disemboweled while still alive and breathing. The executioner finally beheaded him and quartered his body. The head was dipped in tar for preservation and placed on a pike near London Bridge. Wallace's four limbs were displayed in the centers of Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling, and Perth. So, in my opinion, King Edward I was not a good Christian, and I don't believe he ever repented for what was done to Wallace during his time as king.
Im aware. Did you miss the part where I said I've got family in Scotland and wear a kilt. That's the legend at least.

You know it's funny because my priest was talking about Saint Constantine the other day... And pointed out we can't judge saints outside of the context of their times.

War, famine, executions all of that has been ordered by Christian kings at times, some of them have been canonized as saints.

I'm not justifying the murder and torture of people...but your logic is the sort of slippery slope that leads to black people demonizing out founding fathers because some of them had slaves...

Surely you're not going that route?

I'm certainly not defending the King Edwards out there either
 

PineTreeFarmer

Woodpecker
Woman
Protestant
This begs the question... If they aren't facilitating a marriage.... Then what are they protecting you for.

I have kids, if I had a girl at age 26 and she wasn't married she'd be out of the house... Covetting and possessing your children isn't in there best interest.

OP:

At the same time, If you're sneaking around and going online to meet people when you know your parents wouldn't approve...I can't see how that's respectful either.

Bottom line, if they don't want you to meet people but aren't putting viable suitors in your life, there will be no change and you will waste away your fertile years in misery.

Sorry for the harsh observation... Just opining based off of what's being presented.


Im aware. Did you miss the part where I said I've got family in Scotland and wear a kilt. That's the legend at least.

You know it's funny because my priest was talking about Saint Constantine the other day... And pointed out we can't judge saints outside of the context of their times.

War, famine, executions all of that has been ordered by Christian kings at times, some of them have been canonized as saints.

I'm not justifying the murder and torture of people...but your logic is the sort of slippery slope that leads to black people demonizing out founding fathers because some of them had slaves...

Surely you're not going that route?

I'm certainly not defending the King Edwards out there either
My parents guided us because they wanted blue eyed, blonde haired grandchildren. It took me years to realize my mom's desire for freshly caught shrimp and relative revulsion to farm raised shrimp was an allusion she was making to the educational, militaristic and cultural practices southernern prots use to maintain our landedness.

Everyone has a reason for parenting the way they do, but you don't really really know until you're older and have had some time to reflect without hormones completely overwhelming your decisions.
 

get2choppaaa

Hummingbird
Orthodox
My parents guided us because they wanted blue eyed, blonde haired grandchildren. It took me years to realize my mom's desire for freshly caught shrimp and relative revulsion to farm raised shrimp was an allusion she was making to the educational, militaristic and cultural practices southernern prots use to maintain our landedness.

Everyone has a reason for parenting the way they do, but you don't really really know until you're older and have had some time to reflect without hormones completely overwhelming your decisions.
What does that have to do with the point I am making other than to say that there are motives behind the decisions being made? I fully understand that as a parent with lots of kids. Its a little different for me having boys, but the principle remains the same : Faciliate opportunities for your children to make eventual spouses through introductions. For me its the Church. We live in rural area outside of Houston, but the expectation is that the boys have to marry Orthodox women if they want my approval. But ultimately, I'm not going to involve myself in their decisions as adults, only to remind them of the examples we set for them.

So I can agree that you might "guide your children" but that also means faciliation. Further my point is that not facilitating marriage or not allowing the person to pursue those goals is not going to provide a postive outcome in my opinon, especailly during peak years of beauty and courtship (your 20's)

My thoughts are that OP should either stop acting in secret regarding dating online and be open with it (not something I would do since everyone I ever met online was nuts or disengenous) or convey to parents the genuine desire for a Christian husband, and would prefer her parents to approve of that person, so thusly is requesting that they facilitate.

My wife had a much more blunt/harsh take, having a lot of interaction with Mexican families and culture: Her take was you either:
1) Continue doing what your doing and get further down the line in age and probably not any closer to what you want....
2) Be honest with your parents expressing your desire for them to have them approve of a suitor, and tell them they need to facilitate.
3) Disobey them again and try it on your own... probably not a great idea

Really those are your ownly options. Probably number 2 is the best one that will provide the least discord, and the best way to go (I can say thats what worked out for me also in my second marriage being introduced by family)
 

PineTreeFarmer

Woodpecker
Woman
Protestant
What does that have to do with the point I am making other than to say that there are motives behind the decisions being made? I fully understand that as a parent with lots of kids. Its a little different for me having boys, but the principle remains the same : Faciliate opportunities for your children to make eventual spouses through introductions. For me its the Church. We live in rural area outside of Houston, but the expectation is that the boys have to marry Orthodox women if they want my approval. But ultimately, I'm not going to involve myself in their decisions as adults, only to remind them of the examples we set for them.

So I can agree that you might "guide your children" but that also means faciliation. Further my point is that not facilitating marriage or not allowing the person to pursue those goals is not going to provide a postive outcome in my opinon, especailly during peak years of beauty and courtship (your 20's)

My thoughts are that OP should either stop acting in secret regarding dating online and be open with it (not something I would do since everyone I ever met online was nuts or disengenous) or convey to parents the genuine desire for a Christian husband, and would prefer her parents to approve of that person, so thusly is requesting that they facilitate.

My wife had a much more blunt/harsh take, having a lot of interaction with Mexican families and culture: Her take was you either:
1) Continue doing what your doing and get further down the line in age and probably not any closer to what you want....
2) Be honest with your parents expressing your desire for them to have them approve of a suitor, and tell them they need to facilitate.
3) Disobey them again and try it on your own... probably not a great idea

Really those are your ownly options. Probably number 2 is the best one that will provide the least discord, and the best way to go (I can say thats what worked out for me also in my second marriage being introduced by family)
I'm with you. I met both of my husbands and my best friend's husband online. They all came to meet my parents within a month.

The first husband was infertile or we would've stayed together. I love him very much, still.

Anyway, our other bestie's husband was in my fourth grade class, and had the same babysitter as the other bestie's husband who was in my fourth grade class.

I get the facilitating growth, but you have to bring them home from a local community!! If there is no community, or everyone is otherwise related distantly, it's a different issue.

Either way, at 26, I would probably opt for going out with my cuter friends until it yielded good results. Or going to birthday parties if they had kids. Or local facebook events of churches nearby. That's all I got.

My brain is in the Old Believers reuniting with the Russian Orthodox base?
 

Kitty Tantrum

Kingfisher
Woman
Catholic
Just to clarify: an individual "minimizes themselves when seeking advice" by placing the exact same question / request in an already created topic thread on the subject, in which, they are seeking advice?
From the perspective of the individual who is already in a somewhat emotional state, yes, it feels that way. But also in a quite literal way - what you are proposing is precisely that they should make their questions "take up less space."

(Conversely, they might think it would be rude to "hijack someone else's thread" to ask questions about their own situation.)

I'm not saying it would be a bad rule to implement, for dating/courtship advice requests to be confined to existing threads. I don't see that we have this rule, however - and even if we did, my stance is that such a rule would not justify aggressively and opportunistically heaping irrelevant condescension on the OP as some kind of social punishment for starting a new thread.
 

PineTreeFarmer

Woodpecker
Woman
Protestant
From the perspective of the individual who is already in a somewhat emotional state, yes, it feels that way. But also in a quite literal way - what you are proposing is precisely that they should make their questions "take up less space."

(Conversely, they might think it would be rude to "hijack someone else's thread" to ask questions about their own situation.)

I'm not saying it would be a bad rule to implement, for dating/courtship advice requests to be confined to existing threads. I don't see that we have this rule, however - and even if we did, my stance is that such a rule would not justify aggressively and opportunistically heaping irrelevant condescension on the OP as some kind of social punishment for starting a new thread.
I think all of the relationship threads should be married together. Like table condiments at closing time.
 
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