Sorry about not getting back to you, I received tons of mail and do not have time to correspond with everyone. I used to have some control over my addiction but now even when I endlessly pray and repent, etc. I cannot control myself. This has never happened before. A dark feeling overtakes my body and doesn't go away until I relapse. It also doesn't allow me to sleep at night and I repeat the Lord's prayer endlessly but then the urge overtakes me then after I relapse, I feel clarity and feel myself again. I suspect that this is indeed possession.
I would have rather done this privately, but given that you're swamped by emails, this is one way I can guarantee you'll see this.
I've been mentored in Deliverance by a Priest for the last two years, and have been graced with Charisms in this area. If you're serious about investigating this, I am willing to do so. Contact me privately, but I'll write a little more so you understand my background.
This isn't demonic possession. I can understand that you want it to be demonic possession because then it would provide you with a
Solution to the reason as to why you are struggling so hard with chastity, and you have to refuse the Solution the Devil is offering you to what you believe to be the problem.
Firstly, you have nothing to be frightened of. Jesus has already won the battle. The demons are annoying, sure, but you only have to stand up to them firmly in Jesus' name, and they will flee. They cry like little girls before Our King as they're sent back to Hell. If you cower before them, they will be vicious in their attacks. Remember:
if God is with you, who can stand against you?
This is why I'm saying you have to refuse Demons as a solution: you are giving them power to mess with you by ascribing power that they simply don't have.
The four most common causes of demonic entry I've experienced with the cases I've been involved with are these:
1. Direct involvement by the person in the Occult.
2. Generational spirits from familial involvement in the occult.
3. A curse being placed upon the person.
4. Psychological or spiritual wounds functioning as open doorways.
These possibilities can easily be investigated through both Spiritual Discernment and, in the case of #4, a ministry known as TPM to identify what the open doorways are, through the intervention of the Holy Spirit, transforming false beliefs you hold in your heart (not in your intellect) about yourself that were formed through your life experiences, so as to replace them with the Truth of Christ, which then closes those doorways.
Whilst your talk of suicide suggests a spirit of death already has entry, it can easily be renounced and cast out. Understand, suicide a a solution is a lie encouraged by the Devil who only comes to kill, to cheat, to maim and to destroy. If you're about to give yourself to him - forever - you really have nothing left to lose than to try not what already hasn't worked for you, but something different.
My gut sense here is we're dealing with #4. No matter how hard you try to avoid masturbation, it eventually becomes uncontrollable. This suggests what is known as a
Fear-Based Repressive Disorder or one of its two other variants. This is an
emotional disorder found in the Psyche, or Animal Soul, and the solution is a Spiritual one, but the solution is not what most people would encourage you to do.
This habit was formed as a coping mechanism from childhood due to an early exposure to pornography. It's getting worse because you're moving to Christ and what is known as an
erroneous cogitative judgment that was formed early in life associates sexual feelings with Fear of God and Eternal Punishment, so as you're trying to become holier, the fear increases. You respond by using the full force of your will to block out sexual desire, but, rather than using right reason and will together, you're trying to do this by sheer force of will alone. This doesn't work, and the method you've most likely chosen is to willfully repress sexual desire - you mention a long period of attempting No Fap.
You need to understand this method does not work. You should feel a natural and healthy attraction to sex: heterosexual union and the procreation and raising of children is one of the 1st Precepts of the Natural Law and one of the Objects of the Passions. Your chosen method crushes any sexual desire you feel down out of conscious thought but that desire continues subconsciously. This creates a constant tension in your body, and, eventually,
such repression always breaks down, leading to sexual acting out without that is happening without the choice of Free Will. This is why you say you feel 'possessed.'
This is why praying endlessly doesn't work, and fasting will only make your already dangerous health situation worse.
What you're looking for is not the sexual release, or the pornography, or a serotonin hit, but a relief from the psychic tension produced due to the war between the irascible and concupiscible appetites generated by constantly willfully-repressing sexual desire. It's utterly exhausting to do this, and has the kind of serious effects on your body and health that you're already seeing.
What you're about to do, and others have suggested you do, is to
double down on the willful-repression, where to the solution is to learn to apply right reason to feelings of sexual desire so as to mortify your fear of sex, and, eventually, be able to then make a free choice to be able to respect yourself and God. It takes time and work, but it's doable, particularly if you're young. Understand though, it will get worse before it gets better. You have to be tough and willing to stay the course.
I can show you you already think sex is evil:
I honestly do not want to bring children into this messed up world (1) and finding a non-degenerate wife (2) is virtually impossible (3), despite what some naive Christians may think (4). Even Roosh cannot seem to locate one. I think that all sex is a form of drug addiction (5) and so when I beat this addiction (6) I intend to remain celibate.
In your own statement you have already listed six erroneous cogitative judgments, that you believe in your heart are true, without knowing if they are the Truth as Christ sees it. These false beliefs are endemic in online tradcath / ortho and manosphere circles. If that's what you really believe, then
fantastic, stand by what you claim and let's work together. We'll present them gradually to the Holy Spirit, and you can receive the Truth of each belief from the Spirit. You have nothing left to lose.
This is what I am willing to offer you, at no charge:
1. Investigation into and Deliverance from the Demonic influences in your life
2. Catechesis into Repressive Disorders
3. A weekly Ministry session to let Christ transform your erroneous judgements that arose during childhood, (some of which might have been entirely-repressed by your conscious memory)
4. Backup from a Priest who is an expertise in these areas as has given me permission to engage in ministry
And in your own words here I can clearly identify what you (and so many others in this 'sponteneous spiritual revival' doing wrong:
Firstly though, I need to get right with God and fix all of the other issues plaguing my life that I mentioned in the OP.
No. You need to have the true humility to admit your utter weakness and give up control of your life
to God, rather than attempting to
save yourself through sheer force of will by subjecting yourself to the strictest regimes, the most complex theology and frowniest masses because you believe God is Super Serious Business and ready to destroy you for even a minor transgression. All that seems to result in is what I've seen charitably called Performative Spirituality, uncharitably called LARPing, but seems to have most in common with the Pharisee's Jesus railed against.
Let
Jesus be Jesus. He knows how to reorder your life better than you possibly can,
if you let go of trying to control it. And with that comes true freedom, abandonment to his will, and the effortless, true peace that Christ promises, despite whatever circumstances you find yourself in.
A friend (and his wife) I've worked with in this manner mentioned last night that 'outlasting the [australian] government on the vaxx wasn't that much of a trial, to be honest'.
My reply: 'People folded much quicker than they needed to, because I feel like I've barely been touched by the vaxx pressure at all.'
I keep forgetting we're supposedly in the middle of a pandemic and - apparently - some kind of NWO big brother situation because I trust in Jesus, and recognize the signs of the age to know what is coming is glorious.
There's the unique advice you were seeking. Message me privately in the next day or two if you want to try something different than what has repeatedly failed for you, as I won't continue using this site. If you choose to follow the path you're deciding on and find it doesn't work months down the road, Rob Banks can put you in touch with me via a Mutual Priest.
