Serious financial dilemma

Caractacus Potts

Kingfisher
Gold Member
I echo everything everybody else has said.

You (but mostly your father) are being used. She is using your dad's place as a home base while she travels for work. You are a pleasant distraction when she is in town. You said yourself you have spent yourself into a hole going out to eat with her even though she ears substantially more than you. Maybe she has feelings for you but my guess is that you are more of a security blanket than anything else. If she were to find a better deal (unlikely but possible) she'd be gone quickly without ever looking back.

I realize that sounds harsh but understand you can never have a normal relationship with this woman. If she were to somehow miraculously become pregnant she would be considered a geriatric pregnancy and would have a high probability of giving birth to a child with birth defects.

With all due respect to Goldin Boy, do not ask your father to add you to his credit. You have not demonstrated that you are capable of making sound decisions. Don't make another mistake and potentially jeopardize your father's future while you are in the maelstrom of emotions caused by a dysfunctional relationship.

You also have not mentioned if this woman is the same religious faith as you. This has more red flags than a Chinese Communist Parade. I almost feel like it could be a troll post. Unfortunately, I think there are too many young men like this poster and I have a feeling we will be hearing more about these types of scenarios going forward. God help us all.

Do yourself and your father a favor - excise this parasite from your lives.
 

fireshark

Kingfisher
Other Christian
Drop the woman immediately, and don't take her back under any circumstances.

Put yourself on as strict a budget as you can.

Work as many hours as you can and avoid all non-essential trips and cash lay-outs for at least 1-2 years.

You are 28. That's nothing. You can radically turn this around. You could be a homeowner with a solid job, money in the bank, and a hot 25 year old pregnant wife by the time you are 33-35.
 

magaman

Kingfisher
Orthodox Inquirer
Drop the woman immediately, and don't take her back under any circumstances.

Put yourself on as strict a budget as you can.

Work as many hours as you can and avoid all non-essential trips and cash lay-outs for at least 1-2 years.

You are 28. That's nothing. You can radically turn this around. You could be a homeowner with a solid job, money in the bank, and a hot 25 year old pregnant wife by the time you are 33-35.
Thank you, I appreciate the optimism.. Especially right now when everything is dark; bills piling up, cards maxed out, price of everything going up.. It's almost as if time itself has sped up! I know it's just my perception because of my situation but still lol
 

MichaelWitcoff

Hummingbird
Orthodox
A woman that encourages you to go into debt to “keep up with her lifestyle” doesn’t love you, doesn’t support you, and has zero concern for potentially building a traditional family with you. I’m being blunt because I can think you can take it and, more importantly, you need to hear it.

You’re right that it’s your own personal weakness that got you into this situation. For some reason, and you can probably figure this out quickly if you think about it a bit, you’ve allowed your need for her validation to completely overwhelm your sense of reason and responsibility. What looks like a financial problem is much deeper; you aren’t ready to be the leader in a relationship, which means you shouldn’t be dating her - or arguably any woman - until you heal the wounds that led you here to begin with.

Dave Ramsey is a good resource but it won’t help if you’re living irrationally and unable to follow through on decisions. I don’t know if you can, but my advice would be to dump her and get your life in order before you even think about dating again.

God grant you strength, wisdom, and healing.
 
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La Águila Negra

 
Banned
Other Christian
Interestingly enough many on this board have told you more than half a year ago already to leave this woman behind and not look back.

I just hope that this time the message sticks and there won't be any relapses.

An additional, genuine question. How do you feel when you walk into one of the restaurants you like to frequent and by your side is a washed up, 40 year old short brown woman who gives off clear transactional vibes?

I'd personally be too ashamed to even look people in the eyes. I think in your case there might be serious issues with your self-worth. Your partner in a way reflects your view of your self and what you are worth in terms of women.

Standards, self-respect and dignity my friend.

The previous discussion can be found here.

 

get2choppaaa

Hummingbird
Orthodox
I am currently in the midst of financial turmoil. I have racked up a lot of debt through student loans and credit cards, trying to keep up with the lifestyle of others such as my girlfriend, who has not been the best influence but I know ultimately the fault is mine. Reality is setting in and it's time to start making some serious changes. To give you an idea of how much the debt in total is, it is five digits. Tens of thousands of dollars I owe right now and the job I have currently doesn't pay too well but I'm keeping my eyes open for other opportunities.

The turmoil has affected my mood to the point that I can't think about or enjoy much besides the thought of being in a better financial position and hoping that better days loom over the horizon. My mind has shifted to a darker place lately and I feel it was a mistake to allow my girlfriend back into my life, as much as I do love the girl and want whats best for her. With her, she makes more money than anyone I've ever known but I've noticed when it comes to me, she pinches her pennies a little bit and won't really help too much if I don't pressure her immensely to. I have noticed though that she splurges when it comes to shopping, going out, food, traveling, doing activities that she wants to do.. She's also not very open to me financially and her plans are ever changing, another source of frustration when it comes to planning life in general because every day I ask her, her plans change and it makes it harder on me to know what to expect and it also makes it harder on me that she's living here at my Dad's house with me, which was not the original plan.

At this point, I'm not so much asking "what do I need to do?" because I know what I need to do. It's just finding the opportunity that will allow to make some decent coin working long hours, as many days a week as I can handle so that way I can start fixing my life. It just feels like a deep hole that I'm in and I need to be sure that I'm using the right tools to get out because I can say so far that I haven't been using the right tools and I've been doing a lot of "putting the cart before the horse" type of things and I really don't want to resort to "borrowing money from Peter to pay Paul" type of stuff. Most people have money issues so it's hard to talk to people about it. My father doesn't really know the extent of which I'm struggling and my girlfriend knows somewhat about my problems but is rather dismissive and not very merciful about them. Again, there has been outside influences to my problems but reality has set in and it's ultimately my fault for making bad decisions and allowing these things to happen.

I just like to think of everything I'm going through right now, this struggle is just another test from God. Perhaps he wants to see if I'm really about what I think I'm about and talk to others about being about and maybe the previous tests were just warm-ups. He wouldn't put me through anything I can't handle right?
Harsh love inbound. I mean the below with love and not contempt:

It sounds toxic. You dont sound secure, financially or emotionally.

You need to lose the girl. Atleast based off of how you present it,... she sounds selfish. If she isnt and its all a cope, to present her like the problem.... thats an issue also.

You need to get your priorities correct. You need to find your testicular fortitude. Can't do that in your family's basement with a woman who isnt there to support you and doesnt care.

Let me give you a parallel from a divorced, then remarried guy:

When I open my mouth about a problem (this is rare btw, cant be a winy man and think women will respect you), with my ex wife you'd find a reason to blame me or dismisss it.

My wife now stops what she's doing and hangs on every word until we solve a problem....

Frankly you need out and independence from your dad. your girl. and your general state of mind.


Good luck sir!
 

C-Note

Hummingbird
Other Christian
Gold Member
My sister gave me good advice when I was in a tough situation like this. She said, "Spock it." In other words, imagine that you're Spock from the original Star Trek and act like you think he would. If you've never watched the original ST series, Spock was a cold, no-nonsense character who was ruthlessly dedicated to only doing something that was clearly logical, with no room for sentiment or emotional influences on his decision-making. When you're in a situation in which your basic needs are threatened, then there isn't room for anything else.

If your Dad likes your girlfriend, he may not support you in telling her to move out. You'll have to find a way to do it and hold firm with it. Your girlfriend may use various techniques to resist having to leave, such as appealing to your Dad, trying to get your shared social circle to pressure or shame you, etc., but you'll have to hold firm. Offer to help her move, of course, instead of just throwing her stuff out in the yard. I guess that may be a version of "It's not you, honey, it's me. I need to get my life in order and I can't do it with you here." kind of thing.

As far as saving money on food, if you'll check the Living General and Health topics in this forum, you'll see there are plenty of threads on how to eat cheaply and healthy at home. There's the thread on soups and stews that I started a while ago, for example. Cooking up a big pot of soup or stew will use less than $10 of ingredients, but will provide enough food for you and your Dad to last a couple of days.

Whatever you do for a living, I would say its about time you upgraded your career prospects also. Do you work in a trade? How about getting a new certification or skill so you can get an upgrade in your salary. Are you an office worker? Finish whatever certification you need to upgrade your resume, such as project management, network administrator, or whatever it is. Once you're out of debt and have advanced in your career, you'll find that women in your social circle and the ones you encounter in your daily life will start throwing you IOIs, and you can get a new girlfriend fairly easily.

For what it's worth.
 

inthefade

Kingfisher
Orthodox Inquirer
@magaman

1. Immediately drop the girlfriend.
2. Create a physical paper budget and stick to it. Use cash only if you must. As dave ramsay would say, "rice & beans".
3. Increase your income. Deliver pizzas at night and weekends. Mow lawns. Do amazon deliveries. etc.
4. Obviously destroy your credit cards and stop using them.

You're going to have to go without any luxuries for a while, but it's really not that bad.
 

TheosisSeeker

Robin
Orthodox Catechumen
She (and I) both save on money by living here and when she originally moved here, the plan was to look for a place but that soon turned into her doing travel nursing, which makes more money but threw a wrench in everything else. I broke up with her a few months ago because I'd had enough of trying to meet her halfway with her lifestyle (which is a huge reason why I'm debt) but then she came back and told me she had changed her plans and wanted to live in the same city as me again. So I took her back and for a couple weeks she had seemed pretty serious about that plan. Now it's back to her wanting to go and do traveling again, after she had led my Dad and tried to lead me into thinking that she was going to stay grounded here. I took what she had said with a grain of salt but my Dad believed her and got mad at me my problems with her. I didn't appreciate it but he's not mad now like he was a few weeks ago so he's in passive mode right now.

Eating out is a bad habit of mine but I've tried to make the best of it, like ordering cheap combos and dollar menu items. Sadly with inflation raising food prices, it seems "they" get you either way, unless you resort to eating stuff like rice and beans, spam, ramen noodles etc which honestly aren't bad and I may have to resort to this. My girl would definitely be cool with it but she's one that has very high expectations and I feel that no matter what I do, I'll never be exceptional or what she "wants me to be". She's 40 and I'm only 28 so I'm kind of the "young hot guy" to her that she'd like to keep but let's be honest here; Everyone reading this knows that I can and probably do deserve better or at the very least somebody that I am equally yoked with. Heck, I think she does too.

You're being played brother. If she is making lots of coin and she probably is relative to you since she's older, she should be funding you not the other way around. I know it's tough to break the connection once it's there, but long term I fail to see how this can work out. I see her as calculating by staying with you I assume for free at your dads place and penny pinching.

She's saving up for a big move...and newsflash you are probably not in it.
 

Good_Shepherd

Woodpecker
Orthodox Catechumen
I have been in and out of bad financial situations & what you going through is just a debt problem, the reality is nothing actually happens if you are in debt, you dont go to jail and you live a pretty normal life, you can eat, you can have a roof under your head, you can drive a car, you can work etc etc its not the end of the world its not like in the old days where they would sell you into slavery. If your debt if really bad and you cant pay it anymore (at the moment) just inform the banks and your creditors, yes in the long run you can get blacklisted but eventually that clears too, they will eventually write off your debt and maybe even come to a settlement agreement. Yes woman do tend to be more materialistic and want to spend more & above their means etc Iv experienced that (they seem to improve a little as they mature), I personally wouldnt choose to marry a woman who earns more than me I see that as a problem, when men earn they say "our money" when woman earn they say "my money" and they will use that againt you its not a good situation plus you want a wife that wants to be a mother and raise your kids, I would recommend you make sure your girlfriend lives according to your budget only and explain the financial situation to her, I wish you all the best and hope to hear how things turned out some years later
 

Tippy

Kingfisher
Other Christian
I don't really understand the student loan situation in the USA. In the UK, you only have to pay it off after earning a certain amount of money. It is basically like a tax for people who earn a certain amount. Having the debt doesn't make that much difference to your life. Is it different in the US? Can you not just live your life and pay off the debt in small amounts when you can?
 

canuckj

Woodpecker
Other Christian
First, I am truly glad we can discuss our problems and get advice from people here. The old Return of Kings commenters would just rip people to pieces. For my experiences I have been down the path of an older woman (7 years older) and it was a disaster. Walk away now as nothing good can come of this. Work on your finances first. As you get older this is harder or almost impossible to fix. Do you really want to be a guy in your 40s with a net worth of 100 K or less? Also there and it really sucks. The pizza delivery bit seems appealing. My hope and prayers are with you.
 

joost

Pelican
You're in a relationship you can't afford.

The only restaurant you should enter is the one you work in it. Learn how to live with the least expenses as possible:

- Rent shouldn't be more than 25% of your salary. Rent a room if your girlfriend is not sharing rent.
- Learn how to cook.
- Do activities that are free. Ride a bicycle, canoeing, trekking, running, etc. It's also a perfect excuse to keep a girlfriend in shape.
- Do you have friends with a nice patio you could go out for the weekends to have some drinks and maybe do a BBQ? That's cheaper than going out and paying $15 for a single drink.

Don't increase your lifestyle spending unless you start making more money.
 

Stadtaffe

Kingfisher
Orthodox
Gold Member
@magaman listen to everyone's good advice here on the girl.

Does not sound either like she is begging for or planning for a child either which may have made it more real. Women can be quite manipulative and I suspect the older ones on the cusp of menopause more so, Asians and Filipinos more so again. A friend of mine is currently in court with a woman from those islands. You are playing with fire, give yourself a sporting chance to have a better life while you are still young. The older you get the harder these things get to fix.

As for the debt, I can't really help have not had that problem. Only I knew two people with that problem, one was about 2k in debt, the other 20k. But they were so crazy in the head those two they had no hope, one of them was contemplating where he could move to safely declare himself bankrupt and wait the required number of years for his debt to go away. That is an option but probably only as a last resort one.

One thing I could say about those two living in minus is it much affected their happiness and lives so hope you manage to pay it off or escape it somehow.
 

Tippy

Kingfisher
Other Christian
I know I sound naive here but assuming you organise some sort of plan to pay it off, it is just like an extra tax? It isn't a good thing at all but how does it stop you from enjoying your life etc...? So long as you are slowly paying it off, no one really expects it to be done within a certain time frame, why does it really matter? As long as you've paid your X amount per month towards your debts, you can still do enjoyable activities as well, no?

However, I do not know the specifics of the situation or how this debt works in the US.
 

BlastbeatCasanova

Kingfisher
You have no business dating a 40 year old woman. I don't care how hot she is. You're entering your prime and if you're going to deal with a washed up broad that is past hers then you should at least be getting some financial perks out of it. Dump her, kick her out, block her on everything. She is part of if not the main reason why you're in this situation in the first place.

I say this as someone who is recently single and having financial issues. Get ready to sit with your lonliness and deal with it, and work on your money. At least you have cheap rent...I'd say minus the debt you might be in a somewhat better spot than me. And as others have said, you're only 28, drop her and solve this issue so you can move forward and progress with your life.
 

jamdef

 
Banned
Protestant
He does charge rent but it's way less than what I would pay to rent an apartment or a house

She is older, makes more money, and is not a relative. She should pay at least half the rent.

Simple solution: Ask daddy to double the rent and make her pay half. Then use her rent money to pay down your debt. If she leaves, good riddance!

By the time you pay your debts, she will be unable to have children. She will not be a suitable wife. She knows it - you are just a cougar's fling. A 28-year-old man should not be paying for a toxic casual relationship with a 40-year-old. You should be working on yourself and forming healthy relationships with women in their twenties.

Here is your future. You could try to make this relationship work, and break up at age 32. Then, you will have a few failed attempts at relationships because you have no experience in a spiritually nurturing relationship. You will be in your mid-thirties before you are emotionally mature and ready for marriage. By then, most of the good, feminine women will be married, with kids. You can then find a divorcee and raise her kids. Or you can start meeting young women now, and form a good marriage in a few years.
 

NarrowTruth

Chicken
Orthodox Inquirer
I am currently in the midst of financial turmoil. I have racked up a lot of debt through student loans and credit cards, trying to keep up with the lifestyle of others such as my girlfriend, who has not been the best influence but I know ultimately the fault is mine. Reality is setting in and it's time to start making some serious changes. To give you an idea of how much the debt in total is, it is five digits. Tens of thousands of dollars I owe right now and the job I have currently doesn't pay too well but I'm keeping my eyes open for other opportunities.

The turmoil has affected my mood to the point that I can't think about or enjoy much besides the thought of being in a better financial position and hoping that better days loom over the horizon. My mind has shifted to a darker place lately and I feel it was a mistake to allow my girlfriend back into my life, as much as I do love the girl and want whats best for her. With her, she makes more money than anyone I've ever known but I've noticed when it comes to me, she pinches her pennies a little bit and won't really help too much if I don't pressure her immensely to. I have noticed though that she splurges when it comes to shopping, going out, food, traveling, doing activities that she wants to do.. She's also not very open to me financially and her plans are ever changing, another source of frustration when it comes to planning life in general because every day I ask her, her plans change and it makes it harder on me to know what to expect and it also makes it harder on me that she's living here at my Dad's house with me, which was not the original plan.

At this point, I'm not so much asking "what do I need to do?" because I know what I need to do. It's just finding the opportunity that will allow to make some decent coin working long hours, as many days a week as I can handle so that way I can start fixing my life. It just feels like a deep hole that I'm in and I need to be sure that I'm using the right tools to get out because I can say so far that I haven't been using the right tools and I've been doing a lot of "putting the cart before the horse" type of things and I really don't want to resort to "borrowing money from Peter to pay Paul" type of stuff. Most people have money issues so it's hard to talk to people about it. My father doesn't really know the extent of which I'm struggling and my girlfriend knows somewhat about my problems but is rather dismissive and not very merciful about them. Again, there has been outside influences to my problems but reality has set in and it's ultimately my fault for making bad decisions and allowing these things to happen.

I just like to think of everything I'm going through right now, this struggle is just another test from God. Perhaps he wants to see if I'm really about what I think I'm about and talk to others about being about and maybe the previous tests were just warm-ups. He wouldn't put me through anything I can't handle right?
Biblically — If you've slept with her, you are married (see Rebekah and Isaac). Tell her it's time for a wedding feast to celebrate with family, friends, and the church your one-flesh under God. Say we then need to get all the legal paperwork squared away (modern marriage license from State) so you can protect her in this fallen world of cut-throats, doctors, and bankers.

There is marriage and then their is temple prostitution. If you find yourself with a women that is looking to usurp you and not let you lead, then cut it loose, pray for forgiveness of sleeping with the Temple Prostitute (and being one yourself), and then start seeking God's guidance on refining you. He will bring a help-mate into your life that will be perfect for your exact situtation.

Blessings in King Jesus.
 

magaman

Kingfisher
Orthodox Inquirer
Thank you everyone for all the advice and guidance, it is much appreciated.. I do have a couple good updates for you guys;

My debt is not as serious as I thought. I thought at first I owed all the money for my recent education attempt but I do not; I would have only owed for one class but my former employer had actually covered that so I only owe a couple hundred for some books I bought. That’s a lot better than ~$40K, lol. So I only owe around $11K for the other school I went to last year and a few grand for credit cards. Still not good but not anywhere near what I had originally thought. I would say it’s no longer “serious” but “semi-serious”

I also landed a new job that I started last week. It’s through a temporary agency but it could very well lead to a job with the city working on the beach. Would be good for me because I like being at the beach anyway. Lots of work here because it’s the busy season in the small beach town I’m working in. From now until at least September.

About the girl, something’s gotta happen. I feel like she’s come in between me and my Dad and caused me to be frustrated and think bad things towards him when in reality she has created a lot of these problems. Him and I have been great and on the same page lately so there’s no problems between us anymore. I was angry before but it’s resolved now. She hasn’t changed and I’m not changing me and my life for someone who just isn’t taking me for who I am. Especially when this new opportunity I have would be a great direction for me. Before I tried to end things on good terms and not burn any bridges and hopefully I can still do it that way but if I have to then I will end it in a not so good way and be harsh.
 

GuitarVH

Pelican
Orthodox Inquirer
When this relationship ends, which it will, there will be some temporary emotional pain and loneliness. There is no avoiding that, just accept it and be prepared for it. Make it happen on your terms, not hers. If it's on her terms, it will be harder for you to deal with.

You gotta get yourself out of this relationship ASAP.

Ditch this chick based on YOUR timetable as soon as humanly possible.
 
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