Should I Be Actively Searching for a Woman?

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
I've been thinking about why it seems so difficult for me to meet quality women. For a while now, I've thought that the best way to meet a good-quality woman was to just come across one by chance while going about my daily activities.

Yes, I'm aware that the majority of women in the US probably aren't marriage material, but I was wondering if I should be actively searching.

Due to my lifestyle, I don't have many opportunities to meet women. I live out in the country, and I spend most of my free time at home. The only time I actually go out is either to work or shop for groceries.

Online dating isn't a good idea, so the only way I can think of to meet more women is to go out more. However, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to do something solely to meet women.

If I don't factor women into the equation, I don't really want to engage in social activities since most of what I do at home takes priority. Plus, many activities are hampered by having to wear masks and social distance.

And before anyone asks, yes, my intention is to find a woman to marry and have children with.

What I'm really asking is, should I actually put effort into looking for my future wife, or should I just continue to go about my life as usual and keep my eyes open?

I have no problem with living the rest of my life as a celibate if that's what God wishes for me, but I don't expect Him to hand my future wife to me on a silver platter without me putting in any effort whatsoever.
 

Blade Runner

Pelican
I think doing certain activities to enhance the probability of a meet is smart or else it won't happen. But I must admit that the cultural aspects of America (where I am) also reinforce the futility in bothering: an old woman will just be a partner, she won't be particularly interesting to me because if I have to sacrifice for a woman it will really only seem worth if I have a family with her, and finally that setup seems only worth it if she is fairly young. You can get the older, demanding type in America (the one that is sick of working and of course wants your money) but none of the other options very easily if at all. Sadly, it seems to me to be foreign or bust at this point.

The thing that also invigorates you if you do go outside the country is that you realize all of a sudden that you don't have to make this crazy effort and kill yourself setting things up, trying xyz, it is far more effortless. You just have to be savvy, have a backbone, and make clear what you want. Period.
 
It sounds like a cliche but the second I stopped looking and told myself I would only accept a woman who met my standards or I'd go without, I met my wife. Without going into detail, our meeting could be described as amazingly good luck. Had it happened earlier or possibly even later, it wouldn't have happened. There's more to that story obviously but it's almost uncanny how it happened.

Take that for what you will. I advise young men to put themselves where there are good women but that's not how I met my wife.
 

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
Instead of asking about finding a quality woman, ask yourself: "Would I make a quality husband?"

I would like to think that yes, I would make a good husband. I say that as humbly as possible. At the same time, I realize that my perception of myself is probably better than I actually am. I may not be perfect, but I'm only 25 (nearly 26), and I've been improving myself for several years now. I'm still working on making myself the best potential husband possible.

Personally, I believe that I will be ready to marry and have children within a year or two from now. The only things that may get in the way are my ambitions, but I'm working on balancing that with the rest of my life.

I think doing certain activities to enhance the probability of a meet is smart or else it won't happen. But I must admit that the cultural aspects of America (where I am) also reinforce the futility in bothering: an old woman will just be a partner, she won't be particularly interesting to me because if I have to sacrifice for a woman it will really only seem worth if I have a family with her, and finally that setup seems only worth it if she is fairly young. You can get the older, demanding type in America (the one that is sick of working and of course wants your money) but none of the other options very easily if at all. Sadly, it seems to me to be foreign or bust at this point.

The thing that also invigorates you if you do go outside the country is that you realize all of a sudden that you don't have to make this crazy effort and kill yourself setting things up, trying xyz, it is far more effortless. You just have to be savvy, have a backbone, and make clear what you want. Period.

Yes, I'm aware of this problem. I have considered foreign women in the past. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like it will be possible to travel to other countries anymore without taking the vaccine or at least taking a COVID test, and the swab tests have something bad in them too.

It sounds like a cliche but the second I stopped looking and told myself I would only accept a woman who met my standards or I'd go without, I met my wife. Without going into detail, our meeting could be described as amazingly good luck. Had it happened earlier or possibly even later, it wouldn't have happened. There's more to that story obviously but it's almost uncanny how it happened.

Take that for what you will. I advise young men to put themselves where there are good women but that's not how I met my wife.

That is very encouraging. I remember a couple of other men on this forum said the same thing: when they stopped looking for their future wife, they found her. In the past, I considered settling for less than what I wanted, but now I'm determined not to settle.
 

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
You mentioned God but said you only go out for work and groceries. Do you go to church?

No, I don't. As a child, I didn't go to church. My parents were both raised Catholics, but later they fell out of the Catholic church. They didn't think it was necessary to go to church.

After I grew older and became stronger in my faith, I considered going to church, but there were a couple of obstacles in the way.

One was my job. I work a weekend shift which includes Sunday.

The other obstacle was finding a good church. I attended a church service (I believe it was a Baptist church) not too long ago, and it had a very lukewarm atmosphere. The only person that seemed to take the service seriously was the pastor!

I realize that not every church is like that, but it did make me lose interest a bit. I would probably prefer a more serious church, like a Catholic or an Orthodox church.

Then of course is the problem of finding a church that doesn't force you to wear a mask. Many of the churches in my area require their congregation to wear masks and social distance. I'm not sure how other members of this forum deal with that, but it does seem silly to wear a Satanic mask in a place to worship God.

However, I do realize that church is an important part of being a Christian, and a church could have young women that are virtuous and single, so perhaps I should adjust my work schedule and join one.
 

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
How old are you? If you're under 27, certainly under 30, I'd recommend only passively looking for women and use your real energy on becoming the man a woman would be proud to call hers.

If you're closer to my age, well......

This is another thing I've been wondering about. A lot of people in the hustle culture encourage men to focus on their careers and businesses in their 20s and marry later in their 30s and 40s. However, I've heard other people say that it is better for people to marry younger. Should only women marry younger?

I'm almost 26 years old, so maybe I am jumping the gun a bit. Right now, I'm focusing on paying off my house, studying to get a better job to save up money faster, and working on creating a business that involves my passion, music.

Perhaps it would be better to put off the idea of finding someone to marry for now. It would certainly be better from a material standpoint if I married after I finished working on all these goals. I'm not sure if I would be able to devote enough time to a marriage if I were working on all those things while having a family.

Also, waiting would give me more time to become a more attractive prospect to women, but I do wonder at what point I should consider myself ready for marriage.
 

Blade Runner

Pelican
How old are you? If you're under 27, certainly under 30, I'd recommend only passively looking for women and use your real energy on becoming the man a woman would be proud to call hers.

If you're closer to my age, well......
I forgot what range you're in kel --- I generally agree with your advice to the others, the problem is that (as you know) the social connections start running out at age 30, even if you do really well. Even for American standards I'm quite successful and I go to church, etc mostly now as I'm closer to 40 I still only hear about connections (most don't even actually materialize) for women who are early to mid 30s. I just smile and laugh internally.

I'm not looking for a wife and I haven't found her. I probably passed a few along the way that could have worked out, but religious and cultural things are hard in multicultural America especially if you are a minority religion like EO
 
The other obstacle was finding a good church. I attended a church service (I believe it was a Baptist church) not too long ago, and it had a very lukewarm atmosphere. The only person that seemed to take the service seriously was the pastor!
It took us quite a while to find a church where we are being taught, and not just going through the motions in that "lukewarm" environment you described. However, consider giving a prospective church more than one visit, and try different service times. Pastors are human, and could just be having an off day. It wasn't until the second or third Sunday that I realized we were in the right place.
 

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
It took us quite a while to find a church where we are being taught, and not just going through the motions in that "lukewarm" environment you described. However, consider giving a prospective church more than one visit, and try different service times. Pastors are human, and could just be having an off day. It wasn't until the second or third Sunday that I realized we were in the right place.
I agree with you. I will give churches I attend in the future more consideration and not rule them out so quickly.

I could also find an online church service to watch or participate in. That wouldn't really help with meeting women, but that's not the main reason for going to church anyway.
 

kel

Ostrich
I forgot what range you're in kel --- I generally agree with your advice to the others, the problem is that (as you know) the social connections start running out at age 30, even if you do really well.
Indeed, it's a challenge having that "organic" meeting (not that that's necessarily the best, but it is "normal" in many ways) with a young (healthy childbearing years) woman (to say nothing of one of good repute) when you're a bit older like you and I are. I do okay there, but then there's a sort of generational divide. It can be a bit strange, and all this on top of pivoting from hookup culture to looking for meaningful, durable relationships. I often feel like I'm doing something new to me, even though I've "dated" like a maniac for most of my life, very strange feeling. I got very good at a game that I don't really want to play, I'm surrounded by women who I probably could seduce and who are more game for it than ever and am now digging through that haystack trying to find something worth the time.
 

NoMoreTO

Ostrich
...
I'm almost 26 years old, so maybe I am jumping the gun a bit. Right now, I'm focusing on paying off my house, studying to get a better job to save up money faster, and working on creating a business that involves my passion, music.

Perhaps it would be better to put off the idea of finding someone to marry for now. It would certainly be better from a material standpoint if I married after I finished working on all these goals. I'm not sure if I would be able to devote enough time to a marriage if I were working on all those things while having a family.

Also, waiting would give me more time to become a more attractive prospect to women, but I do wonder at what point I should consider myself ready for marriage.

Your stock will hold strong well into your 30s. But I still think it is better to find a young girl, innocent, good.

You should be looking, how could a young man wanting a family not be looking, but you should also be acting. Be ready, when you see a girl you are interested in, be confident and make a move.

Stay focused on your faith, this will give you alot of confidence because you know that you are a good man in a world where there aren't many. Also, continue to pursue your business goals, paying down your mortgage and fixing up your house - but ultimately you want these things to be able to provide. Remember to have fun too, get out there with friends, try and expand your social circle, spend time out in parks with books, try and reduce time on the phone / computer.
 
No, I don't. As a child, I didn't go to church. My parents were both raised Catholics, but later they fell out of the Catholic church. They didn't think it was necessary to go to church.

After I grew older and became stronger in my faith, I considered going to church, but there were a couple of obstacles in the way.

One was my job. I work a weekend shift which includes Sunday.

The other obstacle was finding a good church. I attended a church service (I believe it was a Baptist church) not too long ago, and it had a very lukewarm atmosphere. The only person that seemed to take the service seriously was the pastor!

I realize that not every church is like that, but it did make me lose interest a bit. I would probably prefer a more serious church, like a Catholic or an Orthodox church.

Then of course is the problem of finding a church that doesn't force you to wear a mask. Many of the churches in my area require their congregation to wear masks and social distance. I'm not sure how other members of this forum deal with that, but it does seem silly to wear a Satanic mask in a place to worship God.

However, I do realize that church is an important part of being a Christian, and a church could have young women that are virtuous and single, so perhaps I should adjust my work schedule and join one.

I found my church off website I posted below. Any independent, KJV-only Baptist church is going to be serious. You might have been at a Southern Baptist or another with a hierarchy. We don't wear masks and I can tell you hardly any that you find off this site will wear them. I know that because i was recently at a preacher's conference where i got to meet a bunch of pastors at various independent Baptist churches and none of their congregations wear masks. Suggestion though: don't call or email about whether they are wearing masks. The churches that aren't will not be forthcoming abouy that for obvious reasons, and might assume you are just trying to get them in trouble.

These churches are mostly small. Mine has about 50 people per week, 100ish total in the congregation. So it's really tightknit, you get to know people's families. A couple of the men have suggested I should meet their daughters. I'm fairly positive I will meet my future wife from the extended family of the church but I am recently getting out of an engagement and frankly I don't have my shit together yet. Still, it's nice knowing that when I'm ready, there are traditional, true Christian women that I won't have to go out of my way to court for marriage. Yes, you absolutely must be in a church, and go often, to after church events and such. Make it your family.



 
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Bright_Sun

Pigeon
Please come back to the Catholic church and go to the Mass. You may be interested in SSPX chapels.

I found my church off website I posted below. Any independent, KJV-only Baptist church is going to be serious. You might have been at a Southern Baptist or another with a hierarchy. We don't wear masks and I can tell you hardly any that you find off this site will wear them. I know that because i was recently at a preacher's conference where i got to meet a bunch of pastors at various independent Baptist churches and none of their congregations wear masks. Suggestion though: don't call or email about whether they are wearing masks. The churches that aren't will not be forthcoming abouy that for obvious reasons, and might assume you are just trying to get them in trouble.

These churches are mostly small. Mine has about 50 people per week, 100ish total in the congregation. So it's really tightknit, you get to know people's families. A couple of the men have suggested I should meet their daughters. I'm fairly positive I will meet my future wife from the extended family of the church but I am recently getting out of an engagement and frankly I don't have my shit together yet. Still, it's nice knowing that when I'm ready, there are traditional, true Christian women that I won't have to go out of my way to court for marriage. Yes, you absolutely must be in a church, and go often, to after church events and such. Make it your family.




I was kind of expecting this answer, and I agree with you both. A church with a devout congregation is one of the best places to meet virtuous women. I'll do some more research into this. Guess I'll start thinking about switching my job's schedule.

Thank you for the website as well. There are quite a few churches listed near me.

Your stock will hold strong well into your 30s. But I still think it is better to find a young girl, innocent, good.

You should be looking, how could a young man wanting a family not be looking, but you should also be acting. Be ready, when you see a girl you are interested in, be confident and make a move.

Stay focused on your faith, this will give you alot of confidence because you know that you are a good man in a world where there aren't many. Also, continue to pursue your business goals, paying down your mortgage and fixing up your house - but ultimately you want these things to be able to provide. Remember to have fun too, get out there with friends, try and expand your social circle, spend time out in parks with books, try and reduce time on the phone / computer.

Thank you. I suppose I should be going out more to meet like-mind people, not necessarily to meet women. It's all about that balance between work and fun that I'm still trying to find.
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
No, I don't. As a child, I didn't go to church. My parents were both raised Catholics, but later they fell out of the Catholic church. They didn't think it was necessary to go to church.

After I grew older and became stronger in my faith, I considered going to church, but there were a couple of obstacles in the way.

One was my job. I work a weekend shift which includes Sunday.

The other obstacle was finding a good church. I attended a church service (I believe it was a Baptist church) not too long ago, and it had a very lukewarm atmosphere. The only person that seemed to take the service seriously was the pastor!

I realize that not every church is like that, but it did make me lose interest a bit. I would probably prefer a more serious church, like a Catholic or an Orthodox church.

Then of course is the problem of finding a church that doesn't force you to wear a mask. Many of the churches in my area require their congregation to wear masks and social distance. I'm not sure how other members of this forum deal with that, but it does seem silly to wear a Satanic mask in a place to worship God.

However, I do realize that church is an important part of being a Christian, and a church could have young women that are virtuous and single, so perhaps I should adjust my work schedule and join one.
Since you said you could be content if God didn't give you a wife, then you would seemingly to me, lack the fire and drive to go look anywhere you can to find a wife. Yes, we are commanded to be content, but that doesn't mean a single man or woman should just let things play out. The Bible tells us to be diligent and hardworking and I think that would apply to finding a wife.

At 53 I had been searching for someone for 30 years already but I could not say I was content and I didn't see how that was even possible. That means being content without sex and companionship, which to me was intolerable. I didn't feel like I was sinning although I was often miserable, but I avoided porn or sex. Now married (from overseas) I now enjoy the stability and pleasure and relaxation of having a wife,

Waiting is necessary but so is hustling and praying for what we believe GOD wants for us. Like 1 Corinithians 7 says it is good for a man not to touch (sex) a woman, nevertheless to avoid fornication let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband.

If fornication is not an issue, then it would seem marriage wouldn't be a necessity.
 

FrancisK

Kingfisher
Gold Member
In my culture you HAVE to get married, not having a family with kids is considered very shameful.....old school boater Catholics. Every time I see my aunts they say "when are you getting married I have a girl for you".....over and over.

I was engaged once, I did all the right things, we met through friends, same culture, she came from a good family like mine, our families knew each others lineage, I was a good man for her and honored her like my future wife in every way, completely invested myself into our future marriage 100% as I felt any good man should do and would be rewarded by his good woman....it was a perfect match on paper. But even so I will tell you honestly that half of it was for doing the "right" thing and not exactly pure love, but hey that's how our parents did it and they made it work pretty darn well...."divorce" is a very dirty word in our culture.

Turns out it was all fake, found out a few months before the wedding she was cheating on me the whole time.....6 years prime of my youth down the drain I made every sacrifice and she had made NONE. Everyone was completely shocked she was completely living a double life, well my family and hers anyway, my father made me swear on a bible not to tell anyone and destroy her and her families name. My life was completely shattered and flipped upside down it was beyond devastating.

There is a much longer story that goes with all of it but I will tell you what I tell all of my younger cousins who ask me. If you love her and she loves you, you can't live without each other and don't want anything else....by all means God Bless you go get married. If it's for any other reason then don't do it, these aren't our mothers or even our older sisters anymore......

I hate to tell someone that who is looking to start a family because to me that is the point of life but it's the truth and what I learned the very very hard way. Thank God I didn't marry her.
 
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