Relationship with a Neurotic Woman

ben1

Pigeon
OP here. Thanks for the replies, some good food for thought.

I didn't have the energy to respond as the last weeks were a bit rough. About 2 weeks ago, I had a planned surgery done. Nothing life-threatening, but severe enough that I can barely put on socks myself. Pain, crutches for 3-4 weeks, sleepless nights. The full recovery will take many months.

Initially, my girlfriend was very supportive. She took good care of me in every regard. However, this didn't last too long. 3 days after the surgery, we had a first argument. It was about me not proactively offering to call her a cab. Instead, she had to ask for it. I know, so terrible.

Then it really escalated 2 days later. The backstory is that she doesn't want me to talk about our relationship troubles with my close friends. I told her that I disagree, and I did it anyway. She got mad and wanted me to call a close friend to tell him that it was wrong to talk to him about my relationship problems. To make it even better, she wanted to be in the same room during the call to be able to listen to the conversation... Obviously, I told her that I wouldn't do this. She got super upset and threatened to leave if I didn't comply. I stood my ground but told her to stay. At one point, I literally said: Please stay, let's talk about this. It didn't help. She was very emotional and eventually left the flat with doors banging, leaving the gimp on crutches in the hallway.

Honestly, I was shocked. It was beyond me how she could leave like that. I cannot even put my shoes on alone, and she leaves because of hurt feelings? Hurt feelings because I have a different opinion and didn't want to lie to my best friend?
Anyway, she called a few hours later to apologize but the damage was already done. The next day, she showed up unannounced to check on me. I send her away.

She has been texting and calling me, saying that she knows that she made a mistake, that it's all her fault, etc. I'm still gimping around and only leave the house for doctor's appointments. I'm still in disbelief. At the same time, I really would like to believe her claims. However, I cannot deal with her emotions at the moment since I don't trust that she can control herself.

We haven't spoken in a few days and I still don't know what to do. I still love her and miss her a lot. At the same time, I cannot expose myself to more drama. Yeah, my life really sucks right now.
You need to break up with her immediately. There simply is no reason to save this. She will only make your life a living Hell. You deserve better.
 
Hello.
Been lurking here for a long time but this is a thread I have to write in. I have been in your shoes and I decided to stay and “fight for the relationship”.
It’s the dumbest thing I ever done and in many ways it destroyed my life. Well, at least some 15 years of it. So get out now!
I know you are blinded by feelings but think of it this way. If any man treated you like this, would you still be his best friend? If a co worker did this, would you still support him or her? If a close friend was treated like this, would you tell him that he deserved it and should just put up with it?
As so many already said here, this will only get worse and worse. If you stay with her, you will look back at this in 10 years time and remember this time as the happy times. If you start a family , is this how you want your children to be treated? Because they will be. Is this the lesson you want them to have, from which they go out and form their relationships?
Get over it, get out and build yourself a healthy life where there is room for a good relationship. I didn’t and as I wasted my life, I’ll be damned if I see someone else do it without reaching out.
pm if you want any more help or input. Good luck my anonymous friend and I hope you will take heed of mine and other’s words here.
 

BlastbeatCasanova

Kingfisher
OP here. Thanks for the replies, some good food for thought.
OP, I hope you’re doing OK. That sounds really rough. I understand how it is, I feel like guys have a really hard time breaking up with a girl they perceive as flawed but still sweet, feminine, etc. especially if sex is involved. The dating market of potential high quality mates is rough out there and fear of loss can be paralyzing. Even though your gut is nagging you to get out you still find ways to rationalize and stay in it. You making this original post is your gut screaming at you. I’m going through a somewhat similar relationship issue myself, although on a significantly smaller magnitude than yours. When a girl does something like this, something unforgivable that you won’t be able to move past, see it as a blessing. It gives you a rock solid reason to make a clean break with a clear conscience. Your friends and family should and will (hopefully) step up and help you with your current mobility issues. Things might feel bleak but in a year or so, future you will thank past you for breaking it off.
 
Last edited:

king bast

Woodpecker
OP here. Thanks for the replies, some good food for thought.

I didn't have the energy to respond as the last weeks were a bit rough. About 2 weeks ago, I had a planned surgery done. Nothing life-threatening, but severe enough that I can barely put on socks myself. Pain, crutches for 3-4 weeks, sleepless nights. The full recovery will take many months.

Initially, my girlfriend was very supportive. She took good care of me in every regard. However, this didn't last too long. 3 days after the surgery, we had a first argument. It was about me not proactively offering to call her a cab. Instead, she had to ask for it. I know, so terrible.

Then it really escalated 2 days later. The backstory is that she doesn't want me to talk about our relationship troubles with my close friends. I told her that I disagree, and I did it anyway. She got mad and wanted me to call a close friend to tell him that it was wrong to talk to him about my relationship problems. To make it even better, she wanted to be in the same room during the call to be able to listen to the conversation... Obviously, I told her that I wouldn't do this. She got super upset and threatened to leave if I didn't comply. I stood my ground but told her to stay. At one point, I literally said: Please stay, let's talk about this. It didn't help. She was very emotional and eventually left the flat with doors banging, leaving the gimp on crutches in the hallway.

Honestly, I was shocked. It was beyond me how she could leave like that. I cannot even put my shoes on alone, and she leaves because of hurt feelings? Hurt feelings because I have a different opinion and didn't want to lie to my best friend?
Anyway, she called a few hours later to apologize but the damage was already done. The next day, she showed up unannounced to check on me. I send her away.

She has been texting and calling me, saying that she knows that she made a mistake, that it's all her fault, etc. I'm still gimping around and only leave the house for doctor's appointments. I'm still in disbelief. At the same time, I really would like to believe her claims. However, I cannot deal with her emotions at the moment since I don't trust that she can control herself.

We haven't spoken in a few days and I still don't know what to do. I still love her and miss her a lot. At the same time, I cannot expose myself to more drama. Yeah, my life really sucks right now.

It is telling that the trigger for this latest argument was you being in a weakened state. Women detest weakness and they are highly sensitive to it. That's where the objectively and observably incorrect "man-flu" meme came from - any sign of weakness is magnified 10x.

I suspected failed shit tests were to blame, and this latest development lends weight to the theory. You've got to be extra solid to women in times of crisis and (forgivably) the covid crisis exposed you. Unfortunately, it's probably too late to get your image back to strong, solid and reliable in her eyes, as each failed shit test compounds the last.
 

bmw633

Woodpecker
Nothing stings quite like a wife or GF kicking you while you are down. Block and ghost her fo your own good.

With a GF like her, you don't need enemies....
My 2nd wife and I were going to marriage counseling and I had an upcoming spinal fusion surgery, and wanted reassurance from her that she would take care of me after my surgery, since I was not allowed to drive for a month. Her reply was not, "Of course I will be there for you, I love you and am committed to you." It was this wishy-washy I guess I can stuff.

About a week and a half after my surgery, she decided she didn't like my tone of voice, packed her and my 2 year old son's things and was gone 2 days. Then, she came back, acting as if nothing happened.

I developed chronic pain not too long afterwards, having to sell my business and go on permanent disability. Her indifference to what I was having to deal with was intolerable to the point that I got my own place. The loneliest I have ever been in my life was with her in my bed.

A woman who lacks commitment really is incapable of love.
 

Pdalion

Pigeon
"That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her mire,
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;" -Rudyard Kipling

Don't be like that! Listen to the other posters.

Best.
 

Cicero12

Pigeon
Don't freaking do it, why put yourself in such a stressful situation with a person who will cause so much of a headache in your life? Unless its your family or a some other extraordinary situation, I think its best and look for someone else.
 

Nascimento

Ostrich
Gold Member
I have some thoughts on the matter based on my situation, and it's different from the OP. The premise is that my girlfriend is highly neurotic as well. It's rarely, if ever to do with me or our relationship. It's about life as a whole. She often gets hit with negative moods and thoughts that overwhelm her with grief. The thing is, she's very positive around me and at least 80% of the time I could say she looks like someone carrying this happy gene we've talked about.

Her neuroticism hasn't hurt our relationship, but I can see how it hurts her when we aren't together as she seems to struggle to cope with the burden of every day challenges, and while she's receptive to encouragement, it seems only a temporary lift. Frankly I worry about it for the future; as explored here, it's one thing to deal with this from time to time, but another for it to be a permanent feature in your life partner if she is the mother of your children.

Fortunately in my situation she comes from a very good background. Good upbringing, family values, faith, minimal relationship experience prior to ours. She's very easy to get along with, and we've managed misunderstandings very well since the beginning. No fights or major conflicts in the 6 months we've known each other. There are other pluses but I'll keep it to the strong ones.

There are other things I'm thinking about that make me doubt our long term suitability, but want to just explore my thoughts around neuroticism at the moment.

One question I want to open is: is it possible to have a *great* relationship with a woman very high in neuroticism? Right now I think our relationship is good, but I'm having doubts about whether it could ever be great, and it's hard to accept anything less when planning a lifelong partnership. There are often many things about a woman you can work on – I'm a firm believer in being able to improve each other over the relationship, such as instilling positive habits on exercising, home duties, nutrition and health – and even coming to agreement on complicated matters like politics and religion. But regarding traits and personality it seems like something you'd have to accept from the start, because they can't change much. And perhaps it is possible to manage some degree of neuroticism in your partner, but a very high level could just be beyond that.
 

Based

Sparrow
OP here. Thanks for the replies, some good food for thought.

I didn't have the energy to respond as the last weeks were a bit rough. About 2 weeks ago, I had a planned surgery done. Nothing life-threatening, but severe enough that I can barely put on socks myself. Pain, crutches for 3-4 weeks, sleepless nights. The full recovery will take many months.

Initially, my girlfriend was very supportive. She took good care of me in every regard. However, this didn't last too long. 3 days after the surgery, we had a first argument. It was about me not proactively offering to call her a cab. Instead, she had to ask for it. I know, so terrible.

Then it really escalated 2 days later. The backstory is that she doesn't want me to talk about our relationship troubles with my close friends. I told her that I disagree, and I did it anyway. She got mad and wanted me to call a close friend to tell him that it was wrong to talk to him about my relationship problems. To make it even better, she wanted to be in the same room during the call to be able to listen to the conversation... Obviously, I told her that I wouldn't do this. She got super upset and threatened to leave if I didn't comply. I stood my ground but told her to stay. At one point, I literally said: Please stay, let's talk about this. It didn't help. She was very emotional and eventually left the flat with doors banging, leaving the gimp on crutches in the hallway.

Honestly, I was shocked. It was beyond me how she could leave like that. I cannot even put my shoes on alone, and she leaves because of hurt feelings? Hurt feelings because I have a different opinion and didn't want to lie to my best friend?
Anyway, she called a few hours later to apologize but the damage was already done. The next day, she showed up unannounced to check on me. I send her away.

She has been texting and calling me, saying that she knows that she made a mistake, that it's all her fault, etc. I'm still gimping around and only leave the house for doctor's appointments. I'm still in disbelief. At the same time, I really would like to believe her claims. However, I cannot deal with her emotions at the moment since I don't trust that she can control herself.

We haven't spoken in a few days and I still don't know what to do. I still love her and miss her a lot. At the same time, I cannot expose myself to more drama. Yeah, my life really sucks right now.
Oh wow after that it is obvious - she is trouble and a relationship with her will be an ever escalating hell. This event you describe is a gift from above, there is no ambiguity about it, her behavior is out of line and indicative of a deep personality deficit. She sounds like she will be even worse after you marry and have children - controlling and ruthless. You really have no excuse and cannot say you were not warned. If you stay you will have brought all the pain unto yourself. Run my friend, run for the mountains, even if it is the ex-crack house Roosh accidentally stumbled into. Out.
 

Nascimento

Ostrich
Gold Member
Hi BoiBoi,

Sorry - I only read the first page of the thread when I posted above, so I was sharing thoughts on the topic without realizing the current situation. I don't have anything new to add on the matter as I echo the sentiments already shared. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
 

bucky

Ostrich
I share the other forum members opinion that you should leave her. What happy memories you'll have of the good times with her and the good things about her will be far more comforting and pleasant than anything you'll get out of actually trying to stay with her or, God forbid, marrying her. Once you get to the point where a woman constantly harangues you about "not loving her enough" things will never get better and doubling down and "fighting for the relationship" will only destroy your life, or least lead to wasting a good chunk of it like I did with my thirties and a very beautiful, sexy, and mentally ill petite blonde.

Don't do it, man.
 

bmw633

Woodpecker
I have some thoughts on the matter based on my situation, and it's different from the OP. The premise is that my girlfriend is highly neurotic as well. It's rarely, if ever to do with me or our relationship. It's about life as a whole. She often gets hit with negative moods and thoughts that overwhelm her with grief. The thing is, she's very positive around me and at least 80% of the time I could say she looks like someone carrying this happy gene we've talked about.

Her neuroticism hasn't hurt our relationship, but I can see how it hurts her when we aren't together as she seems to struggle to cope with the burden of every day challenges, and while she's receptive to encouragement, it seems only a temporary lift. Frankly I worry about it for the future; as explored here, it's one thing to deal with this from time to time, but another for it to be a permanent feature in your life partner if she is the mother of your children.

Fortunately in my situation she comes from a very good background. Good upbringing, family values, faith, minimal relationship experience prior to ours. She's very easy to get along with, and we've managed misunderstandings very well since the beginning. No fights or major conflicts in the 6 months we've known each other. There are other pluses but I'll keep it to the strong ones.

There are other things I'm thinking about that make me doubt our long term suitability, but want to just explore my thoughts around neuroticism at the moment.

One question I want to open is: is it possible to have a *great* relationship with a woman very high in neuroticism? Right now I think our relationship is good, but I'm having doubts about whether it could ever be great, and it's hard to accept anything less when planning a lifelong partnership. There are often many things about a woman you can work on – I'm a firm believer in being able to improve each other over the relationship, such as instilling positive habits on exercising, home duties, nutrition and health – and even coming to agreement on complicated matters like politics and religion. But regarding traits and personality it seems like something you'd have to accept from the start, because they can't change much. And perhaps it is possible to manage some degree of neuroticism in your partner, but a very high level could just be beyond that.
t some point, her issues will spill over to you. Maybe her mask is still on, but will come off eventually. Check out ”covert narcissism".
 

HKBhusal

Sparrow
In the past few months, I realized that my girlfriend is highly neurotic. By neurotic, I mean that she is prone to negative feelings, mood swings and needs constant reassurance. Everything I do or say is put under scrutiny, and she usually manages to interpret it in the worst possible way. It is draining and leads to frequent major fights over small things. The gist is always that she doesn't believe that I love her. However, I do love her and want(ed) to marry her.
There were some early indicators but since I was (and still am) crazy about her, I dismissed them. E.g. she confessed to going through my phone on the 2 or 3 date. Or she got super upset, when she learned that I still had pictures of my ex-girlfriends (like 10-year-old pics from a holiday in Mexico, nothing crazy).

We have been together for a little less than 1.5 years and for the past 6-8 months, we had at least 1 major argument/week. Sometimes even more. I'm at a loss on what to do here.

Normally, I would have ended the relationship a while ago, as I'm rather drama-free and like my life this way. However, right from the start, I thought that I had finally found my future wife. She is beautiful, caring and smart. By all accounts, she is a good girl: She wants to be a homemaker and enjoys the traditional role division. No parties, no drugs, no ex-boyfriends. She enjoys spoiling me with her affection, her cooking skills and, I believe, would never leave me.

What's your experience with neurotic women? Has anybody experienced a similar situation?

Yes I dated a woman like that. I didn't last 2 months. As soon as we got together she did that type of stuff and more, no honeymoon period, she just tried consciously/unconsciously to drain me in the manner you described. I think it had to do with the fact that she never had a father figure, and her mother probably conditioned her to hate men. She was liberal in general. She was kind of like the neurotic part you described, but loved to party, smoked and vaped constantly, and was flirtatious with other men...and had a drinking problem. Never really cooked either, because her mother said it was bad to cook for men and be subservient to them. I ended up doing everything. I ended up liking her dog more than her, and actually miss the dog more.
 

Papaya

Peacock
Gold Member
It will not improve. Do some due diligence on "borderline personality disorder".

Personally, after wasting a lot of time with these type of women in the past, I don't anymore. It's too exhausting and never improves. It doesn't mean they are bad people, but the the risk/reward ratio is too high long term.

There was a post about the "Happy gene" a few years back. Top 10 RVF post. Read carefully:
https://www.rooshvforum.com/threads/a-date-review-i-got-today-from-a-33yo-female.38787/post-1396723
It sounds like OPs girl is straddling a combination Cluster B (dramatic ) and Cluster C (dependant) personality disorder traits

Terms like "bipolar" get thrown around a lot with a real understanding of the clinical definition. Mood swings can have multivariant causality but its not always pathological.

I had also started a thread on "histrionic personality disorder" that got lost in the game purge but its worth reading up on the subject. I remember being surprised how this is not more widely known or dicussed.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

As the author of the original "Happy Gene" post I can tell you from personal experience ....sometimes the juice just aint worth the squeeze.
 
Last edited:
Top