Need life advice - very bad situation

JohnD777

Pigeon
Orthodox
Hello all, thank you for all of your prayers and support. Unfortunately, my addiction to pornography has reached rock bottom. I believe I am demon possessed.

Nevertheless, I have decided to return to the Orthodox Church, having been baptised as an infant in the Church and afterwards led astray by atheism, worldly doctrines, and heresy.

Starting today, I am beginning a prayer rule according to the Canons, attending a nearby Church regularly, fasting every Wednesday and Friday and am looking to purchase a cross and an icon of our Lord as well as a Bible.

I am looking for your help to overcome my porn addiction/ demonic possession. I will be going to a local Church today, but I don't know how to talk to the priest for he might be busy or its inconvenient because its a week day.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Hey,

I have been through similar situations (have posted about it on the forum in the past).

I think you need to be careful with assuming "demonic possession." Many people are demonically influenced, but possession refers to a specific (and rare) situation where the demons are in full control of you (like the man Jesus and the apostled encounter in the Gospels).

Aside from that, I DM'ed you last week when you posted your thread, but I never heard back. (That's OK. Not everyone is comfortable talking about this kind of stuff online with people they don't know).

I am glad to hear you are going back to church.

I recommend you try and find other people of faith to spend time with and (ideally) who you can talk to about these issues. Just going to church every Sunday might not end up being enough.

That's just my two cents.

God bless.
 

JohnD777

Pigeon
Orthodox
Hey,

I have been through similar situations (have posted about it on the forum in the past).

I think you need to be careful with assuming "demonic possession." Many people are demonically influenced, but possession refers to a specific (and rare) situation where the demons are in full control of you (like the man Jesus and the apostled encounter in the Gospels).

Aside from that, I DM'ed you last week when you posted your thread, but I never heard back. (That's OK. Not everyone is comfortable talking about this kind of stuff online with people they don't know).

I am glad to hear you are going back to church.

I recommend you try and find other people of faith to spend time with and (ideally) who you can talk to about these issues. Just going to church every Sunday might not end up being enough.

That's just my two cents.

God bless.
Sorry about not getting back to you, I received tons of mail and do not have time to correspond with everyone. I used to have some control over my addiction but now even when I endlessly pray and repent, etc. I cannot control myself. This has never happened before. A dark feeling overtakes my body and doesn't go away until I relapse. It also doesn't allow me to sleep at night and I repeat the Lord's prayer endlessly but then the urge overtakes me then after I relapse, I feel clarity and feel myself again. I suspect that this is indeed possession.
 

Peptalk

Sparrow
Orthodox Inquirer
What I did for porn addiction was install Covenant Eyes on my laptop by creating an account using a proton mail account. I used the same password for the Covenant eyes and Proton mail accounts, then once everything was setup, sent the password to a family member so I have no way to uninstall the software. If you watch on your phone, you can do something similar. Combine this with a 5min cold/freezing shower everyday, it will help. At least it did for me. You can add on top of the the sofrware ColdTurkey to create scheduled blocks of triggering websites
 

JohnD777

Pigeon
Orthodox
What I did for porn addiction was install Covenant Eyes on my laptop by creating an account using a proton mail account. I used the same password for the Covenant eyes and Proton mail accounts, then once everything was setup, sent the password to a family member so I have no way to uninstall the software. If you watch on your phone, you can do something similar. Combine this with a 5min cold/freezing shower everyday, it will help. At least it did for me. You can add on top of the the sofrware ColdTurkey to create scheduled blocks of triggering websites
I have done this and more, the problem is that I am always in need of a smartphone and I can easily bypass these restrictions. I think that the root cause of my issues is spiritual and no amount of worldly measures (although they can help) will save me from this. The solution is to return to the Church, although every time I attempt to get closer to the Church, I am overtaken by boredom and the overwhelming urge to quit. I have tried in the past to rejoin the Church but have not been able to do so spiritually. I think it might be time now because I am truly in a life and death situation.
 

Lawrence87

Kingfisher
Orthodox
With porn addiction you are addicted to the serotonin rush that you get from it.

It's not going to be completely fool proof but you should look for ways to get a similar buzz that is not pornography.

Learning a skill will give you a buzz every time you increase your abilities. So learning to play an instrument or something similar will help.

Exercise will also help. Particularly an exercise program. A program will give you goals to strive for to add to the buzz that working out already gives.

Basically anything productive and goal oriented will help a lot.

It's when you have a lot of idle time and you aren't feeling particularly great that the buzz of porn will become more enticing. That isn't to say the above will be a complete fix but it will help a lot.
 

Rob Banks

Pelican
Sorry about not getting back to you, I received tons of mail and do not have time to correspond with everyone. I used to have some control over my addiction but now even when I endlessly pray and repent, etc. I cannot control myself. This has never happened before. A dark feeling overtakes my body and doesn't go away until I relapse. It also doesn't allow me to sleep at night and I repeat the Lord's prayer endlessly but then the urge overtakes me then after I relapse, I feel clarity and feel myself again. I suspect that this is indeed possession.
OK.

Well, I am happy to share my own experiences on this, as it is something I too have struggled with (and recently mostly overcome). But you'll have to DM me because I prefer not to talk about that publicly on the forum.

If not, no problem.

Glad to hear you are looking for a good church. God bless.
 

Liviu

Robin
Orthodox
Hello, John. I don`t know if you understood but you could easily win some extra money and also improve your mood just by aplying to italki.com for community tutor level. Living in a Commonwealth country is a big advantage for teaching English. At the beginning, you could just talk. You can take a certificate online after that and pass to professional level. I took it Lovetefl from England and I teach as a professional teacher.You can establish your own schedule and italki shows to anyone the time of that person`s timezone. Your establish the rates, for example from 10 USD/hour at the beginning. Italki takes only 15% as a comission so in that case you take 8,50 USD for such a rate/hour. Having more students , you can raise the rate, winning more and more. Later, you can complete a profile on verbling.com , cause there they ask some experience.And you could raise your rates further having more competition for your time. Teaching in italki made me friends in both Russia and US. You could do it as an extra (part time) job. I am here for any questions. It`s worth to try !
 

LoveofChristCompelsUs

Chicken
Catholic
Sorry about not getting back to you, I received tons of mail and do not have time to correspond with everyone. I used to have some control over my addiction but now even when I endlessly pray and repent, etc. I cannot control myself. This has never happened before. A dark feeling overtakes my body and doesn't go away until I relapse. It also doesn't allow me to sleep at night and I repeat the Lord's prayer endlessly but then the urge overtakes me then after I relapse, I feel clarity and feel myself again. I suspect that this is indeed possession.

I would have rather done this privately, but given that you're swamped by emails, this is one way I can guarantee you'll see this.

I've been mentored in Deliverance by a Priest for the last two years, and have been graced with Charisms in this area. If you're serious about investigating this, I am willing to do so. Contact me privately, but I'll write a little more so you understand my background.

This isn't demonic possession. I can understand that you want it to be demonic possession because then it would provide you with a Solution to the reason as to why you are struggling so hard with chastity, and you have to refuse the Solution the Devil is offering you to what you believe to be the problem.

Firstly, you have nothing to be frightened of. Jesus has already won the battle. The demons are annoying, sure, but you only have to stand up to them firmly in Jesus' name, and they will flee. They cry like little girls before Our King as they're sent back to Hell. If you cower before them, they will be vicious in their attacks. Remember: if God is with you, who can stand against you?

This is why I'm saying you have to refuse Demons as a solution: you are giving them power to mess with you by ascribing power that they simply don't have.

The four most common causes of demonic entry I've experienced with the cases I've been involved with are these:

1. Direct involvement by the person in the Occult.
2. Generational spirits from familial involvement in the occult.
3. A curse being placed upon the person.
4. Psychological or spiritual wounds functioning as open doorways.

These possibilities can easily be investigated through both Spiritual Discernment and, in the case of #4, a ministry known as TPM to identify what the open doorways are, through the intervention of the Holy Spirit, transforming false beliefs you hold in your heart (not in your intellect) about yourself that were formed through your life experiences, so as to replace them with the Truth of Christ, which then closes those doorways.

Whilst your talk of suicide suggests a spirit of death already has entry, it can easily be renounced and cast out. Understand, suicide a a solution is a lie encouraged by the Devil who only comes to kill, to cheat, to maim and to destroy. If you're about to give yourself to him - forever - you really have nothing left to lose than to try not what already hasn't worked for you, but something different.

My gut sense here is we're dealing with #4. No matter how hard you try to avoid masturbation, it eventually becomes uncontrollable. This suggests what is known as a Fear-Based Repressive Disorder or one of its two other variants. This is an emotional disorder found in the Psyche, or Animal Soul, and the solution is a Spiritual one, but the solution is not what most people would encourage you to do.

This habit was formed as a coping mechanism from childhood due to an early exposure to pornography. It's getting worse because you're moving to Christ and what is known as an erroneous cogitative judgment that was formed early in life associates sexual feelings with Fear of God and Eternal Punishment, so as you're trying to become holier, the fear increases. You respond by using the full force of your will to block out sexual desire, but, rather than using right reason and will together, you're trying to do this by sheer force of will alone. This doesn't work, and the method you've most likely chosen is to willfully repress sexual desire - you mention a long period of attempting No Fap.

You need to understand this method does not work. You should feel a natural and healthy attraction to sex: heterosexual union and the procreation and raising of children is one of the 1st Precepts of the Natural Law and one of the Objects of the Passions. Your chosen method crushes any sexual desire you feel down out of conscious thought but that desire continues subconsciously. This creates a constant tension in your body, and, eventually, such repression always breaks down, leading to sexual acting out without that is happening without the choice of Free Will. This is why you say you feel 'possessed.'

This is why praying endlessly doesn't work, and fasting will only make your already dangerous health situation worse. What you're looking for is not the sexual release, or the pornography, or a serotonin hit, but a relief from the psychic tension produced due to the war between the irascible and concupiscible appetites generated by constantly willfully-repressing sexual desire. It's utterly exhausting to do this, and has the kind of serious effects on your body and health that you're already seeing.

What you're about to do, and others have suggested you do, is to double down on the willful-repression, where to the solution is to learn to apply right reason to feelings of sexual desire so as to mortify your fear of sex, and, eventually, be able to then make a free choice to be able to respect yourself and God. It takes time and work, but it's doable, particularly if you're young. Understand though, it will get worse before it gets better. You have to be tough and willing to stay the course.

I can show you you already think sex is evil:

I honestly do not want to bring children into this messed up world (1) and finding a non-degenerate wife (2) is virtually impossible (3), despite what some naive Christians may think (4). Even Roosh cannot seem to locate one. I think that all sex is a form of drug addiction (5) and so when I beat this addiction (6) I intend to remain celibate.

In your own statement you have already listed six erroneous cogitative judgments, that you believe in your heart are true, without knowing if they are the Truth as Christ sees it. These false beliefs are endemic in online tradcath / ortho and manosphere circles. If that's what you really believe, then fantastic, stand by what you claim and let's work together. We'll present them gradually to the Holy Spirit, and you can receive the Truth of each belief from the Spirit. You have nothing left to lose.

This is what I am willing to offer you, at no charge:

1. Investigation into and Deliverance from the Demonic influences in your life
2. Catechesis into Repressive Disorders
3. A weekly Ministry session to let Christ transform your erroneous judgements that arose during childhood, (some of which might have been entirely-repressed by your conscious memory)
4. Backup from a Priest who is an expertise in these areas as has given me permission to engage in ministry

And in your own words here I can clearly identify what you (and so many others in this 'sponteneous spiritual revival' doing wrong:

Firstly though, I need to get right with God and fix all of the other issues plaguing my life that I mentioned in the OP.

No. You need to have the true humility to admit your utter weakness and give up control of your life to God, rather than attempting to save yourself through sheer force of will by subjecting yourself to the strictest regimes, the most complex theology and frowniest masses because you believe God is Super Serious Business and ready to destroy you for even a minor transgression. All that seems to result in is what I've seen charitably called Performative Spirituality, uncharitably called LARPing, but seems to have most in common with the Pharisee's Jesus railed against.

Let Jesus be Jesus. He knows how to reorder your life better than you possibly can, if you let go of trying to control it. And with that comes true freedom, abandonment to his will, and the effortless, true peace that Christ promises, despite whatever circumstances you find yourself in.

A friend (and his wife) I've worked with in this manner mentioned last night that 'outlasting the [australian] government on the vaxx wasn't that much of a trial, to be honest'.

My reply: 'People folded much quicker than they needed to, because I feel like I've barely been touched by the vaxx pressure at all.'

I keep forgetting we're supposedly in the middle of a pandemic and - apparently - some kind of NWO big brother situation because I trust in Jesus, and recognize the signs of the age to know what is coming is glorious.

There's the unique advice you were seeking. Message me privately in the next day or two if you want to try something different than what has repeatedly failed for you, as I won't continue using this site. If you choose to follow the path you're deciding on and find it doesn't work months down the road, Rob Banks can put you in touch with me via a Mutual Priest.
 

JohnD777

Pigeon
Orthodox
I would have rather done this privately, but given that you're swamped by emails, this is one way I can guarantee you'll see this.

I've been mentored in Deliverance by a Priest for the last two years, and have been graced with Charisms in this area. If you're serious about investigating this, I am willing to do so. Contact me privately, but I'll write a little more so you understand my background.

This isn't demonic possession. I can understand that you want it to be demonic possession because then it would provide you with a Solution to the reason as to why you are struggling so hard with chastity, and you have to refuse the Solution the Devil is offering you to what you believe to be the problem.

Firstly, you have nothing to be frightened of. Jesus has already won the battle. The demons are annoying, sure, but you only have to stand up to them firmly in Jesus' name, and they will flee. They cry like little girls before Our King as they're sent back to Hell. If you cower before them, they will be vicious in their attacks. Remember: if God is with you, who can stand against you?

This is why I'm saying you have to refuse Demons as a solution: you are giving them power to mess with you by ascribing power that they simply don't have.

The four most common causes of demonic entry I've experienced with the cases I've been involved with are these:

1. Direct involvement by the person in the Occult.
2. Generational spirits from familial involvement in the occult.
3. A curse being placed upon the person.
4. Psychological or spiritual wounds functioning as open doorways.

These possibilities can easily be investigated through both Spiritual Discernment and, in the case of #4, a ministry known as TPM to identify what the open doorways are, through the intervention of the Holy Spirit, transforming false beliefs you hold in your heart (not in your intellect) about yourself that were formed through your life experiences, so as to replace them with the Truth of Christ, which then closes those doorways.

Whilst your talk of suicide suggests a spirit of death already has entry, it can easily be renounced and cast out. Understand, suicide a a solution is a lie encouraged by the Devil who only comes to kill, to cheat, to maim and to destroy. If you're about to give yourself to him - forever - you really have nothing left to lose than to try not what already hasn't worked for you, but something different.

My gut sense here is we're dealing with #4. No matter how hard you try to avoid masturbation, it eventually becomes uncontrollable. This suggests what is known as a Fear-Based Repressive Disorder or one of its two other variants. This is an emotional disorder found in the Psyche, or Animal Soul, and the solution is a Spiritual one, but the solution is not what most people would encourage you to do.

This habit was formed as a coping mechanism from childhood due to an early exposure to pornography. It's getting worse because you're moving to Christ and what is known as an erroneous cogitative judgment that was formed early in life associates sexual feelings with Fear of God and Eternal Punishment, so as you're trying to become holier, the fear increases. You respond by using the full force of your will to block out sexual desire, but, rather than using right reason and will together, you're trying to do this by sheer force of will alone. This doesn't work, and the method you've most likely chosen is to willfully repress sexual desire - you mention a long period of attempting No Fap.

You need to understand this method does not work. You should feel a natural and healthy attraction to sex: heterosexual union and the procreation and raising of children is one of the 1st Precepts of the Natural Law and one of the Objects of the Passions. Your chosen method crushes any sexual desire you feel down out of conscious thought but that desire continues subconsciously. This creates a constant tension in your body, and, eventually, such repression always breaks down, leading to sexual acting out without that is happening without the choice of Free Will. This is why you say you feel 'possessed.'

This is why praying endlessly doesn't work, and fasting will only make your already dangerous health situation worse. What you're looking for is not the sexual release, or the pornography, or a serotonin hit, but a relief from the psychic tension produced due to the war between the irascible and concupiscible appetites generated by constantly willfully-repressing sexual desire. It's utterly exhausting to do this, and has the kind of serious effects on your body and health that you're already seeing.

What you're about to do, and others have suggested you do, is to double down on the willful-repression, where to the solution is to learn to apply right reason to feelings of sexual desire so as to mortify your fear of sex, and, eventually, be able to then make a free choice to be able to respect yourself and God. It takes time and work, but it's doable, particularly if you're young. Understand though, it will get worse before it gets better. You have to be tough and willing to stay the course.

I can show you you already think sex is evil:

I honestly do not want to bring children into this messed up world (1) and finding a non-degenerate wife (2) is virtually impossible (3), despite what some naive Christians may think (4). Even Roosh cannot seem to locate one. I think that all sex is a form of drug addiction (5) and so when I beat this addiction (6) I intend to remain celibate.

In your own statement you have already listed six erroneous cogitative judgments, that you believe in your heart are true, without knowing if they are the Truth as Christ sees it. These false beliefs are endemic in online tradcath / ortho and manosphere circles. If that's what you really believe, then fantastic, stand by what you claim and let's work together. We'll present them gradually to the Holy Spirit, and you can receive the Truth of each belief from the Spirit. You have nothing left to lose.

This is what I am willing to offer you, at no charge:

1. Investigation into and Deliverance from the Demonic influences in your life
2. Catechesis into Repressive Disorders
3. A weekly Ministry session to let Christ transform your erroneous judgements that arose during childhood, (some of which might have been entirely-repressed by your conscious memory)
4. Backup from a Priest who is an expertise in these areas as has given me permission to engage in ministry

And in your own words here I can clearly identify what you (and so many others in this 'sponteneous spiritual revival' doing wrong:

Firstly though, I need to get right with God and fix all of the other issues plaguing my life that I mentioned in the OP.

No. You need to have the true humility to admit your utter weakness and give up control of your life to God, rather than attempting to save yourself through sheer force of will by subjecting yourself to the strictest regimes, the most complex theology and frowniest masses because you believe God is Super Serious Business and ready to destroy you for even a minor transgression. All that seems to result in is what I've seen charitably called Performative Spirituality, uncharitably called LARPing, but seems to have most in common with the Pharisee's Jesus railed against.

Let Jesus be Jesus. He knows how to reorder your life better than you possibly can, if you let go of trying to control it. And with that comes true freedom, abandonment to his will, and the effortless, true peace that Christ promises, despite whatever circumstances you find yourself in.

A friend (and his wife) I've worked with in this manner mentioned last night that 'outlasting the [australian] government on the vaxx wasn't that much of a trial, to be honest'.

My reply: 'People folded much quicker than they needed to, because I feel like I've barely been touched by the vaxx pressure at all.'

I keep forgetting we're supposedly in the middle of a pandemic and - apparently - some kind of NWO big brother situation because I trust in Jesus, and recognize the signs of the age to know what is coming is glorious.

There's the unique advice you were seeking. Message me privately in the next day or two if you want to try something different than what has repeatedly failed for you, as I won't continue using this site. If you choose to follow the path you're deciding on and find it doesn't work months down the road, Rob Banks can put you in touch with me via a Mutual Priest.
Definitely interesting information and assessment. Unfortunately, I cannot message you for some reason. Perhaps because we are both new users. Can you message me at [email protected]?
 

clzoomer

Sparrow
Orthodox Catechumen
Tell your priest about your depression, your suicidal thoughts, your addictions, how you feel about God, everything. If you don't have a priest you talk to regularly, then FIND one. These are all problems that spiritual leaders are specifically here for. Just don't kill yourself: that's what Satan wants you to do so he can drag you down to hell. Your anxieties and insecurities, depression, addictions, the actions of your parents... they all stem from him.
Everyone who sees this message will pray for you.
 

Eusebius Erasmus

Ostrich
Orthodox
I have done this and more, the problem is that I am always in need of a smartphone and I can easily bypass these restrictions. I think that the root cause of my issues is spiritual and no amount of worldly measures (although they can help) will save me from this. The solution is to return to the Church, although every time I attempt to get closer to the Church, I am overtaken by boredom and the overwhelming urge to quit. I have tried in the past to rejoin the Church but have not been able to do so spiritually. I think it might be time now because I am truly in a life and death situation.

I don’t recommend gimmicks like Covenant Eyes. It’s a secular method to deal with a spiritual problem, and the program probably gathers data on you.

Just find a good spiritual father to help with your porn addiction.
 

paternos

Robin
Catholic
Hi man,

Good morning. I think all these reactions here show how much we all relate to you.

What if God wants you exactly where you are now? I What if he was all the time with you? Can you see he is next to you. Right now.

I have been praying to God since about the time when I realized what porn is doing to my brain. I have been praying every morning, day, and evening for a long time now, but God has never helped me once over the last 5 years. Attending Church does not help either. It doesn't matter how much faith I have, when the urge strikes, nothing can stop me from relapsing.

How do you see God? That he can take away the devil? Is he a fairy tale figure that gives presents? That he takes away you ability to sin? What does he tell?

When I read these lines by you. I read the desperation that Job felt. (read the full book)

JOB 30
20 I cry to you for help and you do not answer me; I stand, and you only look at me.
21 You have turned cruel to me; with the might of your hand you persecute me.
22 You lift me up on the wind; you make me ride on it,and you toss me about in the roar of the storm.
23 For I know that you will bring me to death and to the house appointed for all living.
24 “Yet does not one in a heap of ruins stretch out his hand, and in his disaster cry for help?d
25 Did not I weep for him whose day was hard? Was not my soul grieved for the needy?
26 But when I hoped for good, evil came, and when I waited for light, darkness came.
27 My inward parts are in turmoil and never still; days of affliction come to meet me.
28 I go about darkened, but not by the sun; I stand up in the assembly and cry for help.
29 I am a brother of jackals and a companion of ostriches.
30 My skin turns black and falls from me, and my bones burn with heat.
31 My lyre is turned to mourning, and my pipe to the voice of those who weep.

But God was clear

JOB 38
1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
2 “Who is this who obscures My counsel by words without knowledge?
3 Now brace yourself like a man;I will question you, and you shall inform Me.
4 Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding.
5 Who fixed its measurements? Surely you know! Or who stretched a measuring line across it?

In my personal experience I can say that when in desperation. I do something wrong. I have broken the order of things.

Many things have been taught to us by dark voices. And the easy accesibility to evil is a challenge in our time.

They told you you have "an addiction to porn" that you can't help yourself.

The bible doesn't speak about addiction, but it speaks of sin. What if you have been sinning to God all the time and that God has been calling you. As you wrote, when you started sinning, God called you, pray to me. Come back.

If I can share 1 thing from my experience, go to confession. And confess your sins.

Don' have faith in the world, don't expect the world to give you more, have faith in God.

You're being tested and he is with you.
 
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Hannibal

Ostrich
Catholic
Gold Member
Grass fed beef is largely marketing. All beef is grass fed, it just happens that some is grain finished. The grain finished variety is fattier, which you need if fat is your primary source of fuel. Grassfed beef is no miracle cure, you get similar results with the cheap 80 20 at walmart.

Glyphosate is a problem, but not a very big problem. At the very least, we do not have the data to support that it is a big problem for humans yet. It could be the next "smoking causes cancer" moment for us if the science is ever actually studied. Just go carnivore if you're that worried about it.

Find any employment and get yourself an alexapure gravity fed water filter, that will take out all the nasty stuff they put in the tap water.

Increase your salt intake and consume as close to zero fiber as possible. Fiber destroys your intestines. Give up caffeine and any other stimulants and mind altering drugs. Caffeine especially inhibits absorption of nutrients.

Get a copy of Armour of War as that is a decent bodyweight training manual for those with zero equipment and no access to the gym. You should be able to find a pdf copy on the internet for free and it has real progressions that actually work unlike some of convict conditioning. Gyms help but they are not a requirement, although it is significantly harder to build leg strength outside of a gym. Upperbodywise, bodyweight workouts are fine.

At some point try to gain a bunch of weight so you can do an extended fast for your intestinal health. I realize that may be difficult for you now but somewhere down the line it should be done.

I realize that my advice is secular but the spiritual advice given in this thread eclipses anything I could add.
 

BURNΞR

Ostrich
Agnostic
I'm 23 years old and am a complete loser and on the verge of suicide. I was born in a former Soviet country and at about 6 years of age I was taken to Canada by my immigrant parents and as a result I have citizenship here. I am also currently stuck here because I am unvaccinated. I am a single child. My parents were entirely secular and although they stayed together and did not divorce, they did not raise me at all but basically just threw me into the public school system where I degenerated. My parents are toxic people who only care about themselves and are completely miserable. Because of my father's careerism, I was forced to switch schools and cities around 7 times, so I was made a complete rootless cosmopolitan with no friends. Some of the schools were ghetto, and I really hate those times. In fact, I cannot remember a single happy moment from my childhood or earlier life. I don't have any resentment or anger towards my parents, but they were not competent enough to be raising kids and should not have had me.

Since I was a single child and all of my relatives live overseas and we were constantly on the move across the country, the only people that I have any significant relationship with are my parents, who are very distant and live far away. They are also radically pro-vax. I was always unhealthy, because my parents fed me junk food in huge amounts growing up and made me get massive amounts of vaccines (including the annual flu vaccines), after which I would always get terribly sick. I am visibly unhealthy and I have narcolepsy. I am trying to treat all of my health problems but it is very hard without decent cash.

I finished the full 12 grade retarded Canadian "education" system with a 4.0 GPA, even though I exerted zero effort. I went to several Universities over a couple of years but higher education never interested me in the slightest and I couldn't finish it (part of the reason was because my mental faculties declined after I developed narcolepsy, but it also had to do with the fact that University has become insufferable now with all the wokeness), so I dropped out. I worked some dead end jobs but quit and have been a NEET ever since. My parents have provided me with an apartment in the middle of nowhere in Canada where I currently live and eat the cheapest junk available at Walmart because of no money. I never had a car, and was never taught to drive, nor do I have a licence. I have never had a girlfriend and am a virgin, moreover - my health conditions have made me ugly with grey hair, huge black bags under my eyes, extremely skinny, etc.

But my main problem is my masturbation and pornography addictions, starting from age 14. For 5 years I have tried to beat this addiction but cannot do it for the life of me. My reality is simply too depressing and I need some kind of drug to cope. I know for a fact that if I were stupid enough to get into alcohol or hard drugs as a teen, then I would be addicted to that as well. I feel that my addiction to lust is a coping mechanism for this dull reality that I live in. My porn addiction is really bad, and if I could choose one thing that I want out of this life, I would choose to overcome my lust forever.

I have been praying to God since about the time when I realized what porn is doing to my brain. I have been praying every morning, day, and evening for a long time now, but God has never helped me once over the last 5 years. Attending Church does not help either. It doesn't matter how much faith I have, when the urge strikes, nothing can stop me from relapsing.

My life is horrible and I don't see a point in continuing. I've told my story to multiple people and they say the obvious advice like "dude, just get a job, dude, just get an education, dude, just get a haircut, etc.". But I have really ran out of options at this point. It is quite appalling that my parents have witnessed my deteriorating condition for the last 5-8 years and don't care in the slightest. They are simply busy working and consuming product.

At this point, I have reached the end of the road with no real hope for the future. And the ongoing coronavirus and wokeness idiocy gives me no hope for society either. I'm seriously considering killing myself just to end this suffering.

I'm writing this to you in hope that you might have some unique advice to offer me. Maybe not, but it's still worth a shot.

Without going to much detail I will say I also grew up in Canada and I have you beat. It's not a competition but yeah I just wanted to point out that your story is actually not that uncommon. Every other man in Canada obsessively looks at porn, looks like garbage, and has done nothing impressive in the entire scope of their life and they are worse off because they are not in their 20's like you. Half of Millennials and zoomers live with their parents in North America after university/college, work in some dead end job. Studies are increasingly showing trends in incel-dom in Zoomers. You are not special.

I find this demonic possession thing absurd but you might feel reassured if you actually spoke to a Christian spiritual leader that could tell you this. I've had high anxiety my entire life and had to see the doctor a lot because I thought I had cancer or other serious problems.

I only STARTED to turn my life around 26-27 and I did it by leaving Canada. I wouldn't blame parents too much, they are doing their best and in Canada this tends to go unrewarded. This place is like a meatgrinder for immigrants. Hopeful people are persuaded to come here and get dejected when they realized there is no opportunity.

I think you've done the right thing by coming here for advice instead of soyful places like Reddit. And in my opinion your situation is not that difficult to turn around. My only practical piece of advice for now is to sit down everyday with a notepad and write down 1. what your concerns are and 2. your thoughts on how to turn this around. Do this for 10 minutes everyday. I can guarantee you will feel better if you can organize your thoughts like this and give yourself actionable advice that can change your life.
 
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Durden347

Robin
Other Christian
Try to cut down on porn, eat better, drink more water, exercise, find a new hobby, and start with a part time job. I also suggest trying to get that driver's license. You need to start being an adult rather than a child. Sitting in the screen looking at naked people while stuffing yourself with junk food isn't going to do you any good especially if you do it too much. Try to be more healthy. Start with some walks outside the house, eating right and doing some body weight exercises. That is what I would start with. You need to get out of the apartment and get sunlight. It actually makes difference.
 

skullmask

Woodpecker
Protestant
I would have to say that @LoveofChristCompelsUs gives some good advice and I recommend following it. I really can't add much to it other than I will pray for you overcoming your troubles. I thought of suicide seriously once many years ago, but decided not to and I am glad I chose to live. I wasn't a Christian at the time but how I got over it was, I thought about how it would make my parents sad if I did it, and it was enough to stop me. You're gonna die soon enough just from old age, why rush things and cause others to suffer needlessly? My situation improved and there's no reason your's wouldn't improve too. I mean you're 23 years old.

As a personal example for the power that God gives us, I occasionally suffer from sleep paralysis. I will wake up, but my body is still asleep. I also feel like there's someone in the room with me. It's pretty terrifying. Before I was saved, I would struggle to force myself to open my eyes and wake up, but always fail. I could never will myself to fully wake up. But then one night when I was suffering from this and struggled to wake up I remembered that I'm with Jesus now. So I stopped struggling and called upon God, asking him to please wake me up. I didn't even finish my sentence and was immediately awake. The main thing was, I stopped trying to overcome this problem through my own power and put things fully in the hands of God. I think that was what @LoveofChristCompelsUs was talking about regarding your method of prayer. I think that the pitfall of constant prayer is that it can become more of an effort thing. It's like the idea that if you just pray harder then the situation will improve. But the paradox of that is that's just another form of relying on your own strength rather than the strength of God.

God made us to do productive work. When we are idle is when Satan gets to work. Try to find things to do that are productive with your time. Get away from the computer if it's leading you to sin. There's nothing wrong with sexual desire per se, God himself commanded us to be fruitful and multiply immediately after creating us in Genesis 1. The problem is as a society we have twisted the normal sexual desire that God gave us to something we do only for our own pleasure rather than for the purpose that God originally intended.

It sucks that Canada is such a mess right now. But since you did your OP we've had the freedom truckers lay siege to Ottowa and already the provinces are starting to back down. Stay faithful and don't give up. As far as things to do one thing I'd recommend is finding volunteer opportunities. Just find something to do that helps other people. Learn a skill and use it to help others. Finding a fun hobby is good too. Me personally I've been getting much more serious about archery lately. I like to build my own arrows and have the fletching jig and tools to build and repair them. At the archery club I'm the guy that people go to when they need an arrow fixed or if they need a new batch made up. I also have tools for adjusting nock rings and checking things like brace height, etc. Try to become the person that people go to when they need help with something. The more you do that the less you will be that person who sits in front of the PC all day looking at smut and feeling ashamed of himself.
 
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