Should I Be Actively Searching for a Woman?

FrancisK

Kingfisher
Gold Member
Why not destroy her and her family's name? She earned it, and others deserve to know.

If they ask, I'm not saying shout it from the rooftops. Hiding shit promotes deception, as she did with you. Bad example by your dad.

I disagree entirely but I understand your opinion. I wanted to when it happened but I’m happy I didn’t now with a clear head.

Trust me people knew in the end anyway and if I had done that it would have reflected on me just as poorly, very low class thing to do. My father was saving my honor and not letting me be at her level, it worked.

Hate to put it this way but it may just be something you don’t understand, a cultural thing.
 

Zanardi

Woodpecker
I would say to actively search for a woman, because of many reasons:
  1. You have a higher chance to find a girl that you like;
  2. God puts women in front of you daily. You just have to pay a little attention;
  3. It's not about how much do you think you will be a good husband, it is about how much she thinks that and for what kind of women you are a good husband for.
 

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
Since you said you could be content if God didn't give you a wife, then you would seemingly to me, lack the fire and drive to go look anywhere you can to find a wife. Yes, we are commanded to be content, but that doesn't mean a single man or woman should just let things play out. The Bible tells us to be diligent and hardworking and I think that would apply to finding a wife.

At 53 I had been searching for someone for 30 years already but I could not say I was content and I didn't see how that was even possible. That means being content without sex and companionship, which to me was intolerable. I didn't feel like I was sinning although I was often miserable, but I avoided porn or sex. Now married (from overseas) I now enjoy the stability and pleasure and relaxation of having a wife,

Waiting is necessary but so is hustling and praying for what we believe GOD wants for us. Like 1 Corinithians 7 says it is good for a man not to touch (sex) a woman, nevertheless to avoid fornication let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband.

If fornication is not an issue, then it would seem marriage wouldn't be a necessity.

Part of the issue is feeling like I don't have enough time since I feel like work, studying, money, etc. takes priority right now.

I do agree that I should be more active in looking. To be completely frank, part of my desire for marrying is my desire for sex. It's difficult to let go of the idea of sex and companionship entirely.

But I have been working on tempering my sexual desire, so I feel I can either marry or remain celibate. I suppose I'll treat my endeavor like any other in life: pray to God for guidance and give my best effort as well.

In my culture you HAVE to get married, not having a family with kids is considered very shameful.....old school boater Catholics. Every time I see my aunts they say "when are you getting married I have a girl for you".....over and over.

I was engaged once, I did all the right things, we met through friends, same culture, she came from a good family like mine, our families knew each others lineage, I was a good man for her and honored her like my future wife in every way, completely invested myself into our future marriage 100% as I felt any good man should do and would be rewarded by his good woman....it was a perfect match on paper. But even so I will tell you honestly that half of it was for doing the "right" thing and not exactly pure love, but hey that's how our parents did it and they made it work pretty darn well...."divorce" is a very dirty word in our culture.

Turns out it was all fake, found out a few months before the wedding she was cheating on me the whole time.....6 years prime of my youth down the drain I made every sacrifice and she had made NONE. Everyone was completely shocked she was completely living a double life, well my family and hers anyway, my father made me swear on a bible not to tell anyone and destroy her and her families name. My life was completely shattered and flipped upside down it was beyond devastating.

There is a much longer story that goes with all of it but I will tell you what I tell all of my younger cousins who ask me. If you love her and she loves you, you can't live without each other and don't want anything else....by all means God Bless you go get married. If it's for any other reason then don't do it, these aren't our mothers or even our older sisters anymore......

I hate to tell someone that who is looking to start a family because to me that is the point of life but it's the truth and what I learned the very very hard way. Thank God I didn't marry her.

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you! It's a shame that you were betrayed like that. Other men have told me not to bother with women at church, they're all the same. I can understand where that resentment comes from.

When I was growing up, my father constantly warned me to be very careful about who I married. His ex-wife divorce-raped him and didn't allow him to see their children for a few years even though he was caring and wanted to see them. This made me very particular about choosing a woman.

I'm glad you took the high road and came out of that situation stronger.

I would say to actively search for a woman, because of many reasons:
  1. You have a higher chance to find a girl that you like;
  2. God puts women in front of you daily. You just have to pay a little attention;
  3. It's not about how much do you think you will be a good husband, it is about how much she thinks that and for what kind of women you are a good husband for.

Everything you say makes sense, and perhaps I was a bit too prideful in my earlier post when I said that I thought I was ready for marriage. There is still a lot I can do to improve myself physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually. I'm not at the bottom of the spectrum in any of those categories, but certainly not near the top.

It seems that most women have very high standards nowadays for men, and I'm sure I appear average to most. Probably why most never seem interested in me when I do go out. The ones that are interested usually have red flags.

My plan now is to look for a church to join, continue to improve myself, and keep my eyes open more. I have a tendency to not pay attention to women all the time, so I usually don't notice that they're interested unless I get very obvious signs!

But I guess the main takeaway from this thread is that I still need to improve myself.
 

nagareboshi

Woodpecker
Some information about common Catholic FAQs from a traditional organization: http://archives.sspx.org/catholicfaqs.htm

List of SSPX Catholic Chapels in the USA: https://sspx.org/en/community/priories

Every time I have visited a Latin Mass, or even a traditionally-oriented modern Mass, I have seen so many women wearing veils and praying silently. The church is packed and sometimes there are not enough pews to sit in.

God be with you!
 

Bright_Sun

Pigeon
Some information about common Catholic FAQs from a traditional organization: http://archives.sspx.org/catholicfaqs.htm

List of SSPX Catholic Chapels in the USA: https://sspx.org/en/community/priories

Every time I have visited a Latin Mass, or even a traditionally-oriented modern Mass, I have seen so many women wearing veils and praying silently. The church is packed and sometimes there are not enough pews to sit in.

God be with you!

Thank you very much for the info about SSPX chapels! I had never heard about them before.

I like a lot of things about the Catholic church, but after all the research I have done on the NWO and such, one thing I could never agree on was the idea of the current pope being legitimate.

The SSPX is very interesting in that regard, and I will certainly look into it more! I have looked at pictures of a couple near me, and they do seem very traditional.

Also, I didn't see anyone wearing masks like I saw in pictures of a normal Catholic church. Very encouraging!

God be with you as well!
 
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Dilated

Woodpecker
I think doing certain activities to enhance the probability of a meet is smart or else it won't happen. But I must admit that the cultural aspects of America (where I am) also reinforce the futility in bothering: an old woman will just be a partner, she won't be particularly interesting to me because if I have to sacrifice for a woman it will really only seem worth if I have a family with her, and finally that setup seems only worth it if she is fairly young. You can get the older, demanding type in America (the one that is sick of working and of course wants your money) but none of the other options very easily if at all. Sadly, it seems to me to be foreign or bust at this point.

The thing that also invigorates you if you do go outside the country is that you realize all of a sudden that you don't have to make this crazy effort and kill yourself setting things up, trying xyz, it is far more effortless. You just have to be savvy, have a backbone, and make clear what you want. Period.

Another point in the win column of women outside of USA- they are less likely to vaxxed and thus infertile. I think it’ll be into 2023 before LatAm countries (for example) have the majority of their population vaxxed.
 
I've been thinking about why it seems so difficult for me to meet quality women. For a while now, I've thought that the best way to meet a good-quality woman was to just come across one by chance while going about my daily activities.

Yes, I'm aware that the majority of women in the US probably aren't marriage material, but I was wondering if I should be actively searching.

Due to my lifestyle, I don't have many opportunities to meet women. I live out in the country, and I spend most of my free time at home. The only time I actually go out is either to work or shop for groceries.

Online dating isn't a good idea, so the only way I can think of to meet more women is to go out more. However, I'm not sure if it's a good idea to do something solely to meet women.

If I don't factor women into the equation, I don't really want to engage in social activities since most of what I do at home takes priority. Plus, many activities are hampered by having to wear masks and social distance.

And before anyone asks, yes, my intention is to find a woman to marry and have children with.

What I'm really asking is, should I actually put effort into looking for my future wife, or should I just continue to go about my life as usual and keep my eyes open?

I have no problem with living the rest of my life as a celibate if that's what God wishes for me, but I don't expect Him to hand my future wife to me on a silver platter without me putting in any effort whatsoever.
When I was single and actively searching it seems I had no problem meeting women they were just not quality women. Once I stopped caring and focusing myself to God I happened to meet my wife at a talk about spiritual life. I would recommend to go to the right places where you at least have a chance at meeting a Christian girl and then if it happens God will allow it. It requires a little work to attend an event but for some reason if you enter an event being sociable but not trying too hard women get drawn to you.
 

PhatEarf

Sparrow
Part of the issue is feeling like I don't have enough time since I feel like work, studying, money, etc. takes priority right now.

I do agree that I should be more active in looking. To be completely frank, part of my desire for marrying is my desire for sex. It's difficult to let go of the idea of sex and companionship entirely.

But I have been working on tempering my sexual desire, so I feel I can either marry or remain celibate. I suppose I'll treat my endeavor like any other in life: pray to God for guidance and give my best effort as well.



I'm sorry to hear what happened to you! It's a shame that you were betrayed like that. Other men have told me not to bother with women at church, they're all the same. I can understand where that resentment comes from.

When I was growing up, my father constantly warned me to be very careful about who I married. His ex-wife divorce-raped him and didn't allow him to see their children for a few years even though he was caring and wanted to see them. This made me very particular about choosing a woman.

I'm glad you took the high road and came out of that situation stronger.



Everything you say makes sense, and perhaps I was a bit too prideful in my earlier post when I said that I thought I was ready for marriage. There is still a lot I can do to improve myself physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually. I'm not at the bottom of the spectrum in any of those categories, but certainly not near the top.

It seems that most women have very high standards nowadays for men, and I'm sure I appear average to most. Probably why most never seem interested in me when I do go out. The ones that are interested usually have red flags.

My plan now is to look for a church to join, continue to improve myself, and keep my eyes open more. I have a tendency to not pay attention to women all the time, so I usually don't notice that they're interested unless I get very obvious signs!

But I guess the main takeaway from this thread is that I still need to improve myself.
I can tell you that as a young man the main thing the kept me from hearing God was my desire for physical intimacy. It is understandable that that is your desire, and, no, God is not going to plop a woman down in front of you. You will meet many women. Those many women will be meeting many men. You have to try and catch one, plain and simple. Now you can do this through PUA trickery, or through being a nice guy. Being a nice guy should match you to a nice woman. PUA will trick any old hoe. Being a jerk will trick any old hoe. Theoretically. I know there are all kinds of red and black pill philosophy on all this, and I don't know what you look like or how tall you are. It may be over for you if you are too short. The time is ticking for you to get a very young wife. At 30+ you can still get a young wife. I'm 40+, so I'm screwed. But I have kids and am divorced, so, honestly, I don't really want to deal with that nonsense if I don't get something excellent dropped in my lap. Basically, you have a lot more you can work with. If you are older, like me, you CANNOT get divorced again. It's economic suicide. You might have to go to multiple churches. I know in my area there were a lot of lukewarm churches, and like zero marriageable women. They go to college and never come back. Good luck!
 

Zanardi

Woodpecker
Everything you say makes sense, and perhaps I was a bit too prideful in my earlier post when I said that I thought I was ready for marriage. There is still a lot I can do to improve myself physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually. I'm not at the bottom of the spectrum in any of those categories, but certainly not near the top.

It seems that most women have very high standards nowadays for men, and I'm sure I appear average to most. Probably why most never seem interested in me when I do go out. The ones that are interested usually have red flags.

My plan now is to look for a church to join, continue to improve myself, and keep my eyes open more. I have a tendency to not pay attention to women all the time, so I usually don't notice that they're interested unless I get very obvious signs!

But I guess the main takeaway from this thread is that I still need to improve myself.

I think one will never really know when he's ready for marriage until he is actually married, as there is always room for improvement until the day we die. Also, I understand that pride is a sin, but I don't think there is a sin in being proud about the things you accomplished.

I used to think that women have high standards too but now I am not so sure, because of many reasons:
  1. Don't listen to what a girl says, but look at her actions;
  2. I have repeatedly had girfriends that told me I wasn't their type initially, but they fell for me anyways;
  3. I made a good impression on my actual girlfriend by knowing how to write Romanian correctly and because I showed her a history book that I was reading. It doesn't seem high standards to me. Nowadays, I use another metric: how fast and easy she accepts a date. If she accepts after 1-2 attempts, she may be interested in me. Else, she is not and you won't get anywhere with her.
PS: Don't limit yourself only to churches. There are many other virtuous women outside the church. Do a walk in a park or on a street and see what catches your fancy.
 
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Blade Runner

Pelican
I can tell you that as a young man the main thing the kept me from hearing God was my desire for physical intimacy. It is understandable that that is your desire, and, no, God is not going to plop a woman down in front of you. You will meet many women. Those many women will be meeting many men. You have to try and catch one, plain and simple. Now you can do this through PUA trickery, or through being a nice guy. Being a nice guy should match you to a nice woman. PUA will trick any old hoe. Being a jerk will trick any old hoe. Theoretically. I know there are all kinds of red and black pill philosophy on all this, and I don't know what you look like or how tall you are. It may be over for you if you are too short. The time is ticking for you to get a very young wife. At 30+ you can still get a young wife. I'm 40+, so I'm screwed. But I have kids and am divorced, so, honestly, I don't really want to deal with that nonsense if I don't get something excellent dropped in my lap. Basically, you have a lot more you can work with. If you are older, like me, you CANNOT get divorced again. It's economic suicide. You might have to go to multiple churches. I know in my area there were a lot of lukewarm churches, and like zero marriageable women. They go to college and never come back. Good luck!
What you say is true mostly, but I am railing currently against the determinist mindset. You can have all manner of positives in the west but the reality is, there are too few quality women. Whether men are right or wrong about what they deem quality is beside the point. Phat is correct that the truth is that women meet many men, which in the west means too many options. They meet a lot of men in a lot of other countries too, but that renders them little since in many other countries the quality of men is super low. The only solution for a man seeking a woman reasonable in the historical sense, given he does well, is to be in a location where men are scarce, which also means quality men are scarce. It's just nature, nothing else. And doesn't guarantee you a great relationship either; after all, we are men and they are women. Period.
 

mjbravo

Pigeon
In 2021 I wouldn’t look for a woman who wasn’t a based traditional orthodox Christian. Being divorce raped myself from a previously “conservative Christian” it’s just too risky. I’d also recommend steering toward traditional Latin mass over anything. I’m not saying there aren’t some pretty based Protestant women out there just as there are men on here. But at the end of the day if things go south in the marriage that is not held as a sacrament it’s still pretty easy for her to find an escape in essentially any denomination and find someone within the same denom or similar that will help her clear her conscience. If she’s brought up in traditional Catholicism it’s pretty hard to escape the church fathers, Council of Trent, 1860-1930 papal encyclicals, plus obviously sacred scripture....even if it’s a modernist priest down the road....she’ll still know what the church has always and will always teach regarding marriage. I do understand your current struggle with the pontificate. I hold to if the church survived Arianism as a pervasive heresy and was not prevailed against the same will hold true for modernism. It’s difficult in the middle of it though.

Another benefit to going to a traditional church is you’ll meet other traditional men. Men who can help sharpen you in these things where you’re looking to better yourself. These men also may have traditional sisters, and wives with many traditional friends, that may not go to that particular church, that they’d love to set up with a well formed man. Then you’d have even more of the screening process already done for you.

Just keep improving yourself, most importantly finding your grounding in the faith, while being open to marriage. Yes, you may make an even better prospective husband at 30 than 25, particularly in this society that has tried to make it as hard as possible for families to work, let alone young ones. However, we’re not in the 1930’s or before where an 18-22 year old chaste female would not think anything of the age gap with a 30+ and in many ways see the benefit. Some still do, and a truly based trad girl should, but I think you’re better off numbers wise being at least very open to it in the next half decade as well.
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
Part of the issue is feeling like I don't have enough time since I feel like work, studying, money, etc. takes priority right now.

I do agree that I should be more active in looking. To be completely frank, part of my desire for marrying is my desire for sex. It's difficult to let go of the idea of sex and companionship entirely.

But I have been working on tempering my sexual desire, so I feel I can either marry or remain celibate. I suppose I'll treat my endeavor like any other in life: pray to God for guidance and give my best effort as well.



I'm sorry to hear what happened to you! It's a shame that you were betrayed like that. Other men have told me not to bother with women at church, they're all the same. I can understand where that resentment comes from.

When I was growing up, my father constantly warned me to be very careful about who I married. His ex-wife divorce-raped him and didn't allow him to see their children for a few years even though he was caring and wanted to see them. This made me very particular about choosing a woman.

I'm glad you took the high road and came out of that situation stronger.



Everything you say makes sense, and perhaps I was a bit too prideful in my earlier post when I said that I thought I was ready for marriage. There is still a lot I can do to improve myself physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually. I'm not at the bottom of the spectrum in any of those categories, but certainly not near the top.

It seems that most women have very high standards nowadays for men, and I'm sure I appear average to most. Probably why most never seem interested in me when I do go out. The ones that are interested usually have red flags.

My plan now is to look for a church to join, continue to improve myself, and keep my eyes open more. I have a tendency to not pay attention to women all the time, so I usually don't notice that they're interested unless I get very obvious signs!

But I guess the main takeaway from this thread is that I still need to improve myself.
Don't forget that a lot of our guidance comes from the Bible and not tough times or how we feel. He that find a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor of the Lord means to find by searching, not by accident. I think 1 Corinthians 7 is very clear that if sexual sin is not an issue (it doesn't happen) then marriage isn't necessary.

We have sex drives by divine design. They can get warped when single too long then have to deal with the consequences and try to restore it the way it should have been. Most of us have sex drives but if it is going to be an issue with living a godly life, then we should marry. Dealing with unmet sexual needs is frustrating and can become bigger than life.
 

Blade Runner

Pelican
We have sex drives by divine design. They can get warped when single too long then have to deal with the consequences and try to restore it the way it should have been. Most of us have sex drives but if it is going to be an issue with living a godly life, then we should marry. Dealing with unmet sexual needs is frustrating and can become bigger than life.
Yes, I think because talking about sex openly (honestly and generally, not lewdly of course) is difficult in society, there isn't enough attention on your points. I also think that people drastically underestimate how far from ideal it is that careers, diminishment of matchmaking, or evaporating of family connections have led to many set ups for failure and the tough consequences. That is, beyond all the distractions, sex in society and media, etc "single too long," as you say, is almost never talked about. It's also funny that it's almost a foregone conclusion that one could just choose marriage - clearly the way that St. Paul writes that shows the time and culture differences, which are drastic. As if you can just say in this day and age, "Ok, tomorrow I'll marry, I finally see the light." :squintlol: Back then, I think you actually could, it was pretty much a family transaction in many regards, of course with wisdom.

If you are a person, and a man especially, who is physical and doesn't shun it in an ascetic way (like monks), it is a real challenge. You get constant "urges" that are just part of your biology. One could say in many ways this peculiar fact of existence (testosterone is literally what makes the world go 'round on every level) is the origin of this forum, and remains the troubling, nagging or uncomfortable challenge that won't go away - How do I rightly direct this energy?
 

GWYW2015

Woodpecker
Yes, I think because talking about sex openly (honestly and generally, not lewdly of course) is difficult in society, there isn't enough attention on your points. I also think that people drastically underestimate how far from ideal it is that careers, diminishment of matchmaking, or evaporating of family connections have led to many set ups for failure and the tough consequences. That is, beyond all the distractions, sex in society and media, etc "single too long," as you say, is almost never talked about. It's also funny that it's almost a foregone conclusion that one could just choose marriage - clearly the way that St. Paul writes that shows the time and culture differences, which are drastic. As if you can just say in this day and age, "Ok, tomorrow I'll marry, I finally see the light." :squintlol: Back then, I think you actually could, it was pretty much a family transaction in many regards, of course with wisdom.

If you are a person, and a man especially, who is physical and doesn't shun it in an ascetic way (like monks), it is a real challenge. You get constant "urges" that are just part of your biology. One could say in many ways this peculiar fact of existence (testosterone is literally what makes the world go 'round on every level) is the origin of this forum, and remains the troubling, nagging or uncomfortable challenge that won't go away - How do I rightly direct this energy?
Good point, today you can't just decide to turn it on and get married. It took decades and a decision to look overseas, and that ended up being easy and quick. Some people say to sublimate a sex drive into work (doesn't work), excerise (have you seen some of the girls?) service to others (still many unavailable or uninterested girls around). I couldn't go anywhere because the more I tried to "get it off my mind" the more I realized how alone I was and that other people were not alone. Go to a movie by myself? Forget it! Sheer misery.

Perhaps the best way to invest energy is in looking for a wife, wherever we can?
 
How do I rightly direct this energy?
The very short answer for the subject, which needs a book for proper explaining.

If you believe, that your urge is your master, then it will become true and you are right. It is your master, and you need to fight it, suppress it, and you are bothered by it constantly.
(and you are suffering because every master-slave relationship is a pain)

But, if you truly believe, that you are the master over your urge, then it will become true too, and then you are right too.
You are the master.
You are bigger than any urge and your body.
You will dictate how your body would feel and you'll be master and the body servant.
Because that is the proper Biblical hierarchy. Spirit, soul, body.

(Christians are reluctant to think and acts this way because they see it as some yoga-Buddhist stuff, and they are robbed of benefits of that hierarchy)

But originally it is a Christian principle. God created this chain of command.
Yes, we were created with sexuality, and sexual acts under God's laws (only in marriage and between man and woman) are right and good, but sexuality wasn't meant to be our master.

Under God's authority, your body is serving you. Under satan's, you are serving the body.
Until you live on earth you can choose, who is your master.
 

Blade Runner

Pelican
I agree with this @fortyfive , but the theme we are addressing is the particularly special role sex plays all the way around in life. It is not to make excuses to talk about this in such a way. One must eat, but can be sated with discipline and not overeat - I know this also may be a challenge for some for various reasons, but they don't NEED to overeat, either (the urge is satisfied, they overdo it). One does not require sex, but as our references include, it is seen as something clearly there that must be directed and redirected for most, since it is so strong. Just living and looking at life, and also incorporating the wisdom of St. Paul and his suggestion or even exhortation, he seems to admit that few will be "eunuchs" so make sure you treat it in the right context or else the passion burns you. Many in this day and age put it off for decades but are not monks. Again, no excuses, but being realistic about it should have an economy that makes it understood to be a truly problematic part of life.

I'll stress again that this forum is based on this and always has been, the focus of it has changed. I have no problem with the recommendation "Just go be a monk" - at least that's an actionable answer. There wouldn't be a human race at all if testosterone didn't drive men to achieve make them crazy every week or so. I find that paradox amazing, especially since half of the human race (women) have no clue how powerful it is.
 

HKBhusal

Sparrow
I'm almost 26 years old, so maybe I am jumping the gun a bit. Right now, I'm focusing on paying off my house, studying to get a better job to save up money faster, and working on creating a business that involves my passion, music.

Perhaps it would be better to put off the idea of finding someone to marry for now. It would certainly be better from a material standpoint if I married after I finished working on all these goals. I'm not sure if I would be able to devote enough time to a marriage if I were working on all those things while having a family.

Also, waiting would give me more time to become a more attractive prospect to women, but I do wonder at what point I should consider myself ready for marriage.

This is a secular resource that may help shed some light on some of the stuff you mentioned: https://www.youtube.com/user/EntrepreneursInCars

Disclaimer: Again, this guy is secular and does not give Christian-based advice - he is primarily focused on materialism and status. Generally, he and his guest speakers take a "fornicate-with-multiple-women-in-your-20s-and-don't-even-consider-marriage-til-mid-to-late-30s" attitude.

That being said, there are nuggets that these guys are keen on bringing up that expose the modern-day dynamics between well-meaning men, who want to be monogamous moral husbands/fathers, and the majority of modern women bought into careerism, hypergamy, etc.
 

Blade Runner

Pelican
"Women don't care about your struggles, they hang out at the finish line and pick the winners."

This is a worldly statement with very few exceptions. If it doesn't make you laugh (because it's true) nothing will.

He is red pill, but it is valuable to understand the world, so not worrying about shock value is important.
 

DeusLuxMeaEst

Pelican
Gold Member
You need to make some sort of effort, otherwise it will never happen.

My lifestyle these days is also not conducive to meeting women and I'm changing that.

I've been discerning a voice and feeling from God in my native tongue telling me I'm going to get married.

This has given me the confidence to actually be open to it.
 
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