Single father dating single mother

[Edelweiss]

Hello,

I need your advice, experience and wisdom on this matter:

Between a single father (seeing his kid every other weekend only) who met a single mother with two kids who she sees 75% of the time, a good connection happened.

The father does not wish any more kids while the mother is not completely against the idea.

The two started dating(courtship, no sex has happened yet) but the man does not wish, in the future, to move in with the woman as he does not want to raise her children.
He has his own child to raise and does not want to be the provider for this woman's children. He prefers to remain her partner and eventually marry her but only after the kids are grown ups (he is mid 30's and the woman is early 30's - the kids are between 3 and 6 years of age).
This means that they would live apart for the next 15 years.

It is too early in the relationship to talk about moving in together let alone getting married, but the man is considering these questions before getting more involved emotionally with this woman.

They have not talked about this yet, as it is obviously too early, but the man wants to make this clear early enough as to avoid misunderstandings and manage expectations.

What or how do you think the man should handle this?
Do you think a woman in this case might accept such an arrangement? I think that the woman is hoping for a partner who she can live with, not someone living apart for 15 years.

Thanks.

 

[Muscovite]

IMHO, the woman is more than likely looking for a man to help raise her kids. If she's switched on, she'll realise how much better kids turn out with having a man around full-time.

I would be honest from the start before things develop further. Let's say there's another 6-12 months invested into the relationship and the man's wishes destroy the relationship, it would be a shame for both parties.

It could also affect the kids if they become attached to the new man.

Without knowing more about this man and woman, it's difficult to say. But my approach would be to get this out in the open as soon as possible.

 

[bmw633]

From the description, their dreams for the future diverge, so keep looking.

There are single women without kids if you look long enough that might be a better fit for you long term.

Single mothers are not low hanging fruit, but already fallen on the ground, some with worms inside.

 

[Edelweiss]

IMHO, the woman is more than likely looking for a man to help raise her kids. If she's switched on, she'll realise how much better kids turn out with having a man around full-time.

I would be honest from the start before things develop further. Let's say there's another 6-12 months invested into the relationship and the man's wishes destroy the relationship, it would be a shame for both parties.

It could also affect the kids if they become attached to the new man.

Without knowing more about this man and woman, it's difficult to say. But my approach would be to get this out in the open as soon as possible.

I think so too.
The man must make sure the woman knows his position.
The doubt remains whether she would accept such a relationship.

 

[Edelweiss]

From the description, their dreams for the future diverge, so keep looking.

There are single women without kids if you look long enough that might be a better fit for you long term.

Single mothers are not low hanging fruit, but already fallen on the ground, some with worms inside.

I agree with your opinion on single mothers. I would never recommend any man date a single mother.
However, the man also has a kid.
Both are in the same boat.

Many women also do not wish to date a man with kids.

And if this single father does find a woman who accepts his kids and does not wish to have her own kids, what kind of woman is she? A woman who does not wish any kids is not a hanging fruit, but already fallen on the ground and with many worms inside.

This leads me to say that a single father, due to his situation, must not close the door on dating single women who are in a situation like his.
Both persons must live with this cross.

Now the woman in question has no tattoos, no piercings, has heard the conservative views of the man and accepted them.
She is a single mother because her ex-partner was never present and was dedicated to his business. They disagreed on how to raise the kids, the man letting them eat sugar all day and handing them tablets and not caring about them.
One would argue that she should have known better before having the kids or that she should sacrifice for her kid and stay with the man. But no one knows what happens inside closed doors so we cannot judge.

The only red flag about this woman is that she is an atheist and her parents are divorced, though she maintains a good relationship with both of them (Her father married again and has 3 kids).
The man did mention his faith and she listened silently.
A woman who loves a strong man will follow his lead and adopt his faith.

With these extra explanations, would you reconsider your answer? (provided the woman will accept the man's stance on not living with her until the kids are grown ups)

 

[An0dyne]

The father needs to reassess his worldview. The point of courtship and marriage is procreative--that's why God has given it to us. If the father is opposed to God's gift and purpose of children, and doesn't even want to be married until both he and the mother are passed their prime, then he should not be seeking marriage at all, but should devote himself to the fear and word of the Lord.

 

[Laner]

Sounds like they both made mistakes. It happens, learn and carry on.

Living apart til the woman's kids leave the house? Come on, that is doomed to fail. Why would any woman agree to this. Unless she just wants some cuddle time once a week for the next 15 years.

Suck it up and have a family. Her kids are young and need a father. His kid, too. Have another kid together right away to lock shit in. Marriage and a family unit is still by far the best way to raise stable kids.

 

[Edelweiss]

The father needs to reassess his worldview. The point of courtship and marriage is procreative--that's why God has given it to us. If the father is opposed to God's gift and purpose of children, and doesn't even want to be married until both he and the mother are passed their prime, then he should not be seeking marriage at all, but should devote himself to the fear and word of the Lord.

I agree.
However, both the father and the mother already have kids. They are not opposed to God's gift and are both dedicated to their children.

The father does not want other children as he wants to raise his own child and does not embrace these "patchwork" family model: having another kid with a woman who already has kids, with his kid also in the picture...

But both the man and the woman would like to have a companion/spouse, and their kids will be there as well.

 

[Edelweiss]

Sounds like they both made mistakes. It happens, learn and carry on.

Living apart til the woman's kids leave the house? Come on, that is doomed to fail. Why would any woman agree to this. Unless she just wants some cuddle time once a week for the next 15 years.

Suck it up and have a family. Her kids are young and need a father. His kid, too. Have another kid together right away to lock shit in. Marriage and a family unit is still by far the best way to raise stable kids.

This is what I think as will. The woman expects more, for sure. That's why the man must be direct about it, sooner rather than later.

But he is not simply offering some cuddle once a week for 15 years.
He is just NOT willing to move-in and become a parent for her kids.

This means holidays together, weekends together, visits/dinners during the week...just not living together.

I still doubt the woman will accept this though.

As for having a kid with this woman, I answered this in my previous reply:
"The father does not want other children as he wants to raise his own child and does not embrace these "patchwork" family model: having another kid with a woman who already has kids, with his kid also in the picture...

But both the man and the woman would like to have a companion/spouse, and their kids will be there as well."

 

[bmw633]

I agree.
However, both the father and the mother already have kids. They are not opposed to God's gift and are both dedicated to their children.

The father does not want other children as he wants to raise his own child and does not embrace these "patchwork" family model: having another kid with a woman who already has kids, with his kid also in the picture...

But both the man and the woman would like to have a companion/spouse, and their kids will be there as well.

The father will be hamstrung raising his child, due to very limited access, and with the ex having majority access to the child. Also, the ex will usually do what she can you alienate the child from the father. Another tactic to minimize father's access to child is signing them up for every activity under the sun, which includes weekends, so the father sees even less of the child. Ask me how I know this.....

I also have some experience in a relationship with a woman with an adult child still living at home. For all I know, he had no reason to ever leave, being coddled so.

Men tend to complicate their lives, then try to justify their bad decisions, according to Rich Cooper. Look for ways to keep things simplified.

 

[Laner]

This is what I think as will. The woman expects more, for sure. That's why the man must be direct about it, sooner rather than later.

But he is not simply offering some cuddle once a week for 15 years.
He is just NOT willing to move-in and become a parent for her kids.

This means holidays together, weekends together, visits/dinners during the week...just not living together.

I still doubt the woman will accept this though.

As for having a kid with this woman, I answered this in my previous reply:
"The father does not want other children as he wants to raise his own child and does not embrace these "patchwork" family model: having another kid with a woman who already has kids, with his kid also in the picture...

But both the man and the woman would like to have a companion/spouse, and their kids will be there as well."

Seeing his own kid every other weekend is not "raising" a kid. Its catching up on Saturday, and getting to know each other on Sunday. Then starting over again in two weeks.

Sounds to me this guy needs to give his head a shake. If he wants to raise his own child, then he better get his shit together and find a way to do it. If he wants to be alone in his place and just have some dinners and do some trips with his - super busy and stressed out single mother 'girlfriend' - then he has another thing coming; Reality.

This guy says he doesn't want a "patchwork family". Should have thought about this before the divorce, because that is what he is going to have. Unless of course he keeps riding the delusion that a single mom with two young kids will find the time and a patience for a boyfriend she sees once in a while. Lets face it, he will end up seeing her kids more than his own.

 

[bmw633]

I agree with your opinion on single mothers. I would never recommend any man date a single mother.
However, the man also has a kid.
Both are in the same boat.

Many women also do not wish to date a man with kids.

And if this single father does find a woman who accepts his kids and does not wish to have her own kids, what kind of woman is she? A woman who does not wish any kids is not a hanging fruit, but already fallen on the ground and with many worms inside.

This leads me to say that a single father, due to his situation, must not close the door on dating single women who are in a situation like his.
Both persons must live with this cross.

Now the woman in question has no tattoos, no piercings, has heard the conservative views of the man and accepted them.
She is a single mother because her ex-partner was never present and was dedicated to his business. They disagreed on how to raise the kids, the man letting them eat sugar all day and handing them tablets and not caring about them.
One would argue that she should have known better before having the kids or that she should sacrifice for her kid and stay with the man. But no one knows what happens inside closed doors so we cannot judge.

The only red flag about this woman is that she is an atheist and her parents are divorced, though she maintains a good relationship with both of them (Her father married again and has 3 kids).
The man did mention his faith and she listened silently.
A woman who loves a strong man will follow his lead and adopt his faith.

With these extra explanations, would you reconsider your answer? (provided the woman will accept the man's stance on not living with her until the kids are grown ups)

No. The woman is most likely just doing and saying what the guy wants to see and hear, then once she ropes him in, her true side emerges.

 

[get2choppaaa]

Seeing his own kid every other weekend is not "raising" a kid. Its catching up on Saturday, and getting to know each other on Sunday. Then starting over again in two weeks.

Sounds to me this guy needs to give his head a shake. If he wants to raise his own child, then he better get his shit together and find a way to do it. If he wants to be alone in his place and just have some dinners and do some trips with his - super busy and stressed out single mother 'girlfriend' - then he has another thing coming; Reality.

This guy says he doesn't want a "patchwork family". Should have thought about this before the divorce, because that is what he is going to have. Unless of course he keeps riding the delusion that a single mom with two young kids will find the time and a patience for a boyfriend she sees once in a while. Lets face it, he will end up seeing her kids more than his own.

TLDR: Sounds like they are both wasting their time.

Having been both a single father and now remarried to a woman who had kids there are a lot of nuances. Questions need to be answered like : How long have they been divorced? Was it for cause (adultery/degeneracy of gambling/endangering the children ect...) or because they were "unhappy" or things like that. Did he leave her? Did she leave him? Did the woman divorce her husband or him her? ect..

Doesn't sound like they are pursuing the same goals. She no doubt wants help with the kids, especially if they are boys. If he were smart and was focused on his kids, he would see how having a stepmother who is responsible and a good person will benefit him and his own kids.

His is likely just lonely and want opposite sex companionship with out serious commitment. I am betting he is just recently divorced. I went through that when my ex wife ran off and really did some heinous stuff while keeping me from seeing the kids. Took me a couple of years to not objectify women and see them all in the ugly view of waiting on a time to screw you over.

If he were smart he would realize that while many single mothers are poor mates, you shouldn't write them all off if you also have kids. Many women have the same view of other's kids men do. I dated a lot of gals before I met my now wife. Never felt like I could introduce my kids to them... but then again, I was pretty sure I would would go atleast 10 years before I seriously considered remairriage.

To your point about getting his things together... providing a stable family environment is viewed in a positive light by a judge if he is going to go back for custody. As far as getting the kids as primary custodian, he'd better have a good lawyer and his ex better have plenty of material to go after her for and paint her in a negative light.

I can say from first hand experience going through a custody fight now... its very expensive, but it is doable if you are very meticulous and if your ex is just relying on institutional inertia instead of facts for justification for actions/alienation. But my two biggest strenghts are that I am super super involved with the kids with everything from school/therapies/doctor and being re-married with a family and stability while my ex-wife lets her parents do all the raising of the kids and she is out doing whatever she wants and "pursuing her passion" as a nurse.

 

[eradicator]

Hello,

I need your advice, experience and wisdom on this matter:

Between a single father (seeing his kid every other weekend only) who met a single mother with two kids who she sees 75% of the time, a good connection happened.

The father does not wish any more kids while the mother is not completely against the idea.

The two started dating(courtship, no sex has happened yet)

My advice. The man here is not exactly a single dad. He sees his kids 3 days a month. He absolutely should try for a family with a girl who isn’t a single mom but instead one who wants kids

good luck

but the man does not wish, in the future, to move in with the woman as he does not want to raise her children.
He has his own child to raise and does not want to be the provider for this woman's children. He prefers to remain her partner and eventually marry her but only after the kids are grown ups (he is mid 30's and the woman is early 30's - the kids are between 3 and 6 years of age).
This means that they would live apart for the next 15 years.

It is too early in the relationship to talk about moving in together let alone getting married, but the man is considering these questions before getting more involved emotionally with this woman.

 

[Augustus_Principe]

If the guy has this much of an aversion to raising another mans kid, why even entertain the idea of courting a single mother? This makes no sense at all. Is he low on the value scale and this is the only woman he can find? I understand he has a kid, but I’m sure he can find a decent woman who wouldn’t mind being a mom to his child. I’ve seen this personally. An aquientance who was a single dad ended up with a pretty, younger woman, they married and are fine, at least last time I checked. I also know of a college girl (also very attractive ) who dumped her college bf when she graduated in order to be with a guy who had 3 kids from a previous marriage... from the looks of it, she really enjoyed her time with his kids.

No red pill man should date, let alone marry a single mother. However, if you’re going to court and eventually marry a single mom, be ready to raise her kids. Like I said above, there are many women (with no children) willing to take care of a kid that isn’t theirs, especially in 2021 when women have been fed anti-natal propaganda. It should be 0 problem for him to find a woman who doesn’t want to bear kids. No need to play this ridiculous game of not living together for over a decade until the kids grow up.

 

[Rob Banks]

Hello,

I need your advice, experience and wisdom on this matter:

Between a single father (seeing his kid every other weekend only) who met a single mother with two kids who she sees 75% of the time, a good connection happened.

The father does not wish any more kids while the mother is not completely against the idea.

The two started dating(courtship, no sex has happened yet) but the man does not wish, in the future, to move in with the woman as he does not want to raise her children.
He has his own child to raise and does not want to be the provider for this woman's children. He prefers to remain her partner and eventually marry her but only after the kids are grown ups (he is mid 30's and the woman is early 30's - the kids are between 3 and 6 years of age).
This means that they would live apart for the next 15 years.

It is too early in the relationship to talk about moving in together let alone getting married, but the man is considering these questions before getting more involved emotionally with this woman.

They have not talked about this yet, as it is obviously too early, but the man wants to make this clear early enough as to avoid misunderstandings and manage expectations.

What or how do you think the man should handle this?
Do you think a woman in this case might accept such an arrangement? I think that the woman is hoping for a partner who she can live with, not someone living apart for 15 years.

Thanks.

Bolded portion is telling.

So basically, he wants to just contracept with her?

The Church considers marriages in which one or both partners are dead-set against children to be null and void.

 

[marknreprisal]

Hard pass for your friend. There is no honor in raising another man's kids . . . none! Odds are she'll repay him for the favor with a mid-life divorce.