Need life advice - very bad situation
- Thread starter JohnD777
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Well, you couldn't have predicted the vaccine issue.
The problem with mastering multiple things is that you run the risk of being a jack of all trades, and master of none.
The point is to be protected against unpredictable job market changes.
You may not be able to master multiple skills, but you can become competent at a few— so that you always have a backup plan.
OP. Your main problem is self-pity. That thing is behind almost every unsuccessful, depressed man in this world, blaming a whole universe for his failure and fate.
Self-pity is a very addictive, sweet poison. But it is a learned behavior.
When we humans encounter adversity, then we can react in many ways.
Unfortunately, we often choose to blame circumstances and wallow in that sweet toxic feeling, expecting others to pity us endlessly.
But the problem is, that thing would keep you forever on the bottom, making you an eternal loser. The whole incel industry is precisely about that.
You have to stop using this behavior right now. You need to replace it with a much better response. The decision to never surrender to anything except God, the decision to continue to live, fight, and be even rightly enraged sometimes. You have to learn to react differently to adversity.
Do it consciously until it becomes a learned habit.
Replace pity even with anger (avoid uncontrolled, destructive rage) but never go back to sorrow and nihilism again.
Keep going and fighting. This world is not a place to rest. Heaven will be.
The world is not fair and is full of evil. So what? Do you let him win even without trying to fight? No way.
Never surrender to this fallen world, govt, culture, and all kinds of pathetic sucker rulers around.
Look at the heroes of the Bible. They never succumbed to any hardship.
These men are our role models, not modern effeminate cowards.
Self-pity is a very addictive, sweet poison. But it is a learned behavior.
When we humans encounter adversity, then we can react in many ways.
Unfortunately, we often choose to blame circumstances and wallow in that sweet toxic feeling, expecting others to pity us endlessly.
But the problem is, that thing would keep you forever on the bottom, making you an eternal loser. The whole incel industry is precisely about that.
You have to stop using this behavior right now. You need to replace it with a much better response. The decision to never surrender to anything except God, the decision to continue to live, fight, and be even rightly enraged sometimes. You have to learn to react differently to adversity.
Do it consciously until it becomes a learned habit.
Replace pity even with anger (avoid uncontrolled, destructive rage) but never go back to sorrow and nihilism again.
Keep going and fighting. This world is not a place to rest. Heaven will be.
The world is not fair and is full of evil. So what? Do you let him win even without trying to fight? No way.
Never surrender to this fallen world, govt, culture, and all kinds of pathetic sucker rulers around.
Look at the heroes of the Bible. They never succumbed to any hardship.
These men are our role models, not modern effeminate cowards.
I can relate to a lot of what your saying, although I don't think I had quite as many challenges as you did and at such a young age. I struggled with depression and isolation when I was younger, and my parents moved a lot so when I made friends, I'd eventually have to start over and that was difficult.
Without having money is an obstacle, but you can at least do some push ups and bodyweight squats in your room. Look at other bodyweight exercises. Go for walks -- they are very helpful especially if it is a nice setting. Drink more water, that is cheap enough. Healthy food isn't that expensive.... you can get vegetables at farmer's markets and even places like Aldi and Walmart have fairly cheap organic vegetables. Meat is pricey, but beans and rice are cheap enough. Learn to cook, you'll save a ton of money and have much healthier food than from eating out.
You said you are going to church which is a good step. Is it one you like? I wasn't that into going to church until I became Orthodox, and now it is a highlight of my week. Prayer is important too, as many others have said.
Read some books too. You can always get stuff from a library if money is an issue. Learning new things is good for the brain and will give you something to do besides porn. I've struggled with porn too.. but eventually it gets easier. All the times I have relapsed were due to stress + boredom, so I try to stay active and do things to take away my stress (prayer, going for walks, drinking herbal tea, talking to people, etc.).
Getting a job can not only help you out financially, but it can build confidence and help you meet people. You might have to try out a few before you find one you like.
People often think their problems are totally their fault, and internalize them, but often they stem from environmental factors and our lifestyle. We can change our lifestyle, and that will help tremendously. We can't change our upbringing, but we can change our environment moving forward and change the way we think about our upbringing (forgiving others, looking at suffering as a path to salvation, etc.).
Without having money is an obstacle, but you can at least do some push ups and bodyweight squats in your room. Look at other bodyweight exercises. Go for walks -- they are very helpful especially if it is a nice setting. Drink more water, that is cheap enough. Healthy food isn't that expensive.... you can get vegetables at farmer's markets and even places like Aldi and Walmart have fairly cheap organic vegetables. Meat is pricey, but beans and rice are cheap enough. Learn to cook, you'll save a ton of money and have much healthier food than from eating out.
You said you are going to church which is a good step. Is it one you like? I wasn't that into going to church until I became Orthodox, and now it is a highlight of my week. Prayer is important too, as many others have said.
Read some books too. You can always get stuff from a library if money is an issue. Learning new things is good for the brain and will give you something to do besides porn. I've struggled with porn too.. but eventually it gets easier. All the times I have relapsed were due to stress + boredom, so I try to stay active and do things to take away my stress (prayer, going for walks, drinking herbal tea, talking to people, etc.).
Getting a job can not only help you out financially, but it can build confidence and help you meet people. You might have to try out a few before you find one you like.
People often think their problems are totally their fault, and internalize them, but often they stem from environmental factors and our lifestyle. We can change our lifestyle, and that will help tremendously. We can't change our upbringing, but we can change our environment moving forward and change the way we think about our upbringing (forgiving others, looking at suffering as a path to salvation, etc.).
Easy_C
Peacock
Unfortunately, yeah, he realizes it now. He's dating an old friend which is good for him and he deserves that in my opinion.
That said he didn't really have "game". A lot his encounters I've heard stemmed from being good looking and the women he met tended to initiate with him. That and the weirdness of a military career can make transitioning to successful civilian deployment hard.
Easy_C
Peacock
There's no right answer here. Keep in mind, overall in the economy, we have a glut of managers and severe scarcity of experts. What does help is to be specialized but make sure that you have some transferability as well.
Don't give up John. As you can see, there's a lot of people on here who have been in a very similar state of affairs at one point or another. Since the beginning of the Covid saga, I lost a massive amount of what kept me happy. I also lost my father back in August. Nothing has been easy.
Stay away from extreme thinking. You've gotta accept where you're at and take it day by day. Whenever you start thinking something like "I'm screwed, it's all over, I screwed up, they screwed up, the world is psychotic and terrible, I can't, I'm sick, I'll never blah blah blah" STOP immediately. You have to become aware of this thinking and see it for what it really is. We see what we believe.
Have some compassion for yourself and the world. Easier said than done and it's something I struggle with from time to time and even more so when I'm depressed.
Stop reading about Covid and choose to believe otherwise. Covid and all of the nonsense associated with it is failing. I know you're in Canada and I've heard it's absolutely bonkers over there with the Covid theatrics but do your best to accept it and understand it doesn't define you and can't change what you will or won't accomplish in life. Do NOT go deep and start reading about anything to do with Vaccines and depopulation whatever. You need to take inventory or stock of what you are storing in your mind and cut out all of the things that are out of your control right now. So let all those people take the clown pill and act like self-righteous jerks. Don't give the uber-elite so much credit. They are not masterminds and won't ever win in the end. They're a bunch of perverse losers at the top that have too much money, that's all.
I had some better points in my head but I lost them. I got very sick last night so I'm kind of out of it right now but I saw your post and related very much to a lot of the overall feeling of what you wrote. I can tell that you beat the heck out of yourself because I do too. It ain't easy dude! But you're 23 years old and have much left to do here. Start simple and commit to the path and stop being so hard on yourself. Forgive your parents, the world, whoever hurt you and yourself and do your best to move on. Don't set the bar so high for yourself and take the small victories because they all add up. After a year of doing that you will be in such a better place. Start SMALL. Forget Keto if it's too expensive. Do not let the best be the enemy of the good!
Were you fired for just cause? If not, working in a very specialized industry is an important factor for a longer notice period. I hope you sued for wrongful dismissal.
You have a very optimistic outlook on Canadian law.
My job is unionized and my contract allows only my union to represent me in disputes with the employer. I cannot file an independent lawsuit.
However, my union is very pro vaxx and refused to represent me. So I have no real recourse.
The union rejected your grievance? Were you terminated or just put on leave? You could always bring a religious discrimination claim against your union and employer.
Yes, my union rejected my grievance because I “have no right to put others at risk” by my decision to not disclose my vaccination status.
There have already been rulings on religious discrimination and Covid measures here. They didn’t go well.
Sorry to hear about your situation brother. I admire your bravery. You'll get your reward, and they'll have to face their Creator and answer for what they are doing.
Sorry I can't offer anything useful in terms of advice, but I offer up my prayers to God for you.
Thank you brother. I know that God will provide for me and my family, and that He allows these things to happen for our spiritual growth.
Glory to God for all things!
"Sex is like oxygen. It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any."
Coming out of the woodwork for this one. I haven't read the whole thread, so some of this may be repeated. (And take none of this as criticism, just me trying to read between the lines of your post.)
You're brave for looking for help. You recognize that you have an addiction, but are looking for a solution. Sex addiction is also perhaps the most shameful one of them all - men think it's shameful to talk about it - they don't want to be labeled as a "wanker," "pervert", etc. This is solvable. You're 23 - lots of folks don't hit their stride until their 30s.
One of the main reasons for your gray everyday is dopamine desensitization.
The longer you spend masturbating, the more you desensitize yourself to everyday joys. The less energy you have to get up in the morning, and the less energy you have to chase accepted - and necessary - milestones of human life.
Your goal ISN'T to "never masturbate." Masturbation is a substitution for a biological function. Right now, it controls you. Your goal is to treat it like any other biological function and control when and how long you do it.
Doing a "cold turkey" attempt to quit is going to be difficult. What about a step-ladder approach?
1. Reduce duration
2. Reduce frequency
3. Reduce stimulation
4. Substitute positive behaviors
You don't have to delete your porn stash. Put it on an external hard drive or password protect it with a lengthy, random password that you won't remember (write it down). Make it hard to access at a moment's notice.
However long you spend per session, create a time limit that you don't generally reach. If you spend an hour a day, no more than two hours a day for now. If it's four hours - set it to six hours. Use blocker software to set a high but tolerable daily limit. Password protect it. Reduce that time by 5 minutes a day or 15 minutes a week, whatever.
Actually SCHEDULE your "wanking time." If you masturbate for an hour twice a day, schedule an hour in the morning (say, 10am) and evening (say, 7pm). You can do anything but that in between. You know you'll get your "fix" just a short while later. Slowly increase the gaps and reduce frequency.
Want to jack off? Set a timer, finish, then stop. Don't use masturbating as an open-ended way to pass the time.
Switch to a single-tab browser so you're not opening 100 tabs of porn. You only have one penis, so you only need one source of stimulation.
Switch from more stimulating to less stimulating porn. First, genres of videos - no more extremes, move towards vanilla content. Then from videos to photos or still images of nudes. Then from images to stories. Then clothed images. Then only to mental images and fantasies. You get the idea.
Technological limits (like website blockers, etc.) will be an artificial solution, or training wheels. Take them off and you might relapse with a vengeance. Adjust slowly.
Eventually, delete your porn stash. Keep your website blockers.
Your goal is to restore your dopamine sensitivity. It may take a while, but you can and will recover with time. As you do so, you will find more energy to do other things, as well as getting more pleasure from them.
It's said that idle hands are the devil's work. Religious aspects aside - find ways to get out of the house and get busy with anything else. Go for a walk. Find any job, even if it's stocking shelves at the local convenience store or a call center. Volunteer. Find ways to be around other people, of any age.
Try journaling. Just stream of consciousness writing. We have a recency bias - unless you write down your thoughts and feelings, you won't have a reference to how you were actually feeling some time ago. Over time, you should notice positive trends, as well as identify stressors that cause you to relapse.
Lastly, consider Sexaholics Anonymous... https://saa-recovery.org/ and https://www.sa.org/f2f/canada/ - they do have locations in Canada, and maybe some have sessions via Zoom for remote attendees.
Coming out of the woodwork for this one. I haven't read the whole thread, so some of this may be repeated. (And take none of this as criticism, just me trying to read between the lines of your post.)
You're brave for looking for help. You recognize that you have an addiction, but are looking for a solution. Sex addiction is also perhaps the most shameful one of them all - men think it's shameful to talk about it - they don't want to be labeled as a "wanker," "pervert", etc. This is solvable. You're 23 - lots of folks don't hit their stride until their 30s.
One of the main reasons for your gray everyday is dopamine desensitization.
The longer you spend masturbating, the more you desensitize yourself to everyday joys. The less energy you have to get up in the morning, and the less energy you have to chase accepted - and necessary - milestones of human life.
Your goal ISN'T to "never masturbate." Masturbation is a substitution for a biological function. Right now, it controls you. Your goal is to treat it like any other biological function and control when and how long you do it.
Doing a "cold turkey" attempt to quit is going to be difficult. What about a step-ladder approach?
1. Reduce duration
2. Reduce frequency
3. Reduce stimulation
4. Substitute positive behaviors
You don't have to delete your porn stash. Put it on an external hard drive or password protect it with a lengthy, random password that you won't remember (write it down). Make it hard to access at a moment's notice.
However long you spend per session, create a time limit that you don't generally reach. If you spend an hour a day, no more than two hours a day for now. If it's four hours - set it to six hours. Use blocker software to set a high but tolerable daily limit. Password protect it. Reduce that time by 5 minutes a day or 15 minutes a week, whatever.
Actually SCHEDULE your "wanking time." If you masturbate for an hour twice a day, schedule an hour in the morning (say, 10am) and evening (say, 7pm). You can do anything but that in between. You know you'll get your "fix" just a short while later. Slowly increase the gaps and reduce frequency.
Want to jack off? Set a timer, finish, then stop. Don't use masturbating as an open-ended way to pass the time.
Switch to a single-tab browser so you're not opening 100 tabs of porn. You only have one penis, so you only need one source of stimulation.
Switch from more stimulating to less stimulating porn. First, genres of videos - no more extremes, move towards vanilla content. Then from videos to photos or still images of nudes. Then from images to stories. Then clothed images. Then only to mental images and fantasies. You get the idea.
Technological limits (like website blockers, etc.) will be an artificial solution, or training wheels. Take them off and you might relapse with a vengeance. Adjust slowly.
Eventually, delete your porn stash. Keep your website blockers.
Your goal is to restore your dopamine sensitivity. It may take a while, but you can and will recover with time. As you do so, you will find more energy to do other things, as well as getting more pleasure from them.
It's said that idle hands are the devil's work. Religious aspects aside - find ways to get out of the house and get busy with anything else. Go for a walk. Find any job, even if it's stocking shelves at the local convenience store or a call center. Volunteer. Find ways to be around other people, of any age.
Try journaling. Just stream of consciousness writing. We have a recency bias - unless you write down your thoughts and feelings, you won't have a reference to how you were actually feeling some time ago. Over time, you should notice positive trends, as well as identify stressors that cause you to relapse.
Lastly, consider Sexaholics Anonymous... https://saa-recovery.org/ and https://www.sa.org/f2f/canada/ - they do have locations in Canada, and maybe some have sessions via Zoom for remote attendees.
There's been no human rights tribunal decisions that have considered religious exemptions to mandatory vaccinations in Canada. If you followed the proper channels in submitting a religious exemption per your collective agreement, and you were denied, then it would be prudent, IMO, to submit a human rights complaint. If the tribunal agrees to hear it, then that will bring your employer and union to the table. If you are of moderate intelligence (which you seem like you are), you can submit a human rights complaint without a lawyer.
I never submitted a religious exemption request. The exemption forms at my work require you to essentially sign away your rights to sue, and state that the local public health unit can impose additional restrictions on you and your family in case of an ‘outbreak’ — restrictions that wouldn’t apply to the vaccinated.
Those are not good conditions under which to request religious accommodations, and anyway most if not all such requests are denied.
Hi,
I can relate with a lot of the emotions that are coming through your post. I've experienced depression since I was 13 for around 10 years more or less. I'll try to keep my advice simple and focused. Hope it's helpful.
First thing you need to do is change that language about you being a complete loser. You're a troubled individual but if you convince yourself you're a loser you already lost. Change the language you use when you refer about yourself. For instance: ''I've been a loser my entire life but I'm going to fight and that's going to change'' If you believe in God you must know that there's Good in yourself that's worth fighting for. We are Men and we must FIGHT. Whether that is in the physical, spiritual, mental realm.
Also, positive things, You have a Canadian Passport!, I wish my passport allowed me to travel to most of the world without a Visa being required. Unfortunately, no. I'm a latino and my options are limited. You can start working on a plan about leaving Canada if you hate it so much. I hate a lot of things about my country and the people here, and would definitely leave if I had the chance, but for the time being, there's nothing I can do. I have to fight, here. For years I was so frustrated by this I changed the day I accepted it and started to enjoy what's good in here.
This is what you need to focus on after tweaking your mindset. Eat healthy, read about your medical condition, if it is not incapacitating you can treat it. I've also been troubled by disease. Specially one year of neurological problems that seemed to indicate ALS but thank GOD it wasn't. I now have Colon issues due to my diet. I changed it. Be logical and try to tackle your problems. One by one. If narcolepsy is a big problem, embrace it like a man. There must be ways to treat it. I also have something called geographical tongue, I thought I had cancer. One of my kidneys is weird so I had issues with infections on and off. Were they stressfull? Yes, Were they treateable? Yes. Ask yourself the same thing.
Do they sell fruits, vegetables and lean meats in Walmart? or do you buy the junk food because you're lazy and you don't want to commit to improving your eating habits. If you parents provide you with an apartment in the middle of nowhere, BE THANKFUL!, imagine being a homeless person, or having to provide for yourself. I'm thirty and I have never touched a Car, I can't afford a car, neither did my family. They are broke, I basically provide for mom and dad cause they are unemployed and we have 0 benefits from the government. About the ugliness, well, unless you're really short, have disfigurement and are balding I'd say it may be in you're head as a result of the whole depression. Even if you were, you could work on that as well!. I also thought I was the ugliest being alive, it turned out when I changed all of those things women were attracted to me. You'll get a girlfriend once you fix the other stuff and put the work.
Well, You've seen yourself in a deteriorating condition for the past 5-8 years, and you are fully aware of it, and yet have done nothing to stop it. Stop putting blame on others. You need to own your problems and FIGHT.
On the killing yourself thing, I know what it feels like, I used to visit a suicide support chat and also went to the shrink for around 5 years. But, are you really going to give up? Unless you have a really serious life-threatening condition as ALS or a really scary cancer, do you really think you have such a problem that justifies taking your own life? May not be a really orthodox thing to do but I suggest checking this story about this guy with Face cancer to see what a real problem is, I can imagine this guy saying he needs to end his own suffering. As for your case it seems to me all your problems have a solution, it won't be easy, but you can do it. Also, Thank GOD every day, and love your parents. Honor them. I can't think of anything else. Cheers dude.
I can relate with a lot of the emotions that are coming through your post. I've experienced depression since I was 13 for around 10 years more or less. I'll try to keep my advice simple and focused. Hope it's helpful.
First thing you need to do is change that language about you being a complete loser. You're a troubled individual but if you convince yourself you're a loser you already lost. Change the language you use when you refer about yourself. For instance: ''I've been a loser my entire life but I'm going to fight and that's going to change'' If you believe in God you must know that there's Good in yourself that's worth fighting for. We are Men and we must FIGHT. Whether that is in the physical, spiritual, mental realm.
Also, positive things, You have a Canadian Passport!, I wish my passport allowed me to travel to most of the world without a Visa being required. Unfortunately, no. I'm a latino and my options are limited. You can start working on a plan about leaving Canada if you hate it so much. I hate a lot of things about my country and the people here, and would definitely leave if I had the chance, but for the time being, there's nothing I can do. I have to fight, here. For years I was so frustrated by this I changed the day I accepted it and started to enjoy what's good in here.
My Mom and dad are not Christian, they never married, never loved each other. Both cheated on each other, both hated each other. I judged them and hated them for years, hated them for bringing me into this world. But then I realised, they are also human beings just like me, they were broken by the hardships of life, pain, failure. How hard was their upbringing, what are their frustrations, their pains, their inner demons, tbh i didn't know it. How their relationship affected you, that's that, but now you must know that you need to take control, 'cause you're young and time flies and they will not save you. As another poster stated, Forgive them, pray and let all grudge go away. You say you don't hold anything against them, but the way you express about them says otherwise. Lastly, I hated school, trust me I know what a Getto latino school looks like. But school is gone, i'm not longer there. It's over.
This is what you need to focus on after tweaking your mindset. Eat healthy, read about your medical condition, if it is not incapacitating you can treat it. I've also been troubled by disease. Specially one year of neurological problems that seemed to indicate ALS but thank GOD it wasn't. I now have Colon issues due to my diet. I changed it. Be logical and try to tackle your problems. One by one. If narcolepsy is a big problem, embrace it like a man. There must be ways to treat it. I also have something called geographical tongue, I thought I had cancer. One of my kidneys is weird so I had issues with infections on and off. Were they stressfull? Yes, Were they treateable? Yes. Ask yourself the same thing.
Do they sell fruits, vegetables and lean meats in Walmart? or do you buy the junk food because you're lazy and you don't want to commit to improving your eating habits. If you parents provide you with an apartment in the middle of nowhere, BE THANKFUL!, imagine being a homeless person, or having to provide for yourself. I'm thirty and I have never touched a Car, I can't afford a car, neither did my family. They are broke, I basically provide for mom and dad cause they are unemployed and we have 0 benefits from the government. About the ugliness, well, unless you're really short, have disfigurement and are balding I'd say it may be in you're head as a result of the whole depression. Even if you were, you could work on that as well!. I also thought I was the ugliest being alive, it turned out when I changed all of those things women were attracted to me. You'll get a girlfriend once you fix the other stuff and put the work.
Well, You've seen yourself in a deteriorating condition for the past 5-8 years, and you are fully aware of it, and yet have done nothing to stop it. Stop putting blame on others. You need to own your problems and FIGHT.
On the killing yourself thing, I know what it feels like, I used to visit a suicide support chat and also went to the shrink for around 5 years. But, are you really going to give up? Unless you have a really serious life-threatening condition as ALS or a really scary cancer, do you really think you have such a problem that justifies taking your own life? May not be a really orthodox thing to do but I suggest checking this story about this guy with Face cancer to see what a real problem is, I can imagine this guy saying he needs to end his own suffering. As for your case it seems to me all your problems have a solution, it won't be easy, but you can do it. Also, Thank GOD every day, and love your parents. Honor them. I can't think of anything else. Cheers dude.
Another thing that I think is important for a man, and especially a man who struggles with porn is to have goals. This is why it's good to get on an exercise programme.
Basically we become addicted to porn because it gives us a little boost of serotonin, so often we seek it out to make us feel better on a bad day (porn keeps us in this loop because the rush we get leads to a low that leads to seeking out the rush again).
If you are on some kind of exercise program you'll get that buzz from hitting a goal. I'd say get on some kind of exercise programme, that fits your lifestyle and temperament. It could be simple kettle bell workouts or body weight stuff if you don't wanna go to the gym. Be sure to use a program though so you have a defined set of goals rather than doing it aimlessly. You'll still feel good working out aimlessly but having goals will make you feel even better.
Also learn a skill, an instrument or something. Again for the same reason. Learning a song on the guitar or how to play a chord will give you a buzz.
Porn is a huge struggle if you aren't giving yourself any wholesome serotonin hits. If you're depressed and you don't do anything healthy and goal oriented you'll keep going back to porn sites to give yourself that hit.
Basically we become addicted to porn because it gives us a little boost of serotonin, so often we seek it out to make us feel better on a bad day (porn keeps us in this loop because the rush we get leads to a low that leads to seeking out the rush again).
If you are on some kind of exercise program you'll get that buzz from hitting a goal. I'd say get on some kind of exercise programme, that fits your lifestyle and temperament. It could be simple kettle bell workouts or body weight stuff if you don't wanna go to the gym. Be sure to use a program though so you have a defined set of goals rather than doing it aimlessly. You'll still feel good working out aimlessly but having goals will make you feel even better.
Also learn a skill, an instrument or something. Again for the same reason. Learning a song on the guitar or how to play a chord will give you a buzz.
Porn is a huge struggle if you aren't giving yourself any wholesome serotonin hits. If you're depressed and you don't do anything healthy and goal oriented you'll keep going back to porn sites to give yourself that hit.
Hi man,
Been there, done that.
Have you tried talking to a priest and taking Communion?