Revealing emotions in a romantic relationship

Wondering what y’all think is a healthy way to do this when your partner asks you how your day was. It seems that there is an aversion to this since one can emotionally process their own emotions themselves without revealing them to their partner and this creates mystery and intimacy... but another part of me says that this isn’t healthy and expressing that you feel xyz is beneficial for intimacy.

Thoughts?
 

Red Wings

Pigeon
Personally I just say I’m doing well no matter if my day was great or horrible. I’m not sure if that creates mystery. To me being mysterious would be answering the question without really answering the question, if you know what I mean.
 

Volador26

Pigeon
Wondering what y’all think is a healthy way to do this when your partner asks you how your day was. It seems that there is an aversion to this since one can emotionally process their own emotions themselves without revealing them to their partner and this creates mystery and intimacy... but another part of me says that this isn’t healthy and expressing that you feel xyz is beneficial for intimacy.

Thoughts?
I would say the answer is embrace the power of “and”. There are times when mystery is created by withholding certain details, and letting your wife/fiancée/girlfriend figure it out. But there are other times when honesty, candor, and raw (controlled) emotion is healthy. Women want an oak tree, but even the sturdiest oak tree has branches flutter in strong winds sometimes. As I’m sure you’ve found out by now, a women who puts Christ first is more concerned with your relationship with Him and what that means for you both than a secular woman who purely goes by her own emotions.

PS I always laugh when Jesse Lee Petersen asks male callers to his show who refer to their wife or girlfriend as “partner” if they are gay...since that is a androgynous term that was first used by the LGBT. But, YMMV brother. Thanks for asking a great questjon
 

kel

Ostrich
You don't want to be an emotionless robot, you just want to be a guy who isn't ruled by his emotions. Not look like that guy, be that guy. If you are that guy, then you don't need to worry. Share your successes and frustrations, in whatever level of detail is appropriate and interest, and your plans for how you're going to conquer - continue to conquer or get back on the horse and conquer - tomorrow.
 

Waverer

Robin
Great question. I am maybe the worst person to answer it as I do think I've been overly cold to women I have dated and looked back on failed relationships wondering if I could have done things differently by opening up.

I think women want the emotionally strong, resilient type - but they also love the idea of getting that type to really open up. So all cards on the table, full emotional displays early on, will come across as weak - and remove the challenge. But later on, maybe.
 

Broonkley

Chicken
Ótima pergunta. Talvez eu seja a pior pessoa para responder, pois acho que fui muito frio com as mulheres com quem namorei e relembrei relacionamentos fracassados me perguntando se eu poderia ter feito as coisas de maneira diferente abrindo-me.

Acho que as mulheres querem o tipo emocionalmente forte e resiliente - mas também amam a ideia de fazer esse tipo realmente se abrir. Portanto, todas as cartas na mesa, demonstrações emocionais completas no início, serão consideradas fracas - e eliminarão o desafio. Mas mais tarde, talvez.
Quando uma mulher pergunta algo é bom responder com sinceridade, mas não precisa falar 100% a verdade, tem coisas que é bom guardar só pra você, sabe? em um relacionamento amoroso, recomendo que você arranje um assunto, as mulheres adoram conversar.
 
Four part series featuring the writer of the Christian book for men"Wild at Heart" John Eldredge. Highly recommend the book and these videos. Eldredge discusses this topic to these young men and tells them we should first take our weaknesses to God so that we can be strong for our woman. I don't think it's ever good to reveal too much emotion, not to be stoic but just because we are meant to give God our heart first.

 
Personally I just say I’m doing well no matter if my day was great or horrible. I’m not sure if that creates mystery. To me being mysterious would be answering the question without really answering the question, if you know what I mean.
That makes sense. So it's more about just answering the question concisely if I'm hearing you correctly here.
 
I would say the answer is embrace the power of “and”. There are times when mystery is created by withholding certain details, and letting your wife/fiancée/girlfriend figure it out. But there are other times when honesty, candor, and raw (controlled) emotion is healthy. Women want an oak tree, but even the sturdiest oak tree has branches flutter in strong winds sometimes. As I’m sure you’ve found out by now, a women who puts Christ first is more concerned with your relationship with Him and what that means for you both than a secular woman who purely goes by her own emotions.

PS I always laugh when Jesse Lee Petersen asks male callers to his show who refer to their wife or girlfriend as “partner” if they are gay...since that is a androgynous term that was first used by the LGBT. But, YMMV brother. Thanks for asking a great questjon
Yeah, the "and" makes sense. I guess it really isn't disconnected. It's more about being discerning on when and where to share emotions it seems. But, yeah, the relationship with Christ is the most important factor. The closer I come to Christ, the more I'll be able to discern the correct way to live (e.g. reveal emotion) in each moment, probably.
 
Great question. I am maybe the worst person to answer it as I do think I've been overly cold to women I have dated and looked back on failed relationships wondering if I could have done things differently by opening up.

I think women want the emotionally strong, resilient type - but they also love the idea of getting that type to really open up. So all cards on the table, full emotional displays early on, will come across as weak - and remove the challenge. But later on, maybe.
Yeah, that's probably true. Making them work for the man opening up is probably what they want anyway. I usually have been more open in the past, but now I'm more closed off. Trying to find that balance and discernment based on where I'm at in my relationship (2 1/2 months into an LDR).
 
Four part series featuring the writer of the Christian book for men"Wild at Heart" John Eldredge. Highly recommend the book and these videos. Eldredge discusses this topic to these young men and tells them we should first take our weaknesses to God so that we can be strong for our woman. I don't think it's ever good to reveal too much emotion, not to be stoic but just because we are meant to give God our heart first.

I see. This makes total sense. I have to regulate my emotions in my relationship with God so that I can be strong for my woman.
 

get2choppaaa

Pelican
I don't have an issue expressing my emotional side... But it's done rarely..outside of anger, which I am working on.

I try not to over think it. Even so, if I am sad or upset I am pretty matter of fact about it. I mean if there was something that necessitated an emotional tear of joy or sorrow, I wouldn't be afraid to shed it... But generally I keep those things bottled up until it's appropriate to express, then once it's been expressed I don't bring it up again.

The gist I'm getting at is that what works for me and my personality might not work for you... And that's fine as long as you're not communicating neediness when you do express emotion and are centered in your own self esteem and control.
 
I don't have an issue expressing my emotional side... But it's done rarely..outside of anger, which I am working on.

I try not to over think it. Even so, if I am sad or upset I am pretty matter of fact about it. I mean if there was something that necessitated an emotional tear of joy or sorrow, I wouldn't be afraid to shed it... But generally I keep those things bottled up until it's appropriate to express, then once it's been expressed I don't bring it up again.

The gist I'm getting at is that what works for me and my personality might not work for you... And that's fine as long as you're not communicating neediness when you do express emotion and are centered in your own self esteem and control.
Are you saying that expression of emotion from a place of seeking validation (self esteem) or using it to manipulate (control) is a bad expression... however, expressing emotion without expectation of the outcome is bad expression? Just trying to understand this nuance more.
 

get2choppaaa

Pelican
Are you saying that expression of emotion from a place of seeking validation (self esteem) or using it to manipulate (control) is a bad expression... however, expressing emotion without expectation of the outcome is bad expression? Just trying to understand this nuance more.

My wife is very reserved as far as expressing emotions go, she's very affectionate, and not cold by any means but won't ask or bring things up and expects me to guide conversation. I like this as and her communication style compliments mine because I am very blunt.

I don't say thing to manipulate, if I feel a genuine need to express something then I will. But I try and stay a little reserved in how expressive it becomes mostly so I keep my own thoughts and feelings in check for the benefit of both of us.


For instance after we had been dating a couple months I was expressing to my wife my frustrations and how hard it is to have to fight with my ex wife about my children (I'm in litigation to get custody as she is nuts and a terrible mother). Its been like 3 years since she ran off and is living with her mom and my kids are too and I've had to fight like hell for everything, I mean I've moved on, gotten remarried, changed careers ect....Instead of displaying the degree of sorrow and pain I feel to know that my kids are the ones suffering and how hard it is for me to keep it together in spite of repeated attempts by my ex wife and her family to sabotage my time with the kids... I just said " I am really tired of this and it is weighing very heavily on me. It makes me sad to know that I am responsible in some way for the failures of the first marriage even though I didn't do anything wrong. I feel guilty but I know it's not my fault and I wish the kids didn't have to go through this, and I wish I didn't have to be the one fighting for them and I struggle with it but I am glad you're here to help me" and I haven't brought it up again. She knows how I feel, when things are not good on that front she understands if I am not on my best game while going through some of that.

So I guess part of it is being a little stoic for my own benefit because I know that I have to be reserved in my emotional expression.B ButI came from a military back ground and was an officer, so being calculated in my delivery is programed into me.

Additionally when I share heavy emotional stuff, good or bad, I try and bring aspects of my faith into perspective when I am going though something emotional to keep me reminded that all glory goes to God when things are good, and all trials and tribulations serve a point to bring us closer to him.

On the flip side, after becoming a Catechumen and she and I and all our kids being brought up in front of the Church I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and knew I was doing the right thing and God had orchestrated it, and I just listened and led the family along... I told my wife with a tear of joy or two that "I feel so blessed that we have found each other, and that she followed me to church on our second date and had followed me this far and that we are rooting out relationship as parents and out marriage in God"

So these are all things from the heart, stated succinctly, with out excessive exuberance and elation or dramatic melancholy... But that works for me.

At the end of the day, if you're with someone who is also grounded in the faith or on the same journey these questions solve themselves. For me, in the past when I was insecure or dealing with low quality women, I worried about these things ... I eventually focused on building myself up and putting my own self esteem first which took time post divorce.
 
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Volador26

Pigeon
Yeah, the "and" makes sense. I guess it really isn't disconnected. It's more about being discerning on when and where to share emotions it seems. But, yeah, the relationship with Christ is the most important factor. The closer I come to Christ, the more I'll be able to discern the correct way to live (e.g. reveal emotion) in each moment, probably.
You will, just keep Him first (something that I struggle with at times). I believe that as your faith grows, and you become the man Christ wants you to be, you’ll almost inevitably grow in mental and physical strength, and sooner or later you’ll be able to enter a true courtship where you don’t consciously have to think about how much emotion you share or not because next to God, earthly worries like trying to impress a particular woman will seem rather small.

If after prayer and discernment you believe God is calling you to be a husband, then go on whichever date comes your way with the mindset of “I’ll keep in mind what trusted friends have advised me about women, but at the end of the day I will ask God to help me be the best man I can be and go from there. If that is not enough for her, then I will learn what I can from the experience and trust that God will send the right woman for me another day if that be His will.” Sooner or later, they’ll be a Christian woman that loves you for you, to include how much or little you share emotions haha

We’re here for you man. Don’t overthink it!
 
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