I'm 23 years old and am a complete loser and on the verge of suicide. I was born in a former Soviet country and at about 6 years of age I was taken to Canada by my immigrant parents and as a result I have citizenship here. I am also currently stuck here because I am unvaccinated. I am a single child. My parents were entirely secular and although they stayed together and did not divorce, they did not raise me at all but basically just threw me into the public school system where I degenerated. My parents are toxic people who only care about themselves and are completely miserable. Because of my father's careerism, I was forced to switch schools and cities around 7 times, so I was made a complete rootless cosmopolitan with no friends. Some of the schools were ghetto, and I really hate those times. In fact, I cannot remember a single happy moment from my childhood or earlier life. I don't have any resentment or anger towards my parents, but they were not competent enough to be raising kids and should not have had me.
Since I was a single child and all of my relatives live overseas and we were constantly on the move across the country, the only people that I have any significant relationship with are my parents, who are very distant and live far away. They are also radically pro-vax. I was always unhealthy, because my parents fed me junk food in huge amounts growing up and made me get massive amounts of vaccines (including the annual flu vaccines), after which I would always get terribly sick. I am visibly unhealthy and I have narcolepsy. I am trying to treat all of my health problems but it is very hard without decent cash.
I finished the full 12 grade retarded Canadian "education" system with a 4.0 GPA, even though I exerted zero effort. I went to several Universities over a couple of years but higher education never interested me in the slightest and I couldn't finish it (part of the reason was because my mental faculties declined after I developed narcolepsy, but it also had to do with the fact that University has become insufferable now with all the wokeness), so I dropped out. I worked some dead end jobs but quit and have been a NEET ever since. My parents have provided me with an apartment in the middle of nowhere in Canada where I currently live and eat the cheapest junk available at Walmart because of no money. I never had a car, and was never taught to drive, nor do I have a licence. I have never had a girlfriend and am a virgin, moreover - my health conditions have made me ugly with grey hair, huge black bags under my eyes, extremely skinny, etc.
But my main problem is my masturbation and pornography addictions, starting from age 14. For 5 years I have tried to beat this addiction but cannot do it for the life of me. My reality is simply too depressing and I need some kind of drug to cope. I know for a fact that if I were stupid enough to get into alcohol or hard drugs as a teen, then I would be addicted to that as well. I feel that my addiction to lust is a coping mechanism for this dull reality that I live in. My porn addiction is really bad, and if I could choose one thing that I want out of this life, I would choose to overcome my lust forever.
I have been praying to God since about the time when I realized what porn is doing to my brain. I have been praying every morning, day, and evening for a long time now, but God has never helped me once over the last 5 years. Attending Church does not help either. It doesn't matter how much faith I have, when the urge strikes, nothing can stop me from relapsing.
My life is horrible and I don't see a point in continuing. I've told my story to multiple people and they say the obvious advice like "dude, just get a job, dude, just get an education, dude, just get a haircut, etc.". But I have really ran out of options at this point. It is quite appalling that my parents have witnessed my deteriorating condition for the last 5-8 years and don't care in the slightest. They are simply busy working and consuming product.
At this point, I have reached the end of the road with no real hope for the future. And the ongoing coronavirus and wokeness idiocy gives me no hope for society either. I'm seriously considering killing myself just to end this suffering.
I'm writing this to you in hope that you might have some unique advice to offer me. Maybe not, but it's still worth a shot.
Hi John. I am 24 years old, and I think I relate very much to your story.
My parents emigrated to another western country and expected me to raise by myself, without any effort to integrate or create any social circle. Many immigrants and bad influence at school. I never had a girl, and during high school I got terribly addicted to porn. It also was my only way to cope with the terrible school and totally negligent family.
But enough getting depressed, this is not the solution and we know it.
Now I am in Russia, since 5 months, and I started teaching at school. This allows me to remain here in Russia, where I am trying to rebuild all by myself. Many people underestimate it, but the social part and the community are the most important things. Too bad that my parents did not take care of it. And do all by start is very difficult. Lonelyness is very tough. I understand about your masturbation problem. It is not because of lust, but a way to escape of the tough situation. I cannot say that I have overcome it, but in the last months, It seems almost disappeared. Not by my self. But thanks to God.
I explain you.
The first 2 months here in Russia have been so tough, but I wanted to escape from where I came from, because there I saw no future. Not that this solution is suitable for all. Then I started attending Church, and this a bit helped. Plus the language was a huge barrier, but I studied hard, and obtained a decent level that allows me to communicate decently.
The loneliness was destroying me, start all from zero was so tough. I was totally alone. Then I decided to do something, and I had an enlightment. Here in Russia, thanks God is full of Orthodox Churches. During Xmas Holidays, I took my stuff, went out in the morning, and visited all the Churches that I could. There I prayed a little, but most importantly, I asked people who worked there, or the Priest, if they organized some volunteering, or any activity with young people. I found so many Churches and many welcomed me and invited me to many many activities. Now it's been almost 3 weeks, and I only had 2 days off, all the others either I was busy in Church helping, either working.
And this is the secret to reduce the loneliness. Of course, sometimes is still very tough, but I am creating good Christian friends, and they often invite me in many activities. Even only turning down the candles in the Church, I won't decline this offer. Or help in feeding poor people in the station. Or helping in an exposition of Orthodox icons. I found so many good people of Church that are welcoming me, and it is very hard now that I found myself without anything to do.
1) Try to build a community. Eventually more community, don't limit yourself to 1 Church. At the beginning, I was limiting myself to only 1 Church, but there were only old people, and I attended some activities and it was harder to connect with them. Then I decided to try many Churches, and I found many people that are very welcoming and invite me to help whenever I can. For example, yesterday, there was the Baptism of Jesus. They invited me to help and keep the Cross in the road-crossing and some other helps. Today I helped throwing the short candles in Church.
2) Try to get yourself always busy with practical things, As you can see, do not be so extreme and limit your self with prayers, reading of holy books and so on. Of course this is important, but understand that not all are suited only for this, and this was my mistake, as well as of many other people. I understand the holy books, and the prayers, but this is not enough. As they say here in Russia, faith without practice, is death.
And this includes contacts with people. We are not all born to be monks. Few people have this energy to do this, and this has been given by God. Do not be so extremist and spend 10 hours a day among prayer and readings of holy books. This is more harmful.
Do activities, find something. Volunteering and so on. Pray for this. When I prayed for this, then God filled me with so many things to do, that I barely even have the time for myself, and most importantly, you feel fulfilled and not lonely. You do not even have the time to contemplate how miserable is your lonlely life. You are too busy doing activities.
Please take these advices.
If you want to know more, feel free to message me.
