Recovering from a breakup

[Augustus_Principe]

I understand what you saying. I agree with your point regarding relationship dynamics. Yes, it is healthy for the man to take the lead. But ultimately, like all rules, there is a time and a place for nuance.

In the case of an abortion, I would encourage you to look beyond your ideological view points and place yourself in the shoes of your hypothetical partner.

Someone who, regardless of which path she chooses, is going to go through a potentially life changing experience.

For them, it is not just mentally, but physically stressful as too.

Ultimately my views on abortion are not as strong as yours. I'm easy either way. But even if they were, I could not contemplate ending a relationship and leaving a women to go through an abortion on her own.

Unless your some sort of psychopath, I dont think you would either. Which is way I am sure you have not actually been through this situation because it's one thing to come with ultimative statements

As a Catholic, the decision would've been extremely simple for me. No abortion. I'm not trying to come off as some perfectly Pious person here, but having and practicing a set of Moral Standards makes "Hard" decisions like this much easier than you think. If you don't have "strong feelings" towards matters like this, perhaps it's time for you for some introspection?

The Irony of this all is that if you would've pressed her to keep the child, you two would most likely still be together. It has nothing to do with "being alpha". You can tell yourself the line about "well I did say that she COULD keep it if she wants and I would be there" to help yourself sleep at night,but at the end of the day, you had a 50%(less than that actually) say in the matter. You let her have the illusion of "choice" and Game 101 would've already let you know that if you give a woman the illusion of choice, they will take the path of least resistance. First mistake was giving her all the leverage in that decision, and you appearing as a mere supporter. You didn't even stake your 50% claim in the matter(rightfully it should've been your decision completely). You fell for the feminist trap of letting women have a choice, because hey, that's the "right thing to do" I dont know all the details of your relationship, but I would be willing to bet that this "decision" that she took was in her mind during the breakup. Women WANT a man to tell them when they're about to do something stupid, this was one of those times.

We're all victims of this secular hellhole of a culture we're in, which is why im not trying to come off too hard on you. You're a victim, like we all were at some point in time, but I'm trying to make you see a bigger issue here(your loose set of morals), and hopefully you have learned what not to do in your next relationship. I really do hope the best for you and that you move on from all of this someday and find the right girl for you. But first, you truly have to think about all the decisions and actions that you took in the past. We're all on a path to become better men, and while this will be a somber time for you, you will come out more wise.

 

[ThriceLazarus]

He’s right though, you can’t know what that situation is like until you experience it.

Personally I’m with Dave Chapelle on this. Whatever this wacky world decides there needs be consistency! “If she can kill’em I should be able to at least abandon’em!”

That’s for a different thread.

Now, regarding recovering from break-ups, I’ll attempt to put-away the purple prose and shore up some strategy:

- It would be a good idea to audit the entire experience and level it out. By that I mean, when I cut her out of my life I was howling with grief, raging, sobbing. So, for every slight, every injustice, I blunted that blade by reframing my perception to focus on what I had done wrong. How I controlled the situation to become that way. At first it was petty, “You knew she was a whore, that’s where you fucked up! You stupid fucking idiot!” Similarly so, when awash with waves of loss, of missing her in my bones, I would be dismissive, “She was just a whore, who cares, you can’t throw a stone in this horrible City of Devils without skipping it off three.”

It took about 3 months before things became softer, more subtle and nuanced. Then I could start to see all the ways I truly failed her, and her luster slowly began to fade. I could stand against the passing thought of her in work, or training, without dying then and there. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her, I still miss her, I still... Yet now I am wiser, kinder, more understanding, more honest, more blunt, more tactful, more assertive. As you level out your emotions (or lack there of, for catatonia and anhedonia are veils for deeper wounds) you will find a fullness in your heart to fill that void. This is how I learned the lessons I needed to, as Latan mentioned above. It is a good method, a Daoist method, a Buddhist method, this mental Judo. Ultimately, suffering is the result of attachment or aversion. So you must let go and dive in.

- With regards to training, and this has been mentioned above, find something and do it and give everything of yourself to it. In this time you must grow - yes, there is deadwood, and it will rot away, but without planting Good seeds within you there will only be muck and mire. What do I mean: of course, in His way, her and I parted ways just as I began to fulfill a childhood dream. To know Kung Fu. It was the holidays, those Holy Days are always hard for me, and this year was the worst. I could have lost myself in my cups, or hemp, or hydrocodone. Instead I trained for 8 hours a day - every minute my time was mine was devoted to something greater than me. So seek. Ask. It may be something you volunteer for, something you train for, something you create.

- Surrender. When the feelings come, feel them fully. Sink into them, only then can they wash over you. And when you turn your Eye to see it’s path there will be nothing, only You will remain. More poetry, but a good one.

There is another side to this coin. We are all straw dogs under Heaven - even the greatest of us burn up like effigies before Him. We all return to dust. Your Story is yours, yet your purpose was decided long ago, when this World was formed and all things were set in their place. What happened was ordained, a consequence of swirling photons settling into their places billions of years ago. Whatever is to come is already the past of some far distant future. So, starve your Ego and feed your Soul.

I do not believe that men cannot recover from a breakup - as a man who spent a decade studying the Multiverse and its language I am decidedly scientifically literate and know that the vast majority of research that comes from from the ‘soft-sciences’ (I literally thought to spit) well it’s all bullshit.

What I mean to say is, yes, if you try to remain who you are you will never recover. But Men are different from women - women are filled, men emanate. So die if you must, let every piece of you that is not Right fall away. And you will be a new man, a better man, than you ever were before.

 

[Sensei Creation]

Just a quick update I was out daygaming this Saturday and met someone. Called her up that evening, spent an hour on the phone and we went out for Sunday brunch the following day. I'm liking her a lot.

Not saying she's going to be my next LTR or anything like that but it did make me feel a bit better because I'm finding her little more attractive than my ex was, plus she's around my age and has a similar sense of humour. So that was cool. Felt good when I got home. Still miss my ex though

Augustus and wwft, I've seen your posts, I'll respond in a little bit.

 

[Winston Wolfe]

Yo,

I broke up with my LTR about a month ago. Since then I've been hitting the gym, hanging out with friends, trying new shit and doubling down at my job and gaming other girls. It's not helping. I still think about her all the time. Literally all the time.

I managed to bag a notch the other day but it didn't make me feel better. It just made me miss my ex even more. Out of sheer habit, I even accidentally called her by my ex's name whilst in bed with her lol.

Look, I'm not talking about a regular breakup here. I've had plenty of those and I usually just move on, no problem. But I really loved my ex. We were together for over 3 years, in my mind she was both my girl and my best friend and I was sure I was going to marry her at some point. Now that she's gone I feel lost and empty inside.

To those of you who know what i'm going through, what are some of the things that helped you get over this kind of heartbreak ?

I'm not going to go into your specific situation, as others are doing that already. In a way it doesn't even really matter, because what you are dealing with is heartbreak. This stuff is real.

Just know that it will get better, and the only way it will get better is time. No shortcuts.

Over time, this mental wound will turn into a scar - and much like a physical scar, at some point it won't hurt anymore but it will always remain part of you.

Don't ignore the fact that you currently feel hurt and lost and lonely and pessimistic and bitter. Go through it one day at a time, and embrace it.

Then one day, as you go to bed at night, you'll suddenly realize "hey, I haven't even thought of her today".

These things eb and flow. I am currently 6+ months into being truly heartbroken, and some days I still spiral into thinking about what could have been. But most days I don't even think about it anymore.

Just keep reminding yourself that most days will some day become almost all days, and at some point you will look back at your old photos and the good times you have had with a smile, and realize it wasn't meant to be.

 

[tomx]

Meet more girls

 

[loremipsum]

Meet more girls

Solid advice brother. I can't believe why none of us here thought of that one before.

 

[Steely]

I'm going through something of that. My head is spinning fast thinking of nothing else. We actually gave it a time (she broke up due to my drinking and erratic behaviour and I asked for a time to prove I can change) but it's being hard.

 

[Khal Drogo]

Stay strong friend. My advice would be to
a) Focus on yourself. Set goals and achieve them, travel, read, develop a skill. I feel that a common thing great players share is how egocentric they are. It might sound bad but it's how things work.
b) 'Embrace' the heartbreak. It's ok to hurt. Don't try to rush out of it. Accept that it will take time and accept that life sometimes is hard.

Also, I was saying this to a friend the other day. There's no such thing as "the one". You might feel this way now but the reality is that there's a huge number of quality girls out there. You're doing the right thing . Keep meeting girls and at some point you will realize life is full of options.

 

[thedream]

Stay strong friend. My advice would be to
a) Focus on yourself. Set goals and achieve them, travel, read, develop a skill. I feel that a common thing great players share is how egocentric they are. It might sound bad but it's how things work.
b) 'Embrace' the heartbreak. It's ok to hurt. Don't try to rush out of it. Accept that it will take time and accept that life sometimes is hard.

Also, I was saying this to a friend the other day. There's no such thing as "the one". You might feel this way now but the reality is that there's a huge number of quality girls out there. You're doing the right thing . Keep meeting girls and at some point you will realize life is full of options.

Solid advice.

Break ups used to be very hard for me. It was the hardest and worst part of life.

But with life experience, things got easier.

With age comes wisdom. I don't claim to be a wise man and break ups still hurt 100% but it's not the same as before.

There really was an AHA moment when I realized that life is full of options.

Yes, sometimes I think that's actually a bad thing as in modern life we have too many options.

But there was also a freedom in that because it allowed me to fully go into something (business ventures, relationships, risks etc.) and give it my all and not feel as if I am betting the whole farm and can never go back.

There's a balance to it.

 

[Mister Happy]

I'm 26... She's 32... she aborted

It may feel painful now, but I think you dodged a few bullets here. You'll always have serious baggage from the abortion, she'll blame you, eventually she may even get pregnant from another man to get revenge. And because women have a shorter shelf life than men, you're getting ripped off with the age. When you're 30, marry a younger woman who never had an abortion. You'll eventually forget about this chick. Yikes she killer her own baby. No decent woman would do that.

 

[Khal Drogo]

Stay strong friend. My advice would be to
a) Focus on yourself. Set goals and achieve them, travel, read, develop a skill. I feel that a common thing great players share is how egocentric they are. It might sound bad but it's how things work.
b) 'Embrace' the heartbreak. It's ok to hurt. Don't try to rush out of it. Accept that it will take time and accept that life sometimes is hard.

Also, I was saying this to a friend the other day. There's no such thing as "the one". You might feel this way now but the reality is that there's a huge number of quality girls out there. You're doing the right thing . Keep meeting girls and at some point you will realize life is full of options.

Solid advice.

Break ups used to be very hard for me. It was the hardest and worst part of life.

But with life experience, things got easier.

With age comes wisdom. I don't claim to be a wise man and break ups still hurt 100% but it's not the same as before.

There really was an AHA moment when I realized that life is full of options.

Yes, sometimes I think that's actually a bad thing as in modern life we have too many options.

But there was also a freedom in that because it allowed me to fully go into something (business ventures, relationships, risks etc.) and give it my all and not feel as if I am betting the whole farm and can never go back.

There's a balance to it.

Exactly!
Abundance mentality is key. It's a game changer. In ANY subject, forget about women.

Example:
- If there was only one bar in your area and it closed down, you'd be furious because you wouldn't have anywhere to spend your Fridays. But since there're 200 more bars, you won't care!
- You go to your favourite restaurant to eat your favourite burger. But they tell you they don't offer it anymore. A bummer? sure ! but there's more great food, more great restaurants!

Same with women. No reason to set your mind to a oneitis mentality. There're options out there.

This is something you only realize when you meet/date/go out/yada yada with a fair number of girls. Suddenly there's nothing special anymore.

 

[Winston Wolfe]

Exactly!
Abundance mentality is key. It's a game changer. In ANY subject, forget about women.

Example:
- If there was only one bar in your area and it closed down, you'd be furious because you wouldn't have anywhere to spend your Fridays. But since there're 200 more bars, you won't care!
- You go to your favourite restaurant to eat your favourite burger. But they tell you they don't offer it anymore. A bummer? sure ! but there's more great food, more great restaurants!

Same with women. No reason to set your mind to a oneitis mentality. There're options out there.

This is something you only realize when you meet/date/go out/yada yada with a fair number of girls. Suddenly there's nothing special anymore.

While I agree with the gist of what you're saying (abundance mentality etc), I'd like to add that:
1) Struggling with a tough breakup, and
2) Having an abundance mentality when it comes to girls

Are not mutually exclusive. You can have / experience both.

When you form a deep pair bond with a girl, and that gets broken, you can have all the abundance mentality in the world but that isn't going to do shit for you to help you deal with getting over a breakup.

I think OP has the right frame of mind, he's already working on himself and conscious of the fact he has to move on. There is just a disconnect between what he rationally knows to be true and the right way forward, and what mentally / emotionally he is feeling.

We don't need to tell him he needs to have an abundance mentality and that it solves everything, because it doesn't. It just helps.

Also, when you do have abundance mentality and meet a fair number of girls, I don't agree that suddenly there's nothing special anymore. You can absolutely find that again, if you let yourself, and after you have recovered and are ready again.

 

[thedream]

Exactly!
Abundance mentality is key. It's a game changer. In ANY subject, forget about women.

Example:
- If there was only one bar in your area and it closed down, you'd be furious because you wouldn't have anywhere to spend your Fridays. But since there're 200 more bars, you won't care!
- You go to your favourite restaurant to eat your favourite burger. But they tell you they don't offer it anymore. A bummer? sure ! but there's more great food, more great restaurants!

Same with women. No reason to set your mind to a oneitis mentality. There're options out there.

This is something you only realize when you meet/date/go out/yada yada with a fair number of girls. Suddenly there's nothing special anymore.

While I agree with the gist of what you're saying (abundance mentality etc), I'd like to add that:
1) Struggling with a tough breakup, and
2) Having an abundance mentality when it comes to girls

Are not mutually exclusive. You can have / experience both.

When you form a deep pair bond with a girl, and that gets broken, you can have all the abundance mentality in the world but that isn't going to do shit for you to help you deal with getting over a breakup.

I think OP has the right frame of mind, he's already working on himself and conscious of the fact he has to move on. There is just a disconnect between what he rationally knows to be true and the right way forward, and what mentally / emotionally he is feeling.

We don't need to tell him he needs to have an abundance mentality and that it solves everything, because it doesn't. It just helps.

Also, when you do have abundance mentality and meet a fair number of girls, I don't agree that suddenly there's nothing special anymore. You can absolutely find that again, if you let yourself, and after you have recovered and are ready again.

100% agree with both your points.

It still hurts like hell no matter how much abundance you have. I am going through a similar situation now.

It doesn't matter that I am "still young and will meet more girls" -- when you form a bond with a person, it's going to hurt no matter what.

And yes -- just because you have the abundance mentality does not mean you can't form good bonds with people.

In fact, my relationships with all people (not just romantic) has improved after adopting this mentality.

I see the uniqueness of all people and their perspective more. I see how a relationship with any single person can have it's own unique attributes and isn't like a relationship with any other person.

There is a duality to humans. We are all alike yet different as well.

 

[Nascimento]

In with you on this one. My break up situation is very different, but doesn't change the fact that no break up from something long term is easy.

Will be collecting my thoughts over the next short while. I intend to write a post at some point. I learned a lot.

 

[ThriceLazarus]

@The Dream

Wisdom.

It is a conundrum. Or perhaps, an Axiom of Choice. As a system expands the interactions of individual elements become, seemingly, meaningless. However, there is a magic within chaos, as Chaos Theory hypothesizes.

Nothing matters. Everything matters.

A paradox - both equally demonstrable.

It is far easier to fall under the spell of the former than keep the latter on the mind at all times. The first is animal, unconscious, nihilistic. The second is the path of the Bodhisattva - the Narrow Way.

 

[Soothesayer]

Went through the same thing many years ago with a '5' whom my world revolved around, until I caught her with another woman. In hindsight, had I known that simply MOVING from one part of the city to the other (another apartment) would kill 60% of the pain, I'd have done it a lot sooner.

Triggers can be a deadly, fatal thing to a man. Its like when we're in love we 'imprint' something between our brains and our local environment. Apartment, pool, house, city, roof of your camaro, whenever and wherever you fucked her or even had a romantic moment where you knew she was The One... scents, visuals and auditory signals to your brain create triggers for these events and subsequently, depression when she leaves.

Remove the triggers and you remove the pain. At least it worked for me.

That and a lot of prayers to Christ.

 

[thedream]

Nothing matters. Everything matters.

A paradox - both equally demonstrable.

It is far easier to fall under the spell of the former than keep the latter on the mind at all times. The first is animal, unconscious, nihilistic. The second is the path of the Bodhisattva - the Narrow Way.

There's something beautiful and surreal about it.

Moreover, something of comfort is in there as well.

Yeah we realize how meaningless everything can seem but it's better to believe the opposite (that we make things meaningful) because it makes our life better and more rich.

I know a bit off topic but I love this stuff.

Great discussion, everyone.

I have been a lurker and just started posting. Been following Roosh a long time. Very happy to be here and have the honor to share ideas with all of you.

 

[Khal Drogo]

I'm not saying it's not going to hurt. Of course it will.

Also a very important element is to be red pilled as far as how women and people in general think. How things change from day to day. How girls say one thing but mean another.
This leaves your mind open to all possibilities = nothing surprises you anymore = you have a more calm reaction to everything.

 

[Dr. Howard]

Went through the same thing many years ago with a '5' whom my world revolved around, until I caught her with another woman. In hindsight, had I known that simply MOVING from one part of the city to the other (another apartment) would kill 60% of the pain, I'd have done it a lot sooner.

Triggers can be a deadly, fatal thing to a man. Its like when we're in love we 'imprint' something between our brains and our local environment. Apartment, pool, house, city, roof of your camaro, whenever and wherever you fucked her or even had a romantic moment where you knew she was The One... scents, visuals and auditory signals to your brain create triggers for these events and subsequently, depression when she leaves.

Remove the triggers and you remove the pain. At least it worked for me.

That and a lot of prayers to Christ.

Very true, my ex wife still has issues with our breakup 15 years later but she stayed in the same town, same house, same friends etc. I left the country entirely and had a much easier time getting over it.

On the reverse side, when I have gone back to places, songs etc. that I only have a connection to via a girl (for example, a town that I was only in to meet a girl) then it all comes right back.

 

[Sensei Creation]

Update. It's been a month since we last spoke, my ex just posted a bikini pic on Instagram on holiday with one of her friends - a CERTIFIED slut.

Not gonna lie, feeling jaded.

(I know I shouldn't be checking her Instagram)