The Official RVF No Contact Thread

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
tomzestatlu said:
So recently I have met with my ex few times, my last LTR that ended 1 year and 4 months ago.
At first I wanted to meet her, because I missed her, of course. But I guess it´s real purpose is now to asure myself I don´t need her.
First two things that came to my mind: she´s gained weight and she is 25 now, too old. She´s not fat, but her body was something I loved about her, especially skinny long legs and now you see fat on her legs and hands and she´s far from what she has been before. She was a lot of into sports and was very adventurous and yesterday, when we met, she was bitching how difficult it was to climb up some not so big hill and how she almost died. And what was the worst - she was defending her looks and laziness all the time, without being it even a topic of a conversation.
We agreed on going on a walk and I was hungry, so I told her I will just grab some fastfood to my hands and eat it while we walk and she told me she wants to it too and wanted to go to some restaurant. That reminded me another thing. She wasn´t okay with money and she probably still isn´t and even though she eats at restauants. At least she paid for herself.

No contact is being said as only option in this thread, but actually contact with "who she did become" helps me a lot realize, that I am not missing anything.

I remember you writing about bumping into her.

Good to hear about your wins buddy..
 

randomA

Robin
somewhat similar to the post below, im in a situation where my live-in gf dumped me some 3 or so weeks ago. ever since we could say there has been no actual contact between us except the necessary logistic dry stuff to organize her moving out of our place.
she now asked to meet in a few days to "talk about us".

Considering that her decision about leaving me is final, it is quite obvious to me that she wants to show up just to have a "closure conversation" and feel relieved about herself, probably to lift off her weight of guilt for being the one who broke up.

while i'm struggling to recover emotionally and still feel a deep amount of anger and 'heartbroken-ness', not including the financial damage she gave me due to plans we had together being now completely forfeited, i am absolutely not ready to forgive her and to let her get rid of her weight so easily.
i actually want her to deeply regret this decision while still feeling at least a fraction of the pain that i'm going through as long as possible.

should i still accept her to come over because "you never know", or should i politely write her that, if she's coming just for closure, then to save both our time and spare it because that will hardly help me feel any better?

thanks a lot for any advise - i truly dont know which is the better way here. it's a lose either way.


Mrredsquare said:
Hey fellas, looking for some advice from more experienced men on my current situation.

Just ended things with a girl i was seeing for around 6 month, i was honest from the start on how things would go and I wasn't looking for a relationship of any kind. She agreed and wanted to become fuck buddies and me teach her how to be a woman (which i did a good job of i think) she is mid 20's I'm early 40's.

But she started to fall in love and became jealous and clingy with constant texting like girls do. So i ended things a few nights ago in person on the best terms i could. I did it for her sake, I've blocked her on all types of communication because i know she'll just continue to reach out to me.

The tricky part is that we're in the same social circle and i can see she's crushed, heartbroken and been constantly crying. She messaged a mutual friend and wants to chat one last time about something (probably wanting closure).

I care for this girl and hate to see her upset. Is there anything i could say to make her feel better or is it just a waste of time and energy?
 

Nascimento

Ostrich
Gold Member
Hey man. I suggest politely writing to her that you'd rather her not come. If she tries to force it, say that you won't be home, and don't offer her another time.

Men are more logical about these situations. You're hopeful that "closure" could mean something good for you, but in reality it's just her trying to feel better about herself, more likely than not, which usually means her finishing to rationalize the reasons it's over to make herself feel better.

Don't do it.

I ended an LTR over a month ago, and the closure that it first made it seem it would be bittersweet turned into her attempting to spite me and assure herself she'd be alright after I told her no longer. I had the best intentions for her, and truly wished her well, but in that moment in her I just saw her trying to make herself feel better about it all at my expense.

Lastly, read this because it's an even better outlook than I just offered: https://heartiste.org/2018/11/19/closure-is-beta/
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
randomA said:
somewhat similar to the post below, im in a situation where my live-in gf dumped me some 3 or so weeks ago. ever since we could say there has been no actual contact between us except the necessary logistic dry stuff to organize her moving out of our place.
she now asked to meet in a few days to "talk about us".

Considering that her decision about leaving me is final, it is quite obvious to me that she wants to show up just to have a "closure conversation" and feel relieved about herself, probably to lift off her weight of guilt for being the one who broke up.

while i'm struggling to recover emotionally and still feel a deep amount of anger and 'heartbroken-ness', not including the financial damage she gave me due to plans we had together being now completely forfeited, i am absolutely not ready to forgive her and to let her get rid of her weight so easily.
i actually want her to deeply regret this decision while still feeling at least a fraction of the pain that i'm going through as long as possible.

should i still accept her to come over because "you never know", or should i politely write her that, if she's coming just for closure, then to save both our time and spare it because that will hardly help me feel any better?

thanks a lot for any advise - i truly dont know which is the better way here. it's a lose either way.


Mrredsquare said:
Hey fellas, looking for some advice from more experienced men on my current situation.

Just ended things with a girl i was seeing for around 6 month, i was honest from the start on how things would go and I wasn't looking for a relationship of any kind. She agreed and wanted to become fuck buddies and me teach her how to be a woman (which i did a good job of i think) she is mid 20's I'm early 40's.

But she started to fall in love and became jealous and clingy with constant texting like girls do. So i ended things a few nights ago in person on the best terms i could. I did it for her sake, I've blocked her on all types of communication because i know she'll just continue to reach out to me.

The tricky part is that we're in the same social circle and i can see she's crushed, heartbroken and been constantly crying. She messaged a mutual friend and wants to chat one last time about something (probably wanting closure).

I care for this girl and hate to see her upset. Is there anything i could say to make her feel better or is it just a waste of time and energy?

I had a mate struggle with this, the manipulations, the "I really NEED to talk to you" etc.
You're correct that, at the moment, you are a thorn in her side psychologically.
She needs to use your compliance to her demands to 'just talk' to build her indifference to you and this will enable her to eventually build disgust for you.
This planned conversation will enable her to extract you from her life like a used tampon and throw you away.
A little strong-sounding but its true..

It also sets you up for future requests for things (like this meeting) that she is not entitled to: claims of you owing her for money that she paid in rent, her wanting items of furniture that don't actually belong to her etc.

I told my mate to imagine that his ex-girl was plotting something against him, using herself as the lure to enable a mafia style assassination attempt on his person.
He liked the colourful imagery and it actually helped him to be straightforward and firm with her and then go solid no-contact on her.
 

LeBeau

Ostrich
Gold Member
randomA said:
somewhat similar to the post below, im in a situation where my live-in gf dumped me some 3 or so weeks ago. ever since we could say there has been no actual contact between us except the necessary logistic dry stuff to organize her moving out of our place.
she now asked to meet in a few days to "talk about us".

Make sure that you've retrieved all of your belongings and there's absolutely nothing left to resolve in terms of bills, finances, moving, etc. Creating a checklist may help with this, since there are always more things that are left or combined than people realize.

Once you can say for sure you don't need anything more, there's no benefit to meeting up with her.

Part of your emotions now are looking for some last faint hope that she will make things better between you, or at least make things hurt less.

Another part of you now is trying to maintain your confidence and some semblance of power (or possibly revenge).

If she broke up with you, why didn't she have the closure talk weeks ago? Or explain thoroughly what happened?

You will feel better about yourself in the future if you end this without looking weak, or bitter, or like a lapdog she can command. Only you know the exact circumstances, but consider that generally the less you say to her, and the less you do for her, the less power she has over you.
 

randomA

Robin
LeBeau said:
Make sure that you've retrieved all of your belongings and there's absolutely nothing left to resolve in terms of bills, finances, moving, etc. Creating a checklist may help with this, since there are always more things that are left or combined than people realize.

Once you can say for sure you don't need anything more, there's no benefit to meeting up with her.

Part of your emotions now are looking for some last faint hope that she will make things better between you, or at least make things hurt less.

Another part of you now is trying to maintain your confidence and some semblance of power (or possibly revenge).

If she broke up with you, why didn't she have the closure talk weeks ago? Or explain thoroughly what happened?

You will feel better about yourself in the future if you end this without looking weak, or bitter, or like a lapdog she can command. Only you know the exact circumstances, but consider that generally the less you say to her, and the less you do for her, the less power she has over you.
I agree with you.
she said she wants to come over and talk. my assumption is that she wants to come to get/give closure (that i dont need) more for her to get rid of the weight of guilt rather than anything else i suppose. i havent asked her if thats the purpose and i dont know if i should before agreeing to it.

for the rest, i know it's over and done with and i do not have hope that things can be patched up anymore.
 

Bienvenuto

Pelican
Gold Member
randomA said:
LeBeau said:
Make sure that you've retrieved all of your belongings and there's absolutely nothing left to resolve in terms of bills, finances, moving, etc. Creating a checklist may help with this, since there are always more things that are left or combined than people realize.

Once you can say for sure you don't need anything more, there's no benefit to meeting up with her.

Part of your emotions now are looking for some last faint hope that she will make things better between you, or at least make things hurt less.

Another part of you now is trying to maintain your confidence and some semblance of power (or possibly revenge).

If she broke up with you, why didn't she have the closure talk weeks ago? Or explain thoroughly what happened?

You will feel better about yourself in the future if you end this without looking weak, or bitter, or like a lapdog she can command. Only you know the exact circumstances, but consider that generally the less you say to her, and the less you do for her, the less power she has over you.
I agree with you.
she said she wants to come over and talk. my assumption is that she wants to come to get/give closure (that i dont need) more for her to get rid of the weight of guilt rather than anything else i suppose. i havent asked her if thats the purpose and i dont know if i should before agreeing to it.

for the rest, i know it's over and done with and i do not have hope that things can be patched up anymore.

Don't agree to anything pal.

Don't meet her. It will do NOTHING for you, just make you feel worse while she uses the meeting to make her feel better about herself.

Any meeting with her is bad news for YOU. So don't do it.

Its done. Its over.

Let her hamster as much as she wants. The whole thing is done and its just blue skies for you while you get on with the rest of your life.
 

Dr. Howard

Peacock
Gold Member
Bienvenuto said:
randomA said:
LeBeau said:
Make sure that you've retrieved all of your belongings and there's absolutely nothing left to resolve in terms of bills, finances, moving, etc. Creating a checklist may help with this, since there are always more things that are left or combined than people realize.

Once you can say for sure you don't need anything more, there's no benefit to meeting up with her.

Part of your emotions now are looking for some last faint hope that she will make things better between you, or at least make things hurt less.

Another part of you now is trying to maintain your confidence and some semblance of power (or possibly revenge).

If she broke up with you, why didn't she have the closure talk weeks ago? Or explain thoroughly what happened?

You will feel better about yourself in the future if you end this without looking weak, or bitter, or like a lapdog she can command. Only you know the exact circumstances, but consider that generally the less you say to her, and the less you do for her, the less power she has over you.
I agree with you.
she said she wants to come over and talk. my assumption is that she wants to come to get/give closure (that i dont need) more for her to get rid of the weight of guilt rather than anything else i suppose. i havent asked her if thats the purpose and i dont know if i should before agreeing to it.

for the rest, i know it's over and done with and i do not have hope that things can be patched up anymore.

Don't agree to anything pal.

Don't meet her. It will do NOTHING for you, just make you feel worse while she uses the meeting to make her feel better about herself.

Any meeting with her is bad news for YOU. So don't do it.

Its done. Its over.

Let her hamster as much as she wants. The whole thing is done and its just blue skies for you while you get on with the rest of your life.

100% Agree, the 'lets talk' meetings never work well. They are super high drama emotionally and high risk for legal, criminal or physical altercations. Thinking back, I recall my 'lets talk' history resulting in such things as:

- getting back together, when we had both clearly been banging others = high drama then and for months afterwards
- tantrum like sobbing about how her life was ruined = high drama
- screaming and throwing objects = criminal/physical altercation
- claims on property/veiled threats about seizing that property = legal/criminal altercation

I like Bienvenuto's 'mafia hit' scenario for planning. Don't go, or go in very well prepared in a public situation, with backup and still be prepared for things to go south.

A great example, and a video I can't find, was some "lets talk" meeting a guy had with this girl, in public, at a mall, at a foodcourt. He wouldn't take her back, she flipped out and jumped off the balcony and killed herself. Thats the kind of high stakes these 'lets talk' things are made of.
 
Bumped.

Anabasis to Desta said:
Once we finished talking and hung up the phone, i couldn't help but realize how I've been taken as a fool. I relinquished my pride and offered her closure without getting anything in return. I fucked up big time and want you guys to avoid this fate.

I drive everyone away. Only family and close friends stay. When morning comes I regret my decision. Where do I get the courage to read all the 18 pages here?
 

RonaldB

Sparrow
I see my post will be the first post-corona post of this thread. Here's the deal. I broke up with my ex when she went back to Mexico because I didn't want a long distance relationship. 6 years later (2017) she came back to the U.S. and stayed here permanently (illegally I might add). She was in a better shape than when I was with her, but her face didn't look as fertile as she used to. So, in the past three years, I basically lost my mind trying to get back with her because I was basically an incel who hadn't been on date since 2015. We stayed in touch during these three years and got together once (we only made out for a bit), but I could feel that she was seeing other guys, so I decided not to talk to her it remained like that for more than a year until last month when I sent her a birthday wish. This was the reason I began to talk to her again and found out that she lost her job due to the virus and that she had just broke up with his bf like a month ago. It was clear for me that she really needed someone to talk to and express her feelings. I felt for that and for like a week I was like her therapist and she seemed to really enjoyed it. So one day, I picked her up by her house because I knew her route for her daily runs, and talk to her. It was obvious that she didn't want anything romantic from me, so that day I finally understood that I was wasting my time.
I'm writing this because I know that she is available, has no job (so no excuses to go out), but she only want to use me as her therapist. Also, since this forum has turned to the truth of Christ, I have to add that my ex is still married and hasn't been divorced yet. She got married in the catholic church, so getting a divorce is almost impossible. I know that if I sleep with her, I will be committing adultery. She's already been with two guys, and she seems to not care about the spiritual consequences of her actions. She's all about self-help and new age stuff, and she showed great resistance about reading the bible.
In short, I want to wish everyone to pray for me so that I don't commit adultery with my ex. I struggle with porn and masturbation for years and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that Christ gave me the strength to do it, but having a woman near who's still looking good but who's married is a big temptation during the time of corona virus.
I've been successful in not contacting her for the last two weeks, and I'm very confident that she won't contact me because she rarely does, but if she does I will just ignored her.
 
I broke up with my ex when she went back to Mexico because I didn't want a long distance relationship. 6 years later (2017) she came back to the U.S. and stayed here permanently (illegally I might add). She was in a better shape than when I was with her, but her face didn't look as fertile as she used to. So, in the past three years, I basically lost my mind trying to get back with her because I was basically an incel who hadn't been on date since 2015.
Stopped reading there. From what I gathered, Mexican women are of the devil. They hollow you out and take your soul. She hopped on the cock-carousel, is jaded and is using your incelness to gratify herself. Focus on God, take an ice-cold shower whenever you think of her and should it become very bad cut one of your fingers off as a reminder that your lust hurts you more than any physical pain.
 
Just broke up with my girlfriend (now ex) a few hours ago and I'm feeling a lot of regret about it.

We had mostly similar views in terms to the relationship, except she wanted to work, instead of just being a stay-at-home mom. She also said that she has mental disorders that require medication and believes in the whole covid crap.

I honesty didn't even care that much about her past sexual experiences, but the mental disorders stuff was a lot and I felt like she used it as a cop-out for bad behavior.

Despite all those things, I still care for her very much. She told me that she had changed her mind on the whole being a stay-at-home mom thing (but she had changed her mind on that before) and was willing to go to couple's therapy to fix things. I want to call her right now and try to make up with her. Idk I'm so confused and need advice.
 

MRAll134

Pelican
I want to call her right now and try to make up with her. Idk I'm so confused and need advice.
Pray tonight, before you go to bed, for insight on the relationship. I have found this works - not every time of course. Hopefully, you will receive some insight, or a message. 1623037816888.png
 

MRAll134

Pelican
Forgot to thank you man. I really appreciate your response. I've prayed on it and I'm finally starting accept things as they are. I have a lot of learning to do. God Bless!
I meant to say that God will sometimes communicate through dreams. I have had this happen at least twice - very strong, vivid dreams - after praying to God for a message. Not sure why I missed that in the other post. Oops.
 
Top