Relationship with a Neurotic Woman

[Heismightytosave]

If she is BPD you need to run the other way as fast as your little legs can carry you. I strongly suggest checking out Shari Schreiber's articles. If some of these resonate with you strongly, you are in a world of trouble, my friend. Ask me how I know! Don't take the same route that I took. You can be better, you can have better in your life. https://sharischreiber.com/the-borderline-personality-client/

 

[lairofdionysus]

Yes I dated a woman like that. I didn't last 2 months. As soon as we got together she did that type of stuff and more, no honeymoon period, she just tried consciously/unconsciously to drain me in the manner you described. I think it had to do with the fact that she never had a father figure, and her mother probably conditioned her to hate men. She was liberal in general. She was kind of like the neurotic part you described, but loved to party, smoked and vaped constantly, and was flirtatious with other men...and had a drinking problem. Never really cooked either, because her mother said it was bad to cook for men and be subservient to them. I ended up doing everything. I ended up liking her dog more than her, and actually miss the dog more.

Ever notice that most relationships only last for 2 months!? The next milestone of course is the 6 month and 12 periods, but I always notice that within the 2 month time-frame things really usually collapse by then because the girl cannot continue her lies or other issues so either she might want out or you will start getting into fights with her over her BS she starts.

 

[jordypip23]

If she is BPD you need to run the other way as fast as your little legs can carry you. I strongly suggest checking out Shari Schreiber's articles. If some of these resonate with you strongly, you are in a world of trouble, my friend. Ask me how I know! Don't take the same route that I took. You can be better, you can have better in your life. https://sharischreiber.com/the-borderline-personality-client/

Just made a lengthy post about my BPD ex's suicide (I had remained friendly with her & was in contact with her until the end & it stings so bad). What a sad ending & yes.... You gentlemen are all correct.

 

[bmw633]

I'm in a similar situation, in that my GF is highly neurotic. Except we don't fight anymore since six months or so ago-
The key in my opinion is to be very attentive and learn how your woman works, and then slowly expose some of her counter-productive behaviours to her. Also learn how to make her feel like you're not going to abandon her.

What you are suggesting is to change to suit the woman, which is death by 1000 paper cuts.

A woman should compliment your life, not be the focus of it.

 

[FactusIRX]

OP here. Thanks for the replies, some good food for thought.

I didn't have the energy to respond as the last weeks were a bit rough. About 2 weeks ago, I had a planned surgery done. Nothing life-threatening, but severe enough that I can barely put on socks myself. Pain, crutches for 3-4 weeks, sleepless nights. The full recovery will take many months.

Initially, my girlfriend was very supportive. She took good care of me in every regard. However, this didn't last too long. 3 days after the surgery, we had a first argument. It was about me not proactively offering to call her a cab. Instead, she had to ask for it. I know, so terrible.

Then it really escalated 2 days later. The backstory is that she doesn't want me to talk about our relationship troubles with my close friends. I told her that I disagree, and I did it anyway. She got mad and wanted me to call a close friend to tell him that it was wrong to talk to him about my relationship problems. To make it even better, she wanted to be in the same room during the call to be able to listen to the conversation... Obviously, I told her that I wouldn't do this. She got super upset and threatened to leave if I didn't comply. I stood my ground but told her to stay. At one point, I literally said: Please stay, let's talk about this. It didn't help. She was very emotional and eventually left the flat with doors banging, leaving the gimp on crutches in the hallway.

Honestly, I was shocked. It was beyond me how she could leave like that. I cannot even put my shoes on alone, and she leaves because of hurt feelings? Hurt feelings because I have a different opinion and didn't want to lie to my best friend?
Anyway, she called a few hours later to apologize but the damage was already done. The next day, she showed up unannounced to check on me. I send her away.

She has been texting and calling me, saying that she knows that she made a mistake, that it's all her fault, etc. I'm still gimping around and only leave the house for doctor's appointments. I'm still in disbelief. At the same time, I really would like to believe her claims. However, I cannot deal with her emotions at the moment since I don't trust that she can control herself.

We haven't spoken in a few days and I still don't know what to do. I still love her and miss her a lot. At the same time, I cannot expose myself to more drama. Yeah, my life really sucks right now.

Totally predictable behaviour. It may seem bizarre or strange to you because modern secular propaganda has taught you women are angels, but it's not. Women are chaotic, destructive and difficult to deal with, especially if they have no father figure or religion.

Answer these questions:
1) How old are you?
2) How old is she?
3) What is your faith like?
4) What is her faith like?

Women don't like weakness, including physical weakness from surgery. It activates their insecurity because they subconsciously see it as an inability to provide. I would never show a woman any weakness like this unless you are in a committed Christian marriage.

It sounds like she has anxious and avoidant attachment style stemming from her father leaving her at a young age. It's a fairly common type of attachment style from modern, secular woman.

If you want to stay with her, you need to learn how to deal with people with this type of attachment style. It's difficult for men because most men have a avoidant attachment style, which triggers and makes their attachment style worse.

You will need to attend couple's therapy and work through it together. You also both need to be in a strong Christian relationship and need to meet with a priest. You need her to commit to both types of therapy, or it won't work. If you are currently living a secular modern relationship, it won't work.

I won't lie to you. It's a hard and difficult road ahead to make it work, but it's possible if she is just has an anxious and avoidant attachment style and is not a Cluster B personality disorder. It's imperative she visits a psychologist to have a clinical diagnosis. If she is a Cluster B (BPD), then I would say there's little to no hope. If she just has an anxious and avoidant attachment style and she's willing to undergo therapy and she's willing to commit to a Christian life, there's hope because God has power to Grace any relationship. If you are currently living in Sin (pre-martial sex), then he won't Grace your relationship and it will fall apart.

 

[piceaabies]

What you are suggesting is to change to suit the woman, which is death by 1000 paper cuts.

A woman should compliment your life, not be the focus of it.

On the contrary, i suggested to change the woman, "expose some of her counter-productive behaviours to her".
So in order for the woman to compliment your life, some time you have to drive through some change in her.

On the abandonment part im refering to how BPD disorder victims feel constant abandonment which is a source of disorder. Which was responding to earlier posts.

 

[IM3000]

Totally predictable behaviour. It may seem bizarre or strange to you because modern secular propaganda has taught you women are angels, but it's not. Women are chaotic, destructive and difficult to deal with, especially if they have no father figure or religion.

Answer these questions:
1) How old are you?
2) How old is she?
3) What is your faith like?
4) What is her faith like?

Women don't like weakness, including physical weakness from surgery. It activates their insecurity because they subconsciously see it as an inability to provide. I would never show a woman any weakness like this unless you are in a committed Christian marriage.

It sounds like she has anxious and avoidant attachment style stemming from her father leaving her at a young age. It's a fairly common type of attachment style from modern, secular woman.

If you want to stay with her, you need to learn how to deal with people with this type of attachment style. It's difficult for men because most men have a avoidant attachment style, which triggers and makes their attachment style worse.

You will need to attend couple's therapy and work through it together. You also both need to be in a strong Christian relationship and need to meet with a priest. You need her to commit to both types of therapy, or it won't work. If you are currently living a secular modern relationship, it won't work.

I won't lie to you. It's a hard and difficult road ahead to make it work, but it's possible if she is just has an anxious and avoidant attachment style and is not a Cluster B personality disorder. It's imperative she visits a psychologist to have a clinical diagnosis. If she is a Cluster B (BPD), then I would say there's little to no hope. If she just has an anxious and avoidant attachment style and she's willing to undergo therapy and she's willing to commit to a Christian life, there's hope because God has power to Grace any relationship. If you are currently living in Sin (pre-martial sex), then he won't Grace your relationship and it will fall apart.

I'm late 30s and she's mid 20s. My parents aren't religious at all and I was raised in a typical secular way. Faith was never a topic of conversation. Consequently, I know very little about Christianity.

She comes from a more traditional background. However, in her teenage years, she actively rebelled against the Faith/ the Church. In an angry moment, she threw a Bible out of the window to spite her step dad.

I don't know if she has BPD or any other personality disorder. Some of her behavior seems to indicate it and some doesn't. I'm not a psychologist and have really no idea.

In any case, I realized that this relationship brought out the worst in me: I caught myself lying (to both of us) to accommodate her again and again. It was painful for me to see that I was unable to stop this. This must be what an addict feels like when he relapses despite wanting to get clean.
Needless to say, it was a very toxic dynamic and finally we broke up. It is still very painful and I am not in a good place. The continued lockdown, my surgery and this on top is quite a handful. The silver lining is that I recognized some areas which I need to look at in myself, including my Faith or the lack thereof.

I was surprised to learn that many men have similar issues in their relationships. This blog by some lady really helped me understand her and the situation better. If anything that I wrote in this thread sounds familiar to you, give it a read.

 

[get2choppaaa]

On the contrary, i suggested to change the woman, "expose some of her counter-productive behaviours to her".
So in order for the woman to compliment your life, some time you have to drive through some change in her.

On the abandonment part im refering to how BPD disorder victims feel constant abandonment which is a source of disorder. Which was responding to earlier posts.

You cannot change another person.

I have tried to do what you said... It does not work.

Best thing anyone who is dating a BOD woman can do abort and find a new mate who isn't damaged.

 

[piceaabies]

You cannot change another person.

I have tried to do what you said... It does not work.

Best thing anyone who is dating a BOD woman can do abort and find a new mate who isn't damaged.

Fair enough, maybe if the differences are small enough it could still work though.

I agree that going into or staying in a relationship with someone who has BPD is suicide.

 

[bmw633]

On the contrary, i suggested to change the woman, "expose some of her counter-productive behaviours to her".
So in order for the woman to compliment your life, some time you have to drive through some change in her.

On the abandonment part im refering to how BPD disorder victims feel constant abandonment which is a source of disorder. Which was responding to earlier posts.

Much of neuroticism is hard wired, and you cannot ”...drive through some change in her." Wishful thinking, to say the least.

 

[bmw633]

Ever notice that most relationships only last for 2 months!? The next milestone of course is the 6 month and 12 periods, but I always notice that within the 2 month time-frame things really usually collapse by then because the girl cannot continue her lies or other issues so either she might want out or you will start getting into fights with her over her BS she starts.

Dating someone maybe 2 months is not a relationship, but more of an encounter. Covert narcissists can be chameleons for over a year, the FRUIT LOOPS can usually be easily spotted and nexted.

 

[FactusIRX]

I'm late 30s and she's mid 20s. My parents aren't religious at all and I was raised in a typical secular way. Faith was never a topic of conversation. Consequently, I know very little about Christianity.

She comes from a more traditional background. However, in her teenage years, she actively rebelled against the Faith/ the Church. In an angry moment, she threw a Bible out of the window to spite her step dad.

I don't know if she has BPD or any other personality disorder. Some of her behavior seems to indicate it and some doesn't. I'm not a psychologist and have really no idea.

In any case, I realized that this relationship brought out the worst in me: I caught myself lying (to both of us) to accommodate her again and again. It was painful for me to see that I was unable to stop this. This must be what an addict feels like when he relapses despite wanting to get clean.
Needless to say, it was a very toxic dynamic and finally we broke up. It is still very painful and I am not in a good place. The continued lockdown, my surgery and this on top is quite a handful. The silver lining is that I recognized some areas which I need to look at in myself, including my Faith or the lack thereof.

I was surprised to learn that many men have similar issues in their relationships. This blog by some lady really helped me understand her and the situation better. If anything that I wrote in this thread sounds familiar to you, give it a read.

Good to hear you got out of it. It was doomed to fail, and you'll recover. Time heals all wounds.

 

[Steady Hands]

I give credit to BoiBoi for drawing the courage to start this thread - which allowed for some meaningful discussion - and getting back to the readers with some updates, even when they surely felt uncomfortable to write. This follow-up can be contrasted to many OPs who ask questions, often without much detail, and then vanish, leaving all those involved wondering if their contributions were taken sincerely. Wishing him a speedy recovery.

 

[LawTalkingGuy]

In the past few months, I realized that my girlfriend is highly neurotic. By neurotic, I mean that she is prone to negative feelings, mood swings and needs constant reassurance. Everything I do or say is put under scrutiny, and she usually manages to interpret it in the worst possible way. It is draining and leads to frequent major fights over small things. The gist is always that she doesn't believe that I love her. However, I do love her and want(ed) to marry her.
There were some early indicators but since I was (and still am) crazy about her, I dismissed them. E.g. she confessed to going through my phone on the 2 or 3 date. Or she got super upset, when she learned that I still had pictures of my ex-girlfriends (like 10-year-old pics from a holiday in Mexico, nothing crazy).

We have been together for a little less than 1.5 years and for the past 6-8 months, we had at least 1 major argument/week. Sometimes even more. I'm at a loss on what to do here.

Normally, I would have ended the relationship a while ago, as I'm rather drama-free and like my life this way. However, right from the start, I thought that I had finally found my future wife. She is beautiful, caring and smart. By all accounts, she is a good girl: She wants to be a homemaker and enjoys the traditional role division. No parties, no drugs, no ex-boyfriends. She enjoys spoiling me with her affection, her cooking skills and, I believe, would never leave me.

What's your experience with neurotic women? Has anybody experienced a similar situation?

That isn't neurotic, it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder.

Are you walking on eggshells?

Is she rotating between hot and cold towards you? Is she either planning your murder/funeral or planning the wedding?

Do mundane trivial things that are not personal criticisms of her, have a tendency to send her into a fit of rage?

Does she seem to be afraid you're going to leave her?

Is she insecure about your ex or exes?


Going through your phone and her being afraid you're going to leave her for your ex-girlfriend are major red flags.

You've basically described a Borderline Personality girl.

 

[LawTalkingGuy]

I don't think that she has BPD.

Yes, I know this post. I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

I've been in enough psychology classes and had the high A in Psychiatry and the Law in law school. In law school we were required to take a "perspective class" such Racism and Law, Women and the Law, classes about international war crimes, etc., or, I found Psychiatry and the Law which covered the DSM, involuntary civil commitment, guardians for the mentally ill, court orders for medication, etc., and I took that class instead because it fulfilled the requirement. I also took it as an upper level writing class and did the term paper instead of just taking the class and taking a final exam. I had to do the paper and the final exam.

I was also involved with a woman who screams "I am a borderline personality" and I had a histrionic narcissistic mother.

The woman you described is almost certainly a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. She's definitely Cluster B.

 

[LawTalkingGuy]

I'm in a similar situation, in that my GF is highly neurotic. Except we don't fight anymore since six months or so ago-
The key in my opinion is to be very attentive and learn how your woman works, and then slowly expose some of her counter-productive behaviours to her. Also learn how to make her feel like you're not going to abandon her.

I cannot support that sort of arrangement.

Life is too short to have to walk on eggshells and constantly reassure a borderline personality that you're not going to abandon them by catering to their demands on your behavior and words.

In short, you've basically just taught yourself to be her therapist. This isn't a recipe for a successful relationship let alone a happy life.

I take "be very attentive and learn how your woman works" to be "walk on eggshells and get used to catering to her to keep her from having a borderline rage outburst."

Many female insecurities go away when they can redirect their energy onto a newborn and family. Not saying to marry this woman but if the fundamentals are good I think motherhood puts away some of the bad stuff and reinforces the good stuff.

A borderline makes a horrible parent. A borderline, especially a woman, will use her kids and put a lot of stress and strain on them. She will make the kids extensions of herself and will have the kids walking on eggshells to keep mommy happy and reinforce mommy's need to be constantly reassured nobody is going to abandon her. Imagine being 5 years old and having mommy act to you in such a way that you internalize the message of, "mommy didn't get enough affection from her parents during her formative years, mommy is broken, you are here to save mommy's world and reassure mommy that she will always be okay." A borderline will also resent the other partner for providing time and attention to the children and the borderline will come to see the children as competition for attention/reassurance from the partner.

 

[AdveniatRegnumTuum]

I'm late 30s and she's mid 20s. My parents aren't religious at all and I was raised in a typical secular way. Faith was never a topic of conversation. Consequently, I know very little about Christianity.

She comes from a more traditional background. However, in her teenage years, she actively rebelled against the Faith/ the Church. In an angry moment, she threw a Bible out of the window to spite her step dad.

I don't know if she has BPD or any other personality disorder. Some of her behavior seems to indicate it and some doesn't. I'm not a psychologist and have really no idea.

In any case, I realized that this relationship brought out the worst in me: I caught myself lying (to both of us) to accommodate her again and again. It was painful for me to see that I was unable to stop this. This must be what an addict feels like when he relapses despite wanting to get clean.
Needless to say, it was a very toxic dynamic and finally we broke up. It is still very painful and I am not in a good place. The continued lockdown, my surgery and this on top is quite a handful. The silver lining is that I recognized some areas which I need to look at in myself, including my Faith or the lack thereof.

I was surprised to learn that many men have similar issues in their relationships. This blog by some lady really helped me understand her and the situation better. If anything that I wrote in this thread sounds familiar to you, give it a read.

You have been very courageous and good job on finishing with this woman. Come back to God, brother. He is calling you. You just have to listen.

 

[IM3000]

Are you walking on eggshells?

Is she rotating between hot and cold towards you? Is she either planning your murder/funeral or planning the wedding?

Do mundane trivial things that are not personal criticisms of her, have a tendency to send her into a fit of rage?

Does she seem to be afraid you're going to leave her?

Is she insecure about your ex or exes?

1. Yes, I was. To the extend it was possible for me, I self regulated my speech to not set her off. Just mentioning the name of a friend of mine (whom she disliked) was enough to ruin an evening. She was like beautiful garden. With landmines.

2. Not super openly and not without a "reason". However, a "reason" could simply be that I didn't behave in the way she wanted me to.

3. To some extend yes.

4. Very much so. Apparently, she thought that I was on my way out all the time. This drove me crazy as I never was. Not even once did I daydream/ think about other women. In fact, I was convinced that I'd marry this woman. This was the first time in my life that I had this feeling. The dissonance between my actions and the way I perceived them and what she mirrored back to me was insane. I literally thought that I was going mental at some point.

5. Yes, very much so. She wouldn't take a bath in my place because "a million sluts" had used the bathtub before. Furthermore, she hated my flat and all my furniture, since they all were contaminated by said "millions of sluts".

 

[IM3000]

The woman you described is almost certainly a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. She's definitely Cluster B.

Well, I'm not a psychologist and cannot comment. That said, I found a Youtube channel which features typical borderline-infused arguments. They were a bit more extreme on insults and threats but their overall theme resembled the fights that I used to have with her.

 

[LawTalkingGuy]

1. Yes, I was. To the extend it was possible for me, I self regulated my speech to not set her off. Just mentioning the name of a friend of mine (whom she disliked) was enough to ruin an evening. She was like beautiful garden. With landmines.

2. Not super openly and not without a "reason". However, a "reason" could simply be that I didn't behave in the way she wanted me to.

3. To some extend yes.

4. Very much so. Apparently, she thought that I was on my way out all the time. This drove me crazy as I never was. Not even once did I daydream/ think about other women. In fact, I was convinced that I'd marry this woman. This was the first time in my life that I had this feeling. The dissonance between my actions and the way I perceived them and what she mirrored back to me was insane. I literally thought that I was going mental at some point.

5. Yes, very much so. She wouldn't take a bath in my place because "a million sluts" had used the bathtub before. Furthermore, she hated my flat and all my furniture, since they all were contaminated by said "millions of sluts".

She seems to be a borderline with excessive fears of abandonment and anxious attachment issues.

"I hate you, don't leave me!" sort of things.

"I love you, go away!"

"I know you're going to leave me!"

"You're just waiting to dump me, aren't you? You're just figuring out how to do it."

"I don't care if you leave me, go do it already, go back to your ex..."

"You're trying to provoke me and you want me to dump you because you want out. You don't really love me."

"If your ex is so important and was so great you want to have a photo of her on your FB wall from 10 years ago, just go back to her already."

"You are definitely the one, you are such an amazing man, I couldn't live without you."

"You disgust me, I'll be so much better without you, get lost, drop dead."

An intense roller-coaster drama of exceptional highs and horrible lows. Break-up and make-up cyclical drama.


Variations of those quotes are what you can expect to hear from a typical Borderline Personality.

A borderline can fly into a rage because you mention strawberry ice cream and she hates that and thinks your referencing it is meant as a jab at her.

When they split or idealize/devalue, you can go from being Jesus to her on Monday to being the Devil on Tuesday, to being Jesus again on Wednesday, followed by becoming the Devil on Thursday, and if you go no contact with her, she may or may not reach out to you. If you went no contact and ghosted her when she saw you as the Devil, you may never hear from her again unless you re-initiate and make some grandiose gesture. If you were Jesus to her when you ghosted her, she will probably circle back to you fairly quickly.


Borderlines are not capable of being meaningfully helped with treatment, they are the most common disorder to become romantically infatuated and fixated on the therapist. Borderlines fall in love quickly and they often sexualize their positive feelings for the new person they are meeting, the one whom they think is the answer to their prayers and will fix their life.

Borderlines are also very prone to making false accusations once a relationship ends. They spent so long talking the guy up but now things fell apart in a dramatic fashion, so they have to explain how and why it fell apart, they cannot take ownership of the problems in the relationship.

The only safe place to be with a borderline is completely off their radar.