I hope this is the right place for my story/question, because although it deals with covid, at its core it is actually a question about how to act as an Orthodox Christian in church in these times.
But if there is a forum more suitable for this, please let me know and I will move it there.
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I am a catechumen in the ROCOR in Germany. I commute for 2 hours to attend church.
The priest has given me the permission to join via confession (baptised RC as a child).
This is of great significance to me for I have accumulated a lot of sin in my former un-Christian life.
In Germany the churches abide by the cov measures which means disinfecting the spoon after each person, distance, marked paths on the floor, and: mask-wearing during liturgy.
When I first saw the priest wearing one while serving the Eucharist, my heart almost broke.
I wear it on my chin and focus on prayer and the iconostasis to try to distract myself from the shame I feel. So far noone said anything.
I told myself: Maybe this is what you have to endure after a life of sin to join the Church of Christ and start to heal your soul.
So my plan was to go to confession, to finally receive communion, and then to not return as long as this charade goes on - while searching for ways to receive it without a mask (almost impossible in Germany).
But my patience was weak and last Sunday I „snapped“.
The day and the night before was full of demonic attacks, so on the way to church I felt unusually weak, empty, and despondent - knowing full well it’s a sin to give in to these feelings.
On the way to church and during the liturgy snippets from talks by Roosh, Brother Augustine, Fr Heers on the topic of masks in church were almost haunting me: „Fear in the Holy Temple is unorthodox“.
The mask is a symbol of (manufactured) fear, a fear I don’t share and of which I know the evil roots.
The notion that this would be my final visit slowly started to take shape in my mind. Maybe the actual sacrifice was not the mask, but the fact that I would not be able to go to confession soon, and thus not be able to join in the way I had planned. (It was the Sunday after the feast of the Elevation of the Holy Cross)
When I entered the church, masked, and crossed myself bowing in front of the icons, a sorrowful joy came over me, and I knew, healing is right here. I calmed down.
In the middle of the liturgy I spotted a man on the other side of the church without a mask, I didn't know why he wasn't wearing one and I didn't care. As if I needed this sign I took my mask off, or more precisely, I ripped it off, praising the Lord, asking for forgiveness and mercy, but doing so unmasked, showing Him my face.
At the end of the liturgy, people cued to venerate the cross, a „security“ guy spotted me and immediately told me to put a mask on. It got tense for a moment. I refused and said that this is a lie, that I will not cover my face anymore in the House of God, but that I don’t want to cause trouble and will leave if he tells me to.
Here is where things started to get… unexpected.
He said that he had sympathy for my stance and that St Paul said not to fight among brothers in Christ, but that this church really can’t risk fines, and controls do occur (the police once came into the church screaming at people because they mistook lighting candles and praying alone in front of icons for a full liturgy..!).
However, he - btw his name is Paul (!) - didn’t want me to leave and asked me to wait by the side until the cue went away.
He waited with me and we talked about fairness towards our brothers and sisters in the church, and about whether my action was motivated by pride.
Then, to my surprise, he offered me to tell everyone that I had an exemption (which I don’t have) so I could attend unmasked without irritating the others.
Further he said that he was going to a far away monastery for a couple of days, the monastery which the priest advised me to go to as well but which I couldn’t visit because I don’t own a car, and he offered me to go with him.
So there I was, rebelling in church, being confronted by Paul, and in the end being offered things I wanted…
A few days later Paul called me to tell me that he was able to catch a monk from the monastery on the phone at first try, something that, he marveled, was almost impossible because the monks are rarely in the room where the phone is, so it normally takes days to finally catch someone.
He went on to say that although the monastery website states that masks are mandatory, they don't make anyone wear one.
Therefore, however, they don’t allow confessions out of fear of contagion.
So again, here I am, grateful to God allowing me to experience His love through others despite my rebellious act, without which I would not have experienced it..! Opening doors (exemption, monastery), closing others (confession).
Was it right what I did?
The heavy weight I felt for months, which I attributed to doubts in faith, had lifted on that day.
It was the mask, I tell myself. I made up my mind, I would avoid church and retreat online (I know Fr Heers warns about that) and finally join a forum I knew about... (-;
So now, theoratically, I can attend church mask-free.
But I can’t ignore my conflict of conscience:
The mask is a lie.
My exemption would be a lie as well.
I want to go to confession and become Orthodox at last. But I would have to partake either in the lie about my exemption or in the lie of wearing a mask in that Church, and by doing so I would go back on my „rebellion“.
What can I do?
There are no known alternatives in Germany, like I said, masks everywhere.
Also: I would like to have a based priest as my confession witness and maybe as a spiritual father later on, instead of the vaxed ones… is this the sin of pride on my side?
Thank you for reading if you did.
Have a blessed day/night.
Greetings from Weimar Germany, the sequel.
IC