Should I get married even though not deeply in love?

No I am not even engaged but I need to face this conundrum I am in...

I’ve had many girlfriends, been on many dates, and I have never had problems getting girls. The longest relationship I had was 2.5 years when I was 24 and was great though she wasn’t good wife material she was a good girlfriend. When she left me I was very hurt but I remembered thinking I wasn’t super in love with her anyways. I have had several other serious girlfriends and never fell crazy in love with any of them. I did of course lust and obsess over all of them at the beginning. The thing is I have never been crazy in love with any girl, yes I treat them special, cuddle them, sing for them, vacationed with them, have them meet my parents, but none have made me think we were meant to or that I could not live without them. I have never even wanted to move in with any girl.

I am 34 now, and one my favorite things in life is my big family, of course I was born in Ecuador. Yes I could live fornicating with tons of woman forever but I think that is thinking in the short term. I know I need to be married to make my own family. I think life is easier with a partner and a family brings a deep happiness, though I get you if you disagree.

My current girlfriend is amazing...
She’s several years younger than me and we have been dating for a year. She has big eyes, long hair, feminine, she is tall with good curves, likes the outdoors, likes playing sports, cooking , does not have slutty pictures on her Instagram (which is rare for an attractive woman), is very domestic, wants to have kids, and….she wants to marry me and is very in love with me. I know she might be the perfect candidate to marry and start a family with but even though I love her, I am just not crazy in love with her, Iike I don’t long to see her every day for the rest of my life lol.

My fears…
I will change or she will change for the worst, divorce, having sleep with one woman for the rest of my life, marrying someone without being head over heels with, having a nearly perfect woman who loves me and not jumping this rare opportunity.

Causes…
I am just cold and that’s okay? Too many choices of woman making me think there always a better one (there will always will but that not the point)? Have I dated too many women in the past and now cant settle with one?

Yea I am not sure if I made any sense or if I even have a solution but this is what I do know: I am old and need to start a family soon, I have an excellent partner, I am not crazy in love and don’t know what to do with her love for me and our future.

Thanks for listening please share your thoughts, I don’t even know who I could talk to this to, my friends are all too immature and unwise and my family just wants me to get married.
 

Cobra

Ostrich
Gold Member
Contrary to popular opinion, marriage is more about being happier in the "long run." A lot of men think that this long run happiness means you have to be "in love" with the woman you marry and this feeling has to last a long time. So here's my question: What if said woman is a great person but cannot cook, doesn't know how to dress or take care of children? Well, at that point, this type of love doesn't matter. I also have no idea how you will be happy.

OP, you seem to have a great woman in front of you who is marriage material. In your position, I would try to marry her. Banging lots of women gets old and these women are not dedicated to you.

My story:
I'm from a traditional Indian background originally and got married out of love at the age of 28. I never was a player before that. I got very frustrated in marriage and found the forum. I realized how much I regretted not having an experience with many women; and started to practice game. I got caught (story is in another thread). Meanwhile, we have 3 beautiful children who have been the light in my life. They have made my life worth living. As far as me and my wife, we have slowly worked things out because we respect each other (call it love if you want). You said you don't long to see your gf every day of your life. In my situation, same thing but I also think about my wife all the time and worry if she's happy and she does the same for me. This isn't some 2 hour Hollywood romantic drama. It's life!

If someone asked me 6 years ago if I would get married like I did I would have said no. However, if you asked me today if I would do it all over again, I would tell you absolutely. To me, life isn't worth living for a bunch of sluts. They will not be there for you when you're in trouble or dying.
 

Barron

Ostrich
Gold Member
Cobra is dead on ^^^ I think what has confused me for the longest time is the difference between lust and love. Both are transient so take Cobra's word to heart: "marriage is about being happier in the long run".

Lust is based in attraction
Love is based in respect

The former will fade over time but the latter will appreciate in value over time.
The first 10 years of a marriage should have both, but a balance of both.
In that if you have too much of one, you won't have much of the other.

The biggest narcissists are guys that marry the hottest women they've ever laid. And they deserve the ruin they bring upon themselves
 
Can relate. It's a tough dilemma. Chances are there are lots of of the same quality women you describe who are all virtually identical so you may as well settle for this one. It's better to settle on good enough then chasing a unicorn (provided you know the difference - for all the guys reading). Don't go chasing waterfalls. It's also a good natural mindset you have that you don't feel the need to see her constantly. Women love getting the right amount of attention.
 
OP, before listening to anybody's advice on this thread you must know this: how many people giving you advice are actually married themselves (or have been in the past). You can safely ignore them otherwise
 

jordypip23

Pelican
Gold Member
Cobra said:
To me, life isn't worth living for a bunch of sluts. They will not be there for you when you're in trouble or dying.
This is very true. Sluts will linger when you are partying, BS'ing, money is flowing, etc. But when the going gets tough they'll disappear. A quality woman will stand by your side through thick & thin generally speaking.
 
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Dr. Howard

Peacock
Gold Member
Barron said:
Cobra is dead on ^^^ I think what has confused me for the longest time is the difference between lust and love. Both are transient so take Cobra's word to heart: "marriage is about being happier in the long run".

Lust is based in attraction
Love is based in respect

The former will fade over time but the latter will appreciate in value over time.
The first 10 years of a marriage should have both, but a balance of both.
In that if you have too much of one, you won't have much of the other.

The biggest narcissists are guys that marry the hottest women they've ever laid. And they deserve the ruin they bring upon themselves
Its working out pretty well for me personally.

I would suggest marriage for the OP. For women its all about love and that 'can't live without you' feeling, for men respect is more important.

If you respect her and her behavior and think that she respects you, you will have a solid marriage to work on other issues. That respect for her is what keeps you from cheating/chasing other women when things get monotonous etc. The deep love comes from time and shared experiences together like having children, dealing with crises, death of loved ones etc.
 

Barron

Ostrich
Gold Member
What I mean is, simply marrying a girl because she's hot is the path to ruin
If she's feminine/traditional but also smoking hot, then my congrats

A couple years ago I watched a buddy dump a cute traditional 7 for a hot career-loving 8. Guess what? They didn't last 6 months.
After a few months of banging her out he got all depressed because he hated spending time with her. Meanwhile the traditional 7 girl is now married and will probably be preggers soon, today he still mentions that he regrets dumping her.

Obviously there has to be strong physical attraction for any relationship to be happy, but just because she's the hottest you've ever had doesn't mean she's worthy of your commitment
 
I think more how wanting to be with someone even though you arent crazy in love might be good, you value them with clarity.

I guess the next thing I am thinking about is how can I be married and never sleep with any other girl ever again, anyone figured a way around this? haha


1) Cheat...I dont wanna do that

2) Ask for permission before getting married? Don't woman know men get tired of sex with the same woman no matter how hot she is and that its nothing personal? I wish there was a way to somehow bring this up respectfully.

Thoughts?
 

SilentOne

Woodpecker
LivingFossil, in short.... NO.

If she is in love with you like you claim, she isn't going any where. Now if she balks at the idea of staying with you without a marriage, let her walk. She leaves with nothing. If you really want to have a family with her, go right ahead.

Don't go complicating your life with a state marriage certificate. It's unnecessary and stupid.

There's just too much info out now about this to later on say... you were blinded sided by her Bait and Switch act.

You are now warned. Don't come back crying asking how to salvage your life after signing your rights away to the State.

Also marriage isn't about being madly in love, that's just the Disney fairytale version. Marriage is actual work and respect between two individuals. You two make your own rules, don't let the government dictate it. You can be life partners without a marriage.
 

wwtl

Kingfisher
LivingFossil said:
I am 34 now, and one my favorite things in life is my big family, of course I was born in Ecuador. Yes I could live fornicating with tons of woman forever but I think that is thinking in the short term. I know I need to be married to make my own family. I think life is easier with a partner and a family brings a deep happiness, though I get you if you disagree.

My current girlfriend is amazing...
She’s several years younger than me and we have been dating for a year. She has big eyes, long hair, feminine, she is tall with good curves, likes the outdoors, likes playing sports, cooking , does not have slutty pictures on her Instagram (which is rare for an attractive woman), is very domestic, wants to have kids, and….she wants to marry me and is very in love with me. I know she might be the perfect candidate to marry and start a family with but even though I love her, I am just not crazy in love with her, Iike I don’t long to see her every day for the rest of my life lol.
You already fornicate with her, right? Maybe even (pseudo-)cohabitate already?

As a man you can't properly assess if you want to spend every day for the rest of your life with a woman, if you already have sex with her.

Sex dating is an anti-commitment poison for men. You need to spend time with a marriage prospect without her causing continuous dopamine spikes by emptying your balls every day. That colors your judgement - to the negative.
 
OP, realize that your thoughts are the result of fornicating with woman after woman for over a decade. What that does is kill your "bonding glue", as Roosh calls it. Unfortunately, this is inhibiting your ability to rationally think about the situation you're in.

In your case, your passions have superseded your intellect. Objectively speaking, at least from what you have told us, you have in front of you a woman who is ideal for marriage and creating offspring with...yet you have "doubts" because you cannot stop yourself from looking at other women and thinking about "what if I find better?". AKA you really just want to fornicate with them. But lets suppose you are being genuine. This question is silly in and of itself because there are billions of women in this world. You will always think you can find "someone better", right? Your feeling will never be satiated, because virtually, your choices are limitless.

The point of monogomy/marriage is for you two to perfect each other, and create children. Producing progeny should be your #1 goal, not fornicating with countless sterile women. You have to "reprogram" your brain to focus on monogamy/marriage and see the positives instead of the "negatives", ie "i can only sleep with one woman". Instead say "I will be able to sleep with this beautiful woman, who will be the mother of my future children for the rest of my life" It is a long process, but it can be done.

I'm not accusing you of doing the following, but I would suggest you stop watching Pornography and masturbating. Also, start training your eyes to not look at women and think of fornicating. For now, if you must, admire a woman's beauty, but do not let your mind go elsewhere. You must practice custody of the mind. Best way to do this? Catholicism. You mentioned you are Ecuadorian, so I'm going to assume you were baptized Catholic. Start going to church, read the bible, read literature from the Saints.

I suggest you read the whole book, but if you're short on time, read pages 34-37 (go by page # on bottom of book not pdf) it will touch on Intellect->Will->Passions.

http://newsaintthomas.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Thomas-Aquinas-in-50-Pages-Final.pdf
 

MajorStyles

Kingfisher
You might want to ask yourself what you're looking for in particular. For example, make a list of around 5-6 things. If a woman is meeting these criteria, then perhaps there is something amiss on your end.

Also, note that no woman wants to marry a man that does not really love her. She will be able to eventually sense this and, quite possibly, start cheating with another man. Or, she will feel a great resentment at your lack of true passion and begin to make your daily life miserable (as only a woman can do).
 

questor70

Ostrich
"no woman wants to marry a man that does not really love her. She will be able to eventually sense this and, quite possibly, start cheating with another man."

Yes, and the flipside too: a man who makes a long-term monogamous commitment to a woman he doesn't love is basically denying himself the feeling of being in love. It sure seems like settling to do this. Sure, in-love may fade, but it seems like you should only marry a woman that at least managed to create an initial in-love feeling. Then there's always a way to remember and try to recapture it when it fades, rather than being with a woman where you pretty much know it's never going to develop, not now or in the future. Either the spark is there or it isn't.
 

Tex

Kingfisher
Gold Member
St_Johnson said:
Having a family is much better than banging sluts and you don't get too many chances
A family with the wrong person is a worse lifestyle than no family ever.

You think that lonely feeling gnawing at you goes away when you’re married to a woman who won’t take your last name and is too busy hanging out with male co-workers after work to cook a meal for you?

Family only makes sense in terms of personal benefit if you meet someone worth having a family with. Otherwise, you’re doing it out of a sense of duty, which will benefit society but not you. Which is fine.

You have many chances at marriage. Or you should at least if you’re an average man. Be at least a little picky here.

Women have a small window to marry and look at how picky even slutty trash women are with who they marry.

Get some level of passion. Because trust me, whatever degree of passion you have now, even if it’s tiny, will only go down with time. So if there’s little there today, you’ll actively hate this girl ten years from now.
 

Feyoder

Robin
wwtl said:
Sex dating is an anti-commitment poison for men. You need to spend time with a marriage prospect without her causing continuous dopamine spikes by emptying your balls every day. That colors your judgement - to the negative.
Well said. I've seen this with basically every relationship I've had.
 

Dallas Winston

Ostrich
Gold Member
I think a lot of guys that are "banging sluts" and say they are refusing to entertain thoughts of marriage are secretly thinking that if they go through enough women and keep banging them, then they'll find "the one". They are wishing for one that is hotter than who they're 'stuck with' now.

In other words, they're hoping for the unicorn.

If they just keep swiping left/using that dating website/ approaching in bars/ day gaming, then they'll eventually bang the unicorn that is 'perfect' for them and a virtual 10 in every way and who falls head over heels for them and also, ends up being traditional and perfect wife material i.e. the unicorn - better and hotter than the girls or girl they're able to get now. As we know, for most guys, this is a pipe-dream.

Even most guys who claim things like 'screw marriage, I'm going to keep banging hot sluts forever' don't mean it. Most of them who say it are secretly hoping for the unicorn or they're daygame coaches on YouTube trying to sell something.
 
It basically comes down to the question, "Do you mind, or do you like, hanging out with this girl if you aren't banging"?

If you answer, "no I don't mind," or "I actually like it" then you've definitely got something to work with.

Having said that, most of the girls in America that are normal and fit this (that I've met) are chubby, average to bad looking, old, or all of the above. I will say I have had a couple examples that did fit the bill in the past but location and life circumstances made it (I thought) untenable. Now, if I met girls this, I'd be more likely to diminish the importance on love status. Especially since they were in their 20s. lol
 
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