Recovering from a breakup

loremipsum

Kingfisher
^To quote Roosh's magnum opus
When a girl decides to break up with you, there’s nothing you can
do to convince her to change her mind, and the fact that she is
breaking up with you probably means she has already started seeing
another man, because a girl doesn’t let go of one man before having
another lined up.

A year or two from now on you may still remember her in songs etc. but the feelings won't be there.
That is if you have moved forward, and that's always the hardest part in the beginning of breakups.
Block all social media man, you're just torturing yourself.
 

Augustus_Principe

Woodpecker
loremipsum said:
^To quote Roosh's magnum opus
When a girl decides to break up with you, there’s nothing you can
do to convince her to change her mind, and the fact that she is
breaking up with you probably means she has already started seeing
another man, because a girl doesn’t let go of one man before having
another lined up.

A year or two from now on you may still remember her in songs etc. but the feelings won't be there.
That is if you have moved forward, and that's always the hardest part in the beginning of breakups.
Block all social media man, you're just torturing yourself.

This cannot be stressed enough. Block her, delete your social media accounts if you have to(prob a good idea regardless so that you're not inclined to feed likes to IG th*ts and participate in this social media degeneracy). Stalking her profile is only going to make things worse.
 

JimBobsCooters

Woodpecker
Step one for me when I was in your position was to cut off everything to do with the girl.

The constant reminders just plague your thoughts and keep you trapped in the rabbit hole. Delete her number and social media if you need to go that far. From everything you've written you've actually dodged a bullet on this one by accident.

It took me ages to take this step, literally a couple of weeks after doing it the healing process actually begins and you can start to move on. Cut the cord so to speak.

From there, improve yourself, get back into the scene and meet new people, not even necessarily for sex and not even necessarily female, humans are social creatures and just meeting and socialising changes things, especially when you've been with someone who is both your best friend and partner for so long where your social interactions have been limited and as a result you feel like you've lost even more as a result of the breakup.

It's tough but you can do it, you'll find better, you'll be happier and at some point you'll think back on it and wonder why you ever felt how you do now, trust me!
 

MichaelWitcoff

Hummingbird
Orthodox
The best way to heal is to grow from the experience, namely by learning its most fundamental lesson: never pin your happiness to anything temporary. Jobs, relationships, fitness level, health, bank balance; all of these can enhance your life, but relying on anything fleeting just means building your house on sand instead of rock. As another poster said, rely on God for peace and happiness and no external loss can rock you to anywhere near this degree.
 

flaghunter

Sparrow
Donfitz007 said:
Sadly the only way to get over her is to find someone or something to fill that void.
Found a passion that took my mind off her (around 2 months after) Finally met somebody who took away all the pain.

I think this is the solution - for me the void won't be filled until I fall in love again.
My current relationship has been on its last legs for the last couple of months - logically moving on makes sense, but I won't be sure I won't regret it until/if I find an upgrade from her.

As a systematic guy, I would like to actively maximise my chance of finding this "upgrade" sooner than later by

- Not spending time on low lying fruits, such as online dating.
- Finding a niche where I can find these girls that I resonate with and are relationship material (I'm not religious so I think I need another option than the widely suggested religious circle). Currently struggling on this one.
- Not turning into a "love addict" just because this is my end goal. After taking 10 years of girls to falll in love with one I need to find a balance.
 

Sensei Creation

Woodpecker
I'll share this as quite a few guys have said they're in the same situation as me rn.

One of the things I have done recently which has helped is a 3 month recovery plan. I made an excel spreadsheet of of all the things that i missed about my ex and underneath the individual points, I made actionable items that I can do to meet and fill the void myself.

For instance my ex would constantly compliment and praise me during our relationship and even though I didn't realize it at the time, now that she's gone my confidence took a massive hit because I don't have that constant validation from her anymore.

One the action points to meet this void (among other things), is getting back to the physique I had when we met, as during our relationship, although I didn't stop going to the gym, I wasn't going as much and I did stop counting my calories which caused my physique to drop.

I feel like following this action plan is the way forward as although I've had relative success daygaming recently, it was not helping as it just feels like a temporary fix. I was not addressing the foundation as much.
 

Sensei Creation

Woodpecker
And I'll be honest. I send my ex one final email inviting her to a coffee. I wanted to see if there was any hope of reconciliation. She probably is not going to reply and at least now I know that I can action my plan and move on
 

SilentOne

Woodpecker
Sensei Creation

Trust me, she's gone. You're suffering from a thing called oneitis. You need to attend to fix this quick before it gets much worse.

Block all social media accounts of her. The last thing you need to see is a pic of her holding another guy and smiling. Or that she got pregnant by the dude she's currently banging... yes she's banging another dude.

Find a passion that you enjoy. Stay busy.

Take a couple weeks break to reflect, then start talking to other girls.

Improve yourself to find happiness within than relying on a girl to make you happy. The latter never ends well.
 

SilentOne

Woodpecker
I said take a break because it's human to feel emotions after being with someone for so long. Cry if you have to, just don't bottle it up. But you're free to do whatever.

Also girls are never to be your priority. She can be a compliment to your life at best, nothing more.
 

loremipsum

Kingfisher
Maybe it's just me, but there shouldn't be a permanent feeling of emptiness after a break up that only a relationship after another can fix.
It doesn't mean that being single again after a break up, or having lost someone
special you had feelings for years, or even having a dry spell doesn't suck (for those who are fornicators) but that sounds like a more deeper issue.


JimBobsCooters said:
Step one for me when I was in your position was to cut off everything to do with the girl.

The constant reminders just plague your thoughts and keep you trapped in the rabbit hole. Delete her number and social media if you need to go that far. From everything you've written you've actually dodged a bullet on this one by accident.

It took me ages to take this step, literally a couple of weeks after doing it the healing process actually begins and you can start to move on. Cut the cord so to speak.

Exactly. Golden post. Once you start treating them like they are gone forever, it gets better exponentially faster.
When I had my first breakup I kept following the girl on social media and it only postponed the horrifying thought that it's gone forever.
I thought about her for almost 2 years despite seeing other girls. Everytime I saw her new social media post it was like a kick to the stomach. Then the feelings slowly faded away, but at what cost.
Instead once you accept that thought right away, block all social media and reminders of her, the healing starts.

I broke up with my last girlfriend over a month ago, and immediately went no contact. I feel much better now after one month than I did after a year of the first breakup.
 

Nascimento

Ostrich
Gold Member
I wrote here 11 days ago. Since then, I've been doing OK. Multiple times I have been asked by friends and family how I'm doing, after ending a 1.5 year relationship. In terms of time, it wasn't that long – many split after multiple years, and the pain I imagine is likely stronger. In my case, despite it being 1.5 years, we were a couple who were told all the time how great we looked together. Even by complete strangers, multiple times. Point is, to friends and acquaintances we looked great together. To our families, it looked like we were building for the future, as we started to integrate each other more and more.

Until a few weeks ago, where an irreversible decline began, as a result of thoughts inside I had to share. Since then, it's over.

I was doing OK. But it hit me like a brick wall today.

...

I have to live with my decision. I knew it was not going to be easy. I had some ups and downs. Today was definitely the deepest low I've felt... in years.

I'm glad I stumbled upon a post on Roissy that really brought me back to level ground. It talk about one-itis, but much more than that as well: https://heartiste.org/2010/09/21/curing-oneitis/

My case was not one itis. Long story short, I decided to end it essentially because I felt I was settling for a girl that was merely good for me. I don't expect my girl to be perfect, and don't need her to be excellent. It's merely definitions sure, but to illustrate the point through this, I want my girl to be great. She came close, but wasn't quite there. And some things annoyed me incessantly about her, and she was unable to change them as they're her traits. In hindsight, I also see some resentment that would have been a problem in the long-term as well. So I think it was the right call for me.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, like it did today.

Back to the post I came across – I confirmed something I had been thinking about but did not fully put together. Choosing to chase lesser girls than my ex would only make the situation worse – not better. Mainstream advice on these parts – to go out and bed 10 girls or date many until the pain goes away, simply does not work... Unless those girls are all on the level of your ex at the very least.

The only way is through time, or through chasing girls that are better than the ex.

For others here recovering from a breakup, I recommend the read. Again, you don't need to be dealing with one-itis post breakup to benefit.

After taking some time to process my thoughts, I've concluded that while time CAN help, the best thing you can do to recover from a break up is:

1) Focus on yourself:
doing things that you value, or actually increase your value as a man... Not just to women, but in the arena of life.

2) Chase girls hotter than your ex: the minimum is to be on her level, ideally above. Bonus if she's a complete stunner

Lastly, here's the highlights from that post by Roissy. I had never come across this before, and this may be the best advice for men on the internet on the matter:

Yeah, I know you say you have no trouble getting girls, but in every case I have examined up close, including my own, the supposed “hot” girls that couldn’t make the man forget about his oneitis ex were in actuality not as hot as the ex. Every man claims it’s “something else” about the oneitis which captivates him, and that it’s not about looks, but that is just ego assuaging bullshit. Nearly every time, the runners up are exactly that — runners up to your ex’s hotness.

I remember this six-month oneitis I was nursing. In the interim, I had gone on a tear through an assortment of women, only to discover that none could do what I wanted them to do, which was to erase her memory completely, or at least detoxify the memories by pushing them into smaller and smaller neural crevices. I wanted my oneitis reduced from a maudlin reminiscence to a harmless nostalgia. Finally, at month six, I met a girl who had a better body, and a hotter face, than my oneitis. I’ll spare you the details of what happened next, because there aren’t any details — my oneitis was instantly cured. Presto whammo. Just like that. I had a new sparkly object in which to discharge my demon seed.

So the rule of thumb is not GFTOW, it’s GFTOHW (go fuck ten other hotter women). No oneitis can withstand such an assault on its mind warping parasitism. Of course, by fucking ten other hotter women, you risk ten-itis, which is a perpetual ringing in the ear caused by all the sex screams of your exes.

The corollary to the above rules is that if you are carelessly and indifferently drowning your sorrows in uglier pussy, your oneitis will GET WORSE. Fucking less attractive chicks, (which will become ridiculously easy if you have game, since your game + oneitis-fueled aloof attitude is a very potent blend of chick crack), will throw your past success into stark relief. You are probably better off wanking it than bedding unsatisfactory girls.

(SNIP)

The patient is therefore released from Le Clinique Chateau with these instructions:

– Take a month off from actively skirt chasing.

– Don’t burn your ex’s photos, but do store them in a lockbox in the attic where it would be a pain for you to conveniently access. Burning photos and other memorabilia is a powerfully symbolic act that ironically reinforces her importance in your life. Better to nonchalantly store that shit like it was any other old knickknack you no longer have use for.

– When you return to the field, focus on gaming girls hotter than what you are used to. This is like weightlifting: you need to incrementally go up in difficulty to see any progress. The challenge will help you concentrate on the present instead of the past.

– When you meet a girl you really like, invest in her. Don’t go for the bang right away. You want to increase her value in your mind, and the way to do that is, one, to make sure she’s hot, and two, to take your time winning her over. Sluts are not gonna cure your oneitis, but hard-to-get girls will.
 

zatara

Kingfisher
That post from Roissy is incredibly true and really well put. I never thought about it before but that logic applies perfectly to every break-up, and subsequent getting over of it, in my life.
 

randomA

Robin
just found this thread.

my gf broke up with me last night, after the relationship had been going south over the past year. i always thought that she would be strong enough not to lose feelings completely but she did and has now reached the point where she is completely unable to see a recovery. so she took some time to definitely decide that it'd be better for her to get out and be less in pain, and for me not to hang around waiting in hope for an unknown amount of time til she gets her shit forever. we were together for more than 3 years, we shared life, house, things, dreams, plans, tastes, habits. all gone now.
i feel dead inside and a basket case.

this is definitely not my first breakup, but definitely the first where she breaks up with me while i am completely head over heels for her and we were overall in good terms up to 1 week before. its an unprecedented pain. our apartment is without her but with all our shared things.

she's 7 years younger than me and we met because of a pure coincidence that feels quite unrepeatable given the different life that I have compared to back then.
when we met she was 22 or 23. she didnt know anything about the world and i basically taught her how to see things of our current society beyond what they would like to make you believe, and made her learn the same thoughts, socio-political views that I have. this sounds trivial but it is important: i had the luck to find someone that I could "mold" or influence to be in sync with me. we were so alike and lots of personality things in common. she had only ever 1 relationship before me and only ever slept with that 1 person before me. i was both her 2nd sexual and relationship partner.
of course i was planning to marry and have a family with her but i probably waited too long and contributed to the downfall. if i made her pregnant closer to the beginning all this wouldnt have happened.

how do you repeat this experience? now that i'm much older and my lifestyle has changed so much, how could i possibly find a person at the same stage where she was before?
 

Sensei Creation

Woodpecker
Going through it too. Stay strong bro. Read the blog post posted above. Take a break and work on yourself. Remember your ex only feels special because of the time and memories invested. There are other women out there that are compatible with your views with a similar background to your ex. Working on yourself will put you in the best possible position to attract them.
 

Sensei Creation

Woodpecker
"i feel dead inside and a basket case."

I feel you.

Ultimately as much as I'm sure your ex was a great person, ultimately she gave up on the relationship.

You don't want to repeat the experience, you want to attract somebody better, but that will only happen of you put the work in.

Harder to action than say as I'm in the same spot
 

OCZ

Robin
Sensei Creation said:
"i feel dead inside and a basket case."

I feel you.

Ultimately as much as I'm sure your ex was a great person, ultimately she gave up on the relationship.

You don't want to repeat the experience, you want to attract somebody better, but that will only happen of you put the work in.

Harder to action than say as I'm in the same spot
I feel more or less in the same position.
I think one of the most important things to understand when a relationship is over, is the fact that there is no point in trying to find an explanation in your head; it will only make you suffer as well as having contact with your ex constantly after the break-up.

You need to distance yourself from her and starting thinking in ways you can improve your life and move forward. Don't try to hunt for another LTR directly, something casual will be ok. Try to focus in yourself, your goals, hobbies, family and friends. Time will passn and so do your pain. If you can't manage to put yourself together after 2-3 months ( depends on how long your relationships, can take less) I'll suggest go with a professional.
 
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