The Official RVF No Contact Thread

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
Just finished my mini-relationship with my next door neighbour in my new rental apartment. Quite a sweet girl who was into me.

Times like these my ex springs up in my mind nearly all the time as she was so much prettier, hotter, cooler than any of the girls that I have met since.

Before and during our LTR she was being hounded by other guys (a lot of them alphas) and I managed to steer the relationship through that pretty well.

Don't like to think what's been happening since. There's a lot of emotions in me waiting to get set off should I check.

I am good at blocking on all apps and social media.

The way I resist the urge to check up on her is by giving my self a date when I will snoop - that date is circa 2 years away as I must have approached a (high) set number of women by then, nailed a set number/percentage of those women and hit my goals in terms of gym gains, financial gains, and career moves by that stage.

Its motivation and hopefully a guarantee that by that stage she will be more like just a memory.

Also Im not only a pretty jealous guy but also a competitive one: determined to level myself up as a person way more than she ever will have by the time it comes to checking.
 

PondScum

Sparrow
Delta said:
The problems that led to the demise of my last relationship- problems that seemed overwhelming at the time- now seem like nothing compared to the problem of trying to find another girl who I can love, who can love me back, and whose company I can genuinely enjoy.

Not trying to one-up you on suffering, I'm in a good place right now, despite being sort of broke and having some health problems, but the break up pain is behind me.

I broke up with an ideal woman (i.e. plenty flawed, but in ways that I can handle easily, and otherwise a superb companion) because there's no chance for us to make a family. I could cheerfully have stayed with her for years more, but I sincerely want her to bag a man who is content without kids (or perhaps already has his own and doesn't want more) while she still has her twenties to offer.

And, like you say, for many soul crushing periods afterwards, the no-chance-for-children issue that caused me to break up with her seemed like nothing, even though I know 100% that I want a family. All the dozens of girls I've met since have seemed 'meh' at best, except for a couple who, surprise surprise, have boyfriends.

Chin up, the world is still beautiful.
 

VincentVinturi

Pelican
Gold Member
@Delta

Do you have the ability to live abroad, even if only for brief periods?

You're selling yourself short with 99% of American chicks.

You don't even realize how bad it is until you go abroad.

@RatInTheWoods

Thai girl getcha? ;)

They got some serious sneaky ass Asian girl game.
 

Delta

Kingfisher
RatInTheWoods said:
Delta Brother.

I am hearing your pain. I am holding on to a crappy LTR which is going nowhere and causing me to be depressed for exactly the same reason you pointed out.... the alternative is worse.

This is madness, weakness and just being lazy on my part.

So brother, take heart, you ares smarter and one step ahead of me!

I was in that spot for a few weeks. As it became apparent that this wasn't the girl I should marry, I fell into a depression dreading the inevitable- which it took me forever to bring myself to do, because she was just so god damn sweet and loving.

I can't tell you it's any easier on the other side, so to speak, but you have to prioritize the rest of your life above all else. The rest of your life is a long time and one of the worst things you can do is stay with the wrong person.

VincentVinturi said:
@Delta

Do you have the ability to live abroad, even if only for brief periods?

You're selling yourself short with 99% of American chicks.

You don't even realize how bad it is until you go abroad.

Not only do I live in America, I live in a part of America that has been specifically discussed on here as a particularly awful dating market for men. It is not lost on me that I'm highly undervalued here; I've played around with changing my location on dating apps, and my jaw dropped at how much attention I received [pretending to be] elsewhere as compared to here.

It's just a matter of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I know I could relocate and have this problem go away, but I want to stay close to my family/friends and keep my job, and I also want to connect with a cute girl with whom I share a cultural background. Like the FOB Asian types are often physically attractive, but they just seem really weird to me; I just prefer to hang out with the more All-American type girls. I wouldn't feel like I gained much if I took a two week solo trip to the Phils and fucked a few girls while there.
 
I broke up with my girlfriend that I'd been living with for over a year a while ago. In short, I handled it very very badly. I wish I had found this thread before...anyway.

It really fucked her up. She lost her job around the same time too, and fell into a true depression.

I met up with her a few times after (obviously that was a mistake) and it was truly awful.

The thing is she's an amazing girl (that's going to come off as bedwetter, but it's true) and I shouldn't have broken up with her (but I did, and that's that).

I didn't say any of that when I left her. I wanted to make sure she knew and make things ok, so far as possible. I took some advice from a few girls (who I'm not interested in, of course), and they pretty much all said the same thing - send her a letter telling her how you feel and leave it there, which is what I did. I sent her an email saying all the things I should have said in the first place, really opened up, and pretty much left it there.

She phoned to say thank you, I explained I put it all in a letter just because I wanted to be sure I said everything right. 'Bye', 'Bye'.

I get a call from her shortly after which was pretty positive, kinda telling me to move on, which was weirdly coincidental as I sent someone a FB message just before saying I was still fucked up about it, which made me think she might have access to my FB. In fact, of course she did.

The problem now is, I still think about this all the time. Like every morning when I wake up.

The last time I saw her she wasn't sleeping, had bags under her eyes, all her colours were faded, all my fault.

That was a while ago, and for all I know she's fine now.

The question is, would it be a mistake to contact her to be sure? It could give me a lot of peace. I think I've been in something of a depression myself.

However, I worry that she might just be getting over it all, seeing someone else, and it'll just do harm?

Maintain No Contact?
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
sterlingarcher said:
I get a call from her shortly after which was pretty positive, kinda telling me to move on, which was weirdly coincidental as I sent someone a FB message just before saying I was still fucked up about it, which made me think she might have access to my FB. In fact, of course she did.

The problem now is, I still think about this all the time. Like every morning when I wake up.

The last time I saw her she wasn't sleeping, had bags under her eyes, all her colours were faded, all my fault.

That was a while ago, and for all I know she's fine now.

The question is, would it be a mistake to contact her to be sure? It could give me a lot of peace. I think I've been in something of a depression myself.

However, I worry that she might just be getting over it all, seeing someone else, and it'll just do harm?

Maintain No Contact?

Absolutely. Maintain No Contact.

"..but should I reach out.. just to check?" hamstering.

Plus. You are confusing her state as your responsibility.

Are you about to get back together with her for the ongoing future? No.

So this is about de-cluttering your future. Moving on to what will make you happy.

Nothing good will come from hitching your responsibility to her state when you are both trying to move on.

Block. Block. and Block again.

Then >Move On<.
 

getdownonit

Kingfisher
Gold Member
She'll get over it more easily than you will. Focus on yourself for the time being, and let her focus on herself. Contacting her, even just to make sure she's alright, prevents both of you from moving on and building independent, sustainable lifestyles and support systems
 

Remington

Ostrich
Gold Member
getdownonit said:
She'll get over it more easily than you will. Focus on yourself for the time being, and let her focus on herself. Contacting her, even just to make sure she's alright, prevents both of you from moving on and building independent, sustainable lifestyles and support systems

To piggy back off this; make it so you don't have the ability to contact her. That means block her number, then delete it. Block her on social media. Make all means of communication through your electronics impossible.

That's what happened after my break up. Did I want to reach out at times, yes, but I didn't have the means to do so. It sucks now, but it'll help you tremendously in the long run.
 

nola

 
Not contacting after a break up should not in my opinion not to be used to get a girl interested in you again because I would imagine that ending very bad in the longer term.

Easiest way to get over a break up is to find a new fun and exciting fling. It's hard to do as you have history with this girl and became comfortable but it does help with the short term depression.

I used to be a one girl, LTR type guy. But I found my lifestyle, attitude and professional goals are not compatible with most girls I date. Mini relationships where I can keep enough distance to maintain my ability to not get emotionally involved with a girl has made me a much more productive person and better at taking care of bettering myself if one day "the perfect girl" I might want to wife up comes along.

Although at least for me I highly doubt I'll be willing to go into an LTR again no matter how great I assume at the moment the girl to be is.

I've had a few breakups shake me up when I was younger and it negatively affected my education, past jobs, past businesses, relationships with friends and health. So I can relate at least through thinking back.

Go no contact and do not look back nor (future fuck) yourself by looking forward.
 
Thanks to all. Appreciated for sure.

No contact, got it.

The thing is, I left it like an open wound.

I've just bought the self-authoring product by Jordan Peterson. It seems great. One idea is that by writing about your past, you close it.

There was (is) a two for one offer, so I have a password to give away.

I'm half thinking I could send it to her.

Would that be a totally dick move?))

(This isn't about hamstering by the way. It's about closure)
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
sterlingarcher said:
Thanks to all. Appreciated for sure.

No contact, got it.

The thing is, I left it like an open wound.

I've just bought the self-authoring product by Jordan Peterson. It seems great. One idea is that by writing about your past, you close it.

There was (is) a two for one offer, so I have a password to give away.

I'm half thinking I could send it to her.

Would that be a totally dick move?))

(This isn't about hamstering by the way. It's about closure)

I wouldn't say dick move, but whether its closure or hamstring or whatever, you considering doing that as a good idea just shows how much you need to separate from her entirely (block/ no contact).

We've all been in your position and no doubt most of us will probably be in the place you currently are again.

The guys that don't give a fuck about women they've just split with don't need this thread.

Guys that are struggling like you need this thread the most.

Ps. :) Send the password to an RVF brother. (ie: Me :) )
 

General Stalin

Crow
Gold Member
sterlingarcher said:
...

There was (is) a two for one offer, so I have a password to give away.

I'm half thinking I could send it to her.

Would that be a totally dick move?))

(This isn't about hamstering by the way. It's about closure)

It's hamstering.

Unless you got kids with this girl then she needs to be dead to you. She's behind you and now it's on to greener pussy pastures.

Send the password to a fellow RvF member like Bienvenuto suggested.
 

WhatTheFuck

Robin
Gold Member
Anyone coming off a dry spell take a lot of care. I've been down in South America a few months now, managed to bang a couple girls first without too much issue, but the third girl man I caught some feelings. Doesn't even make sense because she's not very hot.

Looking back I definitely made some crucial mistakes. Saw her 3-4 times a week for about 2 months, and she slept over at my place almost every time we hung out. I thought I was playing it cool, but something about cuddling with a girl and letting her sleep over all the time really activated the pair bonding mechanism in me. I need to get some more notches under my belt so I don't catch feelings so easily.

Ironically we parted ways more or less because I fucked a a new girl. I like the new girl and she is great but I can't say I don't still have some weird leftover feelings. I think I am just a romantic still, fall in love easily.. Anyway it's no contact now. No more drama.
 
So I deleted her number, deleted her email, unfriended on Facebook...cut all contacts...

Man, felt sad, but after a couple of hours...I was thinking I should have done that a LOT sooner.

BACK in the game...

Then, just now she calls out of the blue...

(I accidentally sent a friend request after unfriending on FB. Deleted, but I guess it sent some alert)

The thing is it was cool. I said what I should have said at the time and it's cool.

Blocking her number seems SO cold. I lived with her, now I'm blocking her number?

She doesn't deserve that.

If she calls too much (like within the next 6 months) it's different. I'll be straight with her and tell her I want to move on...

But I want her to be able to call if I can help her.

That would be a mistake?
 

realologist

Ostrich
Gold Member
^^^^^

You aren't in it all the way. No contact is no contact. Do you think she's going to drop things to help you out?

If you want to let her call, let her call but send a message with it. Don't answer. If you want to send her to voicemail to really send her a message. Make it clear that it's over. Unless you aren't ready to commit to no contact and your own personal freedom.
 

griffinmill

Kingfisher
Broke up with my Ukrainian ex about 3 months ago after noticing many red flags and some abusive behaviour that seemed to put her on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It wasn't all bad, but I envisioned a life of walking on egg shells had our relationship continued.

For the past few days I've had a recurrence of sadness because I loved this girl despite her flaws, and I keep thinking I should have just "trained" her properly instead of letting her get away with her bad behaviour. I am of course second-guessing my instincts for letting the relationship dissolve, and I am badly wanting to check out her social media (I've blocked her).

I've never had chemistry with another girl like I had with her, and... well, the cock wants what the cock wants.

I'm currently dating a smart, beautiful 26 year Polish girl, but my mind just can't let go. I'm tonguing this sore in my mouth that will never heal if I don't leave it alone.

Stay strong, brothers.
 

destiny

Woodpecker
man no contact is hard. I've been through this shit before and it took me several months to get rid of that uneasy feeling but I thought I would have been stronger after those experiences and thought I could just shake it off after a day it happened but my mood changes on and off. One hour I feel great then the next I feel that neediness and wanted to contact her but I know I can't do that. I must fight with my willpower to remain on course. I actually had another chick today pursue me hard who asked if she could call me, but my mind was only on the girl that broke my heart. Throughout our conversation my mind was on fixated on what I could have done differently with her instead of being in the moment with this chick who called me. I find her kind of repulsive because she's built like a dude with abs of steel and legs that would make any marathon runner wet their pants.

I hope I get my ass to vietnam soon so I can forget about this chick and start daygaming like crazy because I know that land's a man's dating paradise where the markets are tipped heavily in my favour. I have a lot of work to do like finishing the audio for my ebook and writing out my script for my video shoot tomorrow but I can't get this chick outta my mind even though I spoke to no less then 5 chicks yesterday right after it happened.

I envisioned a future with her, definitely her being my gf but why the hell couldn't she just wait a few more weeks for me to get ready to fly down there? Why the fuck did she have to agree to marry that fucking beta chump loser who proposed to her after only 1 month of meeting? Was all the stuff we discussed and talked about only a fantasy in my mind? I keep on losing in life and love, but when am I going to start winning?
 
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