Recently divorced friend getting back into dating

lunchmoney

Woodpecker
A guy I went to college with recently reached out, and shared how difficult the past 7 months have been for him. His job was eliminated at his employer due to Covid in April, and his wife filed for divorce after 6 years of marriage in June. Everything finalized in August, and he moved to the Charlotte, NC area to start a new life and new job in October.

He mentioned during this transition his self confidence has taken a couple hits due to the experiences of the year, however he wants to get out in the dating game. He asked for tips on how to navigate dating as he hasn't been a single man in over eight years (dated his ex for two years before the marriage)

Any tips or advice you would share?

Data points/summary:

35 and he admits is out of shape, put on 10 lbs this year of fat
Only debt is his truck payment 35K
He lives in Charlotte, NC
Renting an apartment near the downtown area
Good salary working remote 2 days a week
 

Speculation

Kingfisher
The below may be influenced by your local Covid-19 restrictions:
  • Get him to the gym ASAP. He doesn't need to get jacked, just lose the extra pounds and have a bit of tone.
  • Make sure he has some reasonably new cloths that fit after he's lost the weight. Just make sure he isn't slovenly.
  • If he wants to ease into things, go to a singles Meetup, but be prepared for a sausage fest. It doesn't matter because the main objective is to get comfortable talking to strange women. Other Meetups such as for hiking groups can also be a good way of meeting women purely for conversation.
  • Once he's comfortable with talking to strange single women, he can try other things such as speed dating, or chatting to women as he goes about his business.
  • I would not recommend the apps unless your friend is in the top 10% of looks as it can be soul destroying. Even hardened players have to take breaks from the apps due to their destructive nature.
 
Definitely focus on getting in shape and nice clothes. Make sure he protects his muscle while losing weight. Sometimes, people lose pounds but some of it is muscle. Muscle is hard to gain and a shame to lose. Make sure he is eating enough protein.
 

ginsu

Woodpecker
This probably leads you to looking in church communities and networking in social circles. Avoid cities and dating apps ( in the west ). Harder to find in america, easier to find in other countries if that is an option for him. Personally i wouldn't bother looking for it in the west if hes 35. If you are early 20's there are more years to ''get lucky''. But over 35 you have to be more conscious of where and how you spend your time/efforts.
 

Hell_Is_Like_Newark

Kingfisher
Gold Member
Only thing I know regards to what he's looking for is the opposite of his ex,

A woman who is not married to her career
A woman who isn't into politics
A woman who wants to be a stay at home mom


If he can get himself into shape (diet and hitting the gym as other posters pointed out), take a trip to overseas. Countries like Thailand, being in your 30s and in shape puts you in the prime category for women in their mid to later 20s. I am not talking about dirt farmers daughters or bar girls. I was pleasantly surprised how attentive and how approachable women were that were attractive, educated, and free of Feminism the times I went there.

Yes.. I married one with my age at 34 (her 27).
 

RoadKill

Sparrow
If he's recently divorced, he's super vulnerable. If he's depressed, he will overwhelm the first woman he hooks up with and it will be a disaster. He needs to take at least a year working on himself. If his life isn't together now, it will be worse after he starts dating. I took two years to work through my hurts, angers and insecurities. I hit the gym 3 hours a day and got really muscular.

The day he wakes up single and not depressed any more is when he may be ready to date. I stopped taking communion for 2 years because I had pure rage in my heart. One day, I finally woke up and I wasn't angry anymore and I could breathe deeper and calmer. It was at that point I opened myself up to the possibility of dating.

If the woman becomes his sole source of happiness, he is giving her the authority to determine whether he's happy or sad. Nobody should be trusted or burdened with such things. He should have his living situation, job situation and physical fitness situation handled before considering dating. Women can't respect someone with low self-esteem. If a person does not love themselves, they are incapable of loving someone else.

Once he's got that in order, then he can focus on the criteria of choosing a woman to become familiar with. Women are always looking for someone to depend on emotionally. If he's got no emotional or financial stability, the relationship will die before it even gets started.

But what do I know...

RK
 
If he's recently divorced, he's super vulnerable. If he's depressed, he will overwhelm the first woman he hooks up with and it will be a disaster. He needs to take at least a year working on himself. If his life isn't together now, it will be worse after he starts dating. I took two years to work through my hurts, angers and insecurities. I hit the gym 3 hours a day and got really muscular.

The day he wakes up single and not depressed any more is when he may be ready to date. I stopped taking communion for 2 years because I had pure rage in my heart. One day, I finally woke up and I wasn't angry anymore and I could breathe deeper and calmer. It was at that point I opened myself up to the possibility of dating.

If the woman becomes his sole source of happiness, he is giving her the authority to determine whether he's happy or sad. Nobody should be trusted or burdened with such things. He should have his living situation, job situation and physical fitness situation handled before considering dating. Women can't respect someone with low self-esteem. If a person does not love themselves, they are incapable of loving someone else.

Once he's got that in order, then he can focus on the criteria of choosing a woman to become familiar with. Women are always looking for someone to depend on emotionally. If he's got no emotional or financial stability, the relationship will die before it even gets started.

But what do I know...

RK
Definitely agree. He has to be the leader. There was a woman, I dated and we got along well. My parents ask me why don’t I go back and try again. I told them that going back to beg her to be together again would make me the weaker party. The woman needs to be more into the man, than the man is in the woman.
 

SlickyBoy

Hummingbird
Data points/summary:

35 and he admits is out of shape, put on 10 lbs this year of fat
Only debt is his truck payment 35K
He lives in Charlotte, NC
Renting an apartment near the downtown area
Good salary working remote 2 days a week
Without knowing the guy, just shooting from the hip:

Unless it is for work (which sounds sporadic for him right now), why does he have a 35K debt on a truck? If he's one of these guys who buys a pickup truck with nothing to pick up, sell the damned thing and get a cheaper car.

You mentioned excess weight. He's probably drinking more than he should, and probably a lot of high alcohol "craft" beers, right? Needs to lose that habit and put down the IPAs - that shit is for numales anyway. Stick to lower alcohol beers if he must drink beer at all.

As far as dating in this modern cesspool, the women on the dating market are going to see him coming and set him up before he knows what hits him. He needs to take positive control rather than let things happen automatically - she moves in because easy sex, cheaper to share a place, etc. Otherwise he'll be right back where he started, out of habit. He wasn't interested in single moms, right? Good.

Generally, he needs to not make any big decisions in the next year and get his own life together. No engagements, no houses, nothing - just rebuild and re-assess.
 
Last edited:

Hypno

Crow
When I got separated there were so many things happening at one time it was overwhelming. Friends told me it would get better, and it did.

I knew I was at risk due to stress, depression, etc. so I made sure to eat right and exercise daily - just walking an hour - but it makes a big difference.

The other thing that helps is volunteering. It could be anything. Just volunteer somewhere. A number of things happen. People express gratitude to you. You meet new people. The deeper benefit is that you start to see things from another perspective. It helps you let go of the self and see your fellow humans. It really doesn't matter what you do, but do something consistent so you get these benefits. When I did community service in high school, I viewed it as charitable giving of my time. I didn't see the full benefit because there was no consistency. You have to do it for an extended period so you start to see things differently.

As an aside, Tucker Max wrote a book called Mate after his shenanigans books. He was mid-30s trying to find a wife. So he analyzed what for him would be a perfect wife, and then thought about where he would find her. He figured out it would be at a volunteer opportunity or a gym. He started volunteering at the local humane society, and he reported that he was seriously outnumbered by 20-something women, so much so that he was at risk of reverting back to his shenanigans ways. He ultimately found someone he viewed as quality, and got married, although I believe they divorced several years later.
 

Anomaly

Pigeon
A guy I went to college with recently reached out, and shared how difficult the past 7 months have been for him. His job was eliminated at his employer due to Covid in April, and his wife filed for divorce after 6 years of marriage in June. Everything finalized in August, and he moved to the Charlotte, NC area to start a new life and new job in October.

He mentioned during this transition his self confidence has taken a couple hits due to the experiences of the year, however he wants to get out in the dating game. He asked for tips on how to navigate dating as he hasn't been a single man in over eight years (dated his ex for two years before the marriage)

Any tips or advice you would share?

Data points/summary:

35 and he admits is out of shape, put on 10 lbs this year of fat
Only debt is his truck payment 35K
He lives in Charlotte, NC
Renting an apartment near the downtown area
Good salary working remote 2 days a week
How long has he been divorced?
 
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